ARE YOU WEARING A TANK TOP?
Are you wearing a tank top?
Someone should’ve yelled stop
I know charity shops are thrifty
But it’s was dated in nineteen fifty
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 344
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
And the trains were delayed for hours
ARE YOU WEARING GOGGLES?
Are you wearing goggles?
Well the mind simply boggles
I’m sorry about the giggles
But you do look like Biggles
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 336
There was a farmer,
Had a dog,
And Bingo was his name-o
A foolish name for a dog
But he loves it a Lotto
ARE YOU WEARING A TIN HAT?
Are you wearing a tin hat?
What kind of headgear is that?
Are you wearing it because, because
You’re off to see the Wizard of Oz
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 345
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
But what I really want to know is how
He got up there in the first place
ARE YOU WEARING EXTENSIONS?
Are you wearing extensions?
Well I hesitate to mention
The extensions to your hair
Don’t really attach down there
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 352
Three wise men of Gotham
This is something of a choker
When it turns out that they are
Penguin, Riddler and the joker
ARE YOU WEARING A TUX?
Are you wearing a tux?
Urgh that thing really sucks
It’s starting to disconcert
It’s a Tux printed on a t-shirt
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 346
As I was going by Charing Cross
The station was closed of course
And a sign said outside of the station
A replacement bus service is in operation
Monday, 2 March 2015
A Little Bit Of Humour # 94
ARE YOU WEARING NOVELTY GLASSES?
Are you wearing novelty glasses?
Did you buy them as a kind of remedy?
Well if nothing else they should
Improve your observational comedy
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 342
Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester,
Because he liked a rhyme
IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE + 1 CHANNELS
If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for the viewer
Which would automatically erase anything
You may have recorded in error
SNAGS IS AN ACRONYM
SNAGS is an acronym
For “Sensitive New Age Guy’s”
But don’t all men come with snags?
Just like turds come with flies
ARE YOU WEARING DENIM SHORTS?
Are you wearing denim shorts?
They are cheeky by all reports
The Denim certainly comes up short
You must get some bawdy retorts
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 338
Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir,
Three bags full;
I can’t get rid of the bloody stuff
ARE YOU WEARING A COCKTAIL DRESS?
Are you wearing a cocktail dress?
And drinking cocktails at the same time
You do know that wearing one without
Drinking the other isn’t actually a crime
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 343
Hot cross buns!
Hot cross buns!
I don’t care if they’re
One a penny,
Its only January
ARE YOU WEARING SNOWSHOES?
Are you wearing snowshoes?
Blimey those things cost a packet
Hang on after closer inspection
Your snowshoe is a tennis racket
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 337
As I was going to St. Ives,
The car broke down
On the A30 at Redruth
Then I met a man with seven wives,
Which put all my problems
Into perspective
Are you wearing novelty glasses?
Did you buy them as a kind of remedy?
Well if nothing else they should
Improve your observational comedy
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 342
Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester,
Because he liked a rhyme
IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE + 1 CHANNELS
If you are going to have + 1 channels
There should be a – 1 for the viewer
Which would automatically erase anything
You may have recorded in error
SNAGS IS AN ACRONYM
SNAGS is an acronym
For “Sensitive New Age Guy’s”
But don’t all men come with snags?
Just like turds come with flies
ARE YOU WEARING DENIM SHORTS?
Are you wearing denim shorts?
They are cheeky by all reports
The Denim certainly comes up short
You must get some bawdy retorts
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 338
Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir,
Three bags full;
I can’t get rid of the bloody stuff
ARE YOU WEARING A COCKTAIL DRESS?
Are you wearing a cocktail dress?
And drinking cocktails at the same time
You do know that wearing one without
Drinking the other isn’t actually a crime
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 343
Hot cross buns!
Hot cross buns!
I don’t care if they’re
One a penny,
Its only January
ARE YOU WEARING SNOWSHOES?
Are you wearing snowshoes?
Blimey those things cost a packet
Hang on after closer inspection
Your snowshoe is a tennis racket
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 337
As I was going to St. Ives,
The car broke down
On the A30 at Redruth
Then I met a man with seven wives,
Which put all my problems
Into perspective
A Little Bit Of Humour # 93
I AM WEARING A CONTENTED EXPRESSION?
I am wearing a contented expression?
And all that is necessarily attached
I’m a man and at the end of the day
And if it itches, it will be scratched
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 340
Eeper Weeper, Chimney sweeper,
Had a skinny wife but couldn’t keep her.
That’s because
He didn't love her,
And up the chimney he did shove her
ARE YOU WEARING A FISH’S TAIL?
Are you wearing a fish’s tail?
And is it actually swishy?
I guess you must be a mermaid
You’re a very dishy little Fishy
SINCE I RETIRED I HAVE RESISTED THE TEMPTATION
Since I retired I have resisted the temptation
To tidy the cellar, the garage or the attic
Because the moment I accomplished the task
My grown up kids would fill them with their shit
MY WIFE HAS PUT ME ON A VERY STRICT DIET
My wife has put me on a very strict diet
And eating before bed has been discouraged
But if we weren’t meant to have midnight snacks
Then why is there a light on in the fridge
THE VET SAID
The vet said “Your Pekinese will keep vomiting,
But it’s your choice
To continue to keep talking to the creature
In that stupid gooey voice”
IF YOUR DAUGHTER WANTS A BIRTHDAY PARTY
If your daughter wants a birthday party
At home, make it Cinderella themed
That way you can be the wicked queen
And the guests can keep the house clean
MY SISTER HAS A TANNING SALON
My sister has a tanning salon
It is hers and her husband John’s
And at the national tanning awards
Their establishment won bronze
MY BROTHER IS SUCH A PESSIMIST
My brother is such a pessimist
It has been his great tormentor
He’s so pessimistic that if there
Was a contest he wouldn’t enter
THE DEVIL LANDED ON THE CHURCH ROOF
The devil landed on the church roof
The vicar said “Show him your cross”
So the curate went outside and shouted
“Piss off you red horned piece of dross”
ARE YOU WEARING DENIM JEANS?
Are you wearing denim jeans?
Popular they have always been
But on the older man they’re not
As fashionable as they might seem
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 339
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch a tiger by the toe,
If he hollers, don’t let him go,
And if you do run like hell
I am wearing a contented expression?
And all that is necessarily attached
I’m a man and at the end of the day
And if it itches, it will be scratched
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 340
Eeper Weeper, Chimney sweeper,
Had a skinny wife but couldn’t keep her.
That’s because
He didn't love her,
And up the chimney he did shove her
ARE YOU WEARING A FISH’S TAIL?
Are you wearing a fish’s tail?
And is it actually swishy?
I guess you must be a mermaid
You’re a very dishy little Fishy
SINCE I RETIRED I HAVE RESISTED THE TEMPTATION
Since I retired I have resisted the temptation
To tidy the cellar, the garage or the attic
Because the moment I accomplished the task
My grown up kids would fill them with their shit
MY WIFE HAS PUT ME ON A VERY STRICT DIET
My wife has put me on a very strict diet
And eating before bed has been discouraged
But if we weren’t meant to have midnight snacks
Then why is there a light on in the fridge
THE VET SAID
The vet said “Your Pekinese will keep vomiting,
But it’s your choice
To continue to keep talking to the creature
In that stupid gooey voice”
IF YOUR DAUGHTER WANTS A BIRTHDAY PARTY
If your daughter wants a birthday party
At home, make it Cinderella themed
That way you can be the wicked queen
And the guests can keep the house clean
MY SISTER HAS A TANNING SALON
My sister has a tanning salon
It is hers and her husband John’s
And at the national tanning awards
Their establishment won bronze
MY BROTHER IS SUCH A PESSIMIST
My brother is such a pessimist
It has been his great tormentor
He’s so pessimistic that if there
Was a contest he wouldn’t enter
THE DEVIL LANDED ON THE CHURCH ROOF
The devil landed on the church roof
The vicar said “Show him your cross”
So the curate went outside and shouted
“Piss off you red horned piece of dross”
ARE YOU WEARING DENIM JEANS?
Are you wearing denim jeans?
Popular they have always been
But on the older man they’re not
As fashionable as they might seem
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 339
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch a tiger by the toe,
If he hollers, don’t let him go,
And if you do run like hell
All This And World War Too
PUT DOWN YOUR PEN
Put down your pen, write no more
Names on the honour roll
The count id done, praise God
Listen well as the peace bells toll
At last the bloodshed is at an end
Let’s lose no more friends or foes
HUMPH
On Victory in Europe Day
On the eighth of May 1945
Amidst the happy throng
Outside Buck House
He was joyfully playing
“Roll out the Barrel”
On his trumpet
Whilst being perambulated
In a wheelbarrow
And that was how
Lt Humphrey Lyttelton
Inadvertently gave his
First ever performance
On the BBC
Which survives to this day
On the BBC news reels
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - ODETTE SANSOM HALLOWES GC, MBE
She was French born
But served as an agent for the SOE
In April 1943 “Lise”
Was betrayed to the Germans
Along with her future husband
Peter Churchill
And The SD interrogated them at
84 Avenue Foch, their HQ in Paris
Though tortured with red hot pokers
They kept to their cover story
That he was both her husband
And Winston Churchill’s nephew
Which seemed to do the trick
With confirmation from London
But she was condemned to death in June 1943
But was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
The Churchill’s nephew story stuck
And when the allies got close
The Camp commandant Fritz Suhren
Drove Sansom to the allied lines
To surrender to the Americans
Hoping to save his own neck
Which didn’t work
Odette testified in 1946
At the Hamburg Ravensbrück Trials
And he was hanged in 1950
Odette was subsequently awarded
A British George Cross, an MBE and
A French Chevalier de la Légion d'honneur
THANK GOD FOR LITTLE BELGIUM
Thank God for little Belgium
Bravely holding off the Hun
Mounting a strong defence
So no easy victory was won
Gaining time for their allies
And maddening the Hun
A high price had to be paid
By Belgian mother and son
It was called the rape of Belgium
When the fighting was done
LT HUMPHREY LYTTELTON OF THE BRIGADE OF GUARDS
When he landed on the beach at Salerno
The unsuspecting enemy were met
By a signals officer, with a pistol
In one hand and in the other his trumpet
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - NOOR INAYAT KHAN GC
She was Russian born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In October 1943 “Madelaine”
Was betrayed to the Germans
And the SD Interrogated her at
84 Avenue Foch
Their HQ in Paris
Though she had the face of an angel
She fought her captors so fiercely
They were scared of her,
And treated her as extremely dangerous
After many escape attempts
She was transferred to Germany
After almost a year in captivity
She was taken to Dachau
Along with three other agents
And in the early morning hours
Of 13th September 1944,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
As far as the British were concerned
She was only missing
And she was mentioned in despatches
It wasn’t until 1949
When she was posthumously awarded
A British George Cross and
A French Croix de Guerre with Silver Star.
OLD SOLDIERS WEARIED WITH AGE
Old soldiers wearied with age
Marching with faltering stride
Carry themselves with dignity
And wear the uniform with pride
AFTER WAR WAS DECLARED
The bombing began
Cities were struck
With vengeance
Night after night
Shattering explosions of death
Shaking the ground
Delivering deadly destruction
Buildings fell to the ground.
Stones and bricks
Turned to shrapnel
As architecture was rent asunder
Death meted out indiscriminately
On the innocents
The mighty Luftwaffe
Had declared war on civilians
Theatres and churches
Schools and homes
Pubs and shops
All fell victim
Little was spared
In those terrible raids
Many British Cities
Still bear the scars
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - DENISE MADELEINE BLOCH
She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In June 1944 “Ambroise”
She was captured by the Germans
After lengthy interrogation
She was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And in the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A Kings Commendation for Brave Conduct
And a French Croix de Guerre with bronze star
A French Chevalier de la Légion d'honneur
And the Médaille de la Résistance
DESPERATE YEARS WHEN DAYS WERE DARK
Desperate years when days were dark
Some darker when sirens were sounding
When the scared fled to their shelters
While their Cities took a pounding
THE WHISTLES BLEW
The whistles blew
And over the top
Went the company
Moving as one
Through the smoke
And strewn before us
Broken and bloody
In the Flanders mud
Lay the fallen,
Comrades all
Lifeless and cold
But on we walked
Each of us knowing
We might join them soon
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - LILIAN VERA ROLFE MBE
She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In July 1944 “Nadine”
She was captured by the Germans
And transported to Fresnes Prison in Paris,
Where she was interrogated repeatedly
And brutally tortured until August
She was then transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And in the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A French Croix de Guerre with palm, an MBE
And was mentioned her in despatches
ON THE HOME-FRONT
On the home-front
Brave men and women
Gave their all
Granddad was a special
Mum was a WRAC
Her sister was on the land
Great Uncle Bill
Was in the home guard
Uncle Fred was in the ARP
Not everyone did their bit
But the majority rolled up their sleeves
Some did more than others
But everyone was under fire
BLOOD SWEPT LANDS
What a stunning and fitting tribute
Well met at the Bloody Tower
A Poppy Sea, marking the toll
Levied at the eleventh hour
Ceramic Poppies, flower and stem
Placed so we will remember them
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - VIOLETTE REINE ELIZABETH SZABO, GC
She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In June 1944 while on a mission
She was captured by the Germans
And the SD Interrogated her at Limoges
Then transferred her to 84 Avenue Foch
Their HQ in Paris
But with the Allies closing in
She was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And In the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A British George Cross and
A French Croix de Guerre with bronze star
And the Médaille de la Résistance
HAVING WON THE WAR
Having won the war we struggled in peace
We lived those post war days austerely
But truly believed it was for the best
Despite feeling the rationing severely
But out children charged on into the sixties
And lived the decade too cavalierly
Put down your pen, write no more
Names on the honour roll
The count id done, praise God
Listen well as the peace bells toll
At last the bloodshed is at an end
Let’s lose no more friends or foes
HUMPH
On Victory in Europe Day
On the eighth of May 1945
Amidst the happy throng
Outside Buck House
He was joyfully playing
“Roll out the Barrel”
On his trumpet
Whilst being perambulated
In a wheelbarrow
And that was how
Lt Humphrey Lyttelton
Inadvertently gave his
First ever performance
On the BBC
Which survives to this day
On the BBC news reels
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - ODETTE SANSOM HALLOWES GC, MBE
She was French born
But served as an agent for the SOE
In April 1943 “Lise”
Was betrayed to the Germans
Along with her future husband
Peter Churchill
And The SD interrogated them at
84 Avenue Foch, their HQ in Paris
Though tortured with red hot pokers
They kept to their cover story
That he was both her husband
And Winston Churchill’s nephew
Which seemed to do the trick
With confirmation from London
But she was condemned to death in June 1943
But was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
The Churchill’s nephew story stuck
And when the allies got close
The Camp commandant Fritz Suhren
Drove Sansom to the allied lines
To surrender to the Americans
Hoping to save his own neck
Which didn’t work
Odette testified in 1946
At the Hamburg Ravensbrück Trials
And he was hanged in 1950
Odette was subsequently awarded
A British George Cross, an MBE and
A French Chevalier de la Légion d'honneur
THANK GOD FOR LITTLE BELGIUM
Thank God for little Belgium
Bravely holding off the Hun
Mounting a strong defence
So no easy victory was won
Gaining time for their allies
And maddening the Hun
A high price had to be paid
By Belgian mother and son
It was called the rape of Belgium
When the fighting was done
LT HUMPHREY LYTTELTON OF THE BRIGADE OF GUARDS
When he landed on the beach at Salerno
The unsuspecting enemy were met
By a signals officer, with a pistol
In one hand and in the other his trumpet
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - NOOR INAYAT KHAN GC
She was Russian born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In October 1943 “Madelaine”
Was betrayed to the Germans
And the SD Interrogated her at
84 Avenue Foch
Their HQ in Paris
Though she had the face of an angel
She fought her captors so fiercely
They were scared of her,
And treated her as extremely dangerous
After many escape attempts
She was transferred to Germany
After almost a year in captivity
She was taken to Dachau
Along with three other agents
And in the early morning hours
Of 13th September 1944,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
As far as the British were concerned
She was only missing
And she was mentioned in despatches
It wasn’t until 1949
When she was posthumously awarded
A British George Cross and
A French Croix de Guerre with Silver Star.
OLD SOLDIERS WEARIED WITH AGE
Old soldiers wearied with age
Marching with faltering stride
Carry themselves with dignity
And wear the uniform with pride
AFTER WAR WAS DECLARED
The bombing began
Cities were struck
With vengeance
Night after night
Shattering explosions of death
Shaking the ground
Delivering deadly destruction
Buildings fell to the ground.
Stones and bricks
Turned to shrapnel
As architecture was rent asunder
Death meted out indiscriminately
On the innocents
The mighty Luftwaffe
Had declared war on civilians
Theatres and churches
Schools and homes
Pubs and shops
All fell victim
Little was spared
In those terrible raids
Many British Cities
Still bear the scars
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - DENISE MADELEINE BLOCH
She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In June 1944 “Ambroise”
She was captured by the Germans
After lengthy interrogation
She was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And in the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A Kings Commendation for Brave Conduct
And a French Croix de Guerre with bronze star
A French Chevalier de la Légion d'honneur
And the Médaille de la Résistance
DESPERATE YEARS WHEN DAYS WERE DARK
Desperate years when days were dark
Some darker when sirens were sounding
When the scared fled to their shelters
While their Cities took a pounding
THE WHISTLES BLEW
The whistles blew
And over the top
Went the company
Moving as one
Through the smoke
And strewn before us
Broken and bloody
In the Flanders mud
Lay the fallen,
Comrades all
Lifeless and cold
But on we walked
Each of us knowing
We might join them soon
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - LILIAN VERA ROLFE MBE
She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In July 1944 “Nadine”
She was captured by the Germans
And transported to Fresnes Prison in Paris,
Where she was interrogated repeatedly
And brutally tortured until August
She was then transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And in the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A French Croix de Guerre with palm, an MBE
And was mentioned her in despatches
ON THE HOME-FRONT
On the home-front
Brave men and women
Gave their all
Granddad was a special
Mum was a WRAC
Her sister was on the land
Great Uncle Bill
Was in the home guard
Uncle Fred was in the ARP
Not everyone did their bit
But the majority rolled up their sleeves
Some did more than others
But everyone was under fire
BLOOD SWEPT LANDS
What a stunning and fitting tribute
Well met at the Bloody Tower
A Poppy Sea, marking the toll
Levied at the eleventh hour
Ceramic Poppies, flower and stem
Placed so we will remember them
HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - VIOLETTE REINE ELIZABETH SZABO, GC
She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In June 1944 while on a mission
She was captured by the Germans
And the SD Interrogated her at Limoges
Then transferred her to 84 Avenue Foch
Their HQ in Paris
But with the Allies closing in
She was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And In the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A British George Cross and
A French Croix de Guerre with bronze star
And the Médaille de la Résistance
HAVING WON THE WAR
Having won the war we struggled in peace
We lived those post war days austerely
But truly believed it was for the best
Despite feeling the rationing severely
But out children charged on into the sixties
And lived the decade too cavalierly
Monday, 16 February 2015
Pancake Week
SHROVE TUESDAY
Since before the Christian era
Shrove Tuesday or Pancake Day
Was celebrated far and wide
And was originally a pagan holiday
Changing seasons was a struggle
Between Jarilo the God of brightness
Vegetation, fertility and springtime
And the evil spirits of cold and darkness
So they had to help the God Jarilo
And victory meant spring had begun
So they cooked and ate pancakes
Hot and round symbolizing the sun
ASH WEDNESDAY
Ashes are placed on the heads
Of worshipers on Ash Wednesday,
Either by being sprinkled or
More often the traditional way
By being marked as a visible cross
On their foreheads on the day
ASH WEDNESDAY FIRST DAY OF LENT
The palm branches blessed on Palm Sunday,
Are the following year, burnt and blessed again
And placed on the heads of the participants
To the accompaniment of the familiar refrain
"Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return”
And the Lenten season has begun once again
Since before the Christian era
Shrove Tuesday or Pancake Day
Was celebrated far and wide
And was originally a pagan holiday
Changing seasons was a struggle
Between Jarilo the God of brightness
Vegetation, fertility and springtime
And the evil spirits of cold and darkness
So they had to help the God Jarilo
And victory meant spring had begun
So they cooked and ate pancakes
Hot and round symbolizing the sun
ASH WEDNESDAY
Ashes are placed on the heads
Of worshipers on Ash Wednesday,
Either by being sprinkled or
More often the traditional way
By being marked as a visible cross
On their foreheads on the day
ASH WEDNESDAY FIRST DAY OF LENT
The palm branches blessed on Palm Sunday,
Are the following year, burnt and blessed again
And placed on the heads of the participants
To the accompaniment of the familiar refrain
"Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return”
And the Lenten season has begun once again
Thursday, 5 February 2015
A Little Bit Of Humour # 92
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 366
Five little speckled frogs
Sat on a great big log
But they were soon to become
A delicious entre yum, yum
ARE YOU WEARING A SNOOD?
Are you wearing a snood?
Well I don’t like to be rude
But isn’t it a bit of a palaver
And it looks like a balaclava
I'VE SWALLOWED SOME
I've swallowed some of my
Scrabble tiles accidentally
I’m afraid when nature takes
It course it could spell tragedy
I CAN HEAR REALLY ANNOYING MUSIC
I can hear really annoying music
And it’s getting to be a real pain
It’s emanating from inside my printer
I think the paper's jammin' again
I WAS JUST SITTING THERE THINKING
I was just sitting there thinking
And wondered why absentmindedly
The baseball was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me
I WAS JUST SITTING IN THE STAND
I was just sitting in the stand
And wondered why absentmindedly
The football was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me
LOOK IT’S NOT LIKE I’M HURTING ANYONE
Look it’s not like I’m hurting anyone
It’s not like I fell for her out of habit
And can I say I’m only human after all
So is it weird that I fancy Jessica Rabbit?
MY MUM GAVE ME THE SEX TALK
My mum gave me the sex talk
And during it she told me what to do
“You don’t have to put anything
In your mouth that you don’t want to”
Well I thought about it for a while
And then I stopped eating tofu
HE ASKED ME A QUESTION
He asked me a question
In the most cryptic of ways
Does your mouth bleed?
Every twenty eight days?
And I didn’t recognise it
As an insult for several days
A SUSPECT IN THE ALASKAN MURDER CASE
A suspect in the Alaskan murder case
Was asked for an alibi by Detective Starch
When he asked "So tell me where you
Were on the night of September to March?"
I REALLY ENJOYED OUR DATE
I really enjoyed our date
I’m so glad that you rang
It was a brilliant Guy Fawkes
Night that ended with a bang
I THINK GOOGLE IS A WOMAN
I think Google is a woman because
It won't let me finish my question
Or a sentence for that matter, before
It starts making other suggestions
Five little speckled frogs
Sat on a great big log
But they were soon to become
A delicious entre yum, yum
ARE YOU WEARING A SNOOD?
Are you wearing a snood?
Well I don’t like to be rude
But isn’t it a bit of a palaver
And it looks like a balaclava
I'VE SWALLOWED SOME
I've swallowed some of my
Scrabble tiles accidentally
I’m afraid when nature takes
It course it could spell tragedy
I CAN HEAR REALLY ANNOYING MUSIC
I can hear really annoying music
And it’s getting to be a real pain
It’s emanating from inside my printer
I think the paper's jammin' again
I WAS JUST SITTING THERE THINKING
I was just sitting there thinking
And wondered why absentmindedly
The baseball was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me
I WAS JUST SITTING IN THE STAND
I was just sitting in the stand
And wondered why absentmindedly
The football was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me
LOOK IT’S NOT LIKE I’M HURTING ANYONE
Look it’s not like I’m hurting anyone
It’s not like I fell for her out of habit
And can I say I’m only human after all
So is it weird that I fancy Jessica Rabbit?
MY MUM GAVE ME THE SEX TALK
My mum gave me the sex talk
And during it she told me what to do
“You don’t have to put anything
In your mouth that you don’t want to”
Well I thought about it for a while
And then I stopped eating tofu
HE ASKED ME A QUESTION
He asked me a question
In the most cryptic of ways
Does your mouth bleed?
Every twenty eight days?
And I didn’t recognise it
As an insult for several days
A SUSPECT IN THE ALASKAN MURDER CASE
A suspect in the Alaskan murder case
Was asked for an alibi by Detective Starch
When he asked "So tell me where you
Were on the night of September to March?"
I REALLY ENJOYED OUR DATE
I really enjoyed our date
I’m so glad that you rang
It was a brilliant Guy Fawkes
Night that ended with a bang
I THINK GOOGLE IS A WOMAN
I think Google is a woman because
It won't let me finish my question
Or a sentence for that matter, before
It starts making other suggestions
A Little Bit Of Humour # 91
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 365
Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
If I can get one from Pets at home
ARE YOU WEARING A SAILOR SUIT?
Are you wearing a sailor suit?
Are you trying to look cute?
Or are you trying to win a bet
Either way you just look wet
I LOVE JESSICA RABBIT
I love Jessica Rabbit,
I watch her films all the time
I find her so erotic
It’s just like watching porn
But don’t blame sweet Jessica
For my peccadilloes
It’s really not her fault
It’s just the way she’s drawn
THERE MAY WELL BE, AS THEY SAY
There may well be, as they say
“Plenty of fish in the sea”
But until I catch myself a cod
I'm left holding my rod
ONCE I FOUND OUT THAT MASTURBATING
Once I found out that masturbating
Was an addictive habit
I knew from that very moment on
That I just had to beat it
I ALWAYS WEAR A SEAT BELT
I always wear a seat belt
Even though they do constrict
But I couldn't work out how
To do it up and then it clicked
I CAN’T PLAY MY INSTRUMENT
I can’t play my instrument
We were mismatched
So I am selling my guitar
No strings attached
I WENT AWAY TO A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY
I went away to a third world country in secret
Because I knew the British doctors would scoff
So I went ahead and had a cheap circumcision
But although it was a lot cheaper it was a rip off
I LOVE THE HUMAN BODY
I love the human body though some
Bits more than others I must confess
And I thank God for nipples, as without
Them breasts would be pointless
OUTSIDE THE DRUG REHAB CENTRE
Outside the drug rehab centre
There was something a little crass
There was a sign on the lawn
That said “Keep off the Grass”
I AM NOT HANDY ABOUT THE HOUSE
I am not handy about the house
Or with the “Do It Yourself” game
And when a book falls on my head
I've only got my shelf to blame
DARTH VADER WAS SOMETHING OF A BAKER
Darth Vader was something of a baker
It was a side of him he liked to hide
He wasn’t good and when he made biscuits
They were always a little on the dark side
Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
If I can get one from Pets at home
ARE YOU WEARING A SAILOR SUIT?
Are you wearing a sailor suit?
Are you trying to look cute?
Or are you trying to win a bet
Either way you just look wet
I LOVE JESSICA RABBIT
I love Jessica Rabbit,
I watch her films all the time
I find her so erotic
It’s just like watching porn
But don’t blame sweet Jessica
For my peccadilloes
It’s really not her fault
It’s just the way she’s drawn
THERE MAY WELL BE, AS THEY SAY
There may well be, as they say
“Plenty of fish in the sea”
But until I catch myself a cod
I'm left holding my rod
ONCE I FOUND OUT THAT MASTURBATING
Once I found out that masturbating
Was an addictive habit
I knew from that very moment on
That I just had to beat it
I ALWAYS WEAR A SEAT BELT
I always wear a seat belt
Even though they do constrict
But I couldn't work out how
To do it up and then it clicked
I CAN’T PLAY MY INSTRUMENT
I can’t play my instrument
We were mismatched
So I am selling my guitar
No strings attached
I WENT AWAY TO A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY
I went away to a third world country in secret
Because I knew the British doctors would scoff
So I went ahead and had a cheap circumcision
But although it was a lot cheaper it was a rip off
I LOVE THE HUMAN BODY
I love the human body though some
Bits more than others I must confess
And I thank God for nipples, as without
Them breasts would be pointless
OUTSIDE THE DRUG REHAB CENTRE
Outside the drug rehab centre
There was something a little crass
There was a sign on the lawn
That said “Keep off the Grass”
I AM NOT HANDY ABOUT THE HOUSE
I am not handy about the house
Or with the “Do It Yourself” game
And when a book falls on my head
I've only got my shelf to blame
DARTH VADER WAS SOMETHING OF A BAKER
Darth Vader was something of a baker
It was a side of him he liked to hide
He wasn’t good and when he made biscuits
They were always a little on the dark side
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