A COUPLE OF OLD SUCKERS

The position of the dirt bag

And the sad old loser

Is the only difference

Between a Harley and a Hoover

VERGING ON THE RIDICULAS

In answer to the eternal question

Why men want to marry a virgin

Well they can't stand criticism

Is the reason that’s emerging

ONE MAN AND HIS DOG AGAIN

The difference between

A husband and a dog when new

Is that After a year,

The dog is still excited to see you

SNOW SHOW

A weather man predicted snow

But he didn’t get it right

So the female anchor on the show

Asked to our delight

“So Bob, where's that 8 inches!

You promised me last night?”

A MOTHERS TALE # 2

 

I was out shopping with the kids one day

And we stopped for lunch at a burger place

We had just begun to eat our burgers

When a smell papered that I couldn’t trace

It was so bad that I couldn’t eat

I checked the baby and she was clean 

"Johnny, have you had an accident?" 

"No mum," Johnny replied. “Not me”

The smell got worse and I cursed

As I didn’t bring spare clothes with me

"Are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" 

"No mum," Johnny replied.” not me”

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,

Because the smell was really smarting

"Are you really SURE you didn't have an accident?" 

he leaped up like he was departing

Dropped his pants and spread his cheeks

And said "see mum, I was only farting!!"

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – NO HIGHWAY IN THE SKY (1951)

 

No Highway in the Sky, is a thriller written by Nevil Shute and directed by Henry Koster, in which aeronautical engineer Theodore Honey (James Stewart) is being sent to Labrador from London to examine the wreckage of a new Reindeer class passenger plane designed by his company, Rutland.

The absent minded Honey boards the Reindeer class plane, and only realizes once on board, that the plane is due to fail catastrophically in a few hours after the plane is airborne when it has reached a specific number of flying hours, namely the tail section will separate from the fuselage, caused by metal fatigue after 1440 flying hours.

He decides to warn a member of the cabin crew, Marjorie Corder (Glynis Johns), who in turn informs Captain Samuelson (Niall MacGinnis) and Co-Pilot (Kenneth More). 

When they land at Gander Airport the tail section is thoroughly examined and deemed safe so Honey sabotages the plane by collapsing the undercarriage so it has to be grounded.

On his return to England he must set about proving his theory or face prosecution and dismissal and soon finds himself defending his sanity in an English courtroom.

Fortunately, a sympathetic actress, Monica Teasdale (Marlene Dietrich) and stewardess Marjorie Corder come to his defence.

 

As he is a widower with a 12-year-old daughter, Elspeth (Janette Scott), Monica and Marjorie take a liking to Mr Honey and Elspeth, and the latter is clearly lonely and isolated.

Monica Teasdale speaks to Honey's superiors on his behalf, claiming she believes in him and Marjorie stays on with Honey and his daughter as a nurse. 

 

There are also a host of household names of the British Cinema who add to the tension and authenticity of the tale, Jack Hawkins, Elizabeth Allan, Ronald Squire, Dora Bryan, Felix Aylmer, Maurice Denham, Wilfrid Hyde-White and Bessie Love, to name a few.

James Stewart is simply wonderful as the boffin Mr. Honey, and Marlene Dietrich, who casts a lasting light on proceedings, are the stars in this film masterpiece and the supporting actors are on top of their game, in particular Janette Scott as the daughter, and the wonderful Glynis Johns in a typically faultless performance and the ever reliable Jack Hawkins.

A film definitely worth seeing, well scripted, well directed and well-acted, sadly, they don’t make movies like this anymore, and probably never will again.

SWEET MAN

Men are like Chocolate

Sweet and smooth on your lips

Only minutes before

Heading straight for your hips