Monday, 22 March 2021

A DAY OUT WITH MUM

 

The rhythmical rain tapped out its symphony on the car roof punctuated periodically by the percussion of larger drops that had accumulated on an overhanging bough.

Inside the car I watch the rain drops, secretly choosing one, race down the windscreen and follow it as it races other drops in the windscreen Grand National until the rhythm of the rain changes and the drops are swallowed in the ensuing torrent.

With the windows tight shut mist quickly forms and my brother and I play naughts and crosses in the mist until the game is ended abruptly when Dad switches on the heater.

The rain eases slightly so I begin the secret racing game again, but this soon has to be modified when Dad put the wipers on intermittent wipe.

This meant your chosen droplet not only had to beat all the other contenders but also avoid being wiped out.

Dad put the radio on, and it was playing “Rain drops keep falling on my head” my Dad laughed and my brother and I just looked at each other and he shrugged the irony was lost on us.

My Dad liked the song but then he was old, almost fifty.

We’ve all been in the car for twenty minutes now and we’re just waiting for Mum.

She came out the house the same time as we did but she had to go back for her handbag and then she came out again only to return to check all the windows were closed, all the taps were turned off, the back door was locked and so on and so forth.

She would have checked the gas as well had it not been for the fact we were all electric.

It doesn’t matter that my Dad had already checked everything.

Here she comes again, no she’s gone back to the loo.

My brother and I get very fidgety and irritable by this performance every time we go anywhere but my Dad is completely un-phased by it.

The puzzling thing is we always arrived at our destination on time, What I didn’t know was that he always told my Mum the departure time was half an hour before he actually wanted to leave.

Here comes Mum at last, no she’s gone again she’s forgotten her umbrella.

AN ESTATE WORSE THAN DEATH

 AN ESTATE WORSE THAN DEATH

 

On that grey Monday morning in March a dozen years ago I was called to my mum’s home, a Guinness trust property, where she had passed away peacefully in the night.

I sat on her bed holding her hand for a long while until the doctor came.

While he went through the formalities, I began the painful task of notifying the rest of the family.

The doctor came down the stairs and expressed his regrets and offered his condolences then he left, and I continued with the phone calls until the coroner arrived.

Within half an hour of the coroner visiting

There were ten people queuing outside the estate office all staking their claim for her house.

Less than an hour after the coroner and my mum’s body had left the house, I had a visit from the estate manager who did not as you might imagine offer condolences sympathies or regrets but wanted to know when the property would be vacated.

Once we had agreed on a date he left, and his parting shot was “if nobody wants the three piece suite I wouldn’t mind it”

What is the world like?

What are people like? 

INCONCEIVABLE

Bimbette went to see her doctor

As she was felling quite unwell

And after a thorough examination

The doctor had something to tell

Bimbette was then told the news

That she was in fact expecting

After the initial shock was over

She wanted to know about delivering

He said you’ll be in the same position

Roughly when you conceived you know

“What in the back of a Mini Cooper

With me legs sticking out the window”?

PAINT POTTERIES

 

In Staffordshire this morning

There was a major incident

And it happened very close

To the town of Stoke on Trent

The crash involved a tanker

Full of thousands of gallons of paint

As a result of the spillage

The area is now called stroke on paint

BACK TALK

My daughter has a minor back complaint

And she has suffered for ten years nearly

She has tried almost every type of therapy

For which in that time she has paid dearly

The latest fad or fashion to catch her eye

Is the magnetic under blanket clearly

Only when she goes to sleep facing the east

By morning she’s spun to face northerly

TURN ON COUNTDOWN DEAR?

 

I was watching Carol and twice nightly

Countdown with Vorderman and Whitely

When I told my wife where I am housed

That when watching Carol I got Aroused

I could tell that I had let down my guard

Her instant response was to slap me hard

She slapped me unconscious how absurd

And all I did was get a seven-letter word

WHAT A GAS

My blonde girlfriend

Is quite a dozy bunny

She has just sold her car

To raise some petrol money