I HAVE A VERY POLITE DOCTOR

 

I have a very polite doctor,

Nice to the point of folly

He won’t tell me I’m obese

He says I’m morbidly jolly

WHEN THE WINE BOX IS EMPTY

 

When the wine box is empty

I am one of the thorough types

I rip open the cardboard

To reveal the Pinots tripe’s

And squeeze it dry as I play

The alcoholics bagpipes

WE HAVE A NEW MARKET IN TOWN

 

We have a new market in town

And they do Korean street food

One customer ordered poodle noodles

Which I thought was quite rude

THERE WOULD BE MORE RESERVES

 

There would be more reserves

Remaining in the North Sea

If the Scots didn’t have

Such a deep-frying tendency

EVERY WEEKEND IN ESSEX-LAND

 

Every weekend in Essex-land

Daddies’ precious little petal

Gets off her tits and tanked up

On gallons of Princess Petrol

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 245

 

John Cook was riding up

Shooter's Bank,

Pedalling fast

He thought running red lights a bit of a prank

ARE YOU WEARING A PINNY?

 

Are you wearing a pinny?

And why exactly are you wearing it?

You said “A man’s home is his castle”

And she said “Then you can clean it”