Monday, 7 December 2020

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (005) My First Working Christmas

I was living in a Stevenage with my parents in the early seventies, in a block of Warden run flats, which were sheltered accommodation for the elderly, and my mother was the Warden.

I attended the School nearby, but I was never what you might call academic, so I left school when I was fifteen, and I left at the end of May and I started my first job three days later, as a trainee groundsman.

However in the November of that same year the family house from one side of town to the other, and the significance of this will become clear later in the story.

The house move didn’t affect my getting to and from work though as the town had a good bus service, operating a flat fare service on circular routes, so I still got the same bus as I did from the old address but from a different stop, and the price was the same, this will also prove significant later on.

As I said this was my first year at work and as a result I also had my first works Christmas party to look forward to, which was on the last day before we broke for the Christmas holiday and we had a little works party in the yard, where a little Christmas cheer was imbibed and a drink or two were consumed.

Now I was only sixteen when Christmas came around and I had only had very limited experience of alcohol and I got well and truly bladdered on Whisky Mac, cider and something unpronounceable from Yugoslavia.

At the end of the boozy afternoon one of my workmates gave me a lift into the town centre and in my drunken state I staggered to the bus station and caught my usual bus, and I managed to climb the stairs to the top deck and in due course the bus set off, filled with Christmas shoppers and a one drunken trainee groundsman.

Probably with the combination of alcohol and the motion of the bus I drifted off on the journey and I suddenly came to and on looking out the window I recognized a familiar sight and I promptly got off the bus.

As the bus drove off, I headed off up the road in the direction of home wishing all and sundries a merry Christmas as I went, not unlike George Bailey in “It’s a wonderful life”.

When I reached the flats I entered through the main doors, passing the Christmas tree in the foyer and headed straight for flat number one.

At the door I fumbled for my key and presented it to the lock, but it wouldn’t fit, so I peered closely at it and it was definitely my door key so I tried to put it in the lock again, but still it wouldn’t fit.

Suddenly the door opened and a stranger looked out at me

“Can I help?” she asked.

“Ah, my name is Paul, and I don’t live here, anymore do I?”

The lady, who was the new Warden, laughed and agreed with me that I no longer lived there.

So I wished her a happy Christmas and made my way back to the foyer were there was a public telephone with a large Perspex dome over it.

My intention was to phone for a taxi but rummaging in my pockets I discovered I had no money for the taxi or indeed a coin to make a phone call, and then as I tried to duck under the Perspex hood I tripped over my own feet and fell into the Christmas tree which ended up on top of me.

The lady, who now lived at no 1, heard the commotion and came to investigate and to my surprise thought it very amusing to find a drunken teenager wearing the Christmas tree.

“Oh dear” she said laughing.

Deeply apologetic, I explained the circumstances of my predicament and the new Warden phoned a taxi for me and even gave me the money for the fare.

That was real Christmas spirit, in the spirit of the Capra classic, and I have never forgotten her kindness and tolerance and try to keep that same spirit in my own heart at Christmas.

 

CROMWELLIAN (CLERIHEW)

 


The lord protector Oliver Cromwell

Killed thousands, the truth to tell

Beheaded the king and closed hostelries

And he cancelled the Christmas festivities

CYNTHIA’S NIGHT OUT

 

Cynthia was sweet sixteen and naive

And was going out on her first date

But mummy had some rules to impart

In the event that they may conjugate

 

Cynthia asked “what if on the way home

He stops his car in a dark lonely wood”

“That’s ok mummy won’t worry about that”

Mummy replied “that’s ok if he should”

 

Cynthia asked, “what if while were parked

He puts his arm around me and kisses me”

“That’s ok mummy won’t worry about that”

Mummy replied “that’s alright you’ll see”

 

Cynthia asked, “what if while were parked

He goes inside my blouse and undoes my bra”

“That’s ok mummy won’t worry about that”

Mummy replied “its ok if he goes that far”

 

Cynthia asked, “what if while were parked

He puts his hand in my pants and touches me”

“That’s ok mummy won’t worry about that”

Mummy replied “that’s alright you’ll see”

 

Cynthia asked, “what if while were parked

He lays me down and gets on top of me”

“Cynthia that’s not ok you mustn’t do that”

Mummy said, “because mummy would worry”

 

That night after Cynthia returned home

She was very excited after she had dated

And mummy wanted to know everything

In the event that they may have conjugated

 

Cynthia said, “as we were on the way home

He stopped his car in a dark lonely wood

I thought mummy won’t worry about this

Mummy said it was alright if he should”

 

Cynthia said “well mummy while were parked

He put his arm around me and kissed me

I thought mummy won’t worry about this

Mummy said it was alright and I would see”

 

Cynthia said “well mummy while were parked

He went inside my blouse and undid my bra

I thought mummy won’t worry about this

Mummy said it was alright if he went that far”

 

Cynthia said “well mummy while were parked

He put his hand in my pants and touched me

I thought mummy won’t worry about this

Mummy said it was alright and I would see”

 

Cynthia said “well mummy while were parked

He lay me down and to get on top of me

I thought that’s not ok I mustn’t do that

Because mummy said she would worry”

 

“That’s a very good girl Cynthia well done

I’m very proud that you listened to me

Now tell me what happened next my dear”

“I got on top of him and let his mummy worry”

“Ai-Weh-Deh”

 

Gladys Aylward - Born February 24th 1902 - Died January 3rd 1970

  

She was born February twenty forth 1902

On the outskirts of London, the Oldest sister of two

Her Father was a postman and she also had a brother

Her hard work ethic and faith came from her mother

It was within the Anglican Church that she was raised

And her barely adequate schooling was hardly praised

 

When leaving school Gladys became a Domestic servant

Becoming a parlor maid when proved to be competent

While she was still a teenager, she read a magazine article

About China and the people who had never heard the Gospel

The thought that millions of people had not heard God's word

Affected Gladys profoundly and her conscience was stirred

 

It was while she was working in one rich West End manor

After many years of cleaning in luxurious library and parlor

She attended a revival meeting and the preacher spoke of

Humbly dedicating one's life to the service of God above 

Gladys responded to the message and her heart was full

She knew she was called to China to preach the Gospel

 

So, at the age of twenty-six Gladys became a probationer

At the London branch of the China Inland Mission Center

Gladys attended the school and trained to be a missionary

She passed the examination but still had to wait and see

After three months the mission agency broke the news

She was not considered qualified for service in their views

 

Undaunted she refused to accept it as the final decision

Serving god in other ways while nurturing her inner vision

Her inner sense of calling to China continued to obsess her

She just had to go with or without an agency to sponsor

Biding her time Gladys began to save her meager pay 

Remaining confident that God would help her find a way

 

Then she heard of a seventy-three-year-old missionary

Jeannie Lawson who needed some help to fetch and carry

She was looking for a younger woman to carry on her work

Hard working and devout a Christian who would not shirk

Gladys wrote to Jeannie Lawson and was accepted hence

If she could get to Yangcheng, China at her own expense

 

She did not have enough money for the journey by ship

But she might soon have enough for the train fare at a snip

Gladys knuckled down working every hour God sent her

To raise the remaining money for her third-class ticket fare

At last, she did it she could go to China at her own expense

With passport, Bible, her tickets, and two pounds nine pence

 

So, it was on October fifteenth nineteen thirty-two, a Saturday

At the age of thirty Gladys Aylward was finally on her way

The journey began from Liverpool street station in London

Traveling on the long and at times dangerous trans-Siberian

To make matters worse and make the journey more of a chore

The Soviet Union and China were engaged in undeclared war

 

Gladys had several narrow escapes in the midst of hostilities

And she was detained for a time in Russia due to formalities

Arriving in Vladivostok she had to sail from there to Japan

And then eventually board another ship and sail to Tientsin

Thence by train, then bus and finally mule, to her destination

The inland city of Yangcheng, in Shansi’s mountainous region

 

As if reaching China alone wasn’t enough of a feat to begin  

She was to assist a retired missionary woman to run an inn

Most of the Yangcheng residents had never seen Europeans

Now they had Jeannie Lawson and Gladys on their hands

Even Chinese were called foreigners who lived in the hills

The two women were distrusted and feared as foreign devils

 

Yangcheng was an overnight stop for the mule caravans

Carrying coal, raw cotton, iron goods and pots and pans

But before they could open up there was a great deal to do

And Gladys had to learn the language at least a word or two

Once they had made all necessary repairs in order to open

They laid in a good supply of food for mules and for men

 

When next a caravan came past the inn, Gladys dashed out,

Grabbed the rein of the lead mule and led it with a shout

Led into the inns yard the caravan followed without a fight

Mules knew that inn’s meant food and rest for the night

Once in the courtyard the muleteers had no choice but stay

Once mules found food the muleteers had to call it a day

 

The travelers were given good hot food and a warm bed

A standard price was charged, and the mules were well fed  

But they also had free entertainment, which wasn’t standard

In the form of bible stories, the best stories they’d ever heard

After a few weeks, Gladys did not need to kidnap customers

Caravans bypassed other inns preferring to stay at theirs

 

Some of the travelers became Christians and some did not

But Christians or not the wonderful stories they never forgot

They journeyed from between three months to six weeks

Through deep fertile valleys and along high craggy peaks

Stopping at many inns along the well-worn caravan trails

Muleteers retelling more or less accurately the Christian tales

 

Gladys continued to practice her Chinese for hours each day

And was becoming fluent and comfortable with it to convey

Then Jeannie Lawson fell from one of the Inn's balconies

And despite best efforts dying a few days later of her injuries

Gladys found herself left to continue the mission on her own

But for Yang the cook, a Chinese Christian, she was all alone

 

After Jeannie's death Gladys quickly became fluent in Chinese

The mission agencies had been sure she lacked the expertise

Despite disproving her doubters Gladys remained philosophical

Calling her great feat "one of God's great miracles" that’s all

So, the young English parlor maid and the old Chinese cook

Continued to serve up with dinner stories from the good book 

 

A few weeks after Jeannie's death Gladys met the Mandarin

He arrived in a sedan chair with impressive escort at the inn

He told her that the new reforming government had decreed

That from the practice of foot binding women should be freed

Now to be his foot-inspector she was needed by the mandarin

She could invade without scandal the quarter’s women lived in

 

China had observed the practice of binding feet for centuries

Amongst the women of the upper- and middle-class families

The custom involved wrapping the feet of girls during infancy

Tightly in bandages preventing them from developing naturally

Thus, grown women had extremely tiny feet, which then meant

They could take only slow tottering steps thought to be elegant

 

It was a God send that she would be a paid for foot inspecting

As the missionary service had withdrawn her meager funding

It was clear to them both that she was the only possible candidate

Gladys accepted the position and didn’t for a moment hesitate

With her own feet unbound she could travel the district easily

Spreading the Gospels as well as enforcing the government decree

 

During her second year in Yangcheng Gladys was summoned

By the Mandarin himself and to his palace she was beckoned 

At the palace she found the Mandarin with the prison warden

Looking in great distress as there was a riot at the men's prison

Many prisoners died and the guards were afraid to intervene

Gladys was asked to go with the warden and survey the scene

 

Convicts were rampaging about the prison’s bloody courtyards

Screaming like banshees and taunting the frightened guards

Gladys didn’t understand why she’d been asked to be there

It was because she preached that trust in Christ protected her

The warden implored her to enter the prison and stop the riot

She walked boldly into the courtyard and shouted: "Quiet!

 

Astonishingly when the small woman spoke the men fell silent

Spokesmen were nominated, the prisoner’s side to represent

The problems were not new, not enough food in their bellies

And too much time with which to occupy minds and bodies

After Gladys had talked with them, she spoke with the warden

Give these men paid work and they can feed themselves then

 

There was no money available for sweeping prison reforms

But someone donated some old looms for weaving uniforms

And a grindstone so that the men could work grinding grain

So, Gladys had proved herself to be invaluable once again

The people had a new name for her after what she had done

Calling her "Ai-Weh-Deh," which means "the Virtuous One."

 

Her courage during the Prison riot cemented her reputation

As a miracle worker and as a well-respected holy person

And in nineteen thirty-six Gladys became a Chinese citizen

And she was a regular and welcome guest of the Mandarin

The Mandarin liked Gladys but found her religion ridiculous

But found her conversation was stimulating and humorous

 

While sharing the Gospel in the surrounding village’s one day

She saw a woman begging with a small child by the roadway

The child covered with sores and suffering from malnutrition

It was clear she was not the mother after a brief conversation

The little girl was about five years old and could barely stand

She bought the child putting ninepence in the beggar’s hand

 

A year later, "Ninepence" with an abandoned boy following

And she said, "I will eat less, so that he can have something."

Thus Ai-Weh-Deh acquired a second orphan calling him "Less."

And so, her family slowly began to grow with great success

Gladys lived frugally and dressed like the people around her

Continuing her work both at the inn and as the foot inspector

 

Gladys began to take in more and more unwanted children 

Before too long she had twenty little ones living at the inn

Then the war came to Yangcheng in the spring of thirty-eight

And then very soon refugees began to arrive at the city gate

The Japanese planes came first and bombed the ancient city

Five days later they would be overrun by the Japanese army

 

The bombing was devastating and killed and injured many

The Mandarin gathered the survivors and told them to flee

They must retreat into the mountains at least for the duration

Hiding in the remote caves and villages and await liberation

So impressed was he in her life he wished to make it known

That because of Ai-Weh-Deh he would make her faith his own

 

There remained the problem of the convicts left in the jail

The mandarin consulted Gladys and good sense was to prevail

The traditional policy favored beheading them lest they run

But a plan for relatives to post a bond of guarantee finally won

Every man was eventually released on promise of good behavior

Yet again the virtuous one was to be the poor prisoner’s savior

 

As the war continued Gladys was often behind enemy lines

And passed on messages and information of many kinds

She became friends with "General Ley," a Catholic priest

A European who now led a large guerilla force in the east

Ley had taken up arms when the Japanese army had invaded

Supporting the Chinese army and fighting alone and unaided

 

Ley sent her a message “The Japanese are coming in full force

We are retreating. Come with us retreating is the only course”

She replied, "Christians never retreat!" I would rather be dead

He sent back a copy of a wanted poster with a price on her head

Discretion was perhaps the better part of valor she decided

And thought to flee to Sian with the orphans she’d accumulated

 

She was sad to leave Yangcheng home for so many years

After years of happiness, she resolved not to shed her tears

Her great love had helped many a poor child and refugee 

And many wounded soldiers had her to thank for her charity

Sometimes she amazed herself at the difference she’d made

Not bad for an adequately educated English parlor maid

 

Her orphans now numbered over one hundred of all ages

Who she had to get to one of Sian government orphanages

It was with reluctance Gladys had to leave her beloved inn

With a hail of bullets from her pursuers narrowly missing

While ducking into bushes with a coat wadded up as protection

The coat was found riddled with bullets after later inspection

 

Over a hundred children set off led by the devoted missionary

One orphaned child for every mile of the perilous journey

Surviving the long exhausting days and cold shivering nights

Crossing low barren valleys and over harsh mountain heights

They were headed for the relative safety of the province of Sian

Arriving twenty-seven days after their long journey had began

 

She brought her children safely into Sian and collapsed of fever

How had she made it? Doctors were amazed at her endeavor

This woman, who was suffering from pneumonia and malnutrition

Not to mention typhus, relapsing fever, and supreme exhaustion 

Overcome with fever Gladys sank into delirium for several days

When the fever broke, she returned to Yangcheng looking for strays

 

On the return journey Gladys was wounded by soldiers of Japan

Requiring another spell in hospital when she returned to Sian 

Once she regained her strength she began in this new region,

Sharing in the remote villages the gospels of her own religion

As her health gradually improved, she started a church in Sian

And worked everywhere even a colony for lepers in Szechuan

 

Her health was always impaired by her many war time injuries

And in forty-seven she returned to England for urgent surgery

She remained in England preaching but missing China horribly

Due to the communists, she was no longer welcome incredibly

Throughout her China years she characterized her ministry

As a humble dependence upon God in a steady stream of adversity

 

After ten years back in England, Gladys Aylward returned to Asia

But due to Communist rule was unable to settle in Mainland China

Though excluded from her adopted country she couldn’t stay away

So, she established refugee centers in both Hong Kong and Taipei

In nineteen fifty-eight Gladys founded an orphanage in Taiwan

Where on January third nineteen seventy God took the virtuous one

 

A book was written about Gladys Aylward in nineteen fifty-seven

The book was called “the small woman” and was in the top ten

The book was written by a man by the name of Alan Burgess

And was made into a movie “The Inn of The Sixth Happiness”

It was a constant thorn in her side offending her sensibilities

She was deeply embarrassed by it because of its inaccuracies

 

Hollywood also took great liberties suggesting an infatuation

With the Chinese Colonel Linnan, even making him Eurasian

But Gladys Aylward, the most chaste of women, was horrified

To learn the movie had portraying her in 'love scenes' had lied 

On hearing accounts, she could not be more full of condemnation

Suffering greatly over what she considered her soiled reputation

Sunday, 6 December 2020

WHO MADE MARIAN…?

 

In old Nottingham

    Shire in days of yore

There comes a tale

    Of old folk lore

A tale of outlaws

    And an evil prince

A well-known story

    Told often since

About outlaws living

    In the Greenwood

Who were ably led

    By Robbie the Hood

With Little Johnson

    And Friar Touch

William Scarletti

    And young Mad Much

Also Alan Airedale

   The minstrel man

And Robbie’s girl

    The fair Marian

The foe against whom

    Their wits were pitted

Was the evil Prince

    John the half-witted

The prince’s allies were

    Jonathon Starless

And the odious villain

    William the Friendless

A classic story of

    Right against might

But what was it

    That started the fight

According to legend

   This was the cause

While big king dick

   Was away at the wars

Killing foreigners and

   That kind of thing

Prince john had his eye

   On becoming the king

The truth to tell

   Is simpler than that

What started the fight

   Was gossip and chat

The question was

   Was her virtue laid?

And is Maid Marian 

    Any longer a maid

Saturday, 5 December 2020

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (018) An Ardennes Christmas

 

The next time you’re whining on about what a crap Christmas you had, because your mother in law over did it on the sherry and told everyone what she really thinks about you, or when your wife’s Uncle Stan spent Christmas afternoon asleep on the sofa breaking wind with monotonous regularity, or your brother’s new girlfriend, who kept hitting on your wife or your Gran who said “just a small dinner for me I don’t have much of an appetite” then spent the afternoon eating all the chocolate Brazils.

If this strikes a chord think again and spare a thought for the half a million or so men of the allied forces and six hundred thousand Germans who spent Christmas 1944 outside in the snow of the coldest winter in a generation in the Ardennes forest during the battle of the bulge.

Men like my father sheltering in foxholes scratched out of the frozen earth with no hot food or drink, unable to light fires for fear of giving their position away and regularly coming under enemy fire or being shelled, then once you’ve hewn out a decent sized foxhole and settled down into it out of the icy wind an order comes down the line for everyone to move out and you move a hundred yards or less and dig another hole.

Go and tell your petty gripes to that generation and see if you get any sympathy.

 

Friday, 4 December 2020

BEASTS IN THE MIST

They gather in the full moons light

On lonely roads at dead of night

With shinning eyes that pierce the mists

They prey on passing motorists


Sure, footed over rock and crag

A victim fresh to feast they drag

And all that’s left when feedings through

Is a baseball cap and a training shoe


No wolf or hound will prowl the moors

And ghosts and ghouls stay home indoors

So, when shrill screams disturb your sleep

Beware the Cumberland killer sheep