A Humourous Selection # 22

HOW OLD WAS YOUR HUSBAND?

“How old was your husband?”
Asked the undertaker
“He was “96,” she replied
“I’m two years older”

“Wow! So you’re 98
That’s amazing Mrs Boone”
Then he continued
“I will see you again quite soon”

ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT I SAID

On our wedding night
I said to my new wife
I’m going ruin you
I’ll suck the life
Out of your lovely tits
And shag your brains out
Fifty years later
I’d say that was a good shout

TWO MEN WERE TALKING IN A BAR

Two men were talking in a bar
One man asked the other one
“Do you ever look at your wife’s face?
When you’re giving her one”

“I did once and saw the anger in her face
It made me shrivel up down below”
“Why anger?” Asked the other man
“Because she was watching through the window”

MUM YOU HAVE TO HELP ME

“Mum, Mum you have to help me,
My husband Billy
He’s running around the house
Screaming hysterically
With blood dripping out of him
And I can see his brain”
“Ok don’t panic, take a deep breath
And then shoot him again”

A MAN AND WOMAN WERE TALKING

A man and woman were talking
When the man asked her a question
“You know men have many terms
For the act of male masturbation?
A hand shandy, choking the chicken
A knuckle shuffle, Jerking off
Beating the meat, having a tug
Bashing the bishop, Jacking off
Glopping or pulling the pudding
Knocking one out, having a wank
Performing an organ solo
Or giving the monkey a spank”
“Well that’s because men are pigs”
She replied in a disgusted scoff
So what do women call female masturbation
She replied, “Finishing off”

HI, I’M JOHN

“Hi, I’m John” the caller said
“Am I speaking with Donnie?”
He was a call center dude
The original foreign Johnny

ONE MONDAY MORNING TWO GUYS

One Monday morning two guys
Were talking in the coffee room
One had that Monday morning feeling
The other had no such gloom

“What are you so happy about?”
The misery asked his friend
“Well as a matter of fact I had
The most fantastic weekend”

“You know I live by the railway?
Well on my way home Friday night
I noticed a girl tied to the tracks
At first it gave me a bit of a fright”

“But I rescued the damsel in distress
Just like a Hollywood movie hero
And took her back to my place
Where one thing led to another you know”

“And we made love all weekend
In every position you can name
In every room, we did the lot
Then we did it all over again”

“That’s what I’m so happy about?”
“You lucky swine” his friend said
“Was she pretty, was she a looker”?
“I don’t know I never found her head”

I ASKED MY BROTHER WHY HE WAS SO FAT

I asked my brother why he was so fat
I think perhaps that was a mistake
Because he said, “every time I shag your wife
She gives me a slice of cake

THE MOMENT I ENTERED HER

The moment I entered her
I felt reasonable sure
I’d either just broken her hymen
Or she still had her tights on

THREE CHILDREN SLIDING ON THE ICE

Three children sliding on the ice
Fell on their bottoms once or twice
Three children sliding on the ice
How they enjoyed the slippery device
Until based on health and safety advice
The caretaker ruined it in a trice

WHEN THE CHILDREN WERE YOUNG

When the children were young
They just gave me a headache
Now that they’re older
They are more of a heartache

GIVE A MAN A FISH

Give a man a fish
And you’ll feed him for a day
Teach him to use the Net
And he’ll order a takeaway