WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 1

 

When my Gran got out of bed

And suddenly felt chest pain

She knew that she had only

Stood on her nipples again

OCTOGENARIAN CUDDLE

 

Eighty-year-old Ada

Said to husband Hugh

Cuddle up to me

Like you used to do

 

So, he did, and she said

“That’s lovely dear”

Then she said to him

“Now nibble my ear”

 

And he got out of bed

"Where are you goin’?"

She asked her husband

"To put me teeth back in!"

THERE’S LIFE IN THIS OLD DOG YET

 

There’s life in this old dog yet

I don’t even think about my age

Once a week me and my friends

Go out and paint the town beige

HOW OLD WAS YOUR HUSBAND?

 

“How old was your husband?”

Asked the undertaker

“He was “96,” she replied

“I’m two years older”

 

“Wow! So you’re 98

That’s amazing Mrs Boone”

Then he continued

“I will see you again quite soon”

NEWS FLASH

 

News flash:

Wrinkles don't hurt.

That’s the buzz

It’s knowing that

You have them

That does

SENIOR REVELATION

 

One day you look in the mirror

And beneath the lathers

You realize that the face

You are shaving is your fathers

SEND FOR THE UNDERTAKER

 

Oh God I feel so old

Just send for the undertaker 

I’ve started making the same noises

As my coffee maker

IN THE AUTUMN OF MY YEARS

 

In the autumn of my years

In the twilight of the setting suns

Will I become that which I despise?

A burden to my loved ones

A MEDICAL MIRACLEA MEDICAL MIRACLE - The alphabet of doom

The alphabet of doom

 

(I’m)

Arthritic,

Bronchial,

Calloused,

(And)

Decaying,

 

Exitial,

Flatulent,

Gaseous,

(And)

Haemorrhoidal,

 

Incontinent,

Jaundiced,

Knackered,

Liver spotted,

(And)

Myopic,

 

Neuralgic,

Overdue,

Preoperative,

(And)

Queasy,

 

Rheumatic,

Shaky,

Tremulous,

Unviable,

(And)

Viral,

 

(A)

Worrywart,

Xanthochroic,

Yellow

(And)

Zeroed
(And that’s on a good day)

 

(I’m)

Arthritic,

Bronchial,

Calloused,

(And)

Decaying,

 

Exitial,

Flatulent,

Gaseous,

(And)

Haemorrhoidal,

 

Incontinent,

Jaundiced,

Knackered,

Liver spotted,

(And)

Myopic,

 

Neuralgic,

Overdue,

Preoperative,

(And)

Queasy,

 

Rheumatic,

Shaky,

Tremulous,

Unviable,

(And)

Viral,

 

(A)

Worrywart,

Xanthochroic,

Yellow

(And)

Zeroed
(And that’s on a good day)

MEDICAL MIRACLE

 

I’ve avoided most diseases

Nature has deployed

But I’m suffering the effects

Of a life well enjoyed

Now I keep twenty doctors

Gainfully employed

SENIOR NETWORKING

 

A young lady I met in the street

Asked of me “Sir, do you tweet”?

I answered, “No, of course not

But I have to say I do trump a lot.”

LABOUR SAVING THINGAMAJIGS

 

At my age I can safely say

I do not need more gizmo’s

Labour saving thingamajigs

And gadgetry so-and-sos

The garage door opener

And the TV remote

With those two things

I can just about cope

And I sometimes find

Though they are useful

I get them mixed up

To be quite truthful

HALFWAY UP THE STAIRS

 

I have come to the conclusion

That old age just isn’t fair

You know sometimes I find myself

Standing halfway up the stairs

Wondering if I was going up

Or coming back down from there

SENIOR CONVERSE

 

You should not as a general rule

Engage in converse in anyway

With one or more retirees

On almost any given day

Because they have nothing

But time to fill their day

Which they use in short

To think of silly things to say

SENIOR DILEMMA

 

Why is it that as I get older

My brain cells are dying

But my fat cells

Just keep on multiplying

SENIOR BRIGHT SIDE

 

There are benefits to getting old

Though you may feel you are cursed

But just remember in a hostage situation

You are likely to be released first

HAPPY HOURS

 

I always liked happy hour

Well, when I was a younger chap

Now at my age I’m afraid

Happy hour is taking a little nap

CRS

 

I’ve been diagnosed with CRS

Yes, I think that’s it

I forget what it means

Oh yes “Can’t remember shit”

BREAKING NEWS ABOUT THE OLD

 

Do you know why it is?

That old people like to keep a pet

Is it for the exercise?

Or a bit of company, better yet

 

Well, the truth of it is

And this will leave you all agog

It’s so when they bend down and break wind

They can blame it on the dog

RETIRED?

 

I was tired yesterday

And I’m tired again today

That makes me re-tired I’d say