PUT DOWN # 34

 

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

“If you want a good time” he might say

“Then I’m your man”

Just reply to him “Really?

Then I might as well become a lesbian”

DEAD CERTAIN

 

A senior couple were lying in bed one morning.

Just as a new day was dawning

Having had the most perfect nights sleep

Long, restful, undisturbed and deep

 

The old gentleman turned to his wife and asked

“Would you like a cup of tea?”

She lay perfectly still in the same position

“NO! Of course I don’t want a cup of tea”

 

Surprised by her vehemence he asked “Why not?”

She answered, “Because I'm dead”

“What are you talking about? Of course you’re not

What put such a thought in your head?”

 

“It’s no good you arguing with me about it

I have no doubt at all. I am definitely dead,

And that’s it and all about it, because

I woke up this morning and nothing hurts” she said

WHIRLWIND ROMANCE

 

A woman is like a hurricane

Whether your partner or your spouse

When she comes she’s hot and wet

When she leaves she takes half the house

SENIOR FORCAST

 

Since I’ve been retired

I’ve noticed that my hips

Are more accurate forecasters

Than those met office twits

BITCHIN’ BABE

 

Wow as you passed slowly by

You really caught my eye

With your figure so top class

Can I grope and squeeze your arse?

You have a very ample chest

Can I fumble inside your vest?

Are you moist beneath the waist?

Will you let me have a taste?

Oh, your hips gyrate and tease

Let me split your whiskers please

Let me leave you in a state of bliss

If not, I will gladly settle for a kiss

WYNNE OR NO

 

Do you know who invented the crossword?

I can't remember his name for the life of me

It’s on the tip of my tongue just out of reach

It’s W something N something E

RAMBLING

 

I met a guy from the ramblers today

I think his name was John

He was a harmless bloke I suppose

But he just went on and on