SELF MEDICATION

 

To counteract the signs of aging

I have an alternative to the

Cosmetic treatment hustle

 

I just drink plenty of wine

It’s much cheaper than Botox

And paralyses more muscles

DEPRESSED DRINKER

 

I used to have a coping strategy

For when things got grim

I would try to drown my sorrows

But the bastards learned how to swim

PHILOSOPHICAL DRINKER

 

It doesn’t matter if the glass

Is half full or half empty

Either is fine

It just means that there is

More than enough room

To add more wine

NOSEGAY

A young woman stood waiting to meet

She stood six foot tall in stocking feet

Two midgets arrive standing to her right 

Or should I say men of restricted height

After a while one turned and spoke to her

“Excuse me miss can we smell your beaver?”

“No, you can’t you dirty disgusting little men”

“Oh, ok it must be your feet that stink then”

COQ AU VAN

 

I tried cooking with wine last night

But it didn’t go very well therein

After five generous glasses

I forgot why I was in the kitchen

FAREWELL TO YOUTH

 

I’m getting old

My youth has been relinquished

I’m told my grey hair

Makes me look distinguished

The sad truth is

My ego has been extinguished

CHARITABLE BEQUEST REQUESTS # 1

 

The Red Cross are getting greedy

Not happy to just milk me in life

They want me to will them a percentage

Of what should go to my wife