DOCTOR PHOBIA

 

I went to see my GP. And I said

“I'm scared of lapels Doctor”

He said “ok just calm down

You've a touch of cholera”

SUPPORT GROUP - LOW SELF ESTEEM

Do you suffer from Low Self Esteem?

Well that’s what Support groups are for

We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.

Just remember to use the back door

DOCTOR PLEASE

 

“Doctor please help me?

I have a ringing in my ears"

He replied “if they ask for me

Tell them I’m not here”

END OF THE LINE

 

My mate was so depressed

In fact, he was suicidal

But he wasn’t dynamic

In fact, he was bloody idle

 

So, I took care of him

As a true friend never quits

I pushed him under a train

He was chuffed to bits

THE FOURTH EMERGENCY SERVICE

 

I was driving to work this morning

It was just as the day was dawning

And I noticed a parked-up AA van

And next to it was a crying man

But properly weeping and wailing

Down on his knees with arms flailing

I just shook my head with a frown

I knew he was headed for a breakdown

ERIC THE CLERIC

 

Atmospheric Eric

An evangelical cleric

Was highly esoteric

And was quite mesmeric

But the atmospheric cleric

Was prone to the hysteric

And like his father Derek

Became a bedlam cleric

WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?

 

I’ve always been paranoid

That I will admit

And for many years

I’ve been getting help with it

Now to a life of deafness

I have been condemned

And I know people talk about me

But now I can’t hear them

CALL ME EPPING

 

They call me Epping

Coz I’m not the full shilling

They call me Epping

Coz I’m just past Barking

MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS # 1

 

I've noticed that there is a fine line

Between genius and insanity 

And also, that artificial intelligence

Is no match for natural stupidity 

MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS # 2

 

I've learned that I don't suffer

From insanity, I enjoy it

And perhaps not surprisingly

No body actually gives a shit

THE BLACK DOG

 

For years I have suffered

At the hands of depression

I’m not alone in my suffering

Many others have this affliction

Winston Churchill had a name for it

“Black dog” he named his miasm

I’ve come to think of mine

As anger without enthusiasm

FEELING DOWN

 

I find at times life gets me down a bit

And I get depressed I must admit

I’m not the only one that is sometimes down

And I try to make a smile out of a frown

But lately my mood had been very black

And I knew I must try to get my life back

I thought the Samaritans can help if anyone can 

So, I called and got a call centre in Pakistan

I explained that I called them for my survival

because I was low, and I was feeling suicidal

I was surprised at their response to my blues

Because they were very excited at my news

And they proceeded to try and ascertain

If I could drive a truck or fly a plane

I SUFFER FROM KLEPTOMANIA

 

I suffer from kleptomania

I have to admit

But when it gets bad,

I take something for it

YOU HAVE A SYNDROME

 

If you keep randomly shouting out

“Broccoli” or “Cauliflower”

Have no regrets

It’s not something you can’t really help

Because it just means

You suffer from florets

I SUFFER FROM KLEPTOMANIA

 

I suffer from kleptomania

I have to admit

But when it gets bad,

I take something for it

I WAS ONCE DIAGNOSED WITH

 

I was once diagnosed with

Antisocial behavior disorder,

So I joined a support group

But we never meet to be fair

THERE IS A SHORT CIRCUIT

 

There is a short circuit

In the wiring of my brain

Which torments me until

I have Equilibrium again

But I’m unravelling

Like a ball of twine

An unwilling victim

Of my malicious mind

Medication will help

To redress my rationality

But it dulls the knife edge

Of my personality

WHY DID THE CHICKEN NOT CROSS THE ROAD

 

Why did the chicken not cross the road

And choose instead to commit suicide?

It seems to me to be the wrong approach

If he just wanted to get to the other side

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT MY NEIGHBOUR

I cannot believe that my

Next door neighbour

Is a self-harmer

She's so vile there

Must be queue of people

Willing to do it for her

I GOT INTO TROUBLE FOR TELLING

 

I got into trouble for telling

A self-harming joke

I know self-harm isn’t funny

But I’m a funny bloke

So, I won’t beat myself up

Because it was just a joke