YOU MAKE YOUR BED

 When your married or in relationships

And you go out and order fish and chips

You notice what other men have ordered

Thinking their choices would be preferred

THE SQUIRT CUT ME UP

 

I was driving my wife’s car the other day

And someone cut me up while on my way

The problem is that things are less familiar

Switches are different to my own little car

I went to sound the horn at the car ahead

And then the windscreen washers squirted

With trickling water obscuring my vision

I reflected on the wisdom of my decision

I shouted at him in defiance like you do

“Bastard, now let that be a lesson to you”

THERE IS KNOWLEDGE I NEED TO KNOW # 6

 

There is knowledge I need to know

Which will give me the status of a king

For example, why do the words, flammable

And inflammable mean the same thing

AROMATIC

 

On an outing to our local shopping mall

I couldn’t find Mrs. Oliver there at all

She was a poor old woman in my care

And I couldn’t find the woman anywhere

I stood and thought hard about my task

And decided to go to information and ask

At the information desk Maureen sat

I wasn’t very hopeful I would say that

Though she didn’t look at all informing

I still told her that I had lost something

Blandly she said, “was it an umbrella”?

I told her the true nature of my dilemma

“Oh, what’s she like”? The woman said

Coffee and cake maybe a Danish instead

No what does she look like is what I mean

I laughed but the joke was lost on Maureen

“There’s a new coffee shop she may have tried”

“That’s a very good idea” I promptly replied

I gave her my thanks and I was on my way

“They have a distinctive smell don’t they”

“What coffee shops? Yes, they do I suppose”

“No old people” she said holding her nose

EATING TRASH

 

I thought selling sand to Arabs

Really took the biscuit

Or even selling the very latest

Ice cube maker to the Inuit

But I’ve just paid in a restaurant

For the contents of their bins

We had spareribs chicken wings

And of course, potato skins

GOD’S CREATURE’S

 

If God had not intended

Animals for us to eat

He would never have

Made them out of meat

VERSATILE MUSIC MAN

 

My dad is a versatile music man

If anyone can play it then he can

He’s been seen playing the cello

In a hotel lounge in Portabello

Playing inprov jazz on tenor sax

For beer money on a street in Halifax

Even making a tune on a synthesizer

While drinking Irn bru and tizer

He’s very often been known to jam

In a seedy club in Amsterdam

Bash a tune out on the old Joanna

Down by the beach in copacabana

And strumming on guitar or banjo

For the businessmen of Tokyo

He’ll get a note out of a flugel horn

On the icy slopes of the Matterhorn

He’ll play anything from harmonica

To the clarinet euphonium or tuba

Double base trumpet or trombone

Triangle glockenspiel or xylophone

But my dad the versatile music man

Will never play the piano accordion