SHE’S BEEN SLEEPING UNDER THE STARS

 

When she returned home, she said

She had been sleeping under the stars

Which meant, she’d been having sex

With celebrities that she met in bars

I ONCE KNEW A GIRL CALLED JO # 5

 

I once knew a girl called Jo

Jo the pretty faced

With the narrowest waist

Who was to everyone’s taste

Even other girls called Jo’s

I ONCE KNEW A GIRL CALLED JO # 4

 

I once knew a girl called Jo

Jo with the all over tan

Jo Jo the Can Can

The perfect gift for a man

Who had a beautiful

White toothed smile

DID YOU HEAR OXYGEN

 

Did you hear oxygen

Is going out with magnesium

The first atom asked

OMg said the second atom

A MAN IN LOVE IS INCOMPLETE

 

A man in love is incomplete

Until he is married

According Zsa Zsa Gabor

And then he’s finished

THE TRAFFIC COP STOPPED A TRUCK

 

The traffic cop stopped a truck

And told the driver that his wife

Had fallen out of the back, and

As a result the woman lost her life

The driver though was not bereft

But relieved he hadn’t gone deaf

I ONCE KNEW A GIRL CALLED JO # 3

 

I once knew a girl called Jo

I knew as Jo with the flat chest

Who had nothing inside her vest

But I was still blessed

For she had other attributes

THE ABSENT GIFT

 

The man explained why he hadn’t

Got his wife a gift for her birthday

The previous year he bought her

The nice plot in the cemetery

That she had requested, and she

Hadn’t used it, and he was unhappy

AFTER GETTING HOME LATE ONE NIGHT

 

After getting home late one night, very drunk,

He sees something that will forever scar his brain

And the consequence of seeing two of his wife

He quit drinking so he wouldn’t see that again

SHE PUT THE ASHES IN AN EGG TIMER

 

She put the ashes in an egg timer

After her husband’s final breath

So he would at least be useful

Around the house after his death

I ONCE KNEW A GIRL CALLED JO # 2

 

I once knew a girl called Jo

Jo with the deep voice

Oh how she made me rejoice

She was so very choice

With no Adams apple

I’m pleased to say

MATRIMONIAL TOME

 

Sometimes I wish

My wife was a book

Simply because  

You can shut up a book

I THINK MEN ARE LIKE WEAPONS

 

I think men are like weapons

Because if you keep one

Around the house sooner or later

You’ll want to shoot one

HE WAS LOCKED UP AFTER HE THREW

 

He was locked up after he threw

His wife’s clothes out the window

What made it a heinous crime

She was wearing them at the time

HE MARKED HIS GOLDEN WEDDING

 

He marked his golden wedding

With his customary defiance

Celebrating the special occasion

With a two minutes silence

MY WIFE ALWAYS GETS HISTORICAL

 

My wife always gets historical

When we argue, not hysterical

She drags up things you know

That happened many years ago

I ONCE KNEW A GIRL CALLED JO # 1

 

I once knew a girl called Jo

I called her Jo the Trumpet

A bit of a musical strumpet

She was certainly crumpet

But her lips were hard and dry

OPPOSITES ATTRACT THEY SAY

 

Opposites attract they say

And for my wife and I

Nothing could be truer

As I have an eight-inch penis

And she doesn’t know

How to use a ruler

MY WIFE WAS VERY EMBARRASSED OF ME

 

My wife was very embarrassed of me

So much so in her view

That on our wedding day

I was only invited to the evening do

PEDANTIC WIFE

 

My wife said if I don’t stop

Being pedantic

I’ll have less friends

I turned to her and said

“That’s not true,

I will have fewer friends”