Little red riding hoody
Was sent
to visit her sick grandma
But the
big bad wolf spied her
Before
she’d got very far
The big
bad wolf wanted to eat her
And was
just about to strike and mar
When she
set her pit-bull on the wolf
Then went off to rob her grandma
A woman arrived on the ward
To visit her husband
one day
And when she saw him
in his bed
He looked in a very
bad way
She asked the nurse
what happened
“He had another stroke”
The nurse said
The woman unconvinced
Questioned her about
bruises to his head
“That’s not normal for
someone having a stroke”
She said to her
crossly
“I can tell you it is
perfectly normal madam
When he’s having a
stroke of me”
When the navy is in town
There is mayhem all
around
As the sex starved
from the fleet
Wreak havoc in the
streets
Chanting amidst the
noise
Get your tits out for
the boys
In search of feminine
company
After several months
at sea
Pleasing them is easy
These horny men of the
sea
They don’t want to see
your thighs
Or to look into your
big brown eyes
The only thing that
will satisfy
Is getting your tits
out for the guys
They don’t want to see
you pout
Just get your top off
and get them out
You can do a dance of
lust
If you really think
you must
You can even bump and
grind
They don’t really mind
You can make a really
sexy noise
As you get your tits
out for the boys
This is not the best
way to be
If you really want
some company
Oh these enlightened
men of the sea
All end the night
skint and lonely
I don’t do plumbing
Carpentry or electrics
I don’t mess with
tiling
Bricklaying or
mechanics
I suppose I could be
described
As a handy man, in a
way
As I live on the
premises
And can be there the
same day
But that isn’t really
handy
If I’m being fair
As I’m actually bloody
useless
When I get there
So I don’t do DIY
I’m just not that guy
But I do, do GSI
I’m a “Get Someone In”
kind of guy
I’ve just seen myself in the mirror
And it’s clear I need
to get thinner
But if I join a gym
they tell me
I will feel the
benefits immediately
Their fitness plan
like as not
Will take me from shot
to hot
From porker to corker
From chunk to hunk
From duff to buff
But in order for me to
see my toes
I just need to pay
them through the nose
So rather than try to
get thinner
I will just stop
looking in the mirror
We all think that when we were young
The sun shone for 23
hours a day
Not altogether true
But it seems that way
in hindsight
But things always look
better looking back
They were more
innocent times
More naïve times
There were things that
were not said
Or not discussed in
mixed company
Now anything goes
For example we didn’t
have to endure
Endless TV ads for
sanitary products and pantie liners
Thrush medicine or
haemorrhoid cream
Or women discussing
their bladder weakness or blocked bowels
Way back then we only
had the three TV channels,
Which was enough
And the network shut
down at 10.30
So we knew when to go
to bed
And there was no such
thing as daytime telly
The soap of the day
was “Coronation Street“
And from America
“Peyton Place”
For the kids “Noggin
the Nog”
“Mr. Pastry” or the
“Wombles”
“Captain Pugwash” with
seaman Stanes
And Roger the cabin
boy
Comedy like “Sykes”,
“The Good Life”
And “Morecambe and
Wise”
Sid and Hattie in the
“Carry Ons
Grass hopper in “Kung Fu”
“Land of the giants”,
“Blake’s Seven” and “Dr Who”
You could still watch
sport on terrestrial
With “Grandstand” on
the Beeb
And on ITV, Dickie
Davis with “World of sport”
Now we have hundreds
of channels
Showing the same
programs we used to watch on three channels
In the music world the
“Rolling Stones”
Were closer to puberty
than senility
Music came on vinyl
though we just called them records
The first record I
bought was “Good news week”
By Hedgehoppers
Anonymous
You could buy LP’s,
singles and audio cassettes
Even 8 track though
not very long lived
Petrol was only five
bob a gallon
While beer was just
10p a pint
Penny chews and sweets
in a jar
Oh for the time when
you could still get
Treats, opal fruits
and spangles
Back then gay still
meant happy
And everyone wore a
ticka ticka Timex on their wrist,
That you had to wind
up.
It was a time when we
all wanted to be in love
Like Celia Johnson and
Trevor Howard in “Brief Encounter”
And we didn’t think it
was corny when Bette said
“Gerry lets not ask
for the moon we already have the stars”
It was a time when we
all wanted to be suave and debonair
Just like Fred Astaire
And dance with panache
and savoir fare
Its not that I’m a cup
half empty kind of guy
But things do look
better looking back
At a time before
political correctness was invented
And you could laugh at
a joke and not worry
That someone you have
never met and probably will never meet
Might be offended by
it
Or more likely upset
someone who got offended on their behalf
Take me back to simpler
times
Christmas is coming, the Geese are getting fat
The bird is a little fatty but I don’t mind that
If you haven’t got a
Goose then a Turkey will do
