I CAN’T WATCH SYLVESTER STALLONE

 

I can’t watch Sylvester Stallone

I find his speech very distracting

He was clearly a graduate

Of the Mumbling school of acting

STINGER

 

He’s a man from the north

Who can play and sing

Gordon Sumner is his name

But he’s known as Sting

About “Roxanne” and

“Walking on the moon” he sang

Leaving the Police to solo

Must have really stang

So will his name live on

Like the songs that he sung

Or when he’s gone

Will he just be known as stung?

PRIMITIVE MAN

 

A man had lived in a primitive land without a friend

Living with only himself upon who he could depend

Until an explorer found him, he’d spent his whole life

But now he had come to civilization looking for a wife

This was a strange world and of his home he yearned

He knew very little and there was a lot to be learned

With the help of the explorer his education now began

He'd never seen a train or the tracks on which they ran

He decided to explore his new surroundings one-day

And he found he was deeply fascinated by the railway 

He heard a whistle while standing on the train tracks

Not knowing what it was he thought it was safe to relax

But he was hit by a train as he foolishly stood his ground

Suffering a few broken bones and nothing more profound

He spent just a few weeks recovering in a hospital bed

Being tended by pretty nurses and being regularly fed

Making a full recovery he is discharge from the hospital

And he was then put up at the home of his explorer pal

One day he hears something that makes his hairs bristle

While he’s stood in the kitchen, he hears the kettle whistle

He grabbed a broomstick so he could attack the kettle

And proceeded to batter and bash it into a lump of metal

His friend hearing the commotion rushed into the room

He looked down and saw what he’d done with the broom

"Why did you ruin my kettle? I don’t understand at all” 

He replied, "You’ve got to kill them when they're small."

PMT?

 

Do you want to know why they call it PMT?

The answer is as simple as your child’s ABC

It’s not an acronym of that I’m not mistaken

But "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken

CIRCLES

 

Three men stand before the court

On drugs charges that are brought

After due process the verdict of all

“Guilty” followed by the gavels fall

 

The three were not strangers to jail

And the judge then reviewed the detail

And he frowned and tutted as he read

Finally, he turned to the men and said

 

“Before sentencing will commence”

“I will give you until one week hence”

“To dissuade a potential miscreant”

“And if you manage one I will grant”

 

“A lighter sentence than the tariff”

He then nodded towards the bailiff

One week later the three returned

To see if a reprieve they had earned

 

“Did you succeed”? The judge asked

Addressing the first man he’d tasked

“Two your honor” the man admits

Handing the bailiff, the affidavits

 

The judge impressed by his progress

Said, “Tell us the reason for success”

“Well, your honor” he began to state

And drew two circles to demonstrate

 

“The large circle is meant to represent

My circle of friends before the event

While the small circle you can deduce

My circle of friends since drug abuse”

 

After the affidavits he had reviewed

And the presentation he had viewed

Together caused the judge to conclude

“Well done young man, very shrewd” 

 

I am pleased to say on your return

That you have been able to earn

 “A lighter sentence than the tariff”

He then nodded towards the bailiff

 

“Did you succeed”? The judge asked

Addressing the next man, he’d tasked

“Five your honor” the man admits

Handing the bailiff, the affidavits

 

The judge impressed by his progress

Said, “Tell us the reason for success”

“Well, your honor” he began to state

And drew two circles to demonstrate

 

“The large circle is meant to represent

My banking account before the event

While the small circle you can deduce

Is my bank account since drug abuse”

 

After the affidavits he had reviewed

And the presentation he had viewed

Together caused the judge to conclude

“Well done young man, very shrewd”  

 

I am pleased to say on your return

That you have been able to earn

 “A lighter sentence than the tariff”

He then nodded towards the bailiff

 

“Did you succeed”? The judge asked

Addressing the final man he’d tasked

“Five hundred sir” the man admits

Handing the bailiff, the affidavits

 

The judge impressed by his progress

Said, “Tell us the reason for success”

“Well, your honor” he began to state

And drew two circles to demonstrate

 

“The small circle is meant to represent

The size of my bum hole before the event

WELL YOU'RE GETTING OLD

 

Well, you're getting old when you’ve outlived your enthusiasm

and if you lay in bed all day its because your backs in spasm

You’re getting old when you just can't stand intolerant people

or when your cup is always half empty and never is it half full

You’re getting old when you don’t look forward to your birthday

Or the best part of the paper is "Twenty-five years ago today”

When everything hurts and if it doesn't it doesn't work anymore

And your only exercise is with the friends you act as pallbearer for

You’re getting old when you always fall asleep in your armchair

Or when you have your teeth cleaned you don’t need to be there

You’re getting old when you’re helped across the road by a scout

Or you have that night before feeling when you haven't been out

When the glint in your eye is the sun on your glasses reflecting

Or when you sit in a rocking chair and can't get the thing rocking

WHAT?

 

I had a shock today

I thought I’d gone deaf

Because I couldn’t hear

My dear wife Steph

But it’s all right though

I can now rejoice

Because Stephanie, my wife

Just lost her voice