FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 15
The true nature of fairy tales
Are for the devotee, a heartbreaker
Because the tales were sanitized
Such as the Elves and the Hoe maker
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 10
I went into hospital for minor surgery
The whole surgical team acted like comedians
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!”
ARE YOU WEARING BUBBLE WRAP?
Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Well that is a novel form of dress
But if I were to start popping the bubbles
Would that cause you any distress?
I DON’T WALK WITH THE CROWD
I don’t walk with the crowd and
I’m not the usual Microwave user
I like to stop it at one second
Just to feel like a bomb de-fuser.
THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE # 2
The secret to a happy married life
Is that good things needn’t be hurried
So be engaged for at least six months
Before the two of you get married
I DON’T MIND YOU NOT BEING GLAMMED UP
I don’t mind you not being glammed up
But a gent’s tweed suit is not your normal attire
Is there any reason for your change of style?
Is the masculine look some form of satire?
THE BEST EASTER ACTOR OF ALL TIME # 3
I saw Arnie eating a chocolate egg
So I said “I know what your favourite
Christian festival is” and he said
“You have to love Easter, baby”
THE GRIM REAPER CAME FOR ME LAST NIGHT
The Grim Reaper came for me last night
And I could barely catch my breath
But I beat him away with a vacuum cleaner
And was really Dyson with death.
AN UMBRELLA WAS LIKE A PANCAKE
Granddad always said, an umbrella was like
A pancake, but I didn’t know what he meant?
I only found out many years later that it was
Because they were seldom seen after lent
WHEN HIS FOOD ARRIVED
When his food arrived
He saw something distressing
“There’s a button in my salad”
The waiter said, messing
“That's all right, sir,
It's just part of the dressing”
Showing posts with label Burns Night. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Burns Night. Show all posts
Monday 30 January 2017
Saturday 28 January 2017
A Little Bit Of Humour # 139
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 14
Puss in Boots isn’t all he appears
And you will be shocked to your roots
He is more flamboyant in private
And is often Puss in Latex Boots
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 9
I went into hospital for minor surgery
Afterwards in recovery I heard “oh fuck it!,
“Someone call the janitorial services
We're going to need a mop and bucket!”
THE HAGGIS
Haggis is made from sheep's offal
Oatmeal, suet, seasoning and onions
Stuffed inside of a sheep stomach
Which has to be one of Heston’s creations
THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE # 1
The secret to a happy married life
Is that you should simply remember
That to keep on the good side of your wife
Silence is sometimes the best answer
ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY KEG?
Are you wearing a brandy keg?
Is obviously the question that I beg?
I obviously hope the answer is yes
If it’s no, I’m hallucinating I guess
FAT TUESDAY
Pancake Day is known as Fat Tuesday
And is the last day before the Lenten season
It was a feast day and it was the practise of
Them stuffing their faces that is the reason
A HOLIDAY DECEPTION # 1
I pretend to be someone I’m not
Just to receive something sweet
Which could be for Halloween
Or for a Valentine’s Day treat
SO IF THEY PUT REAL LEMONS
So if they put real lemons
In the washing up liquid
Does that mean that they
Put real fairies in fairy liquid
GRETEL DIDN’T GO TO THE WOODS
Gretel didn’t go to the woods
Looking for a house of gingerbread
When she walked along with Hansel
She was looking for a muffin instead
I WENT TO A LECTURE ON TYRE TECHNOLOGY
I went to a lecture on tyre technology
But during the lecture from hell
The lecturer told a joke about a puncture
Which I thought went down well
Puss in Boots isn’t all he appears
And you will be shocked to your roots
He is more flamboyant in private
And is often Puss in Latex Boots
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 9
I went into hospital for minor surgery
Afterwards in recovery I heard “oh fuck it!,
“Someone call the janitorial services
We're going to need a mop and bucket!”
THE HAGGIS
Haggis is made from sheep's offal
Oatmeal, suet, seasoning and onions
Stuffed inside of a sheep stomach
Which has to be one of Heston’s creations
THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE # 1
The secret to a happy married life
Is that you should simply remember
That to keep on the good side of your wife
Silence is sometimes the best answer
ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY KEG?
Are you wearing a brandy keg?
Is obviously the question that I beg?
I obviously hope the answer is yes
If it’s no, I’m hallucinating I guess
FAT TUESDAY
Pancake Day is known as Fat Tuesday
And is the last day before the Lenten season
It was a feast day and it was the practise of
Them stuffing their faces that is the reason
A HOLIDAY DECEPTION # 1
I pretend to be someone I’m not
Just to receive something sweet
Which could be for Halloween
Or for a Valentine’s Day treat
SO IF THEY PUT REAL LEMONS
So if they put real lemons
In the washing up liquid
Does that mean that they
Put real fairies in fairy liquid
GRETEL DIDN’T GO TO THE WOODS
Gretel didn’t go to the woods
Looking for a house of gingerbread
When she walked along with Hansel
She was looking for a muffin instead
I WENT TO A LECTURE ON TYRE TECHNOLOGY
I went to a lecture on tyre technology
But during the lecture from hell
The lecturer told a joke about a puncture
Which I thought went down well
Monday 22 February 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 112
THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE DROPPING
The Russian Airforce are dropping
Amazon bombs on Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour
FOGHORN LEGHORN LEFT
Foghorn Leghorn left
The basketball court
Wearing a scowl
Because he misunderstood
When he heard
The ref blew a foul
ROYAL ETIQUETTE
If you can’t turn your back
On her majesty
How can the royal chauffeur
Drive her safely
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE REACHED
You know you have reached
The end of your childhood
When knock down ginger is bad
And afternoon naps are good
SIT DOWN IN THE MEADOW
Sit down in the meadow
And we will bill and coo
We will choose a perfect spot
But please be careful do
Oh dear that was thoughtless
I did suggest you take care
It was rather ill considered
For you to sit down there
As if you lift your buttock up
You’ll see you squashed
A perfect patch of buttercup
THE SIMPLE DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE
The simple definition of marriage
I think you should understand
Is that one person is always right
And the other one is the husband
ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY BARREL?
Are you wearing a brandy barrel?
Yes I know it’s like the rescue dog
But you know that the St Bernard
Doesn’t drink all of the grog
I’VE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD LATELY
I’ve been working really hard lately
But I’ve got a day off today
It was nice not having to get up early
And have a snooze day Tuesday
THE PREDATORY MALE
The predatory male
As he hunts amidst the herds
Is only offended
By two four letter words.
The first one being “don't”
And “stop” being the other
And both words bring a halt
To his particular pleasure
Unless of course
They are used together
HE WAS A REAL JACK THE LAD
He was a real Jack the Lad
All flash and brash,
Living it large
And always splashing the cash
You might well be temped
But I advise nothing rash
If he tries it on give him the slip
And make a dash
ARE YOU WEARING LEGGINGS?
Are you wearing leggings?
That are baggy 'round the knees
As I can’t see them for myself
Can I have more details please?
I TOLD MY DAD
I told my dad “I want to be
A fortune teller init”
He said “Don’t be daft son
There’s no future in it”
I GOT A JOB AT THE CARNIVAL
I got a job at the carnival and
The hall of mirror was my selection
But it wasn’t what I thought
And it was a bad choice on reflection
FOGHORN LEGHORN WAS THROWN
Foghorn Leghorn was thrown
Off the court
As the crowd began to howl
And he would never again
Be a referee
All because he blew a fowl
DONATIONS TO SPERM BANKS
Donations to Sperm Banks
In the UK are in decline
Because most people today
Do their banking on line
FOGHORN LEGHORN’S WIFE ONLY LAID
Foghorn Leghorn’s wife only laid
Her eggs in the winter or fall
But that made sense, as she was
No Spring Chicken after all
The Russian Airforce are dropping
Amazon bombs on Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour
FOGHORN LEGHORN LEFT
Foghorn Leghorn left
The basketball court
Wearing a scowl
Because he misunderstood
When he heard
The ref blew a foul
ROYAL ETIQUETTE
If you can’t turn your back
On her majesty
How can the royal chauffeur
Drive her safely
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE REACHED
You know you have reached
The end of your childhood
When knock down ginger is bad
And afternoon naps are good
SIT DOWN IN THE MEADOW
Sit down in the meadow
And we will bill and coo
We will choose a perfect spot
But please be careful do
Oh dear that was thoughtless
I did suggest you take care
It was rather ill considered
For you to sit down there
As if you lift your buttock up
You’ll see you squashed
A perfect patch of buttercup
THE SIMPLE DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE
The simple definition of marriage
I think you should understand
Is that one person is always right
And the other one is the husband
ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY BARREL?
Are you wearing a brandy barrel?
Yes I know it’s like the rescue dog
But you know that the St Bernard
Doesn’t drink all of the grog
I’VE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD LATELY
I’ve been working really hard lately
But I’ve got a day off today
It was nice not having to get up early
And have a snooze day Tuesday
THE PREDATORY MALE
The predatory male
As he hunts amidst the herds
Is only offended
By two four letter words.
The first one being “don't”
And “stop” being the other
And both words bring a halt
To his particular pleasure
Unless of course
They are used together
HE WAS A REAL JACK THE LAD
He was a real Jack the Lad
All flash and brash,
Living it large
And always splashing the cash
You might well be temped
But I advise nothing rash
If he tries it on give him the slip
And make a dash
ARE YOU WEARING LEGGINGS?
Are you wearing leggings?
That are baggy 'round the knees
As I can’t see them for myself
Can I have more details please?
I TOLD MY DAD
I told my dad “I want to be
A fortune teller init”
He said “Don’t be daft son
There’s no future in it”
I GOT A JOB AT THE CARNIVAL
I got a job at the carnival and
The hall of mirror was my selection
But it wasn’t what I thought
And it was a bad choice on reflection
FOGHORN LEGHORN WAS THROWN
Foghorn Leghorn was thrown
Off the court
As the crowd began to howl
And he would never again
Be a referee
All because he blew a fowl
DONATIONS TO SPERM BANKS
Donations to Sperm Banks
In the UK are in decline
Because most people today
Do their banking on line
FOGHORN LEGHORN’S WIFE ONLY LAID
Foghorn Leghorn’s wife only laid
Her eggs in the winter or fall
But that made sense, as she was
No Spring Chicken after all
Tuesday 12 January 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 111
EASTER PARADOX
One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in the Easter Bunny
While chocolate eggs accompany events
ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers no, reply
“Do you want some today?”
THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 2
The president of Chess Club
Was toying with his bishop
Then his mum walked in
And told him he had to stop
HAVING + 1 CHANNELS
If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for everyone
Which would automatically allow
The likely mistake to be easily undone
WHEN MUM TOLD ME THAT MASTURBATING
When mum told me that masturbating
Caused serious eye defects
I made the decision that I would stop
But not until I needed specs
AT WORK IT WAS THE BIRTHDAY
At work it was the birthday
Of a colleague that no one can abide
The card we got was perfect for her
Because it was blank inside
PICKUP # 16
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Say to her “If I follow you home
Tonight its not as it seems
I was just brought up to
Follow my dreams"
ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTESTORS
Animal rights protestors
The animal lovers, self-styled
Broke into a specialist farm
Releasing the haggis to the wild
FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE ROAD
Foghorn Leghorn crossed the road
And without a pause for dossing
He immediately returned again
Because he was double-crossing
AN ENGLISHMAN WALKED INTO A PUB
An Englishman walked into a pub
But something was definitely up
There were no Irish, Welsh or Scots
Because they were still in the cup
I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO FIND PRAWN BREAD
I haven’t been able to find prawn bread
I have searched from coast to coast
So what I really want to know now is
How on earth do they make prawn toast
WE’VE ALL HEARD ABOUT THE MUSHROOM
We’ve all heard about the mushroom
Who turned out to be the fungi sort
But he also won gold at the Olympics
So he’s a true champignon of sport
I HAVE A CAR THAT CAN TRANSFORM
I have a car that can transform
It’s a real super car
Although to be fare it’s only
Turned into a road so far
One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in the Easter Bunny
While chocolate eggs accompany events
ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 2
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers no, reply
“Do you want some today?”
THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 2
The president of Chess Club
Was toying with his bishop
Then his mum walked in
And told him he had to stop
HAVING + 1 CHANNELS
If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for everyone
Which would automatically allow
The likely mistake to be easily undone
WHEN MUM TOLD ME THAT MASTURBATING
When mum told me that masturbating
Caused serious eye defects
I made the decision that I would stop
But not until I needed specs
AT WORK IT WAS THE BIRTHDAY
At work it was the birthday
Of a colleague that no one can abide
The card we got was perfect for her
Because it was blank inside
PICKUP # 16
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Say to her “If I follow you home
Tonight its not as it seems
I was just brought up to
Follow my dreams"
ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTESTORS
Animal rights protestors
The animal lovers, self-styled
Broke into a specialist farm
Releasing the haggis to the wild
FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE ROAD
Foghorn Leghorn crossed the road
And without a pause for dossing
He immediately returned again
Because he was double-crossing
AN ENGLISHMAN WALKED INTO A PUB
An Englishman walked into a pub
But something was definitely up
There were no Irish, Welsh or Scots
Because they were still in the cup
I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO FIND PRAWN BREAD
I haven’t been able to find prawn bread
I have searched from coast to coast
So what I really want to know now is
How on earth do they make prawn toast
WE’VE ALL HEARD ABOUT THE MUSHROOM
We’ve all heard about the mushroom
Who turned out to be the fungi sort
But he also won gold at the Olympics
So he’s a true champignon of sport
I HAVE A CAR THAT CAN TRANSFORM
I have a car that can transform
It’s a real super car
Although to be fare it’s only
Turned into a road so far
A Little Bit Of Humour # 110
ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers yes, reply
“You can have some more today”
FOGHORN LEGHORN WENT TO TOWN
Foghorn Leghorn went to town
On the bus with the other day trippers
But not to sight see, he went to KFC
Because of the chicken strippers
THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT
The only good thing about
The advent of another Wimbledon
Is that it means you’re two weeks
Closer to football season
PICKUP # 15
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During a night out
Just say to any girl you meet
"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone
Said you were looking for me”
THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 1
The president of Chess Club
Was rushed into moving his pawn
When he heard his mum planned
To search his bedroom at dawn
IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE
In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize
Was very highly sought after
For it allowed the winner to pass
On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper
MY HUSBAND MAKES LOVE TO ME
“My husband makes love to me
Like an Olympic athlete, honestly”
She boasted to her peers
“So it’s once every four year”
SOMETIMES I THINK I’LL BE A MALE STRIPPER
Sometimes I think I’ll be a male stripper
Be bold and take a chance
But then I remember I’m really fat
And I can’t actually dance
THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE FIRING
The Russian Airforce are firing
Amazon missiles at Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour
ARE YOU WEARING BEER GOGGLES?
Are you wearing beer goggles?
That’s a definite I reckon
Because I look like Iain Dowie
But you see David Beckham
MY SON WAS A MASTER EASTER EGG HUNTER
My son was a master Easter Egg Hunter
From the time he was a few years old
And had it become an Olympic event,
He would have easily have won the Gold
ONE DAY IN A FAR MORE CARING WORLD
One day in a far more caring world
Every chicken that ever lives
Will be able to cross the road without
Being judged on their motives
EVERY CHILD WILL AT SOME TIME
Every child will at some time
Threaten to run away
And that hope keeps parents
Going day to day
SHE WENT TO THE DOCTORS WITH A LETTUCE LEAF
She went to the doctors with a lettuce leaf
Poking out of her knickers which was quite absurd
And it looked a really nasty sight in truth
But it turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers yes, reply
“You can have some more today”
FOGHORN LEGHORN WENT TO TOWN
Foghorn Leghorn went to town
On the bus with the other day trippers
But not to sight see, he went to KFC
Because of the chicken strippers
THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT
The only good thing about
The advent of another Wimbledon
Is that it means you’re two weeks
Closer to football season
PICKUP # 15
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During a night out
Just say to any girl you meet
"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone
Said you were looking for me”
THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 1
The president of Chess Club
Was rushed into moving his pawn
When he heard his mum planned
To search his bedroom at dawn
IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE
In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize
Was very highly sought after
For it allowed the winner to pass
On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper
MY HUSBAND MAKES LOVE TO ME
“My husband makes love to me
Like an Olympic athlete, honestly”
She boasted to her peers
“So it’s once every four year”
SOMETIMES I THINK I’LL BE A MALE STRIPPER
Sometimes I think I’ll be a male stripper
Be bold and take a chance
But then I remember I’m really fat
And I can’t actually dance
THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE FIRING
The Russian Airforce are firing
Amazon missiles at Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour
ARE YOU WEARING BEER GOGGLES?
Are you wearing beer goggles?
That’s a definite I reckon
Because I look like Iain Dowie
But you see David Beckham
MY SON WAS A MASTER EASTER EGG HUNTER
My son was a master Easter Egg Hunter
From the time he was a few years old
And had it become an Olympic event,
He would have easily have won the Gold
ONE DAY IN A FAR MORE CARING WORLD
One day in a far more caring world
Every chicken that ever lives
Will be able to cross the road without
Being judged on their motives
EVERY CHILD WILL AT SOME TIME
Every child will at some time
Threaten to run away
And that hope keeps parents
Going day to day
SHE WENT TO THE DOCTORS WITH A LETTUCE LEAF
She went to the doctors with a lettuce leaf
Poking out of her knickers which was quite absurd
And it looked a really nasty sight in truth
But it turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg
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