LOST PROPERTY

 

I left two bottles of Whisky

On the train to Prestatyn

I thought them gone for ever

Until a nice man called Glynn

Of the lost property office

Telephoned me from Prestatyn

To say the man who found them

Had just been handed in

NICE ONE JAMIE

 

My children can never forgive

That interfering Jamie Oliver

For bring about the early demise

Of their favourite Turkey Twizzler

VERY RED CROSS

 

I supported the Red Cross

For many Years

But their hard sell tactics

Brought me to tears

 

Not content with

My monthly subscription

They bombarded me with requests

Of every description

 

First, they told of troubles

In foreign lands

I said “I can’t pay more

Than what I had planned”

 

So, they thought a change of tack

Will open my wallet

And told me what they did

In Nether Wallop

 

Emails and letters

Calling with the hard sell

Well, I’ve had enough

They can go to hell

A BITTER PILL

Realisation of my folly comes

As I lay abed at first light

I took a sleeping pill and

A laxative on the same night

THE LIFE OF PIE

 

Off they go to the bakers

For a pie of pork and pickle

Trundling along the road

Riding on their obesecycle

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 2

 

When my Gran got out of bed

After one too many tipples

She didn’t even notice that she

Was standing on her nipples

MY PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE IS THIS

My philosophy on life is this

Whatever life throws at me

Without thinking I pick it up

And throw it back instantly