OFFSPRING

A woman knows all about her children

She knows their likes and dislikes,

Who their friends are and who they fancy

Their illness’s, ailments and allergies

 

She knows the dates of all their matches

Drop off and pick up, Home and away

She knows about appointments for hospital

As well as Doctor, optical and dental

 

She knows about their favourite foods

And the things that make them sick

She knows what scares them and why

And what makes them laugh and cry

 

She knows all about their hopes and dreams

And what they may look for in a spouse

While a man on the other hand, is vaguely aware

Of some short people living in the house.

AN ILL WIND

 

An elderly couple were in church

When about halfway through,

May leant over and whispered

In the ear of her husband lou,

'I just let out a silent fart

What do you think I should do?'

'I think you should put a new battery

In your hearing aid' Replied Lou

THE NAKED TRUTH (2)

 

Mary stood naked before her husband

“What do you like most about me?”

"What is it that turns you on more,

My pretty face or my sexy body?"

He perused her nakedness briefly

"Your sense of humour!" said hubby

ARE YOU WEARING ANY?

 

Are you wearing any?

Beneath your tartan gear

Because if your kilt flares up

There will be a raucous cheer

HERALDING ITS ARRIVAL

 

Heralding its arrival

A lone piper suitably bedecked

Leads the procession

To the hosts table unchecked

It’s delivered to the supper

With such deferential respect

Then addressed and served

Not to eat it shows disrespect

Well if I’ve eaten anything fouler

Then I truly cannot recollect

ARE YOU WEARING A TARTAN SKIRT?

 

Are you wearing a Tartan skirt?

And what’s above your socks?

If I were able to take a look

I could maybe see the Trossachs

IN THE BURNS NIGHT RAFFLE

 

In the Burns Night Raffle, first prize

Was very highly sought after

For it allowed the winner to pass

On the haggis at the Burns Night Supper