HAPPY BIRTHDAY # 1

 

You’ve reached a ripe old age

If you were wine you would be Vintage

But you’re a man if I may be so bold

And lets face it you’re just old

PUT DOWN # 4

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

If he says to you “I'm a photographer

I've been looking for a face like yours.”

Just reply “I'm a plastic surgeon

I've been looking for a face like yours.”

HANDBAGS AND GLADRAGS

 

Alligators and Crocodiles

Swam the murky waters

Unchanged in their ancestry

And in their sons and daughters

 

Oh how time had left them

As the world kept spinning

Swimming the murky waters

Since the worlds beginning

 

Until they then fell foul

Of fashion entrepreneurs

Valuing them for their skins

For devotees of couture

FEVERISH

 

I don’t think I have swine flu

As I haven’t been to Mexico

But I don’t feel well at all

I feel like crap if you must know

I thought of the NHS for advice

On the flu and perhaps its tackling

So I phoned the swine flu hotline

But all I got was crackling

ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Is that really true I wonder

Does it work without fail

Or is it just an old wives tale

I’m not sure the advice is the best

And I’m fearful to put it to the test

For if I were to go away

For a month, a week, a day

I fear I wouldn’t miss you and pine

But would think our separation fine

A GRAVY TRAIN PRODUCTION

 

In order to keep supping

From the gravy train

The hangers on have boarded

The chav express again

 

Moving the Goody show

To the stage from satellite

So they can still cash in

And keep her in the spotlight

 

As if this crazy world

Wasn’t already farcical

Now we have to suffer

Jade the fucking musical

FILTHY RICH

 

Life can really be

An awful bitch

Which is why, on balance

I would prefer to be rich

There are some people

Those lucky dogs and bitches

Who though little effort

Amass immense riches

In numbered accounts

Their balances healthy

And they find themselves

So incredibly wealthy

That they lose all respect

For simple humanity

And that's the kind of rich

That I want to be.