THE YOUNG MEN CALLED HER JIGSAW

 

The young men called her jigsaw

For she was not universally adored

And the boys would only do her

When they were really bored

WE WANTED TO SPICE UP THE SEX

 

We wanted to spice up the sex,

Which, is more exciting than it sounds

As my girlfriend scratches during sex

Last night she won ten pounds

I CAN STILL ENJOY SEX

 

I can still enjoy sex

At Seventy-four,

I live at seventy six

So, it’s only next door

SEX AT SIXTY IS ALL VERY WELL

 

Sex at sixty is all very well

But it’s a bit do or die

Slowing down is better

And pulling into a lay-by

ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY KNEES?

 

“Are you looking at my knees?”

She asked me right out flat

I just looked at her coyly

And said “No I’m above that”

THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF! WOLF! WOLF!

 

Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!

Was repeatedly heard

But the dominatrix

Had forgotten the safe word

PORNOGRAPHY IS OFTEN FROWNED UPON

 

Pornography is often frowned upon,

And viewed as degenerating

I frown when I’m watching it

But that's because I'm concentrating

MY AUNT WAS THIRTY WHEN SHE LOST HER VIRGINITY

 

My Aunt was thirty when she lost her virginity

She had left it so late as the act was so dreaded

But was relieved when it had finally happened,

And wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded

TO SPICE UP MY DREARY LIFE

To spice up my dreary life

I chose to hold a sex game

And threw an orgy last night,

Unfortunately, nobody came

SAILORS FIGHTING IN A DANCE HALL

 

Two sailors where fighting

Over a prostitute on the dance floor

They both had one arm each

In a bizarre game of Tug-of-whore

I WAS SCARRED DURING MY FIRST TIME

 

I was scarred during my first time

And made me think I was still a virgin

I thought I was doing fine until she said

Those three dreaded words, “Is it in?”

ARE YOU WEARING TARTY GARB?

 

Are you wearing tarty garb?

Well, I will say this for a start

You might well get picked up

But no one wants to date a tart

ARE YOU WEARING SLUTTY GARB?

 

Are you wearing slutty garb?

And are you trying to talk smut

Well, I admire your endeavour, but

You’re wearing too much for a slut

ARE YOU WEARING SEXUAL GARB?

 

Are you wearing sexual garb?

Well, I can only offer you this barb

Wearing a codpiece and a condom

Is not going to turn anyone on

TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY EIGHT LOVERS

 

“Two hundred and eighty eight lovers”

Was not what I expected, not even close

But that was what my mum confessed

And to be honest that was just two gross

I ONCE MADE A SEX TAPE

 

I once made a sex tape

With an old girlfriend of mine

Although the first I knew

Was when I saw it on line

YOU SHOULD NEVER ENTERTAIN LEWD THOUGHTS

 

You should never entertain

Lewd thoughts, whatever you do

You should close your eyes

And let them entertain you

WHEN DID YOU LAST HAVE SEX

 

I asked “When did you last have sex?”

My uncle replied “1956”

“That long ago” I exclaimed “Wow”

And he said “it’s only 20.35 now

ARE YOU WEARING THAT TONIGHT?

 

Are you wearing that tonight?

I can’t say I’m not disappointed

You don’t normally have a hair out of place

And you are always perfumed and anointed

You haven’t bothered to get glammed up

So tonight you look like a plain Jane

I certainly don’t want to be seen with you

And you only have yourself to blame

You’ve done something out of place

And I really didn’t want to see “the girl below”

Yes I do think that it’s all over between us

But I don’t agree that I’m being shallow

LOOKING VERY GOOD IN BLACK

I thought of how good she looked in black

When I saw her approaching

And anticipated the removal of the Green dress

At the end of the evening