All This And World War Too

PUT DOWN YOUR PEN

Put down your pen, write no more
Names on the honour roll
The count id done, praise God
Listen well as the peace bells toll
At last the bloodshed is at an end
Let’s lose no more friends or foes

HUMPH

On Victory in Europe Day
On the eighth of May 1945
Amidst the happy throng
Outside Buck House
He was joyfully playing
“Roll out the Barrel”
On his trumpet
Whilst being perambulated
In a wheelbarrow
And that was how
Lt Humphrey Lyttelton
Inadvertently gave his
First ever performance
On the BBC
Which survives to this day
On the BBC news reels

HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - ODETTE SANSOM HALLOWES GC, MBE

She was French born
But served as an agent for the SOE
In April 1943 “Lise”
Was betrayed to the Germans
Along with her future husband
Peter Churchill
And The SD interrogated them at
84 Avenue Foch, their HQ in Paris
Though tortured with red hot pokers
They kept to their cover story
That he was both her husband
And Winston Churchill’s nephew
Which seemed to do the trick
With confirmation from London
But she was condemned to death in June 1943
But was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
The Churchill’s nephew story stuck
And when the allies got close
The Camp commandant Fritz Suhren
Drove Sansom to the allied lines
To surrender to the Americans
Hoping to save his own neck
Which didn’t work
Odette testified in 1946
At the Hamburg Ravensbrück Trials
And he was hanged in 1950
Odette was subsequently awarded
A British George Cross, an MBE and
A French Chevalier de la Légion d'honneur

THANK GOD FOR LITTLE BELGIUM

Thank God for little Belgium
Bravely holding off the Hun
Mounting a strong defence
So no easy victory was won
Gaining time for their allies
And maddening the Hun
A high price had to be paid
By Belgian mother and son
It was called the rape of Belgium
When the fighting was done

LT HUMPHREY LYTTELTON OF THE BRIGADE OF GUARDS

When he landed on the beach at Salerno
The unsuspecting enemy were met
By a signals officer, with a pistol
In one hand and in the other his trumpet

HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - NOOR INAYAT KHAN GC

She was Russian born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In October 1943 “Madelaine”
Was betrayed to the Germans
And the SD Interrogated her at
84 Avenue Foch
Their HQ in Paris
Though she had the face of an angel
She fought her captors so fiercely
They were scared of her,
And treated her as extremely dangerous
After many escape attempts
She was transferred to Germany
After almost a year in captivity
She was taken to Dachau
Along with three other agents
And in the early morning hours
Of 13th September 1944,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
As far as the British were concerned
She was only missing
And she was mentioned in despatches
It wasn’t until 1949
When she was posthumously awarded
A British George Cross and
A French Croix de Guerre with Silver Star.

OLD SOLDIERS WEARIED WITH AGE

Old soldiers wearied with age
Marching with faltering stride
Carry themselves with dignity
And wear the uniform with pride

AFTER WAR WAS DECLARED

The bombing began
Cities were struck
With vengeance
Night after night
Shattering explosions of death
Shaking the ground
Delivering deadly destruction
Buildings fell to the ground.
Stones and bricks
Turned to shrapnel
As architecture was rent asunder
Death meted out indiscriminately
On the innocents
The mighty Luftwaffe
Had declared war on civilians
Theatres and churches
Schools and homes
Pubs and shops
All fell victim
Little was spared
In those terrible raids
Many British Cities
Still bear the scars

HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - DENISE MADELEINE BLOCH

She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In June 1944 “Ambroise”
She was captured by the Germans
After lengthy interrogation
She was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And in the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A Kings Commendation for Brave Conduct
And a French Croix de Guerre with bronze star
A French Chevalier de la Légion d'honneur
And the Médaille de la Résistance

DESPERATE YEARS WHEN DAYS WERE DARK

Desperate years when days were dark
Some darker when sirens were sounding
When the scared fled to their shelters
While their Cities took a pounding

THE WHISTLES BLEW

The whistles blew
And over the top
Went the company
Moving as one
Through the smoke
And strewn before us
Broken and bloody
In the Flanders mud
Lay the fallen,
Comrades all
Lifeless and cold
But on we walked
Each of us knowing
We might join them soon

HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - LILIAN VERA ROLFE MBE

She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In July 1944 “Nadine”
She was captured by the Germans
And transported to Fresnes Prison in Paris,
Where she was interrogated repeatedly
And brutally tortured until August
She was then transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And in the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A French Croix de Guerre with palm, an MBE
And was mentioned her in despatches

ON THE HOME-FRONT

On the home-front
Brave men and women
Gave their all
Granddad was a special
Mum was a WRAC
Her sister was on the land
Great Uncle Bill
Was in the home guard
Uncle Fred was in the ARP
Not everyone did their bit
But the majority rolled up their sleeves
Some did more than others
But everyone was under fire

BLOOD SWEPT LANDS

What a stunning and fitting tribute
Well met at the Bloody Tower
A Poppy Sea, marking the toll
Levied at the eleventh hour
Ceramic Poppies, flower and stem
Placed so we will remember them

HEROINES OF THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS EXECUTIVE - VIOLETTE REINE ELIZABETH SZABO, GC

She was French born
But died as an agent for the SOE
In June 1944 while on a mission
She was captured by the Germans
And the SD Interrogated her at Limoges
Then transferred her to 84 Avenue Foch
Their HQ in Paris
But with the Allies closing in
She was transferred to Germany
To be imprisoned at Ravensbrück
Along with two other agents
And In the early morning hours
In February 1945,
They were shot in the back of the head
Their bodies then immediately
Burned in the crematorium.
She was posthumously awarded
A British George Cross and
A French Croix de Guerre with bronze star
And the Médaille de la Résistance

HAVING WON THE WAR

Having won the war we struggled in peace
We lived those post war days austerely
But truly believed it was for the best
Despite feeling the rationing severely
But out children charged on into the sixties
And lived the decade too cavalierly

Pancake Week

SHROVE TUESDAY

Since before the Christian era
Shrove Tuesday or Pancake Day
Was celebrated far and wide
And was originally a pagan holiday

Changing seasons was a struggle
Between Jarilo the God of brightness
Vegetation, fertility and springtime
And the evil spirits of cold and darkness

So they had to help the God Jarilo
And victory meant spring had begun
So they cooked and ate pancakes
Hot and round symbolizing the sun

ASH WEDNESDAY

Ashes are placed on the heads
Of worshipers on Ash Wednesday,
Either by being sprinkled or
More often the traditional way
By being marked as a visible cross
On their foreheads on the day

ASH WEDNESDAY FIRST DAY OF LENT

The palm branches blessed on Palm Sunday,
Are the following year, burnt and blessed again
And placed on the heads of the participants
To the accompaniment of the familiar refrain
"Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return”
And the Lenten season has begun once again

A Little Bit Of Humour # 92

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 366

Five little speckled frogs
Sat on a great big log
But they were soon to become
A delicious entre yum, yum

ARE YOU WEARING A SNOOD?

Are you wearing a snood?
Well I don’t like to be rude
But isn’t it a bit of a palaver
And it looks like a balaclava

I'VE SWALLOWED SOME

I've swallowed some of my
Scrabble tiles accidentally
I’m afraid when nature takes
It course it could spell tragedy

I CAN HEAR REALLY ANNOYING MUSIC

I can hear really annoying music
And it’s getting to be a real pain
It’s emanating from inside my printer
I think the paper's jammin' again

I WAS JUST SITTING THERE THINKING

I was just sitting there thinking
And wondered why absentmindedly
The baseball was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me

I WAS JUST SITTING IN THE STAND

I was just sitting in the stand
And wondered why absentmindedly
The football was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me

LOOK IT’S NOT LIKE I’M HURTING ANYONE

Look it’s not like I’m hurting anyone
It’s not like I fell for her out of habit
And can I say I’m only human after all
So is it weird that I fancy Jessica Rabbit?

MY MUM GAVE ME THE SEX TALK

My mum gave me the sex talk
And during it she told me what to do
“You don’t have to put anything
In your mouth that you don’t want to”
Well I thought about it for a while
And then I stopped eating tofu

HE ASKED ME A QUESTION

He asked me a question
In the most cryptic of ways
Does your mouth bleed?
Every twenty eight days?
And I didn’t recognise it
As an insult for several days

A SUSPECT IN THE ALASKAN MURDER CASE

A suspect in the Alaskan murder case
Was asked for an alibi by Detective Starch
When he asked "So tell me where you
Were on the night of September to March?"

I REALLY ENJOYED OUR DATE

I really enjoyed our date
I’m so glad that you rang
It was a brilliant Guy Fawkes
Night that ended with a bang

I THINK GOOGLE IS A WOMAN

I think Google is a woman because
It won't let me finish my question
Or a sentence for that matter, before
It starts making other suggestions

A Little Bit Of Humour # 91

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 365

Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
If I can get one from Pets at home

ARE YOU WEARING A SAILOR SUIT?

Are you wearing a sailor suit?
Are you trying to look cute?
Or are you trying to win a bet
Either way you just look wet

I LOVE JESSICA RABBIT

I love Jessica Rabbit,
I watch her films all the time
I find her so erotic
It’s just like watching porn
But don’t blame sweet Jessica
For my peccadilloes
It’s really not her fault
It’s just the way she’s drawn

THERE MAY WELL BE, AS THEY SAY

There may well be, as they say
“Plenty of fish in the sea”
But until I catch myself a cod
I'm left holding my rod

ONCE I FOUND OUT THAT MASTURBATING

Once I found out that masturbating
Was an addictive habit
I knew from that very moment on
That I just had to beat it

I ALWAYS WEAR A SEAT BELT

I always wear a seat belt
Even though they do constrict
But I couldn't work out how
To do it up and then it clicked

I CAN’T PLAY MY INSTRUMENT

I can’t play my instrument
We were mismatched
So I am selling my guitar
No strings attached

I WENT AWAY TO A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY

I went away to a third world country in secret
Because I knew the British doctors would scoff
So I went ahead and had a cheap circumcision
But although it was a lot cheaper it was a rip off

I LOVE THE HUMAN BODY

I love the human body though some
Bits more than others I must confess
And I thank God for nipples, as without
Them breasts would be pointless

OUTSIDE THE DRUG REHAB CENTRE

Outside the drug rehab centre
There was something a little crass
There was a sign on the lawn
That said “Keep off the Grass”

I AM NOT HANDY ABOUT THE HOUSE

I am not handy about the house
Or with the “Do It Yourself” game
And when a book falls on my head
I've only got my shelf to blame

DARTH VADER WAS SOMETHING OF A BAKER

Darth Vader was something of a baker
It was a side of him he liked to hide
He wasn’t good and when he made biscuits
They were always a little on the dark side

A Little Bit Of Humour # 90

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 364

King and Queen of Cantelon,
How many miles to Babylon?
Well that would depend upon
Where you are starting from

ARE YOU WEARING A SHELL SUIT?

Are you wearing a shell suit?
Well don’t you just look cute
But I know where you are heading
And it’s not suitable for a wedding

EIGHT OUT OF TEN INNER CITY MALES

Eight out of ten inner city males
Have had sex in the shower, they admit
However the other twenty percent
It would seem haven't been to prison yet

BUSINESS CONVENTIONS ARE IMPORTANT

Business conventions are important
They demonstrate without a doubt
Exactly how many employees that
A company can operate without

YOU HAVE THIRTY PAIRS

You have thirty pairs
Of shoes, more or less
And standing in the room
In obvious distress
Won’t make me choose
No matter how much you press
The appropriate pair
To go with that dress

MY WIFE AND I ARE SEPARATED

My wife and I are separated
And the reason why we parted
She started all conversations
After the programs had started

NUMBERS OF TORTOISES AND TERRAPINS

Numbers of Tortoises and Terrapins
In the wild are falling faster and faster
Biologists and Environmentalists
Are all predicting a Turtle disaster

THE RECRUITMENT CONSULTANT ASKED ME

The recruitment consultant asked me
“What do you think of voluntary work”?
“To be honest with you I wouldn't do it
If you paid me” I replied with a smirk

NO MATTER WHAT LIFE THROWS YOUR WAY

No matter what life throws your way
The future is the cure for all sorrow
And nicest thing about the future is
That it will always start tomorrow

THE POLICE ARE BEING ISSUED WITH PENCILS

The police are being issued with pencils and
Very thin sheets of paper, all very low tech
It’s a new initiative being rolled out so that
When crimes occur they can trace a suspect

THE BLIZZARD OF OZ

The Blizzard of Oz
Continued to blow
Until the yellow brick road
Was covered in snow

MY DOCTOR IS A LOCUM

My doctor is a Locum
Who replaced Dr Slocombe
And all I get is Hokum
With a sprinkling of bunkum
But I have my heath so Ho hum

A Little Bit Of Humour # 89

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 363

How many miles to Babylon?
Are measured in the blood
Of the innocents

ARE YOU WEARING A DENIM SKIRT?

Are you wearing a denim skirt?
Whether it’s in fashion or not
If you don’t mind me being bold
You manage to make it look hot

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 11

If your blind date is described to you
As “Young at heart” it’s just a trick
Read between the lines and see they’re
Trying to fob you off with some old geriatric

WHENEVER WE ARGUE

Whenever we argue
You cry without fail
Has no one ever told you
Crying is blackmail

MONEY MAY NOT INDEED BE THE KEY

Money may not indeed be the key
To happiness, but
If you have enough money you can
Have your own key cut

WHY CAN'T YOU RUN THROUGH A CAMP?

Why can't you run through a camp?
Because that would cause grammatical offence
You cannot run through a camp at all
It would obviously “be ran” because it's past tents

I’VE BEEN DOING A SELF-HELP COURSE

I’ve been doing a self-help course
But it hasn’t helped a bit
I’ve attended all the classes
And read the literature, which is shit
I can’t build myself a mountain
Or catch rainbows and such,
I’m better off at home watching telly
And it doesn’t cost so much

MY GRANDDAD WON’T EAT BROWN BREAD

My granddad won’t eat brown bread
Because he doesn’t have to anymore
When he was a boy his whole family
Had to eat it because they were poor

WHEN POLICE SEARCHED THE HOME

When Police searched the home
Of Cliff Richard, and were to seize
A very large amount of material
Because they were led to believe
There was a link to Yew Tree
And they found among the amalgam
To their complete and utter disgust
That he was releasing a new album

THE FIRST TESTICULAR PROTECTION

The first testicular protection
Known as a "box" was introduced
In 1874
Whereas the first cranial protection
Known as a “helmet” was introduced
In 1974
So it only took a hundred years
For Cricketers to figure out the score
That balls shouldn’t be more
Important than brains anymore

BATSMEN WEAR A PROTECTIVE BOX

Batsmen wear a protective box
In order to ensure
That the bowler cannot
Rearrange his furniture

ESKIMO FISHERMEN

Eskimo fishermen sat shivering in their kayak
So they lit a fire in the craft to warm the two
And it immediately sank, proving once and for all
That you can't have your kayak and heat it too

A Little Bit Of Humour # 88

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 362

Are you sleeping, are you sleeping,
Brother John? Brother John?
Your alarm is buzzing,
Your alarm is buzzing
Wake up John, Wake up John

ARE YOU WEARING A PLASTIC MAC?

Are you wearing a plastic Mac?
It’s a very practical garment
But wearing it over your clothes
Was the garments original intent

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 10

If your blind date is described to you
As “A Good Listener” don’t go all romantic
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll be Borderline Autistic

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 8

Is there anything more annoying?
If I had my way it would be a crime
Those people who point at their wrist
While they are asking for the time

MAMIL IS AN ACRONYM

MAMIL is an acronym
For “Middle Aged Men In Lycra”
I have to confess that’s not the word
I use for an old peddle cycler

I REMEMBER WELL THAT FATEFUL DAY

I remember well that fateful day
When I read of the evils of drinking
And so shocked was I that I decided
On that very spot to give up reading

HER GRANDSON WAS AT UNIVERSITY

Her grandson was at university
And wrote he was learning Judo
Why a Christian boy would want
To convert she just didn’t know

MY ONCE SWEET WIFE HAS BECOME MEAN

My once sweet wife has become mean
And short tempered thanks to the menopause
I try to be sympathetic but on her really bad days
I think it’s more like the mental pause

IF THE ADVICE FOR A MAN WHO HAS LOST

If the advice for a man who has lost
Interest in sex is to see a doctor
What would the advice be if
The sufferer is actually a doctor?

I WAS JUST SITTING THERE IN THE PARK

I was just sitting there in the park
And wondered why absentmindedly
The Frisbee was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me

I CAN’T QUITE REMEMBER HOW

I can’t quite remember how
To throw a boomerang now
But then eventually
It came back to me

A CHICKPEA AND A LENTIL

A chickpea and a lentil, what is
The difference between that brace?
It’s simple really because no one
Ever paid to have a lentil on their face