A Little Bit Of Humour # 127

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 376

Oh, do you know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Oh, do you know the muffin man,
He’s the one in the muffin top

IF THE SINGULAR IS THIS

If the singular is this
And the plural is these,
Why isn’t the plural of kiss
Ever referred to as kese?

PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 2

Procrastination is the thief of time
And our span of time is so brief
So because I dithered I can’t reply
To the question “where's the beef”

PUT DOWN # 62

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Did you just fall from heaven?”
Take a breath and pause for a bit
Then reply “Yes I fell from heaven
But then I landed on a soft shit?”

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 4

My son jokes about my age
He really keeps going on and on
He says that when I was at school
I was best friends with Nelson

WHY DID THE LION CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the Lion cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was to get to the other pride

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 2

The sorcerer’s apprentice
Wasn’t there for tutorage
He was only interested in
The Sorcerer's Appendage

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 2

Disney have got into porn
Namely with the Brothers Grimm
It’s to be an ensemble piece
Entitled The Brother's Quim

PETER PAN IS A BIT OF A GAY ICON

Peter Pan is a bit of a gay icon
As he disrupts the pirates shanties
But that’s not even his real name
He was baptized as Peter Panties

WHY DID THE ONE HANDED MAN

Why did the one handed man
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop

SEX TOY STORY

Her husband had a Woody
But that didn’t impress her
So she went and got Buzz
Out of the drawer in her dresser

ON MY BED AT HOME # 2

On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m overweight
Which causes me great distress

A Little Bit Of Humour # 126

SO IF IT IS CORRECT THAT ONE # 2

So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular cat
Would in the plural
Be cats and never cose

FOR MY POOR DELUDED FATHER

For my poor deluded father
The men in white coats beaconed
He thought he was a chocolate orange
So now he’s been sectioned

I CAN’T COUNT TO TEN IN FRENCH

I can’t count to ten in French
It’s impossible for me
I can only count to seven
Because I have a huit allergy

JOLLY

To be politically correct
We must call fat people, jolly
And the really fat people
Have to be called morbidly jolly

I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 1

I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake fresh at cock crow
I just wish it would remember me
As I was at least twenty years ago

PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 1

Procrastination is the thief of time,
There’s no truer saying without a doubt
And as a result of my dithering
I still don’t know “who let the dogs out”

PUT DOWN # 61

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
So if you tire of unwanted attention
Just tell him you’re incompatible
and if he questions your remark
Say it’s because you’re not inflatable

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 3

My son jokes about my age
His humour is frankly, not
He says my first license
Was for driving a chariot

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 378

Jack be Nimble,
Jack be quick,
But please don’t play
With your candle stick

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 1

Snow White thought
7-Up was just a drink
But meeting the dwarves
Caused her to rethink

DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 1

Disney have got into porn
And the first film to be made
Is a remake of a classic
Renamed “The Little Sperm Maid”

ON MY BED AT HOME # 1

On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m over sixty
Which causes me great distress

SWEET HONEY BEE

Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss you
And your honeyed words
Well-crafted and poignant
Even finding humour
On your sad journey

Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss your
Tireless support for others,
Less talented than you
Such as I, with your
Patient kind encouragement

Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss you
Now the world is a sadder place
Without you in it
But the eternal meadow
Is now graced with another Honey Bee



For Deborah

A Little Bit Of Humour # 125

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 375

Star light, star bright,
No I don’t want to tonight
If truth be told, alright
I think stargazing is shite

WHEN WE SPEAK OF A BROTHER

When we speak of a brother
We can also speak of brethren,
But although we say Mother,
I have never heard said, Methren

MY UNCLE GOT CAUGHT STEALING AGAIN

My uncle got caught stealing again
It’s an occupation hazard by and large
This time it was luxury toilet rolls
And he pleaded quilty to the charge

ON THE JOURNEY TO WORK

On the journey to work
I had a nightmare
But I woke up before I ran
Anyone down to be fair

THE SIGN IN THE LAYBY READ

The sign in the layby read
“No dumping” it was hard to miss
But luckily it didn’t apply to me
Because I only needed a piss

THERE WAS AN IRRITATING WHINING SOUND

There was an irritating whining sound
As I was driving to work today
I ignored it and drove on into town
To drop my wife off and then it was ok

DO YOU WANT TO SEE A NAKED HARPIST

“Do you want to see a naked harpist?”
I was asked and of course replied yes please
But I was told that I mustn’t touch the harp
Because of the risk of catching harpies

I ONCE WENT OUT WITH A HARPIST

I once went out with a harpist
Who played it naked, except for specs
She wasn’t very good but afterwards
We had No strings attached sex

I PICKED UP A TRAY OF LAMB CHOPS

I picked up a tray of Lamb chops
Labelled “Reared in Wales” in the shop
I refused to buy them on the basis
That I thought that was a bit racist

MY NEIGHBOURS ARE OBNOXIOUS

My neighbours are obnoxious, rude
And loud and they’re doing in my cranium
They are so intolerable that I finally
Know, what it must be like to be a Canadian

I GOT CHATTING ON THE EURO STAR

I got chatting on the Euro Star
And I really rather enjoyed it
First I made a Belgian waffle
And then a Frenchman talk shit

A Little Bit Of Humour # 124

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 374

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t’ve oughter
Now she has a dose of chlamydia
And Jack has trouble passing water

IF THE MASCULINE PRONOUNS

If the masculine pronouns
Are he, his and him
Why then is it the feminine
Are not she, shis and shim

THE OBESITY TIME BOMB

The media keep talking about
An obesity time bomb
Well I hope I’m nowhere nearby
When it goes off chum

THERE’S BEEN A LOT OF TALK LATELY

There’s been a lot of talk lately
In the media about blue on blue
But it shouldn’t be a surprise
Because that’s Smurf porn for you

LUXEMBOURG IS A MUCH SMALLER COUNTRY

Luxembourg is a much smaller country
But nonetheless in a tournament year
They share something with England
Which is their FIFA Ranking I fear

WE MUST REWRITE THE HISTORY BOOKS

We must rewrite the history books
King Tut was not really Egyptian
Dad was a Scot, his Mum Spanish
And he was named Tartan Carmen

A MAJOR FIRE CAUSED PANIC

A major fire caused panic
And was causing great harm
It was in the aroma candle factory
So things soon became calm

I REGULARLY DONATE BLOOD

I regularly donate blood
So I feel I’m doing my bit
But for some of the donor’s
It’s like self-harm for a biscuit

SHE SAID SHE WAS A BUSH DOCTOR

I completely misunderstood
But then I was a bit pissed
She said she was a Bush Doctor
So I thought “she’s a gynaecologist”

CHAMPAGNE TO YOUR REAL FRIENDS?

Champagne to your real friends?
And real pain to your sham friends?
Well that’s Not my idea of friends

I MISUNDERSTOOD ABOUT PPI

I misunderstood about PPI
And I really feel such a fool
I thought you got it if you didn’t
Wear your goggles at the pool

WHEN WE REACHED CRUISING ALTITUDE

When we reached cruising altitude
As we headed for another continent
The cabin light dimmed to enhance,
The appearance of our flight attendant

A Little Bit Of Humour # 123

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 373

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
The former was a grump
But the latter was a charmer

SO IF IT IS CORRECT THAT ONE # 1

So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular hat
Would in the plural
Be hats and never hose


THE LVG WAY

Your team should always have a plan “B”
In modern football you would have to say
Unfortunately for Manchester United though
Louis van Gaal doesn’t have a plan “A”

YESTERDAY I WENT TO SEE THE DOCTOR

Yesterday I went to see the doctor
Because I was feeling like hell
And he said, “You've got hypochondria”
“Oh no” I said “Not that as well”

WE WERE EATING AT AN INDIAN RESTAURANT

We were eating at an Indian restaurant
When we received news of the trauma
We all found it very distressing
My naan had slipped into a Korma

MY NEIGHBOUR STOLE MY SHOES

My neighbour stole my shoes
He’s the nicest man you could meet
I was going to confront him?
But at the last minute I got cold feet

WHEN I WAS STILL A LITTLE KID

When I was still a little kid
I thought my grandad was a hero
Because he was Lollipop man
And I thought that was a superhero

MY GRANDAD WAS KILLED BY A ZULU

I was always led to believe that
My grandad was killed by a Zulu
But he was killed when the roof
Collapsed in a London Zoo Loo

I LEARNED COUNTING USING DRIED SEMOLINA

I learned counting using dried semolina
Everything else was superfluous
It’s the way we used to do it in Morocco
It was what we call our Abacouscous

I’M PAST MY SELL BY DATE

According to my wife
I’m past my sell by date
But for my children,
I’ve not passed my use by date

MR ONION TOLD A JOKE IN CLASS

Mr Onion told a joke in class
He’s a bore so I don’t know why
But he told it anyway and we
didn’t know Whether to laugh or cry

BURNING ALL HER BILLS

My next-door neighbour
At number ninety two
Has been burning all her bills
But, that’s Bernadette for you

A Little Bit Of Humour # 122

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 372

Star light, star bright,
The first star I saw tonight
Was truly an epic fail
It was a z-lister from Emmerdale

THE HOUSE MOUSE RULE

If in your home sweet home
You find a solitary mouse
Then it is perfectly acceptable
To call it a house mouse
But if in your home sweet home
You find that you have mice
Then it is quite unacceptable
To refer to them as hice mice

THE WAITRESS ASKED “DO YOU HAVE

The waitress asked “Do you have
Any questions about the menu?”
My brother in law replied
“Is this font courier new?”

THERE IS A SIMPLE TRUTH IN LIFE

There is a simple truth in life
And it’s an honest admission
It is much easier to apologize
Than it is to ask permission

I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED

I have always believed
That it’s quite absurd
That “abbreviation”
Is such a long word

THE SMELL OF BOOKS

I think that the people who say they
Love the smell of books are jerks
Because it’s perfectly clearly they
Don’t know how reading books works

THERE IS ALWAYS SO MUCH PRESSURE

There is always so much pressure
To be with people on a holiday
But if there was only one
On which to go your own way
Then that one would of course be
On Independence Day

FORTUNE COOKIE

When you’ve finished your dinner
A fortune cookie would suit yer
But if there is no fortune in it
That means you don’t have a future

THE INVENTOR OF THE ALLEN KEY

The inventor of the Allen key
Made nothing off it
Despite the fact that
It certainly turned a profit

IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 2

If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then a solo is a lonesome

I VISIT MY GRANDAD REGULARLY

I visit my grandad regularly
Even though he’s a little daft
He has the windows open when
He makes me play draughts

APPARENTLY A GOOD COMPOST HEAP SHOULD

Apparently a good compost heap should
Get hot enough to poach an egg on it,
But not so hot it would cook a lobster
Well poached or not I am not eating it

MY HUSBAND IS LIKE A PETROL MOWER

My husband is like a petrol mower
Although he is considerably slower
They are both difficult to get started
Emit foul smells when they’ve farted
And are normally caked in grime
And they only work half the time

I'M A GARDENER AND I'M OK

I'm a gardener and I'm ok
I sleep in the allotment shed all day
I dress in comfy clothing,
That my wife would throw away
Oh I'm happy on the allotment
As I’m not in her way

(Sung to the tune of Monty Python's “I'm a Lumberjack”)

FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 2

Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy deadlock