IF YOU REALLY WANT TO TERRIFY

 

If you really want to terrify

A confirmed batchelor?

Fill his pockets with confetti

While he’s passed out on the floor

THERE IS ONLY ONE THING THAT FLIES FASTER

There is only one thing that flies faster

Than stock off the shelves on Black Friday

And that is the endless flash of white

Of till receipt as the customers pay

HE WAS A PESSIMIST AND NO MISTAKE

 

He was a pessimist and no mistake

But he wasn’t a cup half empty kind of guy

He was very much worse than that

He didn’t even have a cup, that’s why

IN A SHELL SUIT

 

What do you call a chicken?

The question begs

If it wears a shell suit?

It’s obviously an Egg

THE LAST THING THAT KING HAROLD SAID

The last thing that King Harold said

On the day that he died

During the Battle of Hastings?

Was "I spy with my little eye" 

Uncanny Tales – (39) Butties and Baps

 

I was in Basingstoke a few months ago for a job interview and I found myself with a little time to kill, as it is in my nature, that when going to a place for the first time in particular, to allow plenty of time in the event of some unforeseen happening.

I don’t like being late, especially for appointments and as a result I am invariably at least forty-five minutes early, hence the necessity to kill some time.

On this particular occasion, after scouting out my final destination, I decided to go into a local café, “Butties and Baps”, which was only five minutes away from the company where I had the interview, and I ordered a coffee and a Danish and sat down in the corner to read my paper.

It was a little after 10 o’clock in the morning so the café was very quiet in fact there was only one other customer and he was draining his cup, but almost as soon as my fellow customer put his cup down the door opened and in walked an elderly gentleman who made his way very sprightly, to the counter.

He exchanged pleasantries with the well-endowed woman behind the counter who due to her physique I assumed must be “Baps” and I could only imagine what “Butties” looked like.

Anyway, the old Gent, unaware of my thoughts, proceeded to order a mug of tea with six sugars,

“Six sugars?” Baps replied, “You’ll rot your teeth”.

The man stiffened immediately

“Listen to me young lady” he said loudly and indignantly.

Calling her “Young Lady” must have been quite flattering to her as in my opinion she would not see fifty again.

“I’m 77 years old, I have never been to a dentist and furthermore I still have all my own teeth” and with this he turned smartly on his heels and marched back out the door.

Baps just stood stock still and speechless with her mouth open, teapot still in hand and pouring into an overflowing mug.

“Don’t worry,” I said “What he didn’t tell you was that he keeps them in an old tobacco tin, he’s probably gone home to get them so he can have a bun to go with his mug of tea”.

Uncanny Tales – (41) The Knicker Nicker

 

When I used to travel to work in my car, I used to pass through what was to become the largest new housing development in Europe, at the time I passed through the development the project was nearing its completion.

It took more than ten years to complete and it was the properties on the farthest fringe of the development which I witnessed from groundbreaking to occupation.

During the building they looked like little rows of shoe boxes stood on end and I often chuckled to myself and wondered who would want to live in them, well five years later it turned out to be my wife and I.

That was some years ago now, in that small almost newly built two up two down in a quiet Surrey cul-de-sac and I have to say we have never been happier than we were then.

We had great neighbours, who we are still in contact with to this day even though we have all scattered to the four winds, and one of the things that brought us together was our cats.

We had a black cat called Berry, short for Blackberry, who was given to us when she was a kitten by my brother in law as a wedding present and we still have her today, although she’s getting on a bit.

When we lived in the shoebox she had a very embarrassing habit of invading other cat owners homes when we were out and we would return home from work to find her peering at us from the comfort of someone else’s house sitting on the window sill or on the back of their sofa, but that was nothing compared to our next door neighbours Carole and Johns cat Tabitha.

When we first knew them they had two cats Madeline and Emily who were both great buddies with our Berry but after Emily was killed on the road and Madeline ran away they decided they would get a rescued cat from an animal rescue center.

Well what they got was a tabby called Tabitha who was very sweet but suffered with psychological problems.

It was a very nervous and timid creature who was very suspicious of everyone but what none of us suspected was its darker side.

Well while the humans were all at work and Berry was sleeping in someone else’s house Tabitha roamed the local area indulging in her particular passion, namely stealing from the neighbours.

And what she stole were knickers, pants, socks, and the occasional bra and when our first son was born, she even took bibs and booties.

The troubled animal preyed on the unsuspecting locals stealing from washing lines, wash baskets and clothes airers, though thankfully even with her psychological problems she only stole clean items nothing soiled or un-fresh.

We were all oblivious to this dastardly crime putting the loss of missing items down to mischievous house elves.

The dastardly crime only came to light when John was clearing a room prior to decorating when he discovered nests of other people’s underwear.

This could have been awkward, and John might well have had some explaining to do it Carol had found the pantie collection before he did.

I’m sure it was the cat.