A Little Bit Of Humour # 12

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 292

There was an Owl lived in an oak.
And one day his hoot became a croak
His feathers were drab for all too see
Then he gasped and fell out of the tree

ARE YOU WEARING A KNITTED SWIMSUIT?

Are you wearing a knitted swimsuit?
Well I know there’s a recession on
But I’m afraid knitted swimwear
Isn’t at all the right thing to don

Because one of two things will happen
The weight of wool will pull them down
Or when you are swimming the weight
Will pull you under and you’ll drown

A GOLF OF DIFFERENCE

I have been playing Golf for years
And sometimes it makes me curse
But it doesn’t matter how bad I play
I know next time it could be worse

FOUL WEATHER GOLFER

If you don’t mind playing Golf in the rain,
Snow, Storm, Tempest or a hurricane,
Then not wishing to burst your bubble
It’s not just your golf game that’s in trouble

WE ARE TRADITIONALISTS # 2

We are traditionalists
In our village
Deep in little Britain.
And on a weekend
There is nothing
We like better
Than a game
Of ten peasant bowling

YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU

“You can’t take it with you”
That’s what they say
But at the end of the day
A will is a dead giveaway

A BICYCLE COULDN'T STAND UP

A bicycle couldn't stand up
Alone it transpired
Because after a cycle
It was obviously two tired

WHEN I LIVED IN MELBOURNE

When I lived in Melbourne
I often used to wonder
Why the Local Area Network
Wasn’t called The LAN down under

COULD I TRY ON THAT PRETTY DRESS

"Could I try on that pretty dress
In the window?" she asked him
He replied "well I would prefer
That you used a cubicle madam"

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 293

There were two birds sat on a stone
The farmer saw them and then went home
He returned later with a loaded gun
Took close aim and then there were none

WHEN I FIRST MET HER

When I first met her
I was attracted by her looks
My first thought was not
I wonder if she cooks
But her literary inadequacy’s
One certainly brooks
She was only ever interested
In my cheque books

MY HUSBAND’S BEHAVIOUR

My husband’s behaviour
Is truly appalling
However it’s my fault really
Which is quite galling

If I hadn’t fed him cat food
Just for the laughs
He wouldn’t sit on the carpet
Licking his own arse

SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME

Since the beginning of time, the one thing
A woman really wants from her man
Is his commitment, its not a lot to expect
So have him committed as soon as you can

IF YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR

If you’ve been looking for
A committed man for ions,
You should have started
In the mental institution

ARE YOU WEARING SILK DRAWERS?

Are you wearing silk drawers?
I only ask you as I can see
That you appear to be the victim
Of an elastic deficiency
And if you combine that
With the force of gravity
They are around your ankles
You may think it a catastrophe
But I would beg to differ
For me it’s just serendipity

A Little Bit Of Humour # 11

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 290

Robin and Richard were two pretty men,
They laid in bed till the clock struck ten;
Then up starts Robin and looks at the sky:
"Oh, sod it Richard, the sun's very high!
Stop sniggering and pull on your knickers
We’re late for training at Twickers”

THE PRACTICE SWING

If your practice swing
Is the best you can do
Then I would have to say
That Golfs not for you

ARE YOU WEARING A TOGA?

Are you wearing a toga?
I don’t want to be an ogre
But you’ll be a hit alright
At the house party tonight
As everyone will be knowing.
Because you will be showing
That beneath the flowing robes
You have unfettered globes

THE GIMME

If the “Gimme Putt”
Is the best you can do
Then I would have to say
That Golfs not for you

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 291

Blow wind, blow
And go, mill, go
I heard the miller cry
But I don’t know why
He needs wind to grind
He’s clearly lost his mind
I know he has corn
To grind before dawn
And I know it’s hectic
But the Mill is electric
So he should know
If the wind did blow
The sails would be still
And it won’t turn the mill

ARE YOU WEARING ROMAN ROBES?

Are you wearing Roman robes?
They’re very loose and flowing
And they fit where they touch
Without any detail showing
Which keeps a man guessing
I really like that about them
Because it’ll be a surprise later
When I take you up the forum

RUNNING GENES

Scientists say there are now
Running Genes
But surely it would chafe
If you ran in Jeans

DANCING TO HIP HOP

I like breakin’ and poppin’
And dancing to Hip hop
At Sixty I should be stoppin’
As I’m down for a Hip op

ARE YOU WEARING A REUNION BADGE?

Are you wearing a reunion badge?
No wonder you look depressed
Steer clear of the class reunion
It will just leave you distressed
I know it was a bit of fun looking
At the old school year books
But going will just make you feel
Older than everyone else looks

GENETIC MARKERS

Scientists say they have discovered
Genetic markers that indicate athleticism
I think if they take a close look at mine
I will have markers for Couch potatoism

PORTMANTEAU

I was looking for a word
That summed up slogan or motto
But something more pithy
In the end I settled on Slotto

21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st Century Nursery Rhymes
I really find are such a doddle
Though most people think
That they are a load of twaddle
But as I rapidly approach
The autumn of my days
It’s frankly just too late
For me to change my ways

DIVIDING OPINION

Because of the obvious risk
That one of us might fall
I had a stair lift fitted
Which I don’t mind at all
But my wife says that its
Driving her up the wall

WE ARE TRADITIONALISTS # 1

We are traditionalists
In our village
Deep in little Britain.
And on a weekend
There is nothing
We like better
Than a game
Of spin the pauper

A Little Bit Of Humour # 10

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 288

As I was going to Banbury Cross
My wife was less than thrilled
“For god’s sake calm down” she said
“You’re going to get us killed

A PEOPLE PERSON

It read, “I’m a people person”
On his bumper sticker
But it actually turned out
That he was a trafficker

THERE IS A MOTH IN THE BATHROOM

There is a moth in the bathroom
Drawn towards the light
My wife was in the shower
And it gave her a bit of a fright

I don’t understand why
If they are attracted to the light
They don’t just appear
When the sun is shining bright

SALAD DODGERS

When the slot machines
Are played by those with obesity
In a life spent in the arcades
It’s the only fruit that they see

I RAN A PERSONAL BEST

I ran a personal best
In the 100 metres
And my new record is
Almost 80 metres

WALT DISNEY ON ICE

The kids wanted to see
Walt Disney on ice
They all thought
It would be really nice

However it turned out
To be some old geezer,
Walt Disney apparently,
Lying dead in a freezer

OUR FAMILY PLANNING

There are only 13 months
Between my two little chaps
It was actually by design
As we didn’t want a big gap
So thats why as part of the plan
My wife had a Caesarean

THE DALAI LAMA

In a vote for a leader of our planet
The Dalai Lama would be my bet
I would certainly risk a grand
If I were a Tibetan man

FOR MY 60TH BIRTHDAY

For my 60th birthday
I bought myself a sports car
It’s my pride and joy
Not that’s it’s been very far
As there is a slight problem
An oversight I have to admit
I need a hip replacement
Before I can get in it

THE BANK OF MUM AND DAD

When I bought my house
My parents kindly helped me
And now I really can’t
Thank them enough - apparently

ARE YOU WEARING A FASCINATOR?

Are you wearing a fascinator?
Well tell be more about that
Oh my imagination was all agog
But now you tell me its just a silly hat

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 289

If wishes were horses
Then beggars would ride,
But they’re not
So get off my pony

PLAYING A WOOD

For most of us weekend golfers
The only wood that is essential
To carry in your golf bag
Is a finely sharpened pencil

ARE YOU WEARING VELVET?

Are you wearing velvet?
That’s the sexiest dress yet
Do you mind if I touch?
Oh I like that very much
I don’t think we should go out
I think without a doubt
We should definitely stay in
And then we can both sin

A Little Bit Of Humour # 9

mARE YOU WEARING SEVEN INCH HEELS?

Are you wearing seven inch heels?
As you’re tottering down the street
But don’t you feel silly standing
Six foot two in your stocking feet

AT DR DOOLITTLE’S ANIMAL CLINIC

At Dr Doolittle’s animal clinic
The Animals do the lot
The chief vet is a Labrador
Assisted by a dog called spot

But it’s not a cheap option
With extra charges of all sorts
For PET scans and Polly grams
Cat scans and Lab reports

THE WILDLIFE DOWN UNDER

The wildlife down under
Includes the Wallabies
But if truth be known they’re
Just Kangaroo Wannabies

IN THE EUROPEAN FORESTS

In the European forests
The wild boar can be vicious
But it’s worth the risk
As they’re bloody delicious

FOOD SCANDAL

The best thing to result
From the food scandal by far
Is that they can now call off
The search for Shergar

GERIATRIC DOCTOR

The Doctor on the geriatric ward
Placed his stethoscope
On the chest of an elderly patient
By the name of Mrs Hope

She was quite a bit deaf
So he said “big breaths,” loudly
“Well Doctor they used to be,”
Mrs Hope replied proudly

ARE YOU WEARING BREAST TIGHTENING SERUM?

Are you wearing breast tightening serum?
No of course there is no disgrace
But I do think I should point out
That you don’t put it on your face

MY WIFE AND I ARE INSEPARABLE

My wife and I are inseparable
Do you want to know why?
Because if either of us went away
We would have to kiss goodbye

MY DEAR WIFE SAID TO ME

My dear wife said to me
“I hate you when you’re drunk Stephen”
I replied, “Well I hate you
When I’m sober so that makes us even”

MOBILE COMMUNICATION 2013

“I want to buy a mobile phone,
No I don’t want a camera,
Not even video,
No I don’t want movie down loads
Screensaver’s, internet access,
Or downloads of any kind
I don’t want WAP or WiFi
G3, G4 or G5
I don’t need 100 ringtones
10000 free minutes
Or unlimited texts at weekends
I don’t need a I GB data allowance
I don’t want to play games
I don’t need an MP3 player
I don’t want a tracker,
I neither want nor need
Blue tooth
Sharks tooth
Hounds tooth
Or dog tooth.
I do not require the world at my fingertips.
In short, what I want is a device
To make and receive phone calls
And to send and receive texts
I just want to buy a BLOODY PHONE”
“Thank you that one will be perfect
Does it have a torch?”

FOOD SCARE

I have just found out
That in the meals I buy
That there is sea horse
In my fisherman’s pie

MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

My philosophy of life
Is a simple one
I recommend you try it,
You’ll be glad

Love the people
Who treat you right
Pray for the ones
Who treat you bad

TAKING THE CHERRY

The Cherry Ripe bar
I have so far concluded
As one of your five a day
May definitely be included

FATHER’S DAY

Don’t forget dad on Father’s Day
A bottle of something I think
And just remember that it is you
That drives him to drink

HARE OF THE DOG

I need a bit of a pick me up
After a very boozy lunch
A “hare of the dog” is the thing
After too much Rabbit Punch

A Little Bit Of Humour # 8

OUT OF THIS WORLD PRODUCE

My supermarkets veg is the best
Normally for quality you can’t beat it
But I bought some rocket salad
That went off before I could eat it

TRANSFUSION CONFUSION

Scientists have completed a study
And transfusions of Chicken blood
Are more beneficial medically

The positive side effects are that
It tends to make the men cocky
And women lay more regularly

ASK A STUPID QUESTION # 2

I walked past a homeless man
As I went into Co-op express
On my way out he said “Any Change?”
I replied “No, you're still homeless”

THE GIFT THAT JUST KEEPS GIVING

Doctors have found a type of food
Which leaves an ache
And causes grief and suffering
Years after we partake
It has now been identified
As wedding cake

EMOTIONAL WEDDING

I was with my wife,
At a family wedding do
And I said unsolicited
“I really love you"
“Is that the beer talking?”
She said “or you dear?”
I replied: “It was me
Talking to the beer”

NEW ABODE

At the weekend a friend of mine
Moved into a new house
And not wanting to visit
Empty handed I used a bit of nouse
And bought her a gift
I knew that she couldn’t resent
A couple of small radiators
As a little house warming present

LIFE IS TOO SHORT

Life is too short to wake up
In the morning with regret,
So I think not waking up until
After lunch is the safest bet

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE

The only difference between
A guard dog and mummy
Is that the guard dog will
Let go of you eventually

KEYBOARDS

In the 1970’s I was big into
Keyboards and synthesizers
I like Wakeman, and Emerson
In fact I was a moog sympathizer

HAVE YOU EVER HAD?

Have you ever had?
The kind of day
That almost drove you insane

When you wish
You’d done it differently
But your wishing is in vain

If only we could press
“Ctrl Alt Delete”
And start the day again

ROUGED CHEEKS

Rouged cheeks
And blood red lips
Varnished nails
And tattooed flesh
Dyed sculptured hair
And black shadowed brow
Who are you?
All pierced and painted
And what have you done
With my lovely daughter?

MOTHER’S DAY

Don’t forget mum on Mother’s Day
A bottle of something I think
And just remember that it is you
That drives her to drink

MERSEYSIDE POLICE SEALED THE CITY CENTRE

Merseyside Police sealed the City Centre
As they didn’t want to take a risk
As a suspicious object was seen in a car
It turned out later to be a tax disk

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF CONTEMPT?

Are you wearing a look of contempt?
After my ham fisted clumsy attempt
Clearly I can indeed see that you are
After failing to unhook that bloody bra

GIFTED AMATEURS

If someone says they’re an Amateur
There’s really no need to panic
Because Amateurs built the Ark
While Professionals built the Titanic

A Little Bit Of Humour # 7

ARE YOU WEARING CAMI-KNICKERS?

Are you wearing Cami-knickers?
Well might I ask the reason why?
Now they’re deliciously sexy things
Though not really appropriate on a guy
I HAVE FOUND AT MY AGE

I have found at my age
When the day is dawning
The easiest thing in the world
Is to roll out of bed in the morning
Getting up off the floor however
Really leaves me yarning

WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT YOU

Whatever life throws at you
The thing you must do
To be at your very best
Is bat it back with interest
Or if you are out of luck
Your best bet is to duck
You are safe that way
If you duck out of the way
When there is no way to stop it
Then someone else will cop it

PHILOSOPHICAL DRINKER

It doesn’t matter if the glass
Is half full or half empty
Either is fine
It just means that there is
More than enough room
To add more wine

PERSONAL HYGIENE

The instructions
On my new stick deodorant read
Remove cap
And push up bottom. It said
I complied with the instructions
And it made my eyes water
I had difficulty walking
I had to grip my buttocks taughter
But when I had to fart
I did so quite softly
And noticed at once
That the room smelt lovely

PRIORITISING

Players perform elaborate routines
When goals are scored by my team
They must practise them for days
But I would prefer in many ways
That the celebration performers
Would practise defending corners

WE HAD A TRIVIA QUIZ

We had a Trivia quiz at the pub last night
And I got most of the questions right
But the final question was a mare
“Where do women have the curliest hair?”
I thought “this is an easy one for me”
The correct answer was actually Fiji

BABY CARE UNIT

I just heard about an incident
That is reportedly true
Concerning a hospital
That has caused a to do
About the baby’s face
Somebody taped a dummy to
Well I have kids myself
And I would, wouldn’t you?

SENIOR BUFFER

I went into PC World
With a print error
And their solution
Filled me with terror

The spotty youth
On his help desk stint
Said I had to
Control P to print

I ORDERED THE TARKA DAL

I ordered the Tarka Dal
It was like lentil soup only hotter
I was a bit disappointed
As I was expecting curried otter

ARE YOU WEARING A STRAPLESS BRA?

Are you wearing a strapless bra?
With tits the size of yours
You’d have done better
Tucking then into your drawers

PATIENTS RIGHTS

A patient asked “nurse, why did you stop
My visitors coming to see me?”
She replied “you know perfectly well why,
You broke the rules Mr Ellery”
“But listen here I know my rights” he persisted
“I’m allowed to have three”
“You are allowed friends and family not
Prostitutes and takeaway deliveries

A FRUITFUL RELATIONSHIP

When I first dated my wife
Long ago in another life
I would get aroused watching her
Eating a banana
Now, thirty years later
It’s quite a different matter
I only get exited watching her
If she chokes on the banana

BIRTHDAY TREAT

When your wife asks,
Which of her friends,
You would choose from,
To attend
Your birthday treat
And participate
In a threesome,
You shouldn’t hesitate
But a word of caution
When she asks you
Just give her the one name
And not two

DOMESTIC TIP

How do you turn on the dishwasher?
My friend asked me
I replied that in my house
Blowing in her ear was the key

A Little Bit Of Humour # 6

ARE YOU WEARING A STICK ON TATTOO?

Are you wearing a stick on tattoo?
Is that really the best you could do?
What? You were too scared to get proper ink?
What will the rest of the chapter think?

ASK A STUPID QUESTION # 1

As I came out of the chippy
With two steak and kidney pies
Large chips and mushy peas,
An old wino, with sad eyes
Said “I haven’t eaten for two days”
Pausing I looked to the skies
Then I replied “I wish that I
Had will power like you guys”

KFC FAT CONTENT

An obese girl served me today
When I went in to KFC
She said “sorry about the wait.”
All smiley and friendly
I replied “don't worry dear,
You might lose it eventually”

WOMEN ARE NOT MOODY

Women are not moody
Not a bit of it
Its just they have days
When, lets face it
They are not prepared
To put up with the shit

COQ AU VAN

I tried cooking with wine last night
But it didn’t go very well therein
After five generous glasses
I forgot why I was in the kitchen

OK STEVE

He said “it’s Stephen with a PH”
Which I thought pedantic
But he wasn’t a fussy git at all
He was just very acidic

THE FIRE OFFICER’S INSPECTION

The fire officer did his inspection today
And he asked me “In the event of a fire,
Tell me what steps would you take?"
I replied "Bloody big ones" squire

I AM BLESSED WITH FRIENDS

I am blessed with friends
Some of them are fruity
Some are soaked in alcohol
Some of them are nutty
Some are sweet
Some add spice
Some add zest
Some smell nice
An abundance of riches
My friend’s numbers are Rife
And when mixed together
They are the fruit cake of life

BLEAK FORECAST

There was Snow in the forecast!
And the TV weather girl said
“I’m expecting 8 inches tonight”
I thought to myself, “what a big head”
And anyway with a face like that
She’d need her vibrator Instead

ARE YOU WEARING A LACE UP CORSET?

Are you wearing a lace up corset?
All whale bone and string
Oh Wow it looks really sexy
But how do I get into the thing?

KEY PLAN

I am always loosing my keys
So I have devised a plan
My husband is horrified
As the car might be stolen

But to my way of thinking
It’s the perfect solution
After all what could be simpler
Than leaving them in the ignition

GETTING INTO FLORA

"I want to buy flowers for my girlfriend"
John said to the Florist
"Of course Sir, what is it you're after?"
The florist asks to assist
After a moment John replied
"Well, a shag would be top of my list"

SPICE GIRL

It was the plan of my wife
To spice up our love life
This involved her dressing up
To encourage me to tup
Now I have to say I didn’t mind
Watching her bump and grind
But as she played her sexy role
She didn’t dance around a pole
Nor gyrate upon my lap
To encourage my old chap
But even with all the gyrating
My libido was still hesitating
In fact there wasn’t a glimmer
As she danced around her Zimmer

WIDOWERS RECOMPENSE

I am now a lonely widower
And all my buddies are dead
But there are compensations
That must definitely be said

There’s life in the old dog yet
That’s all I have to say,
As I go to the retirement home
For my fifty shades of grey

DEFROSTING THE FRIDGE

I spent two hours defrosting
The fridge yesterday
Although my darling wife
Prefers to call it foreplay