ON HIS DEATHBED

 

Sebastian seriously ill lay dying

His wife, Vicky, by his side crying

He roused from his coma briefly

And his pallid lips moved slightly

He whispered, “Vicky my darling,”

“Hush” she said. “Rest, no talking”

But he was persistent in his distress

“I have something I must confess.”

“There's nothing to confess dearest”

She replied weeping “Please rest”

But Sebastian was not about to cease

“No, no. Vicky I must die in peace,”

“I slept with your sister, and mother

Your best friend, and your brother”

She whispered “I know my sweet one”

“Now let the poison’s work be done”

HEY WAYNE

 

Bimbette an unmarried mother went to claim benefit

And in front of a case manager, she was asked to sit

He asked her “How many children do you have then?”

After a few moments the mother finally replied “Ten”

Horrified and thinking this was “One of those” claims

“Ten?” Said the case manager “What are their names?”

Bimbette replied impatiently “They’re all called Wayne”

“They’re all called Wayne? Isn’t that a bit of a pain?

“Naah” she said “If they’re out playing in the street

“I just shout, “Come in Wayne” and it works a treat”

“It works at bedtime and when it’s time for dinner”

“But what if” asked the manager in a perturbed manner

“You want to speak to one boy individually?” He said

“That’s easy,” she said “I use their surnames instead”

CABINET NEWS

What wonderful news not only has the British Government finally made a decision on something, but they have made a good one.

They are finally going to ban smoking in pubs.

Now we can not only subject ourselves to coronary inducing meals, smoke free, but we can also relax safe in the knowledge that our children are free to binge drink and experiment with drugs without the additional hazard of passive smoking.

Well done Nanny Blair.

SIMPLY PHILOSOPHICAL # 2

A very simple rule

I was always taught

Love your neighbor

But don't get caught

GAY QUESTION

If a gay man married again

Therefore, marrying two men

Would he be guilty of bigamy?

Or would it just be buggermy?

AFFAIR GAME

Colin Smith was a married man but he was having an affair

With his pretty young secretary Caroline since at least last June  

One day while they were at work their passions overcame them

And they rushed to her house, where they made love all afternoon

 

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, waking quite late

As Colin put on his clothes he told her to take his shoes outside

And rub them in the grass and dirt. Which mystified she did

He slipped into his shoes and drove home arriving after eight

 

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he got home

“Darling, I can't lie to you. I'm having an affair with Caroline

And I’ve spent all of this afternoon having wild sex with her

We were both exhausted and fell asleep not realizing the time

 

It was already past seven o’clock when we both finally woke up

The wife suspected from the beginning it was one of his stories

Then she saw his dirty shoes and she said, “You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf all afternoon with your bloody cronies!”

RULE BRITANNIA # 6

 

I am proud to be British

Like many other sages

As my newspapers don’t

Devote all their front pages

To a single bike race

For what seems like ages