SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 1
I have a favourite type of girl,
I love my ladies trim
Like Skinny Ginny
And Ultra slim Kim
I love them thin and bony
Not a hint of saggy
I like Scrawny Dawny
And Scraggy Maggie
Lovely Lean Jean
Or Slender Brenda
For the nearer the bone
Is sweetest and tender
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 2
I have a favourite type of girl,
Nothing wrong with that
I love my ladies ample
Like beautiful Fat pat
Also Porkus Dorcas
And Obese Louise,
Glandular Angela
Gives me a good squeeze
I love voluminous
I love them rounder
I love them full bodied
Because rounder is sounder
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 3
I don’t have a favourite,
I love them all
Shorty and sporty
Petite and tall
Dowdy and flashy
High and mighty
Shy and vivacious
Safe and flighty
I love Juicy Lucy
Smelly Kelly,
Scraggy Maggie
And Silly Millie
I love Gay Mei
And Straight Kate
Spotty Dotty
And Plain Jane’s great
So is Jolly Molly
Clingy thingy
Obese Louise
And Skinny Ginny
I love Boozey Suzie
Sweaty Betty and all
I love them long,
I love them short, I love them tall
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 4
I have a favourite type of girl,
But it’s not like I am facile
Nothing wrong with preferences
I just like my girls to be gracile
Sinuous and willowy
I don’t look for a pretty face
But they should have about them
Some elegance and grace
It takes the like of Nimble Kimble
Or the lovely Lithe Blythe
The aptly named Bendy Wendy
Or Lissom Blossom to feast my eyes
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 5
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Prayer Claire
And Lazy Daisy
Gaudy Maudie
And Crazy Maisy
I love Blue Sue
And Classy Darcy
Timid Ingrid
And Brassy Marcie
I love Shy Di
And Sullen Ellen
Beige Paige
And Barren Karen
I love Chipper Pippa
And Hairy Mary
All of them from homely
Too a little bit scary
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 6
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Grim Kim
And Moanie Toni
Henpecky Becky
And Naggy Maggie
I love Bella Stella
And Indie Lindy
Funny Honey
And Windy Cindy
I love Tarty Marti
And Burley Shirley
The Felon Helen
And that twirly girlie
I love Flabby Gabby
And Escapee Lee
Chardonnay Kay
And Meat free Fi
I love Prudy Judy
And Racy Macy
Pristine Christine
And Straight Lacy Tracy
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 7
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Neater Rita
And Nosy Rosie
Beggy Peggy
And Dozy Posy
I love Tatty Patty
And Singular Ingela
Tipsy Bitzi
And Glandular Angela
I love Naïve Neve
And Teaser Louisa
Taller Paula
And “Was a Geezer” Lisa
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 8
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Dirty Gerty
And Randy Mandy
Stern Fern
And Bandy Sandie
I love Bored Maud
And Doughy Zoë
Glam Sam
And Showy Chloe
I love Choice Joyce
And Petty Lettie
Frigid Ingrid
And Sweaty Betty
I love Intense Hortense
And Hot Dot
Any one of them
Will hit the spot
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 9
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Pally Sally
And Meaner Tina
Cranky Frankie
And Keener Meena
I love Messy Jesse
And Smiley Kylie
Tiara Clara
And Tidy Heidi
I love Buffy Duffy
And Flexi Alexie
Moanie Joanie
And Sexy Lexie
I love Irate Kate
And Funny Honey
Every one of them
Is on the money
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 10
I don’t have a favourite,
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Totty Lottie
And Clammy Tammy
Fit Britt
And Whammy Pammy
I love Trixie Pixie
And Peculiar Julia
Able Sable
And Nuclear Petunia
I love Bossy Flossie
And Parley Carli
Silky Elkie
And Gnarly Charlie
I love Fond bond
And Nambi Bambi
Any one of them
Does it for me
Monday 11 April 2011
Friday 1 April 2011
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 171 to 201
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES
# 171
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And killed the man from the income tax
When she saw what she had done,
She went off to kill another one
# 172
Mary had a little horse
She rode bareback on her pony
But the little horse threw her off
Because her arse was bony
# 174
Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,
He was joined by his mate, they looked so twee
They sang their little songs quite lustily
Then I threw a shoe at them you see
Because I didn’t get to bed till half past three
# 175
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
To get a bone for her Poodle
When she came there,
The cupboard was bare,
Apart from an expired pot noodle
# 176
Lizzie Borden took a chopper
To use on her mother to top her
And the reason for the act you see
Was she made Lizzie eat her broccoli
# 177
Mary had a girl friend
Who dressed just like a man
And they spent their evenings
As only special girlfriends can
# 179
Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,
Then joined by his mate they looked so twee
So I shot them for being too damned happy
# 180
"Oranges and Lemons"
Say the Bells of St. Clements
“Shut the fuck up”
Say the Bells of 14 King William Street
# 181
Mary wore a little skirt
And she liked to go commando
And everyone from roundabout
Could see her down below
# 183
"Who killed Cock Robin?"
"I," said the Sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow,
I killed Cock Robin."
“You’re nicked then son”
Said Inspector Bird
From Scotland Yard
# 184
Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
How I hate runny noses
"A tissue! A tissue!"
Then throw it in the bin!
# 185
The big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh
The ally-ally-oh, the ally-ally-oh
Oh, the big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh
Just off the coast of Somalia
# 186
A wise old owl
Lived in an oak
He kept to himself
And he seldom spoke
Now that’s what you want in a neighbour
# 187
Mary liked to sunbathe nude
She found it quite relaxing
But if anyone could see her
They would say she needed waxing
# 188
I had a little pony,
They called him Dapple-grey.
I gave him to my brother,
But he gave it away.
# 189
I had a little nut tree,
Nothing would it bear
- So I chopped it down
# 190
A wise old owl lived in an oak
He kept to himself and he seldom spoke
And I think that’s rather anti social
# 192
I had a little pony,
They called him Bonny Blue.
I sold him to a man,
Who turned him into glue.
# 193
Mary was a little tart
All the girls called her a ho
Because everyman in town
Had seen her down below
MES # 194
Three little kittens
They lost their mittens,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear,
We sadly fear
That we have lost our mittens."
"What! Lost your mittens,
You silly kittens!
Don’t worry we’ll get some more from Primark
# 195
A swarm of bees in May
Is worth a load of hay;
A swarm of bees in June
Is worth a silver spoon;
A swarm of bees in July
And they will surely die
Because between me and you
They would spoil the BBQ
# 196
Cuckoo, cuckoo, what do you do?
Not much at all really
I’m a bit of a parasite
I turn up when things are on the up
I let others raise my young
Then I go home when the food runs out
I’m the avian equivalent
Of an economic migrant
# 197
I saw a ship a-sailing,
A-sailing on the sea.
And, oh, but it was laden
With pretty things for thee
There were comfits in the cabin,
And apples in the hold;
But the ship was taken
By Somali pirates bold
# 198
Handy spandy Jack-a-dandy
Loves plum cake and sugar candy,
He bought some at the grocers shop
Because of the sugar rush he can’t stop
# 199
In the merry month of May
When green leaves begin to spring,
Little lambs do skip like fairies
And lovers do couple, to do their thing
# 200
Little Betty Blue
Lost her holiday shoe:
What can little Betty do?
Don’t tell her mother
She’s been doing the other
And she’s lost more than her shoe
# 201
Three little kitties
They lost their skimpies,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear,
We sadly fear
That we have lost our skimpies."
"What! Lost your skimpies,
You silly kitties!
That’s the third time this month
# 171
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And killed the man from the income tax
When she saw what she had done,
She went off to kill another one
# 172
Mary had a little horse
She rode bareback on her pony
But the little horse threw her off
Because her arse was bony
# 174
Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,
He was joined by his mate, they looked so twee
They sang their little songs quite lustily
Then I threw a shoe at them you see
Because I didn’t get to bed till half past three
# 175
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
To get a bone for her Poodle
When she came there,
The cupboard was bare,
Apart from an expired pot noodle
# 176
Lizzie Borden took a chopper
To use on her mother to top her
And the reason for the act you see
Was she made Lizzie eat her broccoli
# 177
Mary had a girl friend
Who dressed just like a man
And they spent their evenings
As only special girlfriends can
# 179
Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,
Then joined by his mate they looked so twee
So I shot them for being too damned happy
# 180
"Oranges and Lemons"
Say the Bells of St. Clements
“Shut the fuck up”
Say the Bells of 14 King William Street
# 181
Mary wore a little skirt
And she liked to go commando
And everyone from roundabout
Could see her down below
# 183
"Who killed Cock Robin?"
"I," said the Sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow,
I killed Cock Robin."
“You’re nicked then son”
Said Inspector Bird
From Scotland Yard
# 184
Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
How I hate runny noses
"A tissue! A tissue!"
Then throw it in the bin!
# 185
The big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh
The ally-ally-oh, the ally-ally-oh
Oh, the big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh
Just off the coast of Somalia
# 186
A wise old owl
Lived in an oak
He kept to himself
And he seldom spoke
Now that’s what you want in a neighbour
# 187
Mary liked to sunbathe nude
She found it quite relaxing
But if anyone could see her
They would say she needed waxing
# 188
I had a little pony,
They called him Dapple-grey.
I gave him to my brother,
But he gave it away.
# 189
I had a little nut tree,
Nothing would it bear
- So I chopped it down
# 190
A wise old owl lived in an oak
He kept to himself and he seldom spoke
And I think that’s rather anti social
# 192
I had a little pony,
They called him Bonny Blue.
I sold him to a man,
Who turned him into glue.
# 193
Mary was a little tart
All the girls called her a ho
Because everyman in town
Had seen her down below
MES # 194
Three little kittens
They lost their mittens,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear,
We sadly fear
That we have lost our mittens."
"What! Lost your mittens,
You silly kittens!
Don’t worry we’ll get some more from Primark
# 195
A swarm of bees in May
Is worth a load of hay;
A swarm of bees in June
Is worth a silver spoon;
A swarm of bees in July
And they will surely die
Because between me and you
They would spoil the BBQ
# 196
Cuckoo, cuckoo, what do you do?
Not much at all really
I’m a bit of a parasite
I turn up when things are on the up
I let others raise my young
Then I go home when the food runs out
I’m the avian equivalent
Of an economic migrant
# 197
I saw a ship a-sailing,
A-sailing on the sea.
And, oh, but it was laden
With pretty things for thee
There were comfits in the cabin,
And apples in the hold;
But the ship was taken
By Somali pirates bold
# 198
Handy spandy Jack-a-dandy
Loves plum cake and sugar candy,
He bought some at the grocers shop
Because of the sugar rush he can’t stop
# 199
In the merry month of May
When green leaves begin to spring,
Little lambs do skip like fairies
And lovers do couple, to do their thing
# 200
Little Betty Blue
Lost her holiday shoe:
What can little Betty do?
Don’t tell her mother
She’s been doing the other
And she’s lost more than her shoe
# 201
Three little kitties
They lost their skimpies,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear,
We sadly fear
That we have lost our skimpies."
"What! Lost your skimpies,
You silly kitties!
That’s the third time this month
Friday 18 March 2011
THAT’S A RELIEF
I was arrested in my local paper shop today
And taken to the nearest station without delay
I had masturbated over a copy of the Beano
But as it was for Comic Relief the police let me go
And taken to the nearest station without delay
I had masturbated over a copy of the Beano
But as it was for Comic Relief the police let me go
Tuesday 1 March 2011
LEG MAN
It begins with a cursory glance
Long before the beguiling smile
Or the girlish giggle,
Or the flick of the head
That makes her hair dance
Somewhere between the appraisal of a shapely leg
And the curiosity of what lay hidden
And you are smitten
And while your defences are down
It tiptoes into your heart almost unnoticed
It whispers into your brain.
And touches your soul
Then you are in love
And lost to reason
All for the glance of a shapely leg
Long before the beguiling smile
Or the girlish giggle,
Or the flick of the head
That makes her hair dance
Somewhere between the appraisal of a shapely leg
And the curiosity of what lay hidden
And you are smitten
And while your defences are down
It tiptoes into your heart almost unnoticed
It whispers into your brain.
And touches your soul
Then you are in love
And lost to reason
All for the glance of a shapely leg
WAS IT DESTINY?
Was it destiny?
Or an act of providence
That wove the threads
On the eternal tapestry
What twist of fate?
What unseen hand
Rolled the fateful die
That moved us on our paths
What unseen gamer
Steered my avatar to yours
For what reason
Did the fates conspire?
To cross our paths
To bind our souls
What great celestial clock
Struck time
And brought us both to this place
To this time
To each other
Who must we thank?
Or an act of providence
That wove the threads
On the eternal tapestry
What twist of fate?
What unseen hand
Rolled the fateful die
That moved us on our paths
What unseen gamer
Steered my avatar to yours
For what reason
Did the fates conspire?
To cross our paths
To bind our souls
What great celestial clock
Struck time
And brought us both to this place
To this time
To each other
Who must we thank?
BLACKBERRY CAT, RIP
BLACKBERRY CAT, RIP
BLACKBERRY 07/09/1991 to 04/11/2010
No more will I hear
Your most contented purr
That made you dribble on your fur
No more will I be greeted at the door
By your hello meow
No more will you pirouette around my feet
And perform your excited meal time dance
No more will you curl up on my lap
While I watch TV
No more will you curl up on the bed
When I go to sleep
Never again will I wake up
To hear your morning purr
For you have no more mornings
While you sleep your eternal sleep
You were more than a cat
You were a welcoming friend
A quiet companion
You were a constant
And I will miss you Blackberry
BLACKBERRY 07/09/1991 to 04/11/2010
No more will I hear
Your most contented purr
That made you dribble on your fur
No more will I be greeted at the door
By your hello meow
No more will you pirouette around my feet
And perform your excited meal time dance
No more will you curl up on my lap
While I watch TV
No more will you curl up on the bed
When I go to sleep
Never again will I wake up
To hear your morning purr
For you have no more mornings
While you sleep your eternal sleep
You were more than a cat
You were a welcoming friend
A quiet companion
You were a constant
And I will miss you Blackberry
ANY OLD PORT IN A STORM
I was stranded and lonely with time to kill
And I was looking for someone to cure my ill
They told me about the only available “miss”
Who went by the unkind name of ugly Agnes
“Left on the shelf, plain as a pike as a staff”
“Facing the wall” he said followed by a laugh
I figured she’d be better than nothing at all
The girl left on the shelf, facing the wall
They gave me some direction to follow
Where I crept to and peeked in the window
I spied her in the candle lights flicker
Legs akimbo showing a glimpse of knicker
This old maid, who’d been left on the shelf
Was sat home alone pleasuring herself
There was nothing homely about this old maid
As she caressed herself and erotically played
And as I watched her deft self seduction
I was anxious to make my introduction
Outside I banged hard on the front door
Inside I banged her hard on the floor
But the savage and primeval union
Led to a more tender sensual communion
What had begun as “any old port in a storm”
Ended with me proud to stay till the dawn
Now I often get stranded with time to kill
And I know where to go to cure my ill
The local call her Ugly Agnes or Plain Jane
But I go to love her again and again
And I was looking for someone to cure my ill
They told me about the only available “miss”
Who went by the unkind name of ugly Agnes
“Left on the shelf, plain as a pike as a staff”
“Facing the wall” he said followed by a laugh
I figured she’d be better than nothing at all
The girl left on the shelf, facing the wall
They gave me some direction to follow
Where I crept to and peeked in the window
I spied her in the candle lights flicker
Legs akimbo showing a glimpse of knicker
This old maid, who’d been left on the shelf
Was sat home alone pleasuring herself
There was nothing homely about this old maid
As she caressed herself and erotically played
And as I watched her deft self seduction
I was anxious to make my introduction
Outside I banged hard on the front door
Inside I banged her hard on the floor
But the savage and primeval union
Led to a more tender sensual communion
What had begun as “any old port in a storm”
Ended with me proud to stay till the dawn
Now I often get stranded with time to kill
And I know where to go to cure my ill
The local call her Ugly Agnes or Plain Jane
But I go to love her again and again
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