HELP LINE

 

I phoned the incontinence help line today

“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”

“Where are you ringing from Mrs. Brown”?

I of course replied “from the waist down”

DINNER QUESTION

 

My wife was in the kitchen

And she began to chat

“What would you like darling”

I heard from where I sat

“Chicken, fish or lamb

Or some beef without the fat”

“I think I’ll have the chicken

And I can have white wine with that”

“You’ve got beans on toast you idiot

I was talking to the cat”

FACE VALUE

 

You worry so much about your appearance

You fret about your nose being too big

Your mouth too wide and your lips too thin

But be assured people really don’t give a fig

For while you display your magnificent breasts

Encased sensually within black lace

Any imperfections you have will go unnoticed

Because no one is looking at your face

ROSES WERE RED

 

Roses were red, violets were blue

No one in the bar was prettier than you

I brought you home I was over the moon

In the morning I sing a different tune

My eyes are red, my complexion green

The sight of you makes me want to scream

WE HAVE NO WEALTH OR TREASURE

 

We have no wealth or treasure

Yet we are rich beyond measure

We have our health and welfare

And have loved ones who care

Our riches cannot be spent

Nor can their great value be lent

Against coin they cannot be compared

For our riches can easily be shared

Our riches are our family and friends

Whose infinite value knows no ends

We have no wealth or treasure

Yet we are rich beyond measure

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 35

 

Two little dicky birds sitting on a wall,

One named Peter, one named Paul.

Fly away Peter, away said Paul,

Don’t come back, this is my wall!

DAVY JONES DISCO

 

If you go to a seafood disco

For a tango and a tussle

Don’t complain about bad luck

If you only pull a muscle