MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 7
My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says my first driving license
Was written on a scroll
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 380
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And at the summit
Jack does Jill
I HAVE OFTEN WANTED TO ASK THE QUESTION
I have often wanted to ask the question
Which has always gone unspoken
Why, when my wife gets ready, does she
Put on mascara with her mouth open
WHEN I CHECKED LABELS AT THE SUPERMARKET
When I checked labels at the supermarket
I had to point out the irony to my wife Helen
As to why lemon juice had artificial flavouring
And washing up liquid is made with real lemons
I AM NOT A GERMAPHOBE
I am not a Germaphobe, but cleanliness
Is something to which I have no objections
But it seems pointless, to sterilise needles
That are to be used for lethal injections
A PENNY’S WORTH
Apparently “to put your two pennies worth in”
Means that you took your chance to speak
But you only get a “penny for your thoughts”
Which I have always thought a bit of a cheek
I don’t understand the disparity in the values
Why is it cheaper to think than it is to speak?
I TRAVEL ON THE TRAIN TO WIMBLEDON
I travel on the train to Wimbledon
It’s the best station by far for me
As you can change for the Overground
Underground and Wombleing free
I THINK THAT THEIR NAME IS AN MISNOMER
I think that their name is an misnomer
If the Borrowers never return anything.
In fact I would go as far to say they’re
Little more than a criminal enterprise ring
WHY DID THE BROKEN CLOCK
Why did the broken clock
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop
IF JM BARRIE HAD WRITTEN SMUT
If JM Barrie had written smut
About all the titillation and joys
His classic tale would have been
Peter Porn and The Lust Boys
MY FATHER IN LAW IS A PHYSICIST
My father in law is a Physicist
Who is oblivious to culinary tips
He is too focussed on his work
So he lives on Fission chips
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 5
The classic tale of Goldilocks
Should never have included Bears
The Girl was gay so it was actually
Goldilocks and the Three Mares
Wednesday, 7 September 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 129
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 6
My son jokes about my age
His humour is very severe
He says that when I was at school
I sat next to Shakespeare
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 379
Little Bo Peep
Has lost her sheep
But in truth
She does care a peep
She prefers ram’s
Does Little Hoe Peep
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 4
He bragged about a conquest
Of a slender, older sylph
But of course no one believed
The boy who Cried MILF!
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 4
Disney have got into porn
It had to happen of course
Beauty and the Beast is the movie
And the beast is hung like a horse
THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF
The boy who cried Wolf
Continued to get beaten on
And that’s because it wasn’t
The safe word they agreed on
WHY IS THE EMPEROR NAKED?
Why is the Emperor Naked?
Well I heard from one who knows
It’s to do with the company he keeps
Namely “The Emperor's New Ho’s”
THE LITTLE ENGINE
The Little Engine that could
Lost his cherry in a shed
So now they call him
The Little Engine that did.
TWO FONTS WALKED INTO A BAR
Two fonts walked into a bar and were told,
“Sorry, you will have to leave I fear
But please don’t take it personally
We just don't serve your type in here”
AT A FANCY DRESS PARTY
At a fancy dress party, my mate
Went dressed as a car number plate
What a guy he’s an absolute “Ledge”
And to top it all his name is Reg
I UPSET MY GRANDDAUGHTER
I upset my granddaughter
When she stayed recently
I made a faux pas, as I thought
That Pepper Pig was a recipe
WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME
When my girlfriend dumped me
I engaged in the revenge porn fad
I posted naked pictures of myself
To show what low standards she had
G-SPOT
There was supposed to be
A documentary last night on Cable
It was all about the g-spot
I did try to find it, but I wasn’t able
My son jokes about my age
His humour is very severe
He says that when I was at school
I sat next to Shakespeare
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 379
Little Bo Peep
Has lost her sheep
But in truth
She does care a peep
She prefers ram’s
Does Little Hoe Peep
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 4
He bragged about a conquest
Of a slender, older sylph
But of course no one believed
The boy who Cried MILF!
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 4
Disney have got into porn
It had to happen of course
Beauty and the Beast is the movie
And the beast is hung like a horse
THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF
The boy who cried Wolf
Continued to get beaten on
And that’s because it wasn’t
The safe word they agreed on
WHY IS THE EMPEROR NAKED?
Why is the Emperor Naked?
Well I heard from one who knows
It’s to do with the company he keeps
Namely “The Emperor's New Ho’s”
THE LITTLE ENGINE
The Little Engine that could
Lost his cherry in a shed
So now they call him
The Little Engine that did.
TWO FONTS WALKED INTO A BAR
Two fonts walked into a bar and were told,
“Sorry, you will have to leave I fear
But please don’t take it personally
We just don't serve your type in here”
AT A FANCY DRESS PARTY
At a fancy dress party, my mate
Went dressed as a car number plate
What a guy he’s an absolute “Ledge”
And to top it all his name is Reg
I UPSET MY GRANDDAUGHTER
I upset my granddaughter
When she stayed recently
I made a faux pas, as I thought
That Pepper Pig was a recipe
WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME
When my girlfriend dumped me
I engaged in the revenge porn fad
I posted naked pictures of myself
To show what low standards she had
G-SPOT
There was supposed to be
A documentary last night on Cable
It was all about the g-spot
I did try to find it, but I wasn’t able
A Little Bit Of Humour # 128
I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 2
I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake feeling brighter
I just wish it would remember me
When I was Three stone lighter
FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE PLAYGROUND
Foghorn Leghorn crossed the playground
But not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was just to get to the other slide
PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 3
Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so fleet
But because I dithered I don’t know
How to get to Sesame Street
WHY ARE EGGS PACKED IN CONTAINERS
Why are eggs packed in containers
That are the flimsiest I’ve ever seen
But batteries are in plastic packs
You can only open with a laser beam
MIND THE GAP, MIND THE GAP
Mind the gap, mind the gap
Is not an announcement about safety
But is pointing out the difference
Between the timetable and reality
I HAD A FITTING WITH MY TAILOR
I had a fitting with my tailor and
All the measurements were wrong
I should really have known better
After all his name is Wei Tu Long
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 5
My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says that my first passport
Was probably written in Latin
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 377
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
And that’s because she’s
A short sighted farmer
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 3
Babes in the wood
And their escapades
Is now a porn film,
Wood in the Babes
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 3
Disney have got into porn
It became a financial reality
And of the films to be made
Is Beauty and the Bestiality
PTERODACTYL
None of the dinosaurs ever heard
The pterodactyl spend a penny
And the simple reason for that
Was because of the silent P
MY NEW TENNIS PARTNER
My new tennis partner
Always obstructs my view,
Stood in the middle of the court
But, that’s Annette for you
I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake feeling brighter
I just wish it would remember me
When I was Three stone lighter
FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE PLAYGROUND
Foghorn Leghorn crossed the playground
But not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was just to get to the other slide
PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 3
Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so fleet
But because I dithered I don’t know
How to get to Sesame Street
WHY ARE EGGS PACKED IN CONTAINERS
Why are eggs packed in containers
That are the flimsiest I’ve ever seen
But batteries are in plastic packs
You can only open with a laser beam
MIND THE GAP, MIND THE GAP
Mind the gap, mind the gap
Is not an announcement about safety
But is pointing out the difference
Between the timetable and reality
I HAD A FITTING WITH MY TAILOR
I had a fitting with my tailor and
All the measurements were wrong
I should really have known better
After all his name is Wei Tu Long
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 5
My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says that my first passport
Was probably written in Latin
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 377
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
And that’s because she’s
A short sighted farmer
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 3
Babes in the wood
And their escapades
Is now a porn film,
Wood in the Babes
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 3
Disney have got into porn
It became a financial reality
And of the films to be made
Is Beauty and the Bestiality
PTERODACTYL
None of the dinosaurs ever heard
The pterodactyl spend a penny
And the simple reason for that
Was because of the silent P
MY NEW TENNIS PARTNER
My new tennis partner
Always obstructs my view,
Stood in the middle of the court
But, that’s Annette for you
A Little Bit Of Humour # 127
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 376
Oh, do you know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Oh, do you know the muffin man,
He’s the one in the muffin top
IF THE SINGULAR IS THIS
If the singular is this
And the plural is these,
Why isn’t the plural of kiss
Ever referred to as kese?
PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 2
Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so brief
So because I dithered I can’t reply
To the question “where's the beef”
PUT DOWN # 62
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Did you just fall from heaven?”
Take a breath and pause for a bit
Then reply “Yes I fell from heaven
But then I landed on a soft shit?”
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 4
My son jokes about my age
He really keeps going on and on
He says that when I was at school
I was best friends with Nelson
WHY DID THE LION CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the Lion cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was to get to the other pride
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 2
The sorcerer’s apprentice
Wasn’t there for tutorage
He was only interested in
The Sorcerer's Appendage
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 2
Disney have got into porn
Namely with the Brothers Grimm
It’s to be an ensemble piece
Entitled The Brother's Quim
PETER PAN IS A BIT OF A GAY ICON
Peter Pan is a bit of a gay icon
As he disrupts the pirates shanties
But that’s not even his real name
He was baptized as Peter Panties
WHY DID THE ONE HANDED MAN
Why did the one handed man
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop
SEX TOY STORY
Her husband had a Woody
But that didn’t impress her
So she went and got Buzz
Out of the drawer in her dresser
ON MY BED AT HOME # 2
On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m overweight
Which causes me great distress
Oh, do you know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Oh, do you know the muffin man,
He’s the one in the muffin top
IF THE SINGULAR IS THIS
If the singular is this
And the plural is these,
Why isn’t the plural of kiss
Ever referred to as kese?
PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 2
Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so brief
So because I dithered I can’t reply
To the question “where's the beef”
PUT DOWN # 62
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Did you just fall from heaven?”
Take a breath and pause for a bit
Then reply “Yes I fell from heaven
But then I landed on a soft shit?”
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 4
My son jokes about my age
He really keeps going on and on
He says that when I was at school
I was best friends with Nelson
WHY DID THE LION CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the Lion cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was to get to the other pride
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 2
The sorcerer’s apprentice
Wasn’t there for tutorage
He was only interested in
The Sorcerer's Appendage
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 2
Disney have got into porn
Namely with the Brothers Grimm
It’s to be an ensemble piece
Entitled The Brother's Quim
PETER PAN IS A BIT OF A GAY ICON
Peter Pan is a bit of a gay icon
As he disrupts the pirates shanties
But that’s not even his real name
He was baptized as Peter Panties
WHY DID THE ONE HANDED MAN
Why did the one handed man
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop
SEX TOY STORY
Her husband had a Woody
But that didn’t impress her
So she went and got Buzz
Out of the drawer in her dresser
ON MY BED AT HOME # 2
On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m overweight
Which causes me great distress
A Little Bit Of Humour # 126
SO IF IT IS CORRECT THAT ONE # 2
So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular cat
Would in the plural
Be cats and never cose
FOR MY POOR DELUDED FATHER
For my poor deluded father
The men in white coats beaconed
He thought he was a chocolate orange
So now he’s been sectioned
I CAN’T COUNT TO TEN IN FRENCH
I can’t count to ten in French
It’s impossible for me
I can only count to seven
Because I have a huit allergy
JOLLY
To be politically correct
We must call fat people, jolly
And the really fat people
Have to be called morbidly jolly
I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 1
I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake fresh at cock crow
I just wish it would remember me
As I was at least twenty years ago
PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 1
Procrastination is the thief of time,
There’s no truer saying without a doubt
And as a result of my dithering
I still don’t know “who let the dogs out”
PUT DOWN # 61
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
So if you tire of unwanted attention
Just tell him you’re incompatible
and if he questions your remark
Say it’s because you’re not inflatable
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 3
My son jokes about my age
His humour is frankly, not
He says my first license
Was for driving a chariot
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 378
Jack be Nimble,
Jack be quick,
But please don’t play
With your candle stick
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 1
Snow White thought
7-Up was just a drink
But meeting the dwarves
Caused her to rethink
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 1
Disney have got into porn
And the first film to be made
Is a remake of a classic
Renamed “The Little Sperm Maid”
ON MY BED AT HOME # 1
On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m over sixty
Which causes me great distress
So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular cat
Would in the plural
Be cats and never cose
FOR MY POOR DELUDED FATHER
For my poor deluded father
The men in white coats beaconed
He thought he was a chocolate orange
So now he’s been sectioned
I CAN’T COUNT TO TEN IN FRENCH
I can’t count to ten in French
It’s impossible for me
I can only count to seven
Because I have a huit allergy
JOLLY
To be politically correct
We must call fat people, jolly
And the really fat people
Have to be called morbidly jolly
I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 1
I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake fresh at cock crow
I just wish it would remember me
As I was at least twenty years ago
PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 1
Procrastination is the thief of time,
There’s no truer saying without a doubt
And as a result of my dithering
I still don’t know “who let the dogs out”
PUT DOWN # 61
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
So if you tire of unwanted attention
Just tell him you’re incompatible
and if he questions your remark
Say it’s because you’re not inflatable
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 3
My son jokes about my age
His humour is frankly, not
He says my first license
Was for driving a chariot
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 378
Jack be Nimble,
Jack be quick,
But please don’t play
With your candle stick
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 1
Snow White thought
7-Up was just a drink
But meeting the dwarves
Caused her to rethink
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 1
Disney have got into porn
And the first film to be made
Is a remake of a classic
Renamed “The Little Sperm Maid”
ON MY BED AT HOME # 1
On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m over sixty
Which causes me great distress
Wednesday, 22 June 2016
SWEET HONEY BEE
Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss you
And your honeyed words
Well-crafted and poignant
Even finding humour
On your sad journey
Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss your
Tireless support for others,
Less talented than you
Such as I, with your
Patient kind encouragement
Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss you
Now the world is a sadder place
Without you in it
But the eternal meadow
Is now graced with another Honey Bee
For Deborah
How we will miss you
And your honeyed words
Well-crafted and poignant
Even finding humour
On your sad journey
Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss your
Tireless support for others,
Less talented than you
Such as I, with your
Patient kind encouragement
Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss you
Now the world is a sadder place
Without you in it
But the eternal meadow
Is now graced with another Honey Bee
For Deborah
A Little Bit Of Humour # 125
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 375
Star light, star bright,
No I don’t want to tonight
If truth be told, alright
I think stargazing is shite
WHEN WE SPEAK OF A BROTHER
When we speak of a brother
We can also speak of brethren,
But although we say Mother,
I have never heard said, Methren
MY UNCLE GOT CAUGHT STEALING AGAIN
My uncle got caught stealing again
It’s an occupation hazard by and large
This time it was luxury toilet rolls
And he pleaded quilty to the charge
ON THE JOURNEY TO WORK
On the journey to work
I had a nightmare
But I woke up before I ran
Anyone down to be fair
THE SIGN IN THE LAYBY READ
The sign in the layby read
“No dumping” it was hard to miss
But luckily it didn’t apply to me
Because I only needed a piss
THERE WAS AN IRRITATING WHINING SOUND
There was an irritating whining sound
As I was driving to work today
I ignored it and drove on into town
To drop my wife off and then it was ok
DO YOU WANT TO SEE A NAKED HARPIST
“Do you want to see a naked harpist?”
I was asked and of course replied yes please
But I was told that I mustn’t touch the harp
Because of the risk of catching harpies
I ONCE WENT OUT WITH A HARPIST
I once went out with a harpist
Who played it naked, except for specs
She wasn’t very good but afterwards
We had No strings attached sex
I PICKED UP A TRAY OF LAMB CHOPS
I picked up a tray of Lamb chops
Labelled “Reared in Wales” in the shop
I refused to buy them on the basis
That I thought that was a bit racist
MY NEIGHBOURS ARE OBNOXIOUS
My neighbours are obnoxious, rude
And loud and they’re doing in my cranium
They are so intolerable that I finally
Know, what it must be like to be a Canadian
I GOT CHATTING ON THE EURO STAR
I got chatting on the Euro Star
And I really rather enjoyed it
First I made a Belgian waffle
And then a Frenchman talk shit
Star light, star bright,
No I don’t want to tonight
If truth be told, alright
I think stargazing is shite
WHEN WE SPEAK OF A BROTHER
When we speak of a brother
We can also speak of brethren,
But although we say Mother,
I have never heard said, Methren
MY UNCLE GOT CAUGHT STEALING AGAIN
My uncle got caught stealing again
It’s an occupation hazard by and large
This time it was luxury toilet rolls
And he pleaded quilty to the charge
ON THE JOURNEY TO WORK
On the journey to work
I had a nightmare
But I woke up before I ran
Anyone down to be fair
THE SIGN IN THE LAYBY READ
The sign in the layby read
“No dumping” it was hard to miss
But luckily it didn’t apply to me
Because I only needed a piss
THERE WAS AN IRRITATING WHINING SOUND
There was an irritating whining sound
As I was driving to work today
I ignored it and drove on into town
To drop my wife off and then it was ok
DO YOU WANT TO SEE A NAKED HARPIST
“Do you want to see a naked harpist?”
I was asked and of course replied yes please
But I was told that I mustn’t touch the harp
Because of the risk of catching harpies
I ONCE WENT OUT WITH A HARPIST
I once went out with a harpist
Who played it naked, except for specs
She wasn’t very good but afterwards
We had No strings attached sex
I PICKED UP A TRAY OF LAMB CHOPS
I picked up a tray of Lamb chops
Labelled “Reared in Wales” in the shop
I refused to buy them on the basis
That I thought that was a bit racist
MY NEIGHBOURS ARE OBNOXIOUS
My neighbours are obnoxious, rude
And loud and they’re doing in my cranium
They are so intolerable that I finally
Know, what it must be like to be a Canadian
I GOT CHATTING ON THE EURO STAR
I got chatting on the Euro Star
And I really rather enjoyed it
First I made a Belgian waffle
And then a Frenchman talk shit
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