WHEN THE WIND IS IN THE EAST
When the wind is in the east,
Is the time I like the least
When the wind is in the east,
Then winter has been unleashed
WHEN MOTHER NATURE DONS
When Mother Nature dons
Her spring gown of splendour
She decorates with beauties
Normally reserved for heaven
And bestows upon the earth
Those perfect gifts from God
DAYS OUT ON THE WATER
Days out on the water
Windswept with rime
Watery sunshine above a
Putty coloured sea
As I sailed the estuary
With dad at the helm
WHEN THE WIND IS IN THE NORTH
When the wind is in the north,
It blows me back and forth
When the wind is in the north,
I stay indoors thenceforth
THE FIERCE AUTUMN GALES
The fierce autumn gales
Howl all through the night
Whipping up the seas
And turning wave tops white
The pour souls at sea
On the dark autumnal night
In the teeth of the tempest
Feel its savage bite
And pray to their gods
To save them from their plight
As the gale blows through
On the dark autumnal night
THE SKIES OF ENDLESS AZURE
The skies of endless azure
Stretch to the distant horizon
And in fond embrace they kiss
The iridescent blue ocean
WHEN THE WIND IS IN THE SOUTH
When the wind is in the south,
And the sun is in the sky
This is the time I like most well
And my spirits are very high
RICH TROPICAL SCENTS FILL THE AIR
Rich tropical scents fill the air
And are carried on the breeze
As the waters of the pacific
Lap at the sands of perfect white
THE SCENTED TROPICAL BREEZE
The scented tropical breeze
Blows offshore, gently
Carrying exotic fragrances
Of paradise out to sea
WHEN THE WIND IS IN THE WEST
When the wind is in the west,
Is the time I like the best
When the wind is in the west,
I know I can shed my vest
Sunday 19 August 2012
Variety
IN THE QUIET MOMENTS
In the quiet moments
I can’t remember my fathers face
I try and try but it escapes me
It seems to shift in my minds eye
Snippets of familiarity
Many facets blurring into one
Almost pixelated image
Until now I’ve never understood why
Its because in my memory
He had more than one face
There was the proud father face
The joyful Christmas morning face
The grumpy morning after face
The scolding face
The smiling face
The sad face
And for each of these faces
As we both grew older
There were age groups
He had to many faces to remember just one
So now when I want to see his face
I think of a situation and there he is
SHORT IN STATURE
Short in stature
Tall in stories
Short in grace
Long in charm
Slow in speech
Quick in boast
High in pride
Low in humility
Quick to brag
Slow in denial
Quick to arrive
Slow to leave
Slow to enamour
Quick to bore
Slow on the uptake
Quick out the door
PATRON SAINTS DAYS
St Patrick’s day
Is celebrated every where
“I’m Irish and I’m proud”
They loudly declare
The media never hesitate
To show the people celebrate
Endless Displays of flags and emblems
Accompany patriotic anthems
St Andrew’s day,
Wearing thistle bold,
Is marked with Scottish pride
By young and old
The media never hesitate
To show the people celebrate
Endless Displays of flags and emblems
Accompany patriotic anthems
St David’s day
Resplendent with daffodil
Is marked more soberly
Yet is celebrated still
The media never hesitate
To show the people celebrate
Endless Displays of flags and emblems
Accompany patriotic anthems
St George’s day
Comes and goes
When is it marked?
Nobody knows
The media never hesitate
To ignore attempts to celebrate
With no displays of flags and emblems
Accompanying un-played patriotic anthems
ST GEORGES DAY
Don’t bang the drum
Don’t raise a cheer
The liberals might hear
St George’s day
Must pass unnoticed
Uncelebrated
Unheeded
St George
Must remain
Unheralded
No fanfare
No flags unfurled
Lest we fall foul
Of patriotism
Or jingoism
There must be
No displays
Of Patriotic fervour
Or English pride
We must play it down
Let it pass
Lest we offend
After all this is England
LIKENED TO MY DAD
All my life, I’ve been
Likened to my Dad
A chip off the old block
Birds of a feather
Two sides of the same coin
And just the other day
I was asked
How are you different to your Dad?
I replied that I hoped
In as fewer ways as possible
In the quiet moments
I can’t remember my fathers face
I try and try but it escapes me
It seems to shift in my minds eye
Snippets of familiarity
Many facets blurring into one
Almost pixelated image
Until now I’ve never understood why
Its because in my memory
He had more than one face
There was the proud father face
The joyful Christmas morning face
The grumpy morning after face
The scolding face
The smiling face
The sad face
And for each of these faces
As we both grew older
There were age groups
He had to many faces to remember just one
So now when I want to see his face
I think of a situation and there he is
SHORT IN STATURE
Short in stature
Tall in stories
Short in grace
Long in charm
Slow in speech
Quick in boast
High in pride
Low in humility
Quick to brag
Slow in denial
Quick to arrive
Slow to leave
Slow to enamour
Quick to bore
Slow on the uptake
Quick out the door
PATRON SAINTS DAYS
St Patrick’s day
Is celebrated every where
“I’m Irish and I’m proud”
They loudly declare
The media never hesitate
To show the people celebrate
Endless Displays of flags and emblems
Accompany patriotic anthems
St Andrew’s day,
Wearing thistle bold,
Is marked with Scottish pride
By young and old
The media never hesitate
To show the people celebrate
Endless Displays of flags and emblems
Accompany patriotic anthems
St David’s day
Resplendent with daffodil
Is marked more soberly
Yet is celebrated still
The media never hesitate
To show the people celebrate
Endless Displays of flags and emblems
Accompany patriotic anthems
St George’s day
Comes and goes
When is it marked?
Nobody knows
The media never hesitate
To ignore attempts to celebrate
With no displays of flags and emblems
Accompanying un-played patriotic anthems
ST GEORGES DAY
Don’t bang the drum
Don’t raise a cheer
The liberals might hear
St George’s day
Must pass unnoticed
Uncelebrated
Unheeded
St George
Must remain
Unheralded
No fanfare
No flags unfurled
Lest we fall foul
Of patriotism
Or jingoism
There must be
No displays
Of Patriotic fervour
Or English pride
We must play it down
Let it pass
Lest we offend
After all this is England
LIKENED TO MY DAD
All my life, I’ve been
Likened to my Dad
A chip off the old block
Birds of a feather
Two sides of the same coin
And just the other day
I was asked
How are you different to your Dad?
I replied that I hoped
In as fewer ways as possible
Spiritual # 2
THE GOOD BOOK
The good book
A trusty tome
Full of comfort and succour
Hope and salvation
A reliable companion
A stalwart in adversity
A true bestseller
Sometimes contentious
Often misquoted
Frequently misused,
The devout and the atheist
Quote in equal measure
From its voluminous pages
They scour and pillage
Cherry picked passages
To support a particular stance
At times it can even satisfy
Both sides of the same argument
Inclusive and accessible to all
In the right hands
It illuminates and empowers
In the wrong hands
It divides and imposes
The bible in truth
Is full of ambiguities
And numerous contradictions
But most important of all
It contains essential truths
I DIDN’T SAY WHY ME?
When I was first diagnosed
I didn’t say why me?
I didn’t blame God
I didn’t curse him
Or hate him
Or ask the question
Why me Lord?
All my life
I have been blessed
And when good things
Happened in my life
I didn’t say “why me?”
I HAVE ALWAYS HAD FAITH
I have always had faith
An unaccountable
Unshakable faith
But only in God
My faith in him
Was a constant
The only constant
In an uncertain world
It was the Church
I had no truck with
My faith did not extend
To the institution
Of the Church
Or its instruments
Its rituals and
Mechanisms of control
I have no issue with
The Church family
Well meaning folk
One and all
Doing the great things
And the small with equal relish
They are just not for me
I chose to worship alone
Just me and my God
My Church was a quiet wood
My Cathedral a hill top
So to stand before the cross
In the old Chapel
Was a departure for me
A departure from the norm
But exceptional circumstances
Called for exceptional measures
It was an old place
An ancient place
A powerful place
A conduit to God
To amplify my faith
So I fell to my knees
In the ancient chapel
Humbling myself
Before my God
And I prayed
THE CHOIRS OF HEAVENLY HOSTS
The Choirs of Heavenly hosts
The angels, Archangels
Principalities and Authorities
The Virtues, Dominions,
Thrones or Orphanim
The Cherubim and Seraphim
The Holy Spirit
My lord Jesus Christ
And the Heavenly Father
Protect me all my days
The good book
A trusty tome
Full of comfort and succour
Hope and salvation
A reliable companion
A stalwart in adversity
A true bestseller
Sometimes contentious
Often misquoted
Frequently misused,
The devout and the atheist
Quote in equal measure
From its voluminous pages
They scour and pillage
Cherry picked passages
To support a particular stance
At times it can even satisfy
Both sides of the same argument
Inclusive and accessible to all
In the right hands
It illuminates and empowers
In the wrong hands
It divides and imposes
The bible in truth
Is full of ambiguities
And numerous contradictions
But most important of all
It contains essential truths
I DIDN’T SAY WHY ME?
When I was first diagnosed
I didn’t say why me?
I didn’t blame God
I didn’t curse him
Or hate him
Or ask the question
Why me Lord?
All my life
I have been blessed
And when good things
Happened in my life
I didn’t say “why me?”
I HAVE ALWAYS HAD FAITH
I have always had faith
An unaccountable
Unshakable faith
But only in God
My faith in him
Was a constant
The only constant
In an uncertain world
It was the Church
I had no truck with
My faith did not extend
To the institution
Of the Church
Or its instruments
Its rituals and
Mechanisms of control
I have no issue with
The Church family
Well meaning folk
One and all
Doing the great things
And the small with equal relish
They are just not for me
I chose to worship alone
Just me and my God
My Church was a quiet wood
My Cathedral a hill top
So to stand before the cross
In the old Chapel
Was a departure for me
A departure from the norm
But exceptional circumstances
Called for exceptional measures
It was an old place
An ancient place
A powerful place
A conduit to God
To amplify my faith
So I fell to my knees
In the ancient chapel
Humbling myself
Before my God
And I prayed
THE CHOIRS OF HEAVENLY HOSTS
The Choirs of Heavenly hosts
The angels, Archangels
Principalities and Authorities
The Virtues, Dominions,
Thrones or Orphanim
The Cherubim and Seraphim
The Holy Spirit
My lord Jesus Christ
And the Heavenly Father
Protect me all my days
The Love Selection # 10
WHEN THE SUMMER EVENING FALLS
When the summer evening falls
The melodic nightingale calls
This is also the lover’s time
And the perpetrators of crime
Then at the passing of the night
Lovers take cover criminals take flight
SILVER MOON ABOVE MOUNTAIN BLUE
Silver moon above mountain blue
Is there another looking at you?
Shooting star flashing across the sky
Is there another asking you why?
It is my love wishing on that star
I will find you wherever you are
I WANTED HER TO STAY IN MY ARMS
I wanted her
To stay in my arms
To be my girl for ever
But her feelings for me
Evaporated like mist
In the heat of the sun
Leaving only shadowy memories
Of passions passed
And i am alone
Unable to cry the tears
I just keep asking why
But in the hollow void
Of my empty heart
Only silence echo’s
SKIPPING STONES ACROSS THE BLUE
Skipping stones across the blue
Sharing holiday laughter and fun
When amidst the joyful splashing
It hit me like a bullet from a gun
Why was I playing childish games?
With a girl who was built to stun
So I looked at her and smiled
Took her hand and called her Hon
Then we walked barefoot in the surf
Holding hands beneath the sun
On a day neither of us would forget
When our first love had begun
IT HAPPENS AGAIN AND AGAIN # 2
It happens again and again
A simple smile and I dare to chance
That this might be the one
But alas no it’s a familiar dance
WHEN THE BURNING SUN SINKS LOW
When the burning sun sinks low
Setting the western sky aglow
And the evening shadows grow
This is the time of the amorous beau
When the summer evening falls
The melodic nightingale calls
This is also the lover’s time
And the perpetrators of crime
Then at the passing of the night
Lovers take cover criminals take flight
SILVER MOON ABOVE MOUNTAIN BLUE
Silver moon above mountain blue
Is there another looking at you?
Shooting star flashing across the sky
Is there another asking you why?
It is my love wishing on that star
I will find you wherever you are
I WANTED HER TO STAY IN MY ARMS
I wanted her
To stay in my arms
To be my girl for ever
But her feelings for me
Evaporated like mist
In the heat of the sun
Leaving only shadowy memories
Of passions passed
And i am alone
Unable to cry the tears
I just keep asking why
But in the hollow void
Of my empty heart
Only silence echo’s
SKIPPING STONES ACROSS THE BLUE
Skipping stones across the blue
Sharing holiday laughter and fun
When amidst the joyful splashing
It hit me like a bullet from a gun
Why was I playing childish games?
With a girl who was built to stun
So I looked at her and smiled
Took her hand and called her Hon
Then we walked barefoot in the surf
Holding hands beneath the sun
On a day neither of us would forget
When our first love had begun
IT HAPPENS AGAIN AND AGAIN # 2
It happens again and again
A simple smile and I dare to chance
That this might be the one
But alas no it’s a familiar dance
WHEN THE BURNING SUN SINKS LOW
When the burning sun sinks low
Setting the western sky aglow
And the evening shadows grow
This is the time of the amorous beau
Wednesday 8 August 2012
A Humourous Selection # 22
HOW OLD WAS YOUR HUSBAND?
“How old was your husband?”
Asked the undertaker
“He was “96,” she replied
“I’m two years older”
“Wow! So you’re 98
That’s amazing Mrs Boone”
Then he continued
“I will see you again quite soon”
ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT I SAID
On our wedding night
I said to my new wife
I’m going ruin you
I’ll suck the life
Out of your lovely tits
And shag your brains out
Fifty years later
I’d say that was a good shout
TWO MEN WERE TALKING IN A BAR
Two men were talking in a bar
One man asked the other one
“Do you ever look at your wife’s face?
When you’re giving her one”
“I did once and saw the anger in her face
It made me shrivel up down below”
“Why anger?” Asked the other man
“Because she was watching through the window”
MUM YOU HAVE TO HELP ME
“Mum, Mum you have to help me,
My husband Billy
He’s running around the house
Screaming hysterically
With blood dripping out of him
And I can see his brain”
“Ok don’t panic, take a deep breath
And then shoot him again”
A MAN AND WOMAN WERE TALKING
A man and woman were talking
When the man asked her a question
“You know men have many terms
For the act of male masturbation?
A hand shandy, choking the chicken
A knuckle shuffle, Jerking off
Beating the meat, having a tug
Bashing the bishop, Jacking off
Glopping or pulling the pudding
Knocking one out, having a wank
Performing an organ solo
Or giving the monkey a spank”
“Well that’s because men are pigs”
She replied in a disgusted scoff
So what do women call female masturbation
She replied, “Finishing off”
HI, I’M JOHN
“Hi, I’m John” the caller said
“Am I speaking with Donnie?”
He was a call center dude
The original foreign Johnny
ONE MONDAY MORNING TWO GUYS
One Monday morning two guys
Were talking in the coffee room
One had that Monday morning feeling
The other had no such gloom
“What are you so happy about?”
The misery asked his friend
“Well as a matter of fact I had
The most fantastic weekend”
“You know I live by the railway?
Well on my way home Friday night
I noticed a girl tied to the tracks
At first it gave me a bit of a fright”
“But I rescued the damsel in distress
Just like a Hollywood movie hero
And took her back to my place
Where one thing led to another you know”
“And we made love all weekend
In every position you can name
In every room, we did the lot
Then we did it all over again”
“That’s what I’m so happy about?”
“You lucky swine” his friend said
“Was she pretty, was she a looker”?
“I don’t know I never found her head”
I ASKED MY BROTHER WHY HE WAS SO FAT
I asked my brother why he was so fat
I think perhaps that was a mistake
Because he said, “every time I shag your wife
She gives me a slice of cake
THE MOMENT I ENTERED HER
The moment I entered her
I felt reasonable sure
I’d either just broken her hymen
Or she still had her tights on
THREE CHILDREN SLIDING ON THE ICE
Three children sliding on the ice
Fell on their bottoms once or twice
Three children sliding on the ice
How they enjoyed the slippery device
Until based on health and safety advice
The caretaker ruined it in a trice
WHEN THE CHILDREN WERE YOUNG
When the children were young
They just gave me a headache
Now that they’re older
They are more of a heartache
GIVE A MAN A FISH
Give a man a fish
And you’ll feed him for a day
Teach him to use the Net
And he’ll order a takeaway
“How old was your husband?”
Asked the undertaker
“He was “96,” she replied
“I’m two years older”
“Wow! So you’re 98
That’s amazing Mrs Boone”
Then he continued
“I will see you again quite soon”
ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT I SAID
On our wedding night
I said to my new wife
I’m going ruin you
I’ll suck the life
Out of your lovely tits
And shag your brains out
Fifty years later
I’d say that was a good shout
TWO MEN WERE TALKING IN A BAR
Two men were talking in a bar
One man asked the other one
“Do you ever look at your wife’s face?
When you’re giving her one”
“I did once and saw the anger in her face
It made me shrivel up down below”
“Why anger?” Asked the other man
“Because she was watching through the window”
MUM YOU HAVE TO HELP ME
“Mum, Mum you have to help me,
My husband Billy
He’s running around the house
Screaming hysterically
With blood dripping out of him
And I can see his brain”
“Ok don’t panic, take a deep breath
And then shoot him again”
A MAN AND WOMAN WERE TALKING
A man and woman were talking
When the man asked her a question
“You know men have many terms
For the act of male masturbation?
A hand shandy, choking the chicken
A knuckle shuffle, Jerking off
Beating the meat, having a tug
Bashing the bishop, Jacking off
Glopping or pulling the pudding
Knocking one out, having a wank
Performing an organ solo
Or giving the monkey a spank”
“Well that’s because men are pigs”
She replied in a disgusted scoff
So what do women call female masturbation
She replied, “Finishing off”
HI, I’M JOHN
“Hi, I’m John” the caller said
“Am I speaking with Donnie?”
He was a call center dude
The original foreign Johnny
ONE MONDAY MORNING TWO GUYS
One Monday morning two guys
Were talking in the coffee room
One had that Monday morning feeling
The other had no such gloom
“What are you so happy about?”
The misery asked his friend
“Well as a matter of fact I had
The most fantastic weekend”
“You know I live by the railway?
Well on my way home Friday night
I noticed a girl tied to the tracks
At first it gave me a bit of a fright”
“But I rescued the damsel in distress
Just like a Hollywood movie hero
And took her back to my place
Where one thing led to another you know”
“And we made love all weekend
In every position you can name
In every room, we did the lot
Then we did it all over again”
“That’s what I’m so happy about?”
“You lucky swine” his friend said
“Was she pretty, was she a looker”?
“I don’t know I never found her head”
I ASKED MY BROTHER WHY HE WAS SO FAT
I asked my brother why he was so fat
I think perhaps that was a mistake
Because he said, “every time I shag your wife
She gives me a slice of cake
THE MOMENT I ENTERED HER
The moment I entered her
I felt reasonable sure
I’d either just broken her hymen
Or she still had her tights on
THREE CHILDREN SLIDING ON THE ICE
Three children sliding on the ice
Fell on their bottoms once or twice
Three children sliding on the ice
How they enjoyed the slippery device
Until based on health and safety advice
The caretaker ruined it in a trice
WHEN THE CHILDREN WERE YOUNG
When the children were young
They just gave me a headache
Now that they’re older
They are more of a heartache
GIVE A MAN A FISH
Give a man a fish
And you’ll feed him for a day
Teach him to use the Net
And he’ll order a takeaway
A Humourous Selection # 21
SCRATCH GOLFER
I am a scratch golfer
And what that means my lad
Is I write down all my good scores
And scratch out the bad
POLISH EYE TEST
A Polish man went to the optician
He’d not had an eye test before
The optician pointed and said
"Can you read the card on the door?"
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied
“That’s the name of my brother in law”
I WAS ASKED THE OTHER DAY
I was asked the other day
If i knew of a divine ruler
I said no but I did have
A rather sweet tape measure
NEWS FLASH
News flash:
Wrinkles don't hurt.
That’s the buzz
It’s knowing that
You have them
That does
OCTOGENARIAN CUDDLE
Eighty-year-old Ada
Said to husband Hugh
Cuddle up to me
Like you used to do
So he did and she said
“That’s lovely dear”
Then she said to him
“Now nibble my ear”
And he got out of bed
"Where are you goin’?"
She asked her husband
"To put me teeth back in!"
ON THE TITANIC
The most popular drink on the Titanic
Was not served with a lemon slice
Nor with an olive or a soda splash
It was simply served with lots of ice
ON THE CONCORDIA
The most popular drink on the Concordia
As it was approaching the docks
You might be surprised to know
Was served on the rocks
THERE’S LIFE IN THIS OLD DOG YET
There’s life in this old dog yet
I don’t even think about my age
Once a week me and my friends
Go out and paint the town beige
GREAT DEPRESSION
I have been diagnosed with depression
But I won’t let it beat me
I have been on the Internet
And I’ve found the treatment for me
It’s the 18 step plan
And I start on the first tee
YEARS AGO I BOUGHT A CAR
Years ago I bought a car
Second hand, not new
It was a Chrysler Alpine
In Metallic electric blue
Top of the line
With head light washer wipers
Velour upholstery
All round Electric winders
It was a lovely thing
Oozing aesthetic beauty
So naturally I coughed up
All of my hard earned booty
That was when I found out
I’d dropped a clanger
My lovely luxury car
Was in fact an old banger
It should have taught me
A lesson about life
But I made the same mistake
When I married my wife
I am a scratch golfer
And what that means my lad
Is I write down all my good scores
And scratch out the bad
POLISH EYE TEST
A Polish man went to the optician
He’d not had an eye test before
The optician pointed and said
"Can you read the card on the door?"
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied
“That’s the name of my brother in law”
I WAS ASKED THE OTHER DAY
I was asked the other day
If i knew of a divine ruler
I said no but I did have
A rather sweet tape measure
NEWS FLASH
News flash:
Wrinkles don't hurt.
That’s the buzz
It’s knowing that
You have them
That does
OCTOGENARIAN CUDDLE
Eighty-year-old Ada
Said to husband Hugh
Cuddle up to me
Like you used to do
So he did and she said
“That’s lovely dear”
Then she said to him
“Now nibble my ear”
And he got out of bed
"Where are you goin’?"
She asked her husband
"To put me teeth back in!"
ON THE TITANIC
The most popular drink on the Titanic
Was not served with a lemon slice
Nor with an olive or a soda splash
It was simply served with lots of ice
ON THE CONCORDIA
The most popular drink on the Concordia
As it was approaching the docks
You might be surprised to know
Was served on the rocks
THERE’S LIFE IN THIS OLD DOG YET
There’s life in this old dog yet
I don’t even think about my age
Once a week me and my friends
Go out and paint the town beige
GREAT DEPRESSION
I have been diagnosed with depression
But I won’t let it beat me
I have been on the Internet
And I’ve found the treatment for me
It’s the 18 step plan
And I start on the first tee
YEARS AGO I BOUGHT A CAR
Years ago I bought a car
Second hand, not new
It was a Chrysler Alpine
In Metallic electric blue
Top of the line
With head light washer wipers
Velour upholstery
All round Electric winders
It was a lovely thing
Oozing aesthetic beauty
So naturally I coughed up
All of my hard earned booty
That was when I found out
I’d dropped a clanger
My lovely luxury car
Was in fact an old banger
It should have taught me
A lesson about life
But I made the same mistake
When I married my wife
A Humourous Selection # 20
CALL CENTER MODE EVEN MORE
One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her
"Hello how can I help you?"
Said the tech support guy
“I’m trying to write my first email”
Was Bimbettes reply
“Ok?” Said the tech support guy
“Well, I have the 'a' in the address ok
But I can’t get the circle around it
And I’ve been trying all day”
WHEN YOU’VE FOUND YOUR PERFECT OTHER
When you’ve found your perfect other
Don’t allow yourself to be hesitative
And don’t judge the woman you love
By the disposition of her relatives
WHEN YOU ARE DROWNING
When you are drowning
In a sea of despair
Swamped by poverty
Weighted down by apathy
No one is going to pull you out
Unless you reach up a hand
SHE IS BEAUTIFUL WITHOUT DOUBT
She is beautiful without doubt
But the one thing I cannot tell
Is whether she has more sense
Than just her sense of smell
COME AND FEEL SOMETHING SURPRISING
Come and feel something surprising
Its throbbing fit to burst
Well I did mean feel my pulse
But we can certainly start there first
YOU’RE NO LONGER ABLE TO BRAG
You’re no longer able to brag
About being a lean piece of scrag
Now your looks have started to flag
And your bits have started to sag
Now your arse has started to drag
You’ve turned into an old bag
GIVE ME A RIGOROUS EXAM
Give me a rigorous exam
Oh won’t you please nurse Pam
You can be a rough Madam
Poke me and prod me, then wham
You can take me as I am
Or you can cover me in jam
I don’t give a damn
As long as I get nurse Pam
I WAS DRIVING ALONG THE DUAL CARRIAGEWAY
I was driving along the dual carriageway
When my boss phoned me
And told me I was being promoted
It came out of the blue and surprised me
It came as such a shock
That I swerved the car quite violently
A little further along the dual carriageway
And my boss phoned me again
And told me along with the promotion
Came a very nice financial gain
It came as such a shock
That I swerved the car violently again
A little further along the dual carriageway
And my boss phoned to tell me
And told me along with the promotion
Came the executive washroom key
It came as such a shock
That I again swerved the car violently
My boss phoned further down the carriageway
And I answered in hands free mode
And told me along with the promotion
I was to receive the penthouse code
It came as such a shock
I swerved and careered off the road
DRUNK DRIVING
He was driving home,
Shit faced drunk
Pissed as a cricket
Drunk as a skunk
Suddenly he swerved
To avoid a tree,
Then another, then another.
Then another tree
The police stopped him
For driving erratically
“Having a little trouble”?
The cop asked sarcastically
The drunk told the cop
About the trees everywhere
The cop just pointed
To the air freshener hanging there
LAZARUS PILL # 2
I have pills to slow me down
And more to perk me up
I have one that helps me sleep
And one that helps me tup
One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her
"Hello how can I help you?"
Said the tech support guy
“I’m trying to write my first email”
Was Bimbettes reply
“Ok?” Said the tech support guy
“Well, I have the 'a' in the address ok
But I can’t get the circle around it
And I’ve been trying all day”
WHEN YOU’VE FOUND YOUR PERFECT OTHER
When you’ve found your perfect other
Don’t allow yourself to be hesitative
And don’t judge the woman you love
By the disposition of her relatives
WHEN YOU ARE DROWNING
When you are drowning
In a sea of despair
Swamped by poverty
Weighted down by apathy
No one is going to pull you out
Unless you reach up a hand
SHE IS BEAUTIFUL WITHOUT DOUBT
She is beautiful without doubt
But the one thing I cannot tell
Is whether she has more sense
Than just her sense of smell
COME AND FEEL SOMETHING SURPRISING
Come and feel something surprising
Its throbbing fit to burst
Well I did mean feel my pulse
But we can certainly start there first
YOU’RE NO LONGER ABLE TO BRAG
You’re no longer able to brag
About being a lean piece of scrag
Now your looks have started to flag
And your bits have started to sag
Now your arse has started to drag
You’ve turned into an old bag
GIVE ME A RIGOROUS EXAM
Give me a rigorous exam
Oh won’t you please nurse Pam
You can be a rough Madam
Poke me and prod me, then wham
You can take me as I am
Or you can cover me in jam
I don’t give a damn
As long as I get nurse Pam
I WAS DRIVING ALONG THE DUAL CARRIAGEWAY
I was driving along the dual carriageway
When my boss phoned me
And told me I was being promoted
It came out of the blue and surprised me
It came as such a shock
That I swerved the car quite violently
A little further along the dual carriageway
And my boss phoned me again
And told me along with the promotion
Came a very nice financial gain
It came as such a shock
That I swerved the car violently again
A little further along the dual carriageway
And my boss phoned to tell me
And told me along with the promotion
Came the executive washroom key
It came as such a shock
That I again swerved the car violently
My boss phoned further down the carriageway
And I answered in hands free mode
And told me along with the promotion
I was to receive the penthouse code
It came as such a shock
I swerved and careered off the road
DRUNK DRIVING
He was driving home,
Shit faced drunk
Pissed as a cricket
Drunk as a skunk
Suddenly he swerved
To avoid a tree,
Then another, then another.
Then another tree
The police stopped him
For driving erratically
“Having a little trouble”?
The cop asked sarcastically
The drunk told the cop
About the trees everywhere
The cop just pointed
To the air freshener hanging there
LAZARUS PILL # 2
I have pills to slow me down
And more to perk me up
I have one that helps me sleep
And one that helps me tup
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