ISN’T LOVE GRAND?

 

Love is grand and that’s the truth

But divorce is fifty grand - struth

MORE TO BE PITIED THAN SCOLDED

In this world some people are very selfish

Who consider no one else in the world at all

I am thinking of one particular individual

I encountered at the Methodist church hall

I was there to drop my son to beaver scouts

And he his daughter to dance class in the hall

It was the first time our paths had crossed

This is the sequence of events as I can recall

He was blocking the entrance to the car park

His car was sat right in the middle first of all

As there is only one entrance to the church

The local traffic had soon slowed to a crawl

It was a puzzle why he’d stopped it seemed 

For no apparent reason as far as I could see

He was oblivious to the sound of car horns

Or ironic cheers as he moved off eventually

He was so arrogant or so stupid that he made

No acknowledgement of his transgression

A tuneless chorus of car horns continued

Noisily expressing our anger and frustration

He then proceeded slowly to the car park

I swear he was driving as slowly as possible

He parked his car in such a way as to occupy

Two spaces and render a third inaccessible

Then finally our paths crossed again inside

In the small cafeteria where his wife and he

Sat at one table while filling another one

With bags and coats to add insult onto injury

My feelings towards him were, I must confess

Of a very unchristian nature I must concede

Though I feel no guilt for my feelings at all

After all he was a very selfish bastard indeed

 

 

WMD

 

The weapons of mass destruction

Have been with us for many years

Weapons of such devastation

They’re beyond your darkest fears

After years of fruitless search

Discovery’s still not on the brink

So why look in the deserts of Iraq 

They’re much closer than you think

An old woman of my acquaintance

Makes them in a flat in Basingstoke

Such foul diabolical substances

And concoctions to make you choke

Among the many illegal weapons

That terrorists are now sampling

The most dangerous in her arsenal 

Is the evil bacon and onion dumpling

Such an innocent recipe you think

But so dangerous it has been proved

Even the most sophisticated oven

Sighs in relief as the dish is removed

As if this were not deadly enough

Special bran gravy is served with it

To compliment the steaming dumpling

While keeping the victim’s bowels fit

After its consumption you sit dazed

Semi-conscious and bloated vastly

Can weapons of mass destruction

Ever possibly be quite this ghastly

THERE IS KNOWLEDGE I NEED TO KNOW # 7

 

There is knowledge I need to know

I’m sorry I don’t mean to blether

But how does the snowplough driver

Get to work in the winter weather

ARCHAEOLOGISTS DISCOVERED

 

Archaeologists discovered

A relative of the Tyrannosaurus

With a complex vocabulary

They have named it Thesaurus

THE MARRIAGE QUESTION

 A Son asked

“How much does it cost to get married, Dad”?

The Father replied

“I don't know I'm still paying for it lad”

AFTERGLOW

 

How can you tell

When a man's had an orgasm?

Listening to the snoring

Is the best way to fathom