A Mixed Bag of Poems

AT THE ELEVENTH HOUR

At the eleventh hour
On the eleventh day
Of the eleventh month
We heard the generals say
You can go home now lads
To the land you’ve defended
Thank God one and all
That the madness has ended

MICHAELMAS DAISY

Lovely Miss Aster,
My flower girl Maisie
My natural beauty
I love her like crazy
My own precious
Michaelmas Daisy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD

Happy birthday dad
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year

We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year

So we wish you
A happy birthday
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year

Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978

DANCING PIXIES IN THE GREEN

Dancing pixies in the green
And sparkling water sprites
Oft heard but never seen
Bathing in the morning light

DEATH IN THE SHADOWS

Death in the shadows
Grim reaper take flight
Don’t let me be the one
You’re coming for tonight

PEBBLES SMOOTH

Pebbles smooth,
Like crude glass
Smoothed by nature
Time and tide
Its patterned form
Marbled in style
Sits comfortably
In the fingers
To be skimmed
Back to the ocean

I HEAR A SINGING CHILD

I hear a singing child
Innocently engrossed
In childish play
Singing sweetly
To her audience of dolls
Safely oblivious
In her enchanted world
Would that it could
Always be that way

DEAR OSCAR

He was witty
Blessed with a fine mind
A bel esprit
And was the clever kind

MICHAELMAS DAY

Feast of the Archangels
As the autumn equinox nears
Michaelmas marks the turning
Of the husbandman's year

29th September

THE SCULPTOR CREATES

The sculptor creates
With skilful hands
The beauteous article
An artistic gift
Its concept borrowed
From his dreams
And his subconscious mind
To infuse in his design
And create a work of art

DREDGING IS NO SILVER BULLET

Dredging is no silver bullet
Is the word coming from their ranks
But at least it would be something
To prevent rivers bursting their banks
While the environment agency
Just blindly keep on firing blanks

SLAVERY WAS BORN OF EMPIRE

Slavery was born of Empire
But not a European one
Slavery existed for centuries
In fact thousands of years
Way before Europe rose to the fore
Even the Romans came late to the party
Following in Greece’s footsteps
Peoples were enslaved
From around the globe
Where there were trade routes
There was slaving
Arabs traded slaves bought
From African tribesmen
Muslims enslaved slavs
Turks enslaved Ukrainians
Mongols reached into the heart of Europe
And took slaves by the thousand
White Europeans became involved
Black enslaved black
White has enslaved white
I don’t know if it will ever end
I certainly hope so
But what I do know is
That the British didn’t invent it

ORIGINAL FAIRY TALES

Original Fairy Tales
Were not devised
To scare children
And inform them
That monsters existed
Children already knew
There were monsters
What Fairy Tales did
Was to teach children
That monsters
Could be beaten

NAZISM WAS LIKE A CANCER

Nazism was like a cancer
Spread across the continent
And when Hitler was defeated
It was not a cure, for the cancer
Was merely in remission

Walk with God

THE CHARGE OF THE DARK BRIGADE

The scroll of the seven seals
Rested in God's right hand
Until he bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the first seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a white horse
Bearing the conqueror
Carrying a bow,
And wearing a victor's crown

God then bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the second seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a red horse
Bearing the warrior
Carrying a sword
And wielding the power
To take peace from the world

God then bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the third seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a black horse
Bearing the bringer of famine
Carrying a set of scales

Finally he bade his son
The Lion of Judah
To break the fourth seal
And the Lamb did so
And from the broken seal
Appeared a pale horse
Bearing the a rider called death
With hell close behind him

With power over a quarter of the earth
To kill by sword, famine, plague,
And by the wild beasts of the earth.
The four apocalyptic horsemen rode forth
On the charge of the dark brigade

FLAXEN HAIRED ANGEL

Flaxen haired angel
Spellbinding in white
Exuding purest love
And Gods sublime light
Spread your wings
For heavenly flight

CANDLE OF HIS LIGHT

Candle of His light
Cast your goodness
In your steady glow
Across the sinful world
And bath us in love

HELL DOES NOT HAVE TO BE

Hell does not have to be
A fiery pit of brimstone
Hell is merely
The absence of God

BE AT PEACE WITH LIFE

Be at peace with life
Live in the light
For although they
Are out of sight
We are in safe hands
Both day and night
As they walk among us
The Angels of the light

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL

Archangel Michael
Lucifer’s nemesis
Angelic warrior
In the war in heaven
Protector against
The dark of night

GOD’S ETERNAL LIGHT

God’s eternal light
Illuminates the starkness
Dispelling evil
In the invading darkness

HOLY UNMERCENARIES

Holy unmercenaries
Is an epithet applying to
Christian saints,
Who did not accept
Payment of any kind
For good deeds done
Which is I think the very least
One should expect from a saint

PALM SUNDAY OF THE PASSION OF THE LORD

With the Roman Rite
Of Palm Sunday
Or Passion Sunday
Holy Week begins
Marking the humble entrance
Of the Messiah
Into Jerusalem on a donkey,
So he could accomplish
His paschal mystery,
But Palm Sunday
Also marks with the
Blessing of palm leaves
The beginning
Of his journey to the cross

The Disciples

ONE OF THE TWELVE - ANDREW THE APOSTLE

One of the twelve
Andrew the Apostle
The son of John
Brother of Simon
From the village of Bethsaida
On the Sea of Galilee
Originally a fisherman
Turned to a fisher of men
By Jesus of Galilee
Witness of the ascension
Who spread the gospels
Far and wide
Martyred by crucifixion
At the city of Patras in Achaea

Feast day 30th November

ONE OF THE TWELVE - SIMON PETER

One of the twelve
Simon Peter
The son of John
Brother of Andrew
From the village of Bethsaida
On the Sea of Galilee
Originally a fisherman
Turned to a fisher of men
By Jesus of Galilee
Denied Christ three times
After the crucifixion
Witness of the ascension
Who spread the Gospels
Far and wide
And founded the Christian church
Becoming the first bishop
And the first Pope
Before his own crucifixion
In godless Rome
Under Emperor
Nero Augustus Caesar.

Main feast 29th June

ONE OF THE TWELVE - JAMES THE GREATER

One of the twelve
James the greater
Son of Zebedee
Son of Salome
Named by Christ
With his brother John
Sons of thunder
A simple fisherman
Turned to a fisher of men
By Jesus of Galilee
Witness of the ascension
Who spread the Gospels
Far and wide
Martyred in Jerusalem
By King Herod Agrippa I

Feast Day 25th July

JAMES THE GREATER

The legend of James
Apostle of the lord
And Christ’s appointed
Son of Thunder
Has it that
Upon his Martyrs death
In Jerusalem
St James body
Was taken by angels
And placed in a boat
Which sailed, unmanned
And rudderless
To the Spanish coast
Where it was enveloped
By a massive rock

ONE OF THE TWELVE - JOHN BROTHER OF JAMES

One of the twelve
John the beloved disciple
Son of Zebedee
Son of Salome
Named by Christ
With his brother James
Sons of thunder
A simple fisherman
Turned to a fisher of men
By Jesus of Galilee
One of the four Evangelists
John was the only disciple
To witness the crucifixion
While dying on the cross,
Jesus instructed him
To take care
Of his mother Mary
Witness of the ascension
Who spread the Gospels
Far and wide
John died at Ephesus
Have lived to an old age
The only un-martyred apostle

Feast Day December 27th

ONE OF THE TWELVE - PHILIP THE APOSTLE

One of the twelve
Philip the Apostle
From the village of Bethsaida
On the Sea of Galilee.
Witness of the ascension
Who spread the Gospels
Far and wide
He was martyred
By beheading
In the city of Hierapolis

Feast Day 3rd May

ONE OF THE TWELVE - BARTHOLOMEW THE APOSTLE

One of the twelve
Bartholomew the Apostle
From the village of Cana
On the Sea of Galilee
Witness of the ascension
Who spread the Gospels
Far and wide
After converting Polymius
The King of Armenia
He was put to death
By the Kings brother
Martyred on the cross
In Albanopolis in Armenia

Feast Day August 24th

ONE OF THE TWELVE - JAMES THE LESSER

One of the twelve
James the lesser
Son of Alphaeus
A tax collector
Witness of the ascension
Who then spread the Gospels
Far and wide
James son of Alphaeus
Was beaten, stoned
And clubbed to death

Feast Day 1st May

ONE OF THE TWELVE - DOUBTING THOMAS

One of the twelve
Doubting Thomas
Sometimes called
Didymus the Twin
Or the Apostle of India
Was a carpenter by trade
Witness of the ascension
Who was gently rebuked
After the resurrection
For his scepticism by Christ
Before exclaiming
"My Lord and My God,"
Thomas was the only witness
Of the Assumption
Of Mary into heaven
He then spread the Gospels
Far and wide
But was stabbed to death
With a spear
While in India
At a place called Calamine

ONE OF THE TWELVE - MATTHEW THE APOSTLE

One of the twelve
Matthew the Apostle
Born in Galilee
Was a former publican
Turned tax collector
From Capernaum
Before answering the call
Witness of the ascension
Witness of the resurrection
One of the four Evangelists.
Who then spread the Gospels
Far and wide
Was killed with a spear
In the city of Nadabah
In Ethiopia

Feast Day 21st September

ONE OF THE TWELVE - THADDEUS THE APOSTLE

One of the twelve
Thaddeus the apostle
Also known as Jude
Witness of the ascension
Who then spread the Gospels
Far and wide
Was Martyred in Beirut
In the Roman province of Syria

Feast Day June 19th

ONE OF THE TWELVE - SIMON THE ZEALOT

One of the twelve
Simon the Zealot
Witness of the ascension
Who then spread the Gospels
Far and wide
Was Martyred in Beirut
In the Roman province of Syria

Feast Day October 28th

ST. JAMES THE MOOR SLAYER

On a battlefield in Galicia
Upon the cry of Santiago
The saint appeared
Upon a steed of brilliant white
St James the greater
Was then transformed
From a fisher of men
To Santiago Matamoros,
St. James the Moor slayer

Erotica

CLICKETY CLACK

Clickety clack
Was the talk from the track
As Across the compartment
She sat down seductively
And the first seed of
Awakening arousal, germinated
I gave her the benefit
Of my silent appraisal
Clickety clack
Was the talk from the track
She adjusted her posture
Under my intense gaze
And re-crossed her legs
Exposing a tantalising
A hint of stocking top
And with each mile
Arousal grew
Like a blooming flower
Clickety clack,
Was the talk from the track
The sun streamed into the carriage
And illuminated her
The Dark nipples proud,
Showed through the
White Shimmering silk
Of her blouse
And the flower of arousal
Had blossomed
Clickety clack,
Was the talk from the track
Until we arrived
Shuddering and juddering
In the climax of journeys end

THROUGH THE OPEN FRENCH WINDOW

Through the open French window,
The sun streamed into the room,
Spreading across her
Semi recumbent form
Bathing her pale porcelain skin
In its yellow glow
I look on with delight
At her sensual beauty
Marvelling at the sight
Loins filled with lust
And an indestructible desire
Forged of steel and fire
As my hungry eyes
Consumed her treasures
Then I covered her smooth skin
With kisses soft and feather light
Before I could finally enjoy
The previously hinted at joy

YOU ARE WELL ENDOWED

You are well endowed
Is it all you?
Or is it padded up there
I won’t care
If you let me in up there
And what about below stairs
Just let me get in under there
Into your under wear
And I will find your derriere
Among your treasures
And some mutual pleasures

LIKE A HUMID AFTERNOON

Like a humid afternoon
She was left breathless
Passions bloom
Lingering on her cheek
Contentment’s smile
Playing about her lips

HER RED HAIR FALLS

As she quietly sleeps
Her red hair falls
In a crimson cascade
Across the fresh
Milk white skin
Of her naked flesh
And as I take in
The breath-taking vista
I sigh to myself, in
Contented admiration

A Little Bit Of Humour # 55

ARE YOU WEARING NYLON PANTS?

Are you wearing nylon pants?
There can be no other explanation
Because every time you get aroused
It affects the TV reception

ARE YOU WEARING A STRAIGHTJACKET?

Are you wearing a straightjacket?
With wrap around sleeves and metal bands
Are you some kind of homicidal maniac?
Or do you suffer from wondering hands

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

When the tragic death
Was announced on the news
Of the Oscar winning actor
My wife didn’t have a clue
Which prompted her to say
Philip Seymour who?

THE CHAUVINISTS ARE COMING

As economic migrants, blown
On the easterly breeze
Arrive on our welcoming shores
I am left in a state of unease
Not because they’re foreign
But because they’re from the seventies

IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO BUY

If you can afford to buy
Yourself a 3d printer
The first thing to do
Is print another printer

MURRAYFIELD RENAMED MUDDYFIELD

It had rained for days on end
The pitch had had its fill
So much so that the turf moved
But the scrum stayed still

YOU MIGHT WELL BE VERY GOOD

You might well be very good
I have no doubt about it
But you still can’t make
Chicken salad from chicken shit

I ASKED THE DJ STRAIGHT

I asked the DJ straight
Do you do requests mate
Yes geezer just name it
Turn the volume down a bit

SHE CHOSE TO WEAR BEIGE # 1

She chose to wear Beige
Quite unusual for a ball gown
It’s like a proper colour, but
With the volume turned down

TWO OVERWEIGHT LADS

Two overweight lads were in the pub
“Your round” one of them suddenly said
The other one took instant offence and
Replied “So are you, you great fat head”

WE WERE KIDS IN WORN OUT SHOES

We were kids in worn out shoes
And we’d gamble in one or twos
With liquorice and penny chews
On any contest we’d choose
But if we were then to lose
We’d sing the sweetie bar blues

MY PROSPECTIVE FATHER IN LAW

My prospective father in law
Finally fell in love with me
At the precise moment
He found out I had a BSC

Why he was so excited
Is a real mystery to me
A bronze swimming certificate
Is that prestigious, really?

FORWARD THINKING FUNERAL DIRECTORS

Forward thinking Funeral directors
Strike when opportunity knocks
The one in our town won an award
For thinking outside the box

WE ALWAYS GO TO THE PICTURES

We always go to the pictures
For the end of week features
Never mind orange Wednesday
What we like is CGI Friday

ARE YOU WEARING A WINCE?

Are you wearing a wince?
I see you’re pointing your toes
Did the nasty aliens forget
To remove your anal probe?"

A Little Bit Of Humour # 54

ARE YOU WEARING A POUT?

Are you wearing a pout?
Well it’s bold without a doubt
But the overwhelming impression
Is that you look like a trout

ARE YOU WEARING A PLEASANT LOOK?

Are you wearing a pleasant look?
It’s effecting me quite unnervingly
Clearly the fact that you’re smiling
Should on its own be scaring me

MY SON CAME RUSHING HOME FROM SCHOOL

My son came rushing home from school
With great excitement from the start
“I’m in the play and I play a married man
I said "So you didn’t get a speaking part?”

MY KIDS ARE MAD AT ME

I put Ginger in the Curry
And my kids are angry at that
I thought it was very tasty
But they really loved that cat

MY KIDS ARE STILL MAD AT ME

I put Ginger in the Casserole
I am in trouble as is the habit
I thought it was very tasty
But they really loved that rabbit

CHERYL COLE LIKE OTHER CELEBS

Cheryl Cole like other celebs
Feels she’d like to do her bit
And she wants to fight Malaria
Because you’re worth it

WHEN THEY TOLD CHERYL COLE

When they told Cheryl Cole
That she had la fièvre malerial
She just thought it must be
A new product from L’Oreal

NOT MY BETTER HALF

I went out with him
Because he was laugh
But now he’s just become
My bitter half

SHE WAS A REAL GOLD DIGGER

She was a real gold digger
And one of life’s man eaters
Who went about her task
With a net and a team of beaters

HE WAS A ROGUE WHEN HE LIVED

He was a rogue when he lived
And won’t be missed a bit
When you lay him in a box
Don’t buy the expensive kit
Or he’ll return from beyond
And then he’ll try to sell it

SHE LOOKED TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

She looked gorgeous in
Black stockings and stiletto shoes
But after we got naked
I was singing the lady boy blues

I HAD TO DUMP MY GIRLFRIEND

I had to dump my girlfriend
I met her thru a dating agency
Because she thought that scruples
Was the Russian currency

THE TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGING

I am not opposed to the clocks
Going forward in the spring
But it could be handled better
To make it less exhausting
Take the hour from Friday afternoon
Instead of Sunday morning

ARE YOU WEARING A HAIR PIECE?

Are you wearing a hair piece?
Well that shouldn’t be a gobsmack
The wig is a shade of brown
And your own hair is jet black

ARE YOU WEARING A DUNCE’S CAP?

Are you wearing a dunce’s cap?
Of course that’s not inappropriate
I’m sorry to act surprised it’s my fault.
For a second I forgot you were an idiot

A Little Bit Of Humour # 53

ARE YOU WEARING A MAGICIAN’S HAT?

Are you wearing a magician’s hat?
Are you in the magic circle sphere?
But I have been wondering why
You made your clothes disappear

ARE YOU WEARING DANCING PUMPS?

Are you wearing dancing pumps?
Just like the great Darcy Bussle
But with your unusual body shape
Take care you don’t pull a muscle

ARE YOU WEARING A CORSAGE? # 2

Are you wearing a corsage?
On your elegant wrist
As you stand in the moonlight
And are sweetly kissed

ARE YOU WEARING AN ORCHID?

Are you wearing an orchid?
What a beautiful creation
Almost as beautiful as you
I would say without hesitation

ARE YOU WEARING A ROSEBUD?

Are you wearing a rosebud?
All delicate and pink
You’re allergic to flowers?
In which case I think
A wardrobe malfunction
Has revealed something pink

ARE YOU WEARING A BALL GOWN?

Are you wearing a ball gown?
And its a designer one too
Well you’re a bit over dressed
For feeding time at the zoo

ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER SHOES?

Are you wearing patent leather shoes?
Do I think they suit you? In truth no
As you’re a thirty four stone woman
Who is never going to look like Poirot

ARE YOU WEARING FISHNETS?

Are you wearing fishnets?
I’m glad they’re back in vogue
It’s the simple things in life
That appeal to this old rogue

ARE YOU WEARING A BABY DOLL DRESS?

Are you wearing a baby doll dress?
Well I don’t want to cause any distress
But are you sure that look is alright
When you’ve got that much cellulite

ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER?

Are you wearing patent leather?
Well at least it will never weather
But I would have to say honesty
On you it looks like PVC

ARE YOU WEARING FALSE PAINTED TOE NAILS?

Are you wearing false painted toe nails?
No I don’t think that they look sweet
And I think it’s a waste of money
Simple because you have Shrek feet

ARE YOU WEARING SEXY GARB?

Are you wearing sexy garb?
Well bless your heart I’m glad
But you wasted your time
Trying to look sexy is mad
You were sexy already, there
Was nothing you had to add

ARE YOU WEARING SEDUCTIVE GARB?

Are you wearing seductive garb?
Well I have to admire you style
But in order to seduce me
You need only wear a smile

ARE YOU WEARING PROVOCATIVE GARB?

Are you wearing provocative garb?
Well you might well cause some disquiet
But you are not really achieving you aim
But you might well provoke a riot

ARE YOU WEARING SEXUAL GARB?

Are you wearing sexual garb?
Well I can only offer you this barb
Wearing a codpiece and a condom
Is not going to turn anyone on

ARE YOU WEARING SLUTTY GARB?

Are you wearing slutty garb?
And are you trying to talk smut
Well I admire your endeavour, but
You’re wearing too much for a slut