A Little Bit Of Humour # 113

GARDENING RULE

If you can’t tell the difference
Between a plant and weed
Then learn by pulling one up
That’s the best way to proceed
And if it comes out quite easily
Then the other one is the weed

SHEER EXTRAVAGANCE

A husband pays five hundred pounds
To get his wife a sheer negligée
So she thought she should pose for him
As it was a lot of money to pay
But decided to pretend to wear the item
And then next day get a refund on it
He looked on wide eyed and said
“For the price they could have ironed it”

WHY DID THE PHILANDERER CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the philanderer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride

WE USED TO HAVE AN OWL

We used to have an Owl
He was really cute
But he had low self esteem
So didn’t give a hoot

A TODDLER STARTS CHEWING ON A SLUG

A toddler starts chewing on a slug
As mum looks on and squirms
But she asked what it tasted like
And the toddler replied "Worms"

A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED

A weed is a plant that has simply mastered
Every survival skill in the way it grows
But with all its hardy guile and cunning
They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows

A MAN WAS LEFT MENTALLY SCARRED

A man was left mentally scarred
After swinging from trees in his yard
When a branch snagged on his leotard
So he was hoisted on his own petard

I’M A REALLY RUBBISH GARDENER

I’m a really rubbish gardener
I find it all a bit of a chore
If only I was better outside
At simple horticulture
And grow stuff in the garden
Like I do in the refrigerator

WHY DID THE VOYEUR CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the voyeur cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide

NEVER LOSE YOUR HEART TO A TENNIS PLAYER

Never lose your heart to a tennis player
And that goes for women and men
But it’s not that they are bad people
It’s just that love means nothing to them

BREAK A LEG

Telling actors to "Break a leg"
Is a tradition from long past
And the reason for it is this
Actors like to be in a good cast

WEEDS AND FLOWERS

The difference between
Weeds and flowers
Is without a doubt
That the garden weeds
Are the most difficult
By far to pull out

FATHERS DAY PRAYER

All his life, she’d been
Likened to his Dad
A chip off the old block
Birds of a feather
Two sides of the same coin
And just the other day
He was asked
How are you different to your Dad?
He replied that he hoped
In as fewer ways as possible

MOTHERS DAY PRAYER

All her life, she’d been
Likened to her Mum
A chip off the old block
Birds of a feather
Two sides of the same coin
And just the other day
She was asked
How are you different to your Mum?
She replied that she hoped
In as fewer ways as possible

Various

GRAMPA’S DARKEST DAY

Darkness descended since
We lost our brightest light
Daddy carries you in his arms
In that tiny coffin gleaming white
Goodbye my precious little angel
I will see you in the sky tonight

JOYS OF A CHILDHOOD LOST

We virtually lived outside
Me and my friends
On long summer adventures
Until the days ends
But we wernt just
The fair weather sort
We played outside even
When days were short
Rolling around in piles
Of autumn leaves of gold
Splashing through puddles
Despite being told
Playing imaginary games
About being lost in the fog
running through the woods
Chasing the dog.
In winter when Saturday came
Then off we’d go
With luck we’d wake
To find a fresh fall of snow
Then we’d happily sledge
Across the snowy land
Or build a snowman
Till we can’t feel our hands
Hours pass in minutes
As we’d happily roam
But despite the cold
We didn’t rush to get home
When we did we crunched
Through the crisp winter frost
Those were the joys
Of a childhood lost

I WAS LITTLE MORE THAN A LAD

I was little more than a lad
And my hometown lay behind me
But I didn’t walk the road
As a lad for very long,
I quickly became a man
So I walked for many years
And for many miles
In country and in town
Working in the sweet smelling fields
And the foul odorous cities
But I wandered tall and proud
Now the road lead me home
And the path breathes life
Into my wistful heart

SUNDIAL

The sun burned bright
Its rays struck the sundial
And cast a shadow
Shown in sharp relief
From the gnomon
Upon the brass dial
And as the straight edge
Reaches three o’clock
It’s time to go

WHY DO WE NEVER LEARN?

Why do we never learn?
We look back at past mistakes
And yet we do the same again
We view history
Without learning the lessons
Time and time again
But every time
History repeats itself
The price goes up

WE LOVE YOU STREET ANGELS

They are a constant about the place
They are the friendly face
Revellers stop on their merry way
And invariably they will say
As they lean at precarious angles
"We love you strangles"

THE STREET ANGELS HAVE TROD THE PATH

The Street Angels have trod the path
For Five years on Woking’s streets
Armed only with Gods light
And their calming influence
They are Not preachers of the word
Nor are they there to evangelise
They are the doers of deeds
The holders of hands
And the wipers of tears
They are a friendly face in the dark
Or a soothing word in the confusion
A conduit to common sense
The Angels do not judge
Nor are they there to chastise
Angels listen with sympathetic ears
And speak in a voice of pleasant reason
They give up their time
For the lost and the vulnerable
And the over enthusiastic revellers
Until the last club closes.
The Street Angels
Do not police the streets
But they do tread the path
And they are part of the peace

A Little Bit Of Humour # 112

THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE DROPPING

The Russian Airforce are dropping
Amazon bombs on Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour

FOGHORN LEGHORN LEFT

Foghorn Leghorn left
The basketball court
Wearing a scowl
Because he misunderstood
When he heard
The ref blew a foul

ROYAL ETIQUETTE

If you can’t turn your back
On her majesty
How can the royal chauffeur
Drive her safely

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE REACHED

You know you have reached
The end of your childhood
When knock down ginger is bad
And afternoon naps are good

SIT DOWN IN THE MEADOW

Sit down in the meadow
And we will bill and coo
We will choose a perfect spot
But please be careful do
Oh dear that was thoughtless
I did suggest you take care
It was rather ill considered
For you to sit down there
As if you lift your buttock up
You’ll see you squashed
A perfect patch of buttercup

THE SIMPLE DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE

The simple definition of marriage
I think you should understand
Is that one person is always right
And the other one is the husband

ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY BARREL?

Are you wearing a brandy barrel?
Yes I know it’s like the rescue dog
But you know that the St Bernard
Doesn’t drink all of the grog

I’VE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD LATELY

I’ve been working really hard lately
But I’ve got a day off today
It was nice not having to get up early
And have a snooze day Tuesday

THE PREDATORY MALE

The predatory male
As he hunts amidst the herds
Is only offended
By two four letter words.
The first one being “don't”
And “stop” being the other
And both words bring a halt
To his particular pleasure
Unless of course
They are used together

HE WAS A REAL JACK THE LAD

He was a real Jack the Lad
All flash and brash,
Living it large
And always splashing the cash
You might well be temped
But I advise nothing rash
If he tries it on give him the slip
And make a dash

ARE YOU WEARING LEGGINGS?

Are you wearing leggings?
That are baggy 'round the knees
As I can’t see them for myself
Can I have more details please?

I TOLD MY DAD

I told my dad “I want to be
A fortune teller init”
He said “Don’t be daft son
There’s no future in it”

I GOT A JOB AT THE CARNIVAL

I got a job at the carnival and
The hall of mirror was my selection
But it wasn’t what I thought
And it was a bad choice on reflection

FOGHORN LEGHORN WAS THROWN

Foghorn Leghorn was thrown
Off the court
As the crowd began to howl
And he would never again
Be a referee
All because he blew a fowl

DONATIONS TO SPERM BANKS

Donations to Sperm Banks
In the UK are in decline
Because most people today
Do their banking on line

FOGHORN LEGHORN’S WIFE ONLY LAID

Foghorn Leghorn’s wife only laid
Her eggs in the winter or fall
But that made sense, as she was
No Spring Chicken after all

TA TA TOGMEISTER

I woke up with Wogan,
With 8 million others
I even contributed in a small way
Like many sisters and brothers

And when he was usurped
By the upstart Evans
Anton Deck and I
Shook a fist to the heavens

When I woke to the news
Of the Togmeisters demise
A lump filled my throat
And tears filled my eyes

With his warm easy manner
Friendly, witty and clever
He has a new audience now
And I will be a TOG forever

A Little Bit Of Humour # 111

EASTER PARADOX

One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in the Easter Bunny
While chocolate eggs accompany events

ST PATRICK'S DAY PICK UP # 2

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Do you have any Irish in you?”
Ask her, on St Patrick's Day
And if she answers no, reply
“Do you want some today?”

THE PRESIDENT OF CHESS CLUB # 2

The president of Chess Club
Was toying with his bishop
Then his mum walked in
And told him he had to stop

HAVING + 1 CHANNELS

If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for everyone
Which would automatically allow
The likely mistake to be easily undone

WHEN MUM TOLD ME THAT MASTURBATING

When mum told me that masturbating
Caused serious eye defects
I made the decision that I would stop
But not until I needed specs

AT WORK IT WAS THE BIRTHDAY

At work it was the birthday
Of a colleague that no one can abide
The card we got was perfect for her
Because it was blank inside

PICKUP # 16

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Say to her “If I follow you home
Tonight its not as it seems
I was just brought up to
Follow my dreams"

ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTESTORS

Animal rights protestors
The animal lovers, self-styled
Broke into a specialist farm
Releasing the haggis to the wild

FOGHORN LEGHORN CROSSED THE ROAD

Foghorn Leghorn crossed the road
And without a pause for dossing
He immediately returned again
Because he was double-crossing

AN ENGLISHMAN WALKED INTO A PUB

An Englishman walked into a pub
But something was definitely up
There were no Irish, Welsh or Scots
Because they were still in the cup

I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO FIND PRAWN BREAD

I haven’t been able to find prawn bread
I have searched from coast to coast
So what I really want to know now is
How on earth do they make prawn toast

WE’VE ALL HEARD ABOUT THE MUSHROOM

We’ve all heard about the mushroom
Who turned out to be the fungi sort
But he also won gold at the Olympics
So he’s a true champignon of sport

I HAVE A CAR THAT CAN TRANSFORM

I have a car that can transform
It’s a real super car
Although to be fare it’s only
Turned into a road so far