AN UMBRELLA WAS LIKE A PANCAKE

 

Granddad always said, an umbrella was like

A pancake, but I didn’t know what he meant?

I only found out many years later that it was

Because they were seldom seen after lent

ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY KEG?

 

Are you wearing a brandy keg?

Is obviously the question that I beg?

I obviously hope the answer is yes

If it’s no, I’m hallucinating I guess

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE # 2

 

The secret to a happy married life

Is that good things needn’t be hurried

So be engaged for at least six months

Before the two of you get married

ARE YOU WEARING THAT TONIGHT?

 

Are you wearing that tonight?

I can’t say I’m not disappointed

You don’t normally have a hair out of place

And you are always perfumed and anointed

You haven’t bothered to get glammed up

So tonight you look like a plain Jane

I certainly don’t want to be seen with you

And you only have yourself to blame

You’ve done something out of place

And I really didn’t want to see “the girl below”

Yes I do think that it’s all over between us

But I don’t agree that I’m being shallow

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 387

 

Mary, Mary, quite contrary

Decided to sow Stock seed

But later she realised her error

After sowing Japanese knotweed

ARE YOU WEARING SUNGLASSES?

 

Are you wearing sunglasses?

Well, they are the height of cool

But it’s England and its February

And you look a bloody fool

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 9

 

I went into hospital for minor surgery

Afterwards in recovery I heard “oh fuck it!,

“Someone call the janitorial services

We're going to need a mop and bucket!”