EXCUSE MISS

Reading these excuse notes written to schools

You would think them maybe written by fools

Teachers will view these examples with disgust

I.e., Tom was absent because he missed his bust

Some are misspelled some are worse moreover

Gill was absent yesterday as she had a gangover

Dear Skool, Please ekscuse John Bird

For being absent from the 28^th to the 33^rd 

My son is under a doctor's care and so Jim

Should not take PE today. Please execute him

John has been absent from the school place

Because he had two teeth taken out of his face

Carlos was absent yesterday because to start

While playing he was hurt in the growing part 

Dear school Please excuse Gloria Palmer-King

From Jim class today because She is administrating

Please excuse my daughter little Lisa Trott

For being absent, she was sick and I had her shot

Please excuse Roland from PE for today

He fell from a tree and misplaced his hip, yesterday

Megan could not come to school (the note explains)

Because she has been bothered by very close veins

Dear Skool about my son Christopher Hyde

He’ll not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

Can you Please excuse my son Ray Howell’s

From school today because He has very loose vowels

Please excuse Tommy for being absent this week

But he’s had bad Diarrhoea and his boots leak

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday

We have to attend her funeral on that day

Please excuse the absence of Jason Cromwell

Yesterday He had a cold and could not breed well

My daughter was too tired for school it seems

That She spent a weekend with the Marines

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday

Because She was in bed with gramps all day

Please excuse my daughter Martina Proctor

Because she has been sick under the doctor

Just one more excuse that’s worth its salt

Please excuse Tim for being. It was his father's fault

SHAMPOO MODE

 

Super models should I think

Wash their hair in the sink

It’s where you should be able

To safely wash a vegetable

CAN YOU SPARE A MINUTE?

Four out of five of us

I’m afraid

Simply hate to be

Surveyed

WIT

People who think themselves

A wit

Will usually only have

The half of it

CHANGE YOUR WAYS

 

My big brother Jonathon was told

When he was forty-one years old

That he must change in every way

And take some exercise every day

He was warned he had to change

And his priorities he must rearrange

He took the warning right to heart

And A.S.A.P. was the time to start

He vowed to change in every way

And began walking five miles a day

That was more than ten years ago

Where is he now? We don’t know

WELL IT HAPPENED LIKE THIS

 

Isn’t it funny what people write on their insurance form declaration?

“The other car collided with mine without giving notice of its intention”

Or “I collided with a stationary truck coming in the other direction”

 

Isn’t it funny what people write on their insurance form testament?

“I’d been driving forty years when I fell asleep and had an accident”

Or “I glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment”

 

Isn’t it funny what people write in the account of their particular case?

“A lamp post bumped into my car damaging it in more than one place”

Or “a truck backed through my windscreen right into my wife’s face”

 

Isn’t it funny what people write in the account of what they saw?

 “A slow moving sad faced gentleman bounced off the roof of my motor”

Or “he admitted it was his fault as he had been knocked down before”

 

Isn’t it funny what people write in the account that they then infer?

“His occupation is gentleman but to be more accurate he’s a garage owner”

Or “after the accident a working man offered to be a witness in my favour”

 

Isn’t it funny what people write on the insurance form they fill?

 “I left it for a minute and by accident or design it rolled down hill”

Or “well on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull”

 

Isn’t it funny what people write In their account of what’s what?

“There were plenty of on lookers but alas witness’s they were not”

Or “I drove into the wrong drive and crashed into a tree I haven’t got”

 

Isn’t it funny what people write on the insurance form they supply?

“There was no damage done to the car as the gatepost will testify”

Or “I drove into the telegraph pole in an attempt to kill a large fly”

 

Isn’t it funny what people write in the account damage to life and limb?

He was all over the road I had to swerve several times before I hit him

The pedestrian had no idea in which direction to run so I ran over him

 

Isn’t it funny what people write on the insurance form they submit?

“A cow wandered into my car I was later informed the cow was a half-wit”

Or “I thought my window was down until I tried to put my head through it”

ARE YOU WEARING WINGS?

 

Are you wearing wings?

And what are those other things?

A stick? And scales of justice?

Oh crikey are you my Nemesis