JANUARY BLUES

 

I hate the month of January

Every single day from New Years day

To the 31^st day

I hate the month of January

With every fibre of my being

You may say it’s just the January blues

That colours my views        

But it’s much deeper than that.

It’s always such a long depressing month

With dreary weather and miserable people

It’s the inevitable aftermath

That follows a joyful Christmas

Its going back to work to the same depressing job

You so happily left behind you on Christmas Eve

It’s the empty bank account

And the look ahead at the five long weeks till payday

Its New Years resolutions and not keeping them

I hate the month of January

From day one, new years day

With it’s reminder of things to come

Another bloody awful year ahead

January fills me with dread

WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES

 

When the clock strikes

The midnight hour

One year ends

And another begins

With an explosion

Of pyrotechnic splendour

Lavishly ostentatious

Many thousands of pounds

Up in smoke

Is it really worth it?

Would it not be better spent?

On the homeless

And the lost

And so begin a new year

With new hope

NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1

 

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

On New Year’s Eve

Before the bells begin to clang

Ask her if she wants to

Ring in the New Year with a bang?

A LITTLE GIRL’S WARNING

A little girl watched her dad dress for a party.

And then she gave her dad a warning

“Daddy, you shouldn't wear that dinner suit”

He asked, “why not?” his curiosity dawning

“Because you know that it always gives

You a bad headache the next morning”

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 1

 

I was separated from my wife

Due to my serial infidelity

And found myself in bed again

With her best friend Felicity

It was on New Year’s Day

And Felicity asked me

“Did you make a resolution?

What was it? Go on tell me”

I replied “Not to be unfaithful

Ever again to my wife Pru”

As she climbed onto me she asked

“How’s that working out for you?”

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 2

 

I made a New Year’s resolution

To stop having one-night stands

Which would be easier to do

If second dates were in my plans

THIS YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S EVE FORECAST:

 

This year’s New Year’s Eve forecast:

A row with the girlfriend, acute loneliness

Followed by being mostly drunk with

A very slight chance of unconsciousness

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS ARE JUST

 

New Year’s resolutions are just

Lies that we tell one another

And are something that go in

One year and out the other

MY ONLY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

My only New Year's resolution

Is to be more optimistic next year

By keeping my cup half-full

With either vodka, whiskey, or beer 

NEW YEAR’S EVE IS ONE OF THE FEW

 

New Year’s Eve is one of the few

Acceptable times to wear body glitter

When you have a reasonable expectation

Of not being mistaken for a stripper

TRANSYLVANIA NEW YEAR

 

On New Year's Eve

At the appropriate time

The vampires sing

Auld Fang Syne

OLD YEARS NIGHT

 

My wife is an optimist

Which is why, she stays up

On New Year’s Eve

To see in the new one

 

I am by nature a pessimist

Which means, that I stay up

On New Year’s Eve

To make sure the old one has gone

NEW RESOLVE

 

My New Year resolution

Was to find a solution

To my misshapen figure

And lack of vim and vigour

Though feeling rather grim

I signed up for the gym

First came the orientation

And equipment demonstration

I was told of suitable clothes

Something loose that flows

I said “the reason or the point

Of me being in this joint

And why I signed up tonight

Is all my clothes are tight”

IF YOU WERE BORN IN LATE SEPTEMBER

 

If you were born in late September,

The bells should definitely start to clang

As it’s pretty safe to assume that your folks

Started out the New Year with a Bang

RATHER THAN MAKE A POINTLESS RESOLUTIONS

Rather than make a pointless resolution

I will make a wish for those I hold dear

May you always have all that you need

And want all you have, Happy New Year! 

NEW YEAR’S EVE FANCY DRESS

 

My friend asked me

What I was going to be

For New Year’s Eve

I said “Drunk will do me”

NEW YEARS IS JUST AN EXCUSE

 

New Years is just an excuse

For girls to dress inappropriately

And that’s why New Years

Is the best holiday for me

MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION

 

My New Year’s resolution

And my reasoning is sound

And that is to get in shape,

In the end, I chose round

DRY JANUARY

 

A month without alcohol

Isn’t what makes January dry

What does, is sex without foreplay

Or indeed the use of KY

Christmas 2016 # 2

AS KIDS EVERY CHRISTMAS TIME

As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work

AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD

At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present

But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas

SHINY RED BAUBLES

Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason

WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF

We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection

INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY

Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer

FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER

For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts

I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS

I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries

WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?

“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”

WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS

With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’

JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN

Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.

SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET

Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY

The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says its
Because the Star is in the Yeast

DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”