SENIOR COURTING

 

I have met a woman online

A fellow silver surfer

We had a date last night

And I really fancied her

 

But it’s been too many years

And I couldn’t satisfy her

I think I’m suffering

From penile dementia

SELF DISCIPLINED

 

I don’t need stimulation

Of any kind

Because I have simply

Trained my mind

To flick a switch

If I need to perform

A simple “click”

And I have the horn

I can get an erection

With a single thought

I consider myself

To be self taut

BAGS OF SACKS

 

What sacks should I use?

In the garden?

Should I use plastic?

Or maybe Hessian?

 

I’m not sure I care

To be quite factual

I suppose it’s because

I am bi-sacksual

I AM DEFINITELY READY TO SAY IT

 

I am definitely ready to say it

I hope she is ready to hear it

How will she take it, who knows?

I take a deep breath and here goes

I stutter and I stammer thru

She said “I know and I love you too

THE HOLD OUT

 

You are so cute and fit

But you don’t seem up for it

Is there a reason you won’t play

Do you swing the other way?

Are you playing hard to get

Or haven’t met the “one” yet

It will take more than charmers

To get into your pyjama’s

Because I think for a start

They must get into your heart

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 88

 

Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of rye,

Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.

When the pie was launched the tills began to sing,

It seems that McDonalds will fob you off with anything

DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 2

 

Dreams are really very odd

Last night my wife sat up and said

“Tell Lionel to stop

It’s really hurting my head”

I enquired politely

What the hell she was on about

“Lionel Blair is in the wardrobe

Get the tosser out”

Now considering the early hour

I had the patience of Job

And softly said “Why would he 

Be in our wardrobe”?

A fare question, I thought

She just gave me a frown

“Tap dancing you idiot”

And then she lay back down