SO IF IT IS CORRECT THAT ONE # 2
So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular cat
Would in the plural
Be cats and never cose
FOR MY POOR DELUDED FATHER
For my poor deluded father
The men in white coats beaconed
He thought he was a chocolate orange
So now he’s been sectioned
I CAN’T COUNT TO TEN IN FRENCH
I can’t count to ten in French
It’s impossible for me
I can only count to seven
Because I have a huit allergy
JOLLY
To be politically correct
We must call fat people, jolly
And the really fat people
Have to be called morbidly jolly
I HAVE A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS # 1
I have a memory foam mattress
And I awake fresh at cock crow
I just wish it would remember me
As I was at least twenty years ago
PROCRASTINATION IS THE THIEF OF TIME # 1
Procrastination is the thief of time,
There’s no truer saying without a doubt
And as a result of my dithering
I still don’t know “who let the dogs out”
PUT DOWN # 61
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
So if you tire of unwanted attention
Just tell him you’re incompatible
and if he questions your remark
Say it’s because you’re not inflatable
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 3
My son jokes about my age
His humour is frankly, not
He says my first license
Was for driving a chariot
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 378
Jack be Nimble,
Jack be quick,
But please don’t play
With your candle stick
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 1
Snow White thought
7-Up was just a drink
But meeting the dwarves
Caused her to rethink
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 1
Disney have got into porn
And the first film to be made
Is a remake of a classic
Renamed “The Little Sperm Maid”
ON MY BED AT HOME # 1
On my bed at home I have
A deluxe memory foam mattress
But it remembers I’m over sixty
Which causes me great distress
Wednesday, 7 September 2016
Wednesday, 22 June 2016
SWEET HONEY BEE
Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss you
And your honeyed words
Well-crafted and poignant
Even finding humour
On your sad journey
Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss your
Tireless support for others,
Less talented than you
Such as I, with your
Patient kind encouragement
Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss you
Now the world is a sadder place
Without you in it
But the eternal meadow
Is now graced with another Honey Bee
For Deborah
How we will miss you
And your honeyed words
Well-crafted and poignant
Even finding humour
On your sad journey
Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss your
Tireless support for others,
Less talented than you
Such as I, with your
Patient kind encouragement
Sweet Honey Bee
How we will miss you
Now the world is a sadder place
Without you in it
But the eternal meadow
Is now graced with another Honey Bee
For Deborah
A Little Bit Of Humour # 125
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 375
Star light, star bright,
No I don’t want to tonight
If truth be told, alright
I think stargazing is shite
WHEN WE SPEAK OF A BROTHER
When we speak of a brother
We can also speak of brethren,
But although we say Mother,
I have never heard said, Methren
MY UNCLE GOT CAUGHT STEALING AGAIN
My uncle got caught stealing again
It’s an occupation hazard by and large
This time it was luxury toilet rolls
And he pleaded quilty to the charge
ON THE JOURNEY TO WORK
On the journey to work
I had a nightmare
But I woke up before I ran
Anyone down to be fair
THE SIGN IN THE LAYBY READ
The sign in the layby read
“No dumping” it was hard to miss
But luckily it didn’t apply to me
Because I only needed a piss
THERE WAS AN IRRITATING WHINING SOUND
There was an irritating whining sound
As I was driving to work today
I ignored it and drove on into town
To drop my wife off and then it was ok
DO YOU WANT TO SEE A NAKED HARPIST
“Do you want to see a naked harpist?”
I was asked and of course replied yes please
But I was told that I mustn’t touch the harp
Because of the risk of catching harpies
I ONCE WENT OUT WITH A HARPIST
I once went out with a harpist
Who played it naked, except for specs
She wasn’t very good but afterwards
We had No strings attached sex
I PICKED UP A TRAY OF LAMB CHOPS
I picked up a tray of Lamb chops
Labelled “Reared in Wales” in the shop
I refused to buy them on the basis
That I thought that was a bit racist
MY NEIGHBOURS ARE OBNOXIOUS
My neighbours are obnoxious, rude
And loud and they’re doing in my cranium
They are so intolerable that I finally
Know, what it must be like to be a Canadian
I GOT CHATTING ON THE EURO STAR
I got chatting on the Euro Star
And I really rather enjoyed it
First I made a Belgian waffle
And then a Frenchman talk shit
Star light, star bright,
No I don’t want to tonight
If truth be told, alright
I think stargazing is shite
WHEN WE SPEAK OF A BROTHER
When we speak of a brother
We can also speak of brethren,
But although we say Mother,
I have never heard said, Methren
MY UNCLE GOT CAUGHT STEALING AGAIN
My uncle got caught stealing again
It’s an occupation hazard by and large
This time it was luxury toilet rolls
And he pleaded quilty to the charge
ON THE JOURNEY TO WORK
On the journey to work
I had a nightmare
But I woke up before I ran
Anyone down to be fair
THE SIGN IN THE LAYBY READ
The sign in the layby read
“No dumping” it was hard to miss
But luckily it didn’t apply to me
Because I only needed a piss
THERE WAS AN IRRITATING WHINING SOUND
There was an irritating whining sound
As I was driving to work today
I ignored it and drove on into town
To drop my wife off and then it was ok
DO YOU WANT TO SEE A NAKED HARPIST
“Do you want to see a naked harpist?”
I was asked and of course replied yes please
But I was told that I mustn’t touch the harp
Because of the risk of catching harpies
I ONCE WENT OUT WITH A HARPIST
I once went out with a harpist
Who played it naked, except for specs
She wasn’t very good but afterwards
We had No strings attached sex
I PICKED UP A TRAY OF LAMB CHOPS
I picked up a tray of Lamb chops
Labelled “Reared in Wales” in the shop
I refused to buy them on the basis
That I thought that was a bit racist
MY NEIGHBOURS ARE OBNOXIOUS
My neighbours are obnoxious, rude
And loud and they’re doing in my cranium
They are so intolerable that I finally
Know, what it must be like to be a Canadian
I GOT CHATTING ON THE EURO STAR
I got chatting on the Euro Star
And I really rather enjoyed it
First I made a Belgian waffle
And then a Frenchman talk shit
A Little Bit Of Humour # 124
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 374
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t’ve oughter
Now she has a dose of chlamydia
And Jack has trouble passing water
IF THE MASCULINE PRONOUNS
If the masculine pronouns
Are he, his and him
Why then is it the feminine
Are not she, shis and shim
THE OBESITY TIME BOMB
The media keep talking about
An obesity time bomb
Well I hope I’m nowhere nearby
When it goes off chum
THERE’S BEEN A LOT OF TALK LATELY
There’s been a lot of talk lately
In the media about blue on blue
But it shouldn’t be a surprise
Because that’s Smurf porn for you
LUXEMBOURG IS A MUCH SMALLER COUNTRY
Luxembourg is a much smaller country
But nonetheless in a tournament year
They share something with England
Which is their FIFA Ranking I fear
WE MUST REWRITE THE HISTORY BOOKS
We must rewrite the history books
King Tut was not really Egyptian
Dad was a Scot, his Mum Spanish
And he was named Tartan Carmen
A MAJOR FIRE CAUSED PANIC
A major fire caused panic
And was causing great harm
It was in the aroma candle factory
So things soon became calm
I REGULARLY DONATE BLOOD
I regularly donate blood
So I feel I’m doing my bit
But for some of the donor’s
It’s like self-harm for a biscuit
SHE SAID SHE WAS A BUSH DOCTOR
I completely misunderstood
But then I was a bit pissed
She said she was a Bush Doctor
So I thought “she’s a gynaecologist”
CHAMPAGNE TO YOUR REAL FRIENDS?
Champagne to your real friends?
And real pain to your sham friends?
Well that’s Not my idea of friends
I MISUNDERSTOOD ABOUT PPI
I misunderstood about PPI
And I really feel such a fool
I thought you got it if you didn’t
Wear your goggles at the pool
WHEN WE REACHED CRUISING ALTITUDE
When we reached cruising altitude
As we headed for another continent
The cabin light dimmed to enhance,
The appearance of our flight attendant
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t’ve oughter
Now she has a dose of chlamydia
And Jack has trouble passing water
IF THE MASCULINE PRONOUNS
If the masculine pronouns
Are he, his and him
Why then is it the feminine
Are not she, shis and shim
THE OBESITY TIME BOMB
The media keep talking about
An obesity time bomb
Well I hope I’m nowhere nearby
When it goes off chum
THERE’S BEEN A LOT OF TALK LATELY
There’s been a lot of talk lately
In the media about blue on blue
But it shouldn’t be a surprise
Because that’s Smurf porn for you
LUXEMBOURG IS A MUCH SMALLER COUNTRY
Luxembourg is a much smaller country
But nonetheless in a tournament year
They share something with England
Which is their FIFA Ranking I fear
WE MUST REWRITE THE HISTORY BOOKS
We must rewrite the history books
King Tut was not really Egyptian
Dad was a Scot, his Mum Spanish
And he was named Tartan Carmen
A MAJOR FIRE CAUSED PANIC
A major fire caused panic
And was causing great harm
It was in the aroma candle factory
So things soon became calm
I REGULARLY DONATE BLOOD
I regularly donate blood
So I feel I’m doing my bit
But for some of the donor’s
It’s like self-harm for a biscuit
SHE SAID SHE WAS A BUSH DOCTOR
I completely misunderstood
But then I was a bit pissed
She said she was a Bush Doctor
So I thought “she’s a gynaecologist”
CHAMPAGNE TO YOUR REAL FRIENDS?
Champagne to your real friends?
And real pain to your sham friends?
Well that’s Not my idea of friends
I MISUNDERSTOOD ABOUT PPI
I misunderstood about PPI
And I really feel such a fool
I thought you got it if you didn’t
Wear your goggles at the pool
WHEN WE REACHED CRUISING ALTITUDE
When we reached cruising altitude
As we headed for another continent
The cabin light dimmed to enhance,
The appearance of our flight attendant
A Little Bit Of Humour # 123
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 373
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
The former was a grump
But the latter was a charmer
SO IF IT IS CORRECT THAT ONE # 1
So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular hat
Would in the plural
Be hats and never hose
THE LVG WAY
Your team should always have a plan “B”
In modern football you would have to say
Unfortunately for Manchester United though
Louis van Gaal doesn’t have a plan “A”
YESTERDAY I WENT TO SEE THE DOCTOR
Yesterday I went to see the doctor
Because I was feeling like hell
And he said, “You've got hypochondria”
“Oh no” I said “Not that as well”
WE WERE EATING AT AN INDIAN RESTAURANT
We were eating at an Indian restaurant
When we received news of the trauma
We all found it very distressing
My naan had slipped into a Korma
MY NEIGHBOUR STOLE MY SHOES
My neighbour stole my shoes
He’s the nicest man you could meet
I was going to confront him?
But at the last minute I got cold feet
WHEN I WAS STILL A LITTLE KID
When I was still a little kid
I thought my grandad was a hero
Because he was Lollipop man
And I thought that was a superhero
MY GRANDAD WAS KILLED BY A ZULU
I was always led to believe that
My grandad was killed by a Zulu
But he was killed when the roof
Collapsed in a London Zoo Loo
I LEARNED COUNTING USING DRIED SEMOLINA
I learned counting using dried semolina
Everything else was superfluous
It’s the way we used to do it in Morocco
It was what we call our Abacouscous
I’M PAST MY SELL BY DATE
According to my wife
I’m past my sell by date
But for my children,
I’ve not passed my use by date
MR ONION TOLD A JOKE IN CLASS
Mr Onion told a joke in class
He’s a bore so I don’t know why
But he told it anyway and we
didn’t know Whether to laugh or cry
BURNING ALL HER BILLS
My next-door neighbour
At number ninety two
Has been burning all her bills
But, that’s Bernadette for you
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a lama
The former was a grump
But the latter was a charmer
SO IF IT IS CORRECT THAT ONE # 1
So if it is correct that
One may be “that”
And multiples would be those
Yet the singular hat
Would in the plural
Be hats and never hose
THE LVG WAY
Your team should always have a plan “B”
In modern football you would have to say
Unfortunately for Manchester United though
Louis van Gaal doesn’t have a plan “A”
YESTERDAY I WENT TO SEE THE DOCTOR
Yesterday I went to see the doctor
Because I was feeling like hell
And he said, “You've got hypochondria”
“Oh no” I said “Not that as well”
WE WERE EATING AT AN INDIAN RESTAURANT
We were eating at an Indian restaurant
When we received news of the trauma
We all found it very distressing
My naan had slipped into a Korma
MY NEIGHBOUR STOLE MY SHOES
My neighbour stole my shoes
He’s the nicest man you could meet
I was going to confront him?
But at the last minute I got cold feet
WHEN I WAS STILL A LITTLE KID
When I was still a little kid
I thought my grandad was a hero
Because he was Lollipop man
And I thought that was a superhero
MY GRANDAD WAS KILLED BY A ZULU
I was always led to believe that
My grandad was killed by a Zulu
But he was killed when the roof
Collapsed in a London Zoo Loo
I LEARNED COUNTING USING DRIED SEMOLINA
I learned counting using dried semolina
Everything else was superfluous
It’s the way we used to do it in Morocco
It was what we call our Abacouscous
I’M PAST MY SELL BY DATE
According to my wife
I’m past my sell by date
But for my children,
I’ve not passed my use by date
MR ONION TOLD A JOKE IN CLASS
Mr Onion told a joke in class
He’s a bore so I don’t know why
But he told it anyway and we
didn’t know Whether to laugh or cry
BURNING ALL HER BILLS
My next-door neighbour
At number ninety two
Has been burning all her bills
But, that’s Bernadette for you
Wednesday, 11 May 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 122
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 372
Star light, star bright,
The first star I saw tonight
Was truly an epic fail
It was a z-lister from Emmerdale
THE HOUSE MOUSE RULE
If in your home sweet home
You find a solitary mouse
Then it is perfectly acceptable
To call it a house mouse
But if in your home sweet home
You find that you have mice
Then it is quite unacceptable
To refer to them as hice mice
THE WAITRESS ASKED “DO YOU HAVE
The waitress asked “Do you have
Any questions about the menu?”
My brother in law replied
“Is this font courier new?”
THERE IS A SIMPLE TRUTH IN LIFE
There is a simple truth in life
And it’s an honest admission
It is much easier to apologize
Than it is to ask permission
I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED
I have always believed
That it’s quite absurd
That “abbreviation”
Is such a long word
THE SMELL OF BOOKS
I think that the people who say they
Love the smell of books are jerks
Because it’s perfectly clearly they
Don’t know how reading books works
THERE IS ALWAYS SO MUCH PRESSURE
There is always so much pressure
To be with people on a holiday
But if there was only one
On which to go your own way
Then that one would of course be
On Independence Day
FORTUNE COOKIE
When you’ve finished your dinner
A fortune cookie would suit yer
But if there is no fortune in it
That means you don’t have a future
THE INVENTOR OF THE ALLEN KEY
The inventor of the Allen key
Made nothing off it
Despite the fact that
It certainly turned a profit
IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 2
If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then a solo is a lonesome
I VISIT MY GRANDAD REGULARLY
I visit my grandad regularly
Even though he’s a little daft
He has the windows open when
He makes me play draughts
APPARENTLY A GOOD COMPOST HEAP SHOULD
Apparently a good compost heap should
Get hot enough to poach an egg on it,
But not so hot it would cook a lobster
Well poached or not I am not eating it
MY HUSBAND IS LIKE A PETROL MOWER
My husband is like a petrol mower
Although he is considerably slower
They are both difficult to get started
Emit foul smells when they’ve farted
And are normally caked in grime
And they only work half the time
I'M A GARDENER AND I'M OK
I'm a gardener and I'm ok
I sleep in the allotment shed all day
I dress in comfy clothing,
That my wife would throw away
Oh I'm happy on the allotment
As I’m not in her way
(Sung to the tune of Monty Python's “I'm a Lumberjack”)
FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 2
Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy deadlock
Star light, star bright,
The first star I saw tonight
Was truly an epic fail
It was a z-lister from Emmerdale
THE HOUSE MOUSE RULE
If in your home sweet home
You find a solitary mouse
Then it is perfectly acceptable
To call it a house mouse
But if in your home sweet home
You find that you have mice
Then it is quite unacceptable
To refer to them as hice mice
THE WAITRESS ASKED “DO YOU HAVE
The waitress asked “Do you have
Any questions about the menu?”
My brother in law replied
“Is this font courier new?”
THERE IS A SIMPLE TRUTH IN LIFE
There is a simple truth in life
And it’s an honest admission
It is much easier to apologize
Than it is to ask permission
I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED
I have always believed
That it’s quite absurd
That “abbreviation”
Is such a long word
THE SMELL OF BOOKS
I think that the people who say they
Love the smell of books are jerks
Because it’s perfectly clearly they
Don’t know how reading books works
THERE IS ALWAYS SO MUCH PRESSURE
There is always so much pressure
To be with people on a holiday
But if there was only one
On which to go your own way
Then that one would of course be
On Independence Day
FORTUNE COOKIE
When you’ve finished your dinner
A fortune cookie would suit yer
But if there is no fortune in it
That means you don’t have a future
THE INVENTOR OF THE ALLEN KEY
The inventor of the Allen key
Made nothing off it
Despite the fact that
It certainly turned a profit
IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 2
If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then a solo is a lonesome
I VISIT MY GRANDAD REGULARLY
I visit my grandad regularly
Even though he’s a little daft
He has the windows open when
He makes me play draughts
APPARENTLY A GOOD COMPOST HEAP SHOULD
Apparently a good compost heap should
Get hot enough to poach an egg on it,
But not so hot it would cook a lobster
Well poached or not I am not eating it
MY HUSBAND IS LIKE A PETROL MOWER
My husband is like a petrol mower
Although he is considerably slower
They are both difficult to get started
Emit foul smells when they’ve farted
And are normally caked in grime
And they only work half the time
I'M A GARDENER AND I'M OK
I'm a gardener and I'm ok
I sleep in the allotment shed all day
I dress in comfy clothing,
That my wife would throw away
Oh I'm happy on the allotment
As I’m not in her way
(Sung to the tune of Monty Python's “I'm a Lumberjack”)
FRIEND’S FIRST, THEN SOUL MATES # 2
Friend’s first, then soul mates
Then we spoke of wedlock
Now are souls are intertwined
Since we joined in holy deadlock
A Little Bit Of Humour # 121
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 371
Oh, where have you been,
Billy Boy, Billy Boy?
Oh, where have you been,
Charming Billy?
It’s a rhetorical question
Billy Boy, Billy Boy
Because I know you’ve been
Chasing a filly
THE PLURAL OF BOX
So if it is correct that
The plural of box is boxes
Then why is the plural of ox
Oxen and not Oxes
IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 3
If clergymen can be defrocked
Can a promoter be demoted?
Should writers be described?
And musicians be denoted?
IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 1
If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then solo is a handsome
IF I HAD A POUND FOR EACH AND EVERY GIRL
If I had a pound for each and every girl
That said that they found me unattractive,
It would increase my worth eventually
And then they would find me attractive
I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT ALCOHOL
I always thought that alcohol
Made me funnier, smarter, oh
And a much better dancer
But then I saw myself on video
IF I’M SMILING, I'M THINKING
If I’m smiling, I'm thinking
Of doing something naughty
If you see me laughing, its
Because I've done it already
PROBLEMS ARE ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE
Problems are all about perspective
One of those “cup half full” affairs
So Escalators don't break down
They just magically turn into stairs.
SOME OF US LEARN FROM
Some of us learn from
The mistakes of others
The rest of us are destined
To be the others
I HATE PEOPLE WHO USE BIG WORDS
I hate people who use big words
I think it’s pretentious
And they only do it to make
Themselves look perspicacious
MANY MODERN HOMES NOW
Many modern homes now
Have a panic room in it
But to my two daughters
And my dear wife Brigit
Any room is a panic room
When they’ve lost a phone in it
ONE OF LIFE’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
One of life’s universal truths
Is not really much of a surprise
But behind every great man
There’s a woman rolling her eyes
A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED MAN
A vertically challenged man
Went to see his GP
Without an appointment
And he was told at reception
That the doctor would see him
But he’d have to a little patient
MY WIFE WAS IN THE BATHROOM
My wife was in the bathroom
When I suddenly heard her shout
She had rubbed on hand cream
And couldn’t turn the knob to get out
FOGHORN LEGHORN LE ROOSTER
Foghorn Leghorn Le Rooster
Crossed a busy Parisian Rue
Because he had something
Important to cockadoodle dooo
Oh, where have you been,
Billy Boy, Billy Boy?
Oh, where have you been,
Charming Billy?
It’s a rhetorical question
Billy Boy, Billy Boy
Because I know you’ve been
Chasing a filly
THE PLURAL OF BOX
So if it is correct that
The plural of box is boxes
Then why is the plural of ox
Oxen and not Oxes
IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 3
If clergymen can be defrocked
Can a promoter be demoted?
Should writers be described?
And musicians be denoted?
IF A PAIR IS A TWOSOME # 1
If a pair is a twosome
And a trio is a threesome
A quartet, a foursome
Then solo is a handsome
IF I HAD A POUND FOR EACH AND EVERY GIRL
If I had a pound for each and every girl
That said that they found me unattractive,
It would increase my worth eventually
And then they would find me attractive
I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT ALCOHOL
I always thought that alcohol
Made me funnier, smarter, oh
And a much better dancer
But then I saw myself on video
IF I’M SMILING, I'M THINKING
If I’m smiling, I'm thinking
Of doing something naughty
If you see me laughing, its
Because I've done it already
PROBLEMS ARE ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE
Problems are all about perspective
One of those “cup half full” affairs
So Escalators don't break down
They just magically turn into stairs.
SOME OF US LEARN FROM
Some of us learn from
The mistakes of others
The rest of us are destined
To be the others
I HATE PEOPLE WHO USE BIG WORDS
I hate people who use big words
I think it’s pretentious
And they only do it to make
Themselves look perspicacious
MANY MODERN HOMES NOW
Many modern homes now
Have a panic room in it
But to my two daughters
And my dear wife Brigit
Any room is a panic room
When they’ve lost a phone in it
ONE OF LIFE’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
One of life’s universal truths
Is not really much of a surprise
But behind every great man
There’s a woman rolling her eyes
A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED MAN
A vertically challenged man
Went to see his GP
Without an appointment
And he was told at reception
That the doctor would see him
But he’d have to a little patient
MY WIFE WAS IN THE BATHROOM
My wife was in the bathroom
When I suddenly heard her shout
She had rubbed on hand cream
And couldn’t turn the knob to get out
FOGHORN LEGHORN LE ROOSTER
Foghorn Leghorn Le Rooster
Crossed a busy Parisian Rue
Because he had something
Important to cockadoodle dooo
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