I GOT CAUGHT TAKING A PISS

 

I got caught taking a piss

In the local swimming pool

The lifeguard shouted so loud,

I nearly fell in. the bloody fool

MY DOCTOR SAID I’M BORDERLINE OBESE

 

My doctor said I’m borderline obese

But it didn’t bother me at all

Because at the end of the day

That makes me borderline Normal

PUT DOWN # 49

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

Allow me to give you an example

By way of a demonstration

 

When I was in a club one night

It must have been nearly half past two

A woman said to me “If you lost weight,

Shaved and cut your hair you would do

I replied “yes but if I did all that,

I’d be talking to your mates instead of you”

I CHATTED TO A GIRL IN THE PUB

I chatted to a girl in the pub

And suspecting her gullibility

I proceeded to proudly boast

About my special ability

 

“I can divine when a woman

Was born, to the very day

Just by feeling her breasts

It’s as simple as child’s play”

 

"Really? Is that really true?"

She said “or is it just a lie

Just so you can feel my tits 

But go on then give it a try"

 

So I had a good fondle

And thought she is so dumb

And I teased her nipples

Till they were as fat as my thumb

 

But she started to get impatient

And I heard her say

"Come on then, what day was I born"?

I replied, “it was yesterday"

SAME SEX MARRIAGE

 

There’s a lot of discussion at the moment

About “same sex marriage”

Well having been married for thirty years

I’d like a “some sex marriage”

RED HAT

 

She was a stunner

In her new red hat

And it turned a few heads

Have no doubt of that

 

She was not dressed

As someone one ignores

But everyone was thinking

“Red hat no drawers”

RED NOSE

 

He had a large red nose

Just like a strawberry

His pock marked snozz

Was not a thing of beauty

But it was not a drinker’s nose

In fact on the contrary

It was actually the result

Of learning to eat with cutlery