SCRATCH GOLFER
I am a scratch golfer
And what that means my lad
Is I write down all my good scores
And scratch out the bad
POLISH EYE TEST
A Polish man went to the optician
He’d not had an eye test before
The optician pointed and said
"Can you read the card on the door?"
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied
“That’s the name of my brother in law”
I WAS ASKED THE OTHER DAY
I was asked the other day
If i knew of a divine ruler
I said no but I did have
A rather sweet tape measure
NEWS FLASH
News flash:
Wrinkles don't hurt.
That’s the buzz
It’s knowing that
You have them
That does
OCTOGENARIAN CUDDLE
Eighty-year-old Ada
Said to husband Hugh
Cuddle up to me
Like you used to do
So he did and she said
“That’s lovely dear”
Then she said to him
“Now nibble my ear”
And he got out of bed
"Where are you goin’?"
She asked her husband
"To put me teeth back in!"
ON THE TITANIC
The most popular drink on the Titanic
Was not served with a lemon slice
Nor with an olive or a soda splash
It was simply served with lots of ice
ON THE CONCORDIA
The most popular drink on the Concordia
As it was approaching the docks
You might be surprised to know
Was served on the rocks
THERE’S LIFE IN THIS OLD DOG YET
There’s life in this old dog yet
I don’t even think about my age
Once a week me and my friends
Go out and paint the town beige
GREAT DEPRESSION
I have been diagnosed with depression
But I won’t let it beat me
I have been on the Internet
And I’ve found the treatment for me
It’s the 18 step plan
And I start on the first tee
YEARS AGO I BOUGHT A CAR
Years ago I bought a car
Second hand, not new
It was a Chrysler Alpine
In Metallic electric blue
Top of the line
With head light washer wipers
Velour upholstery
All round Electric winders
It was a lovely thing
Oozing aesthetic beauty
So naturally I coughed up
All of my hard earned booty
That was when I found out
I’d dropped a clanger
My lovely luxury car
Was in fact an old banger
It should have taught me
A lesson about life
But I made the same mistake
When I married my wife
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