WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE ATE A HEALTHY DIET # 2
When I was young we ate a healthy diet
With plenty of fruit and vegetables
But we never thought of eating Seaweed
In fact we didn’t even know it was edible
WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 4
If on your travels you find a town
Which looks deserted, let’s say
It’s probably like that for a reason.
So take the hint and stay away
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 15
I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of well being
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“It’s a shame Page 47 of the manual was missing!”
THERE WAS ONCE A DUTCHMAN
There was once a Dutchman
Who made inflatable togs
It was a only a short career
But he popped his clogs
AN INSECT PACKER
He was interviewed for the job
Of an insect packer of bugs and thrips
He answered all the questions
And in the end boxed all the ticks
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 17
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And all the staff did was make me worse
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“No I said remove his spectacles nurse”
HOW WAS THE OP DOCTOR?
He woke up and said
“How was the op Doctor?”
“I’m not your Doctor,
I’m afraid, I’m St Peter”
WHEN TWO APPLE DEVICES
When two Apple devices
Interface when meeting
They don’t do a handshake
But do an iFive in greeting
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION
Failure is not an option
The salesman told me
But he didn’t say it came
As standard did he
MY COMPUTER IS LIKE
My computer is like
Air conditioning as it goes
It works perfectly well
Until I start opening windows
MR OHM WANTED TO MEET SOMEONE
Mr Ohm wanted to meet someone
And start a marital home
And he just couldn’t resistor
That’s why she’s now Mrs Ohm
MY SON HAS AN IPOD
My son has an iPod
His sister has an iPad
My wife has an iPhone
And its iPay for Dad
NOW I KNOW I’VE REACH ROCK BOTTOM
Now I know I’ve reach rock bottom
It must be due to my personality
I just got in my car and I discovered
And even the Satnav’s not talking to me
HE WAS FED UP WITH HIS DEVICE
He was fed up with his device
So in frustration without flinching
He dropped his iPad in the river
And it immediately started synching
MY SISTER WORKS IN THE IT DEPARTMENT
My sister works in the IT department
And got sacked for having dyslexia
Her boss told her to “unzip his files?”
She misunderstood and he sacked her
Wednesday, 2 August 2017
A Little Bit Of Humour # 144
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 14
I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“I think this blade is sharp enough, don't worry. “
WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 3
When there is a raging storm outside
And an intruder with murderous intent
And the power suddenly goes out
Do not go and search the basement
WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE ATE A HEALTHY DIET # 1
When I was young we ate a healthy diet
With plenty of fruit and vegetables
And we didn’t do it under sufferance
Apart from prunes which were medicinal
ST PATRICKS DAY IS ONE OF THE FEW
St Patricks Day is one of the very few
Acceptable times to wear body glitter
When you have a reasonable expectation
Of not being mistaken for a stripper
WHEN DID YOU LAST HAVE SEX
I asked “When did you last have sex?”
My uncle replied “1956”
“That long ago” I exclaimed “Wow”
And he said “it’s only 20.35 now
LAST YEAR I WENT ON HOLIDAY TO AUSTRALIA
Last year I went on holiday to Australia
And was asked by an immigration bore
“Do you have any criminal convictions?”
I said “I didn’t think I needed one anymore”
WHAT DO YOU CALL A SHEEP TIED UP
What do you call a sheep tied up
To a lamppost with a piece of string
Well it depends where you are
But some would see it as a sure thing
THE ITALIAN CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD
The Italian chicken crossed the road
Because he wouldn’t fight side by side
So that was the reason he crossed the road
In order to surrender to the other side
IS THERE ANYTHING WORN UNDER THE KILT?
Is there anything worn under the kilt?
An old lady asked Mr Lauder?
“No Madam there is not” he replied
“Everything is in perfect working order”
WHAT COULD THE POSSIBLE REASON BE
If a Britain was in the World Cup Final
What could the possible reason be
There is only one probable explanation
He would have to be the Referee
THE PRUSSIAN ARISTOCRACY
How do you think they got rid,
In days bygone,
Of the Prussian Aristocracy,
It was Von by Von
WHY DO THE FRENCH EAT SNAILS?
Why do the French eat snails?
It’s an odd habit, without being rude
The only explanation I can find
Is that the French don’t like fast food
AUSTRALIAN CULTURE
Being English we like to think that
Australians have no refinement at all
But today they are not without culture
They have Greek yogurt now after all
SOPHISTICATED NORTH AMERICANS
I had heard that there was such a thing
As sophisticated North Americans
And I have to admit when I heard that
I assumed they were talking about Canadians
WAS THE FIRST MAN ADAM, AN ENGLISHMAN?
Was the first man Adam, an Englishman?
There’s a question with which to grapple
As he was stood next to a naked woman
And he had thoughts only about the apple
I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“I think this blade is sharp enough, don't worry. “
WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 3
When there is a raging storm outside
And an intruder with murderous intent
And the power suddenly goes out
Do not go and search the basement
WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE ATE A HEALTHY DIET # 1
When I was young we ate a healthy diet
With plenty of fruit and vegetables
And we didn’t do it under sufferance
Apart from prunes which were medicinal
ST PATRICKS DAY IS ONE OF THE FEW
St Patricks Day is one of the very few
Acceptable times to wear body glitter
When you have a reasonable expectation
Of not being mistaken for a stripper
WHEN DID YOU LAST HAVE SEX
I asked “When did you last have sex?”
My uncle replied “1956”
“That long ago” I exclaimed “Wow”
And he said “it’s only 20.35 now
LAST YEAR I WENT ON HOLIDAY TO AUSTRALIA
Last year I went on holiday to Australia
And was asked by an immigration bore
“Do you have any criminal convictions?”
I said “I didn’t think I needed one anymore”
WHAT DO YOU CALL A SHEEP TIED UP
What do you call a sheep tied up
To a lamppost with a piece of string
Well it depends where you are
But some would see it as a sure thing
THE ITALIAN CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD
The Italian chicken crossed the road
Because he wouldn’t fight side by side
So that was the reason he crossed the road
In order to surrender to the other side
IS THERE ANYTHING WORN UNDER THE KILT?
Is there anything worn under the kilt?
An old lady asked Mr Lauder?
“No Madam there is not” he replied
“Everything is in perfect working order”
WHAT COULD THE POSSIBLE REASON BE
If a Britain was in the World Cup Final
What could the possible reason be
There is only one probable explanation
He would have to be the Referee
THE PRUSSIAN ARISTOCRACY
How do you think they got rid,
In days bygone,
Of the Prussian Aristocracy,
It was Von by Von
WHY DO THE FRENCH EAT SNAILS?
Why do the French eat snails?
It’s an odd habit, without being rude
The only explanation I can find
Is that the French don’t like fast food
AUSTRALIAN CULTURE
Being English we like to think that
Australians have no refinement at all
But today they are not without culture
They have Greek yogurt now after all
SOPHISTICATED NORTH AMERICANS
I had heard that there was such a thing
As sophisticated North Americans
And I have to admit when I heard that
I assumed they were talking about Canadians
WAS THE FIRST MAN ADAM, AN ENGLISHMAN?
Was the first man Adam, an Englishman?
There’s a question with which to grapple
As he was stood next to a naked woman
And he had thoughts only about the apple
A Little Bit Of Humour # 143
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 13
I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was coming around I heard someone say
“I hope this patient has already had a family”
WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 2
When it appears that you have succeeded
And the monster is lying dead
Do not for any reason go and check
Get the hell out of there instead
WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 2
When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a butcher
He added “I’m a mince Spy”
LAST NIGHT I WAS SHAKEN VIOLENTLY AWAKE
Last night I was shaken violently awake
So I thought it must be an earthquake
But I soon realised as my heart was soaring
It was just my wife telling me I was snoring
ONE DAY ON THE GOLF COURSE
One day on the golf course
I overturned my golf cart
A pretty woman came to assist
And I was attracted from the start
Elizabeth, was very attractive
And didn’t apportion blame
“Are you okay are you hurt?”
she asked “what's your name?”
“It’s Colin and I’m fine” I replied
And she invited me to her villa
which backed onto the course
“I'll help you with the cart later”
“That's kind of you,” I answered,
But my wife wouldn’t like it”
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted
“Just come in and rest for a bit”
She was very persuasive “okay,”
I agreed, “But my wife won't like it.”
After a stiff drink I said “Thank you
But I must go my wife will be upset.”
“She’ll understand” Elizabeth said
“Because you might have been hurt”
And asked “where is she by the way?”
And I replied “Under the cart!”
A LONELY FARMER DECIDED TO SEE A MOVIE
A lonely farmer decided to see a movie
And take his favourite Cockerel too
But he knew animals weren’t allowed
So he hid him down his pants, out of view
He bought a ticket, and went inside
And sat down next to two old widows
The movie started unbuttoning his fly
So the Cockerel could watch the show
And one widow whispered to the other
“The guy next to me has his thing out”
Her friend replied “Don’t be squeamish
It’s not your first nor the last no doubt,
And I’m sure you’ve seen bigger
When you’re at home watching porn”
“Well I’ve seen bigger” she agreed
“But I’ve not seen one eating my popcorn”
MY FIRST EXPERIENCE OF DRINKING COFFEE
My first experience of drinking Coffee
Was when I was a kid at school
It came in a bottle and tasted foul
“Camp” it was called and wasn’t cool
THEY DO VERY ODD THINGS WITH SPUDS
They do very odd things with spuds
Nowadays some of which seem crazy
When I was young people who didn't
Peel potatoes were regarded as lazy
INTERLOCUTOR RESPONSE
“Is it true if you’re asked a question
You answer with another question?”
A young man asked his new bride
“Who told you that?” she replied
HE DIALED 999
He dialed 999 and said.
“Send an ambulance, my wife is in Labour”
“Is this her first baby?” the operator asked
“No, this is her husband, Trevor”
THE ROADS WERE UNEVEN AND BUMPY
The roads were uneven and bumpy,
Potholed and rutted
Which is no more than what
You come to expect
Of a third world country
Unfortunately I was driving in Surrey
THE OVER 50 EXERCISE PLAN
With a 2kg potato bag in each hand,
Extend your arms straight out from your sides
And hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold
This position for just a bit longer on this plan.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.
Then try 25kg potato bags and eventually 50kg bags
When you are ready put a potato in each of the bags.
I DECIDED TO TAKE AN AEROBICS CLASS FOR SENIORS
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
And I had to gyrate, jump, twist and bend
And I sweated for an hour, but, by the time I got
My leotard on, the class was already at an end
ST PATRICKS DAY FANCY DRESS
My friend asked me
What I was going to be
For St Patricks Day
I said “Drunk will do me”
PEPERAMI IS A BIT OF AN ANIMAL
Peperami is a bit of an animal
Is the pitch the adverts hit
But its animal origins aside
I would like to know “what bit”
I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was coming around I heard someone say
“I hope this patient has already had a family”
WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 2
When it appears that you have succeeded
And the monster is lying dead
Do not for any reason go and check
Get the hell out of there instead
WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 2
When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a butcher
He added “I’m a mince Spy”
LAST NIGHT I WAS SHAKEN VIOLENTLY AWAKE
Last night I was shaken violently awake
So I thought it must be an earthquake
But I soon realised as my heart was soaring
It was just my wife telling me I was snoring
ONE DAY ON THE GOLF COURSE
One day on the golf course
I overturned my golf cart
A pretty woman came to assist
And I was attracted from the start
Elizabeth, was very attractive
And didn’t apportion blame
“Are you okay are you hurt?”
she asked “what's your name?”
“It’s Colin and I’m fine” I replied
And she invited me to her villa
which backed onto the course
“I'll help you with the cart later”
“That's kind of you,” I answered,
But my wife wouldn’t like it”
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted
“Just come in and rest for a bit”
She was very persuasive “okay,”
I agreed, “But my wife won't like it.”
After a stiff drink I said “Thank you
But I must go my wife will be upset.”
“She’ll understand” Elizabeth said
“Because you might have been hurt”
And asked “where is she by the way?”
And I replied “Under the cart!”
A LONELY FARMER DECIDED TO SEE A MOVIE
A lonely farmer decided to see a movie
And take his favourite Cockerel too
But he knew animals weren’t allowed
So he hid him down his pants, out of view
He bought a ticket, and went inside
And sat down next to two old widows
The movie started unbuttoning his fly
So the Cockerel could watch the show
And one widow whispered to the other
“The guy next to me has his thing out”
Her friend replied “Don’t be squeamish
It’s not your first nor the last no doubt,
And I’m sure you’ve seen bigger
When you’re at home watching porn”
“Well I’ve seen bigger” she agreed
“But I’ve not seen one eating my popcorn”
MY FIRST EXPERIENCE OF DRINKING COFFEE
My first experience of drinking Coffee
Was when I was a kid at school
It came in a bottle and tasted foul
“Camp” it was called and wasn’t cool
THEY DO VERY ODD THINGS WITH SPUDS
They do very odd things with spuds
Nowadays some of which seem crazy
When I was young people who didn't
Peel potatoes were regarded as lazy
INTERLOCUTOR RESPONSE
“Is it true if you’re asked a question
You answer with another question?”
A young man asked his new bride
“Who told you that?” she replied
HE DIALED 999
He dialed 999 and said.
“Send an ambulance, my wife is in Labour”
“Is this her first baby?” the operator asked
“No, this is her husband, Trevor”
THE ROADS WERE UNEVEN AND BUMPY
The roads were uneven and bumpy,
Potholed and rutted
Which is no more than what
You come to expect
Of a third world country
Unfortunately I was driving in Surrey
THE OVER 50 EXERCISE PLAN
With a 2kg potato bag in each hand,
Extend your arms straight out from your sides
And hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold
This position for just a bit longer on this plan.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.
Then try 25kg potato bags and eventually 50kg bags
When you are ready put a potato in each of the bags.
I DECIDED TO TAKE AN AEROBICS CLASS FOR SENIORS
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
And I had to gyrate, jump, twist and bend
And I sweated for an hour, but, by the time I got
My leotard on, the class was already at an end
ST PATRICKS DAY FANCY DRESS
My friend asked me
What I was going to be
For St Patricks Day
I said “Drunk will do me”
PEPERAMI IS A BIT OF AN ANIMAL
Peperami is a bit of an animal
Is the pitch the adverts hit
But its animal origins aside
I would like to know “what bit”
A Little Bit Of Humour # 142
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 12
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And was fearful the procedure would be a botch
And as I was coming around I heard someone say
“Did anyone see what I did with my watch?”
WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 1
When browsing the occult section
Of the library shelves
Never read aloud from a book
Of demon summoning spells
ARE YOU WEARING A BOILER SUIT?
Are you wearing a boiler suit?
Well it’s not the most flattering wear
But it does have a certain fascination as
I’m fascinated to know what’s under there
WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 1
When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a farmer
He added “I’m a shepherd Spy”
WHEN THE ALLSPICE SINGERS
When the allspice singers
Really went off the rails
Coryanda and star Anise
Had the Pepperatzi on their tails
A TEACHER HELD A SPELLING BEE
A teacher held a spelling bee and asked
“Kyle, how do you spell “crocodile?”“
“K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L” he said
“No, that's not the way to spell Crocodile”
Said the teacher “Maybe it’s wrong, but you
Asked me how I spell it” explained Kyle
THE PREFECT AND THE OIK
“Why are you always such a dirty little oik?”
The prefect asked
“You are the dirtiest pupil by far,
Look at me, I’m always clean and smart”
The boy replied
“I'm closer to the ground than you are”
INTERRUPTING ANNETTE
“Give me a sentence starting with “I”“
The teacher asked young Annette
“I is...” she began but teacher interrupted
“No, always say, “I am”, Annette”
The girl looked puzzled, but complied
“I am the ninth letter of the alphabet”
THE CAT ESSAY
The teacher said “your essay on “My cat”
Is exactly the same as your brother Matt’s,
Did you copy his work for your story?”
“No, miss, but it's the same cat” said Corey
ONE DIRECTION HAVE SPLIT UP
“One Direction” have split up
It seems nothing lasts these days
Ironically all the members
Have gone their separate ways
MY DEAR ELDERLY MOTHER
My dear elderly mother
Suffers with indigestion
Ironically her Gaviscon
Is on a repeat prescription
ARE YOU WEARING SPATS?
Are you wearing spats?
Like some old Chicago gangster
If you were told they were in vogue
Then you’re the butt of a prankster
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 385
“As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there!
He wasn't there again today,
Damn that was some good Mary J”
BOOTS THE CHEMIST SUNDAY OPENING
11am to 9pm the sign read
But the opening time was well past
And we were left out in the cold
And their apathy left me aghast
The signage needs to be amended
And a new sign should be tasked
Open “When we can be bothered”
Until “We can no longer be asked”
ST PATRICKS DAY IS AN EXCUSE
St Patrick’s Day is an excuse
For girls to dress inappropriately
That’s why St Patrick’s Day
Is the best holiday for me
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And was fearful the procedure would be a botch
And as I was coming around I heard someone say
“Did anyone see what I did with my watch?”
WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 1
When browsing the occult section
Of the library shelves
Never read aloud from a book
Of demon summoning spells
ARE YOU WEARING A BOILER SUIT?
Are you wearing a boiler suit?
Well it’s not the most flattering wear
But it does have a certain fascination as
I’m fascinated to know what’s under there
WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 1
When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a farmer
He added “I’m a shepherd Spy”
WHEN THE ALLSPICE SINGERS
When the allspice singers
Really went off the rails
Coryanda and star Anise
Had the Pepperatzi on their tails
A TEACHER HELD A SPELLING BEE
A teacher held a spelling bee and asked
“Kyle, how do you spell “crocodile?”“
“K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L” he said
“No, that's not the way to spell Crocodile”
Said the teacher “Maybe it’s wrong, but you
Asked me how I spell it” explained Kyle
THE PREFECT AND THE OIK
“Why are you always such a dirty little oik?”
The prefect asked
“You are the dirtiest pupil by far,
Look at me, I’m always clean and smart”
The boy replied
“I'm closer to the ground than you are”
INTERRUPTING ANNETTE
“Give me a sentence starting with “I”“
The teacher asked young Annette
“I is...” she began but teacher interrupted
“No, always say, “I am”, Annette”
The girl looked puzzled, but complied
“I am the ninth letter of the alphabet”
THE CAT ESSAY
The teacher said “your essay on “My cat”
Is exactly the same as your brother Matt’s,
Did you copy his work for your story?”
“No, miss, but it's the same cat” said Corey
ONE DIRECTION HAVE SPLIT UP
“One Direction” have split up
It seems nothing lasts these days
Ironically all the members
Have gone their separate ways
MY DEAR ELDERLY MOTHER
My dear elderly mother
Suffers with indigestion
Ironically her Gaviscon
Is on a repeat prescription
ARE YOU WEARING SPATS?
Are you wearing spats?
Like some old Chicago gangster
If you were told they were in vogue
Then you’re the butt of a prankster
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 385
“As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there!
He wasn't there again today,
Damn that was some good Mary J”
BOOTS THE CHEMIST SUNDAY OPENING
11am to 9pm the sign read
But the opening time was well past
And we were left out in the cold
And their apathy left me aghast
The signage needs to be amended
And a new sign should be tasked
Open “When we can be bothered”
Until “We can no longer be asked”
ST PATRICKS DAY IS AN EXCUSE
St Patrick’s Day is an excuse
For girls to dress inappropriately
That’s why St Patrick’s Day
Is the best holiday for me
Tales of Love # 29
OH TO FEEL LOVES EXQUISITE ACHE
Oh to feel loves exquisite ache
To feel that desperate longing
Experiencing that naked want
Of being with them again, and
Feeling so alive in the torment
While craving the next fix
Of that heady foaming brew
Which will satisfy the longing
And quench the thirst of desire.
And when that significant soul
Who holds my captive heart,
Is but a kiss and caress away
I am dragged from sorrows
Unfathomable despairing depths
And bitter anguish evaporates
Like dew under the morning sun
Until euphoria fills every pore
And in that perfect ecstasy
That blissful state of love
I remain until I am once again
Alone with my desperate longing
HAIR OF HENNA
Hair of Henna
Falls untamed
Over pale flesh
Stark in contrast
Like a crimson rose
Against bridal white
WHEN HARRY MET SALLY (Rewrite)
Harry's mind wandered
As he wended his way
Through crowded streets
To a special someone
Anna was his new love
And he would see her that night
As he hurried along
He could smell her hair
Feel the softness of her skin
He could even taste her
And he longed for her
As he remembered
Her smile, her kiss
Her writhing body
Then Harry stepped off the curb
Oblivious to the danger
And was struck
By a car unseen
Tossing him like a rag doll
Depositing him unceremoniously
Between car and gutter
His body lay broken
And bleeding
Where it came to rest
On the unforgiving street
And the last image in his mind
Was not the killer car
But Anna his new love
As his life ebbed away
His heart beat its last
The paramedic's best efforts
Were to no avail
A moment's carelessness
Had cost a young life
And his heart beat no more
In his broken body
But would beat once more
In another's chest
And reanimate
To bring new hope
To rekindle another's existence
Bringing a new beginning for Sally
Who, like a phoenix
Rises from the ashes
Of her frailty at the price
Of another families grief
THE OLD RUSTIC STILE
The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Still stands like a memorial
Marking that special place
Where the fates conspired
That our souls should meet
Though on that day
We purposely trod opposing paths
But met at that rustic spot
And to help you cross
I took hold of your hand,
Small and silken soft
Guiding you safely to my side
Where you stood on terra firma
And despite the presence
Of our companions
We were to all intents
Quite alone as we stood
Hand in hand and in the moment
When hand touched hand
We at once beheld
Our lives from that point on
Would be forever altered
Our future journeys
Would be as fellow travellers
And we were content
With a shared destiny
The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Stands like a monument
Marking the place of alteration
A significant place
A spiritual place
A place often revisited
And on such sojourns
We find romantic renewal
As the energizing memory
Of that special moment
Of love at first sight
Assails our senses
Essentially invigorating
Like imbibing the waters
From the fountain of youth
And our hearts once again
Resound with joyousness
Sweet moments of romance
Those excited tingles
Of loves first passion
When hearts beat faster
And desire courses
Through every fibre
The thrill of blossoming love
Adding to the strata
Of our love, laid down
Through all our years together
So by returning to the place
Of loves wondrous inception
We keep our love alive
And in equal measure
Love returns the favour
Oh to feel loves exquisite ache
To feel that desperate longing
Experiencing that naked want
Of being with them again, and
Feeling so alive in the torment
While craving the next fix
Of that heady foaming brew
Which will satisfy the longing
And quench the thirst of desire.
And when that significant soul
Who holds my captive heart,
Is but a kiss and caress away
I am dragged from sorrows
Unfathomable despairing depths
And bitter anguish evaporates
Like dew under the morning sun
Until euphoria fills every pore
And in that perfect ecstasy
That blissful state of love
I remain until I am once again
Alone with my desperate longing
HAIR OF HENNA
Hair of Henna
Falls untamed
Over pale flesh
Stark in contrast
Like a crimson rose
Against bridal white
WHEN HARRY MET SALLY (Rewrite)
Harry's mind wandered
As he wended his way
Through crowded streets
To a special someone
Anna was his new love
And he would see her that night
As he hurried along
He could smell her hair
Feel the softness of her skin
He could even taste her
And he longed for her
As he remembered
Her smile, her kiss
Her writhing body
Then Harry stepped off the curb
Oblivious to the danger
And was struck
By a car unseen
Tossing him like a rag doll
Depositing him unceremoniously
Between car and gutter
His body lay broken
And bleeding
Where it came to rest
On the unforgiving street
And the last image in his mind
Was not the killer car
But Anna his new love
As his life ebbed away
His heart beat its last
The paramedic's best efforts
Were to no avail
A moment's carelessness
Had cost a young life
And his heart beat no more
In his broken body
But would beat once more
In another's chest
And reanimate
To bring new hope
To rekindle another's existence
Bringing a new beginning for Sally
Who, like a phoenix
Rises from the ashes
Of her frailty at the price
Of another families grief
THE OLD RUSTIC STILE
The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Still stands like a memorial
Marking that special place
Where the fates conspired
That our souls should meet
Though on that day
We purposely trod opposing paths
But met at that rustic spot
And to help you cross
I took hold of your hand,
Small and silken soft
Guiding you safely to my side
Where you stood on terra firma
And despite the presence
Of our companions
We were to all intents
Quite alone as we stood
Hand in hand and in the moment
When hand touched hand
We at once beheld
Our lives from that point on
Would be forever altered
Our future journeys
Would be as fellow travellers
And we were content
With a shared destiny
The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Stands like a monument
Marking the place of alteration
A significant place
A spiritual place
A place often revisited
And on such sojourns
We find romantic renewal
As the energizing memory
Of that special moment
Of love at first sight
Assails our senses
Essentially invigorating
Like imbibing the waters
From the fountain of youth
And our hearts once again
Resound with joyousness
Sweet moments of romance
Those excited tingles
Of loves first passion
When hearts beat faster
And desire courses
Through every fibre
The thrill of blossoming love
Adding to the strata
Of our love, laid down
Through all our years together
So by returning to the place
Of loves wondrous inception
We keep our love alive
And in equal measure
Love returns the favour
Tales of Love # 28
THAT RAINY SUNDAY
It’s a rainy Sunday
And I’m feeling blue
Remembering the past
And thinking of you
Do you happily look back?
Across the years
Or do you view them
Through bitter tears
Do you ever think of me?
Just once in a while
With a furrowed brow
Or rueful smile
You thought our love
Would last an eternity
But I was quite happy
Just to wait and see
I just wanted us
To enjoy the laughter
But what you wanted
Was happy ever after
I loved you so much more
Than I would ever say
When we broke up
On that rainy Sunday
When you asked me
I should have said
“I really do love you”
I just shrugged instead
I wish I could go back
To that rainy Sunday
I would get on my knees
And beg you to stay
HAIR OF GREY
Hair of grey
Falls untamed
Over blemished skin
In perfect complement
To graceful aging
And timeless beauty
THE BAD NEWS CAME
The news came,
As bad news does,
Out of the blue
At break neck speed
And hit me like a train
With deaths hateful sting
Numbing me to the core
Leaving me speechless
And too arid even to cry
Until the pain burst through
Bringing forth the bitter tears
As despair washed over me
Until I was drowning in sadness.
I sank in its frigid waters
To the depths of my soul
So bitter was the news
The loss so acute
I was broken in two
Lying beaten on the ground
I could feel no worse
I could sink no lower
Then like kicking an injured dog
I was struck by remorse
Like a tidal wave
A tsunami of regret
Knocking me off my feet
Why didn’t I tell her?
Why didn’t I say?
“I love you too”
LIFE’S SOJOURN
I held your hand
Though you did not know it
And I remembered
The first time I held it
That august day so long ago
When the magic passed between us
And I knew I had found my mate
It was such an innocuous action,
We were on the train
Two travelling strangers
As it rattled its way through Surrey
You were just getting to your feet
When the train lurched
And you fell back with a bump
I offered you my hand
Which you took and the die was cast
Our journey together began
Now your journey is nearly at its end
And I sit in vigil at your side
Where I will remain
Until life leaves your body
On that quiet final breath
And you make the next journey alone
I said to you when we were young
“I would love you all of your life"
And when you were still you,
Before the morphine took hold of you
You reminded me of it and said to me
“Will you still love me all of my life?”
With a crack in my voice I replied
“No I’ll love you for all of mine”
THE OLD RUSTIC STILE
The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Still stands like a memorial
Marking that special place
Where the fates conspired
That our souls should meet
Though on that day
We purposely trod opposing paths
But met at that rustic spot
And to help you cross
I took hold of your hand,
Small and silken soft
Guiding you safely to my side
Where you stood on terra firma
And despite the presence
Of our companions
We were to all intents
Quite alone as we stood
Hand in hand and in the moment
When hand touched hand
We at once beheld
Our lives from that point on
Would be forever altered
Our future journeys
Would be as fellow travellers
And we were content
With a shared destiny
The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Stands like a monument
Marking the place of alteration
A significant place
A spiritual place
A place often revisited
And on such sojourns
We find romantic renewal
As the energizing memory
Of that special moment
Of love at first sight
Assails our senses
Essentially invigorating
Like imbibing the waters
From the fountain of youth
And our hearts once again
Resound with joyousness
Sweet moments of romance
Those excited tingles
Of loves first passion
When hearts beat faster
And desire courses
Through every fibre
The thrill of blossoming love
Adding to the strata
Of our love, laid down
Through all our years together
So by returning to the place
Of loves wondrous inception
We keep our love alive
And in equal measure
Love returns the favour
It’s a rainy Sunday
And I’m feeling blue
Remembering the past
And thinking of you
Do you happily look back?
Across the years
Or do you view them
Through bitter tears
Do you ever think of me?
Just once in a while
With a furrowed brow
Or rueful smile
You thought our love
Would last an eternity
But I was quite happy
Just to wait and see
I just wanted us
To enjoy the laughter
But what you wanted
Was happy ever after
I loved you so much more
Than I would ever say
When we broke up
On that rainy Sunday
When you asked me
I should have said
“I really do love you”
I just shrugged instead
I wish I could go back
To that rainy Sunday
I would get on my knees
And beg you to stay
HAIR OF GREY
Hair of grey
Falls untamed
Over blemished skin
In perfect complement
To graceful aging
And timeless beauty
THE BAD NEWS CAME
The news came,
As bad news does,
Out of the blue
At break neck speed
And hit me like a train
With deaths hateful sting
Numbing me to the core
Leaving me speechless
And too arid even to cry
Until the pain burst through
Bringing forth the bitter tears
As despair washed over me
Until I was drowning in sadness.
I sank in its frigid waters
To the depths of my soul
So bitter was the news
The loss so acute
I was broken in two
Lying beaten on the ground
I could feel no worse
I could sink no lower
Then like kicking an injured dog
I was struck by remorse
Like a tidal wave
A tsunami of regret
Knocking me off my feet
Why didn’t I tell her?
Why didn’t I say?
“I love you too”
LIFE’S SOJOURN
I held your hand
Though you did not know it
And I remembered
The first time I held it
That august day so long ago
When the magic passed between us
And I knew I had found my mate
It was such an innocuous action,
We were on the train
Two travelling strangers
As it rattled its way through Surrey
You were just getting to your feet
When the train lurched
And you fell back with a bump
I offered you my hand
Which you took and the die was cast
Our journey together began
Now your journey is nearly at its end
And I sit in vigil at your side
Where I will remain
Until life leaves your body
On that quiet final breath
And you make the next journey alone
I said to you when we were young
“I would love you all of your life"
And when you were still you,
Before the morphine took hold of you
You reminded me of it and said to me
“Will you still love me all of my life?”
With a crack in my voice I replied
“No I’ll love you for all of mine”
THE OLD RUSTIC STILE
The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Still stands like a memorial
Marking that special place
Where the fates conspired
That our souls should meet
Though on that day
We purposely trod opposing paths
But met at that rustic spot
And to help you cross
I took hold of your hand,
Small and silken soft
Guiding you safely to my side
Where you stood on terra firma
And despite the presence
Of our companions
We were to all intents
Quite alone as we stood
Hand in hand and in the moment
When hand touched hand
We at once beheld
Our lives from that point on
Would be forever altered
Our future journeys
Would be as fellow travellers
And we were content
With a shared destiny
The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Stands like a monument
Marking the place of alteration
A significant place
A spiritual place
A place often revisited
And on such sojourns
We find romantic renewal
As the energizing memory
Of that special moment
Of love at first sight
Assails our senses
Essentially invigorating
Like imbibing the waters
From the fountain of youth
And our hearts once again
Resound with joyousness
Sweet moments of romance
Those excited tingles
Of loves first passion
When hearts beat faster
And desire courses
Through every fibre
The thrill of blossoming love
Adding to the strata
Of our love, laid down
Through all our years together
So by returning to the place
Of loves wondrous inception
We keep our love alive
And in equal measure
Love returns the favour
Tales of Love # 27
ABIGAIL’S TALE
In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into an oversized sofa
Sits Abigail, homesick and sad
As she reads a letter from home
She knows the sadness will pass
And sooner this time than the last
It strikes each time she hears from home
With news from those she left behind
Her parents, always loving and kind
Her baby sister, annoyingly lovely
All of her friends of long standing
And of course him, the reason she left
She left her home and those she loved,
The only place she had ever lived
After her marriage dismally failed
So she is building a new life for herself
Away from the people she loves
And the places and all the familiarity
The things that reminded her daily
Of her failure and her inadequacies
So Abigail lives far away in a new town
And she is making new friends
Discovering new places that will be familiar
As she tries to forget past mistakes
She has joined a new church in town
A new congregation, where her angels voice
Can sing loudly in praise to heaven
And she is finding peace within herself
And one day very soon, Abigail will sit
In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into an oversized sofa
And not be desperately homesick and sad
One day very soon Abigail will read
A long rambling letter from home
And smile at it familiar contents
And she will not feel the old pain strike
One day very soon in her new home
Abigail will allow herself be happy
One day very soon in her new home town
Abigail will forgive herself
HAIR OF TITIAN
Hair of Titian
Tumbles unchecked
Falling untamed
Over pale flesh
Like autumn leaves
Stark in contrast
Like blood drops
On a fall of snow
SHOULD I RUN?
I ask myself
Should I run to you?
And keep our secret tryst
For that sweet joy
Of being kissed
I ask myself
Should I run from you?
And protect my heart
But endure the pain
Of being apart
So I must ask myself
What joy exists
In sterile safety
Compared to being kissed
So I run to you
To the love and chemistry
And drown myself
In your sweet serenity
THOSE JOYFUL DAYS
Gone now is that joyful day
When we stood before God
Humble in his blessed presence
And we were joined as one
When everything lay ahead of us
Gone are those joyful days
Full of love and laughter
Days of tender moments
And heady nights of passion
When everything lay ahead of us
Gone are those joyful days
When we walked along the shore line
Happy, carefree and in love,
As we walked hand in hand
And everything lay ahead of us
Gone are those joyful days
When God blessed our union
And delivered perfect joy into our lives
As our little family grew
And we had everything we desired
Gone are those joyful days
When your smile lit up my life
And my heart overflowed with love for you
Before it was broken in two
And everything was taken from me
Gone are the joyful days
Since you have gone ahead of me
Now God has you by his side
And I will miss you until that day
When God has reunited us
I look forward to that joyful day
When we stand once more together
But though my heart is broken
I must delay our reunion
Our sweet children need me
And I must love them double now
GOLDEN LOVE
It was fifty years ago when I first saw her
When I fell for her beauty and her charm
And now in the autumn of our years
I’m still proud to have her on my arm
How long ago it was when we were young
When every minute we were parted
Was full of angst, agonies and torment
And time alone left us broken hearted
Now I could compose symphonies
And write lofty ballads to her name
I could write the sweetest love songs
And never express what are love became
I would have crossed the wildest seas
And walked on coals to be at her side
I would have slain the fiercest dragon
And fought duals to win her as my bride
I proclaimed my love to her as everlasting
And told her we would always be together
Through thick and thin, good times and bad
Through the calm and stormy weather
My heart soared as the church bells rang
When at the alter she stood and said I do
Now after fifty summers and winters
The love I proclaimed still holds true
In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into an oversized sofa
Sits Abigail, homesick and sad
As she reads a letter from home
She knows the sadness will pass
And sooner this time than the last
It strikes each time she hears from home
With news from those she left behind
Her parents, always loving and kind
Her baby sister, annoyingly lovely
All of her friends of long standing
And of course him, the reason she left
She left her home and those she loved,
The only place she had ever lived
After her marriage dismally failed
So she is building a new life for herself
Away from the people she loves
And the places and all the familiarity
The things that reminded her daily
Of her failure and her inadequacies
So Abigail lives far away in a new town
And she is making new friends
Discovering new places that will be familiar
As she tries to forget past mistakes
She has joined a new church in town
A new congregation, where her angels voice
Can sing loudly in praise to heaven
And she is finding peace within herself
And one day very soon, Abigail will sit
In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into an oversized sofa
And not be desperately homesick and sad
One day very soon Abigail will read
A long rambling letter from home
And smile at it familiar contents
And she will not feel the old pain strike
One day very soon in her new home
Abigail will allow herself be happy
One day very soon in her new home town
Abigail will forgive herself
HAIR OF TITIAN
Hair of Titian
Tumbles unchecked
Falling untamed
Over pale flesh
Like autumn leaves
Stark in contrast
Like blood drops
On a fall of snow
SHOULD I RUN?
I ask myself
Should I run to you?
And keep our secret tryst
For that sweet joy
Of being kissed
I ask myself
Should I run from you?
And protect my heart
But endure the pain
Of being apart
So I must ask myself
What joy exists
In sterile safety
Compared to being kissed
So I run to you
To the love and chemistry
And drown myself
In your sweet serenity
THOSE JOYFUL DAYS
Gone now is that joyful day
When we stood before God
Humble in his blessed presence
And we were joined as one
When everything lay ahead of us
Gone are those joyful days
Full of love and laughter
Days of tender moments
And heady nights of passion
When everything lay ahead of us
Gone are those joyful days
When we walked along the shore line
Happy, carefree and in love,
As we walked hand in hand
And everything lay ahead of us
Gone are those joyful days
When God blessed our union
And delivered perfect joy into our lives
As our little family grew
And we had everything we desired
Gone are those joyful days
When your smile lit up my life
And my heart overflowed with love for you
Before it was broken in two
And everything was taken from me
Gone are the joyful days
Since you have gone ahead of me
Now God has you by his side
And I will miss you until that day
When God has reunited us
I look forward to that joyful day
When we stand once more together
But though my heart is broken
I must delay our reunion
Our sweet children need me
And I must love them double now
GOLDEN LOVE
It was fifty years ago when I first saw her
When I fell for her beauty and her charm
And now in the autumn of our years
I’m still proud to have her on my arm
How long ago it was when we were young
When every minute we were parted
Was full of angst, agonies and torment
And time alone left us broken hearted
Now I could compose symphonies
And write lofty ballads to her name
I could write the sweetest love songs
And never express what are love became
I would have crossed the wildest seas
And walked on coals to be at her side
I would have slain the fiercest dragon
And fought duals to win her as my bride
I proclaimed my love to her as everlasting
And told her we would always be together
Through thick and thin, good times and bad
Through the calm and stormy weather
My heart soared as the church bells rang
When at the alter she stood and said I do
Now after fifty summers and winters
The love I proclaimed still holds true
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