BACK IN SMOGGY BERMONDSEY

 

When we were back

In smoggy Bermondsey

And all the money was spent

We looked back fondly

On our September holiday

Picking hops in Kent

ARE YOU WEARING JUST A SMILE?

 

Are you wearing just a smile?

Beneath your uniform all the while

Though outwardly well uniformed

You stand there unadorned

Beneath your starchy exterior

You are naked front and rear

Nurse, nurse check my breeches

I’m about to pop my stitches

VESUVIUS

 

Vesuvius is what

We called my sister Grace

It was because of all the

Eruptions on her face

RICH BITCH

This life can really be an awful bitch

Which is why I would rather be rich

There are Some people who get so rich

People who find themselves so wealthy

That they lose all respect for humanity

And that's just how rich I want to be.

ANSWER THIS TOMMY

 

The Teacher asks one of the class clowns

"Can you give me three collective nouns?"

Tommy replies in keeping with his demeanour

"Flypaper, wastebasket, and vacuum cleaner"

I SWEAR

You never really learn

To swear or cuss

Until you learn to drive

A car or bus

IT’S THAT TIME AGAIN

 

I have often read about

Many women complaining

About that strange

Premenstrual Syndrome thing

Not my wife though

Not that I’ve heard anyway

It’s the only time of month

She can be herself she’d say