DIETING TIP # 2
When you eat with someone else
Calories don't count for you
Just as long as you don’t eat
Any more food than they do
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 334
Old Father Goose,
Had hands that would wander
But when he couldn’t goose
He had to settle for a gander
ARE YOU WEARING SPANX AGAIN?
Are you wearing spanx again?
But they cause you so much pain
When they’re on you look smart
But they restrict your ability to fart
HOMELESS SNOWMAN
He was dressed in rags
And made from snow
A poor homeless snowman
A sad lonely snowbo
THE REASON THEY PIPE IN THE HAGGIS
The reason they pipe in the haggis
Without any fluster or hurry
Is to warn the discerning diner
So they can go and get a curry
REVEREND FOGHORN LEGHORN
Reverend Foghorn Leghorn
Has done his reputation damage
When he was ejected from church
For using fowl language
THE CHILDREN LIKE TO SING
The children like to sing
In the family broom, broom
Anything and everything
The kids call them cartoons
MANY THINGS CAN BE PRESERVED
Many things can be preserved
In alcohol, the list nears infinity
But among that endless list
One of them is not your dignity
IF SCIENTIST’S WERE EVER TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS
If scientist’s were ever to achieve success
In a cross breeding in which they would exult
Between a rabbit’s foot and a four leaf clover
Until a rash of good luck would be the result
BIMBETTE AND THE CAR POOL
Bimbette got locked out of her car
In the pouring rain
She had forgotten her keys
So went back in the house again
When she got in the car
She started to frown
The seats were soaked
Because the roof had been down
I WAS BEATEN UP BY A HULA HOOP
I was beaten up by a hula hoop
A round, bad-tempered fink
It was a totally unprovoked attack
It was a “vicious circle” I think
IF BOTANIST’S WERE TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS
If botanist’s were to achieve success
A cross germination in which to exult
Between poison ivy and a four leaf clover
A rash of good luck would be the result
LET ME FULFIL ALL YOUR WISHES
Let me fulfil all your wishes
To shower you with kisses
But please don’t tell the Mrs
MIDDLE-AGED CONTRACEPTION
I have found that at my age
The best form of contraception
That works for me anyway
Is to leave the bedroom light on
BIRTHDAY RITUAL
When I have a birthday
I take the day off
When my wife has one
She takes a year off
Wednesday, 7 January 2015
A Little Bit Of Humour # 73
CINDERELLA’S TEAM IS BOTTOM OF THE LEAGUE # 1
Cinderella’s team is bottom of the league
They’re even lower than the bumpkins
But it’s obvious why they struggle
Because the team coach is a pumpkin
A STRIKER AND A MAGICIAN
A striker and a magician
Clearly have in common
An almost instinctive ability
To do hat tricks effectively
THERE WAS A FOUR HOUR POWER CUT
There was a four hour power cut
While she was in the department store
And Bimbette then spent all four hours
Trapped halfway up the escalator
DOWN AT THE STABLES
Down at the stables
We have a dirty phone caller
Who we have nicknamed
The hoarse Whisperer
IF THE MOUNTAINS OF THE WORLD
If the mountains of the world
Were to be put to the test
The most intelligent one
Would be mount cleverest
MY UNCLE HAS WRITTEN AN EXPOSE
My Uncle has written an expose
It’s a real kiss and tell
About being a vet, it’s called
All creatures grunt and smell
DIETING TIP # 1
When you are alone
And you eat something
It has no calories, as long
As no one sees a thing
FOGHORN LEGHORN’S COOP
Have you ever wondered why?
A chicken coop has two doors?
Because it would obviously be
A chicken Sedan if it had four
IF YOU WERE TO TRAIN QUASIMODO
If you were to train Quasimodo
For an American footballer game
The result of training would be
The Halfback of Notre Dame
THE COLDEST COUNTRY ON EARTH
The coldest country on earth
Is not Lapland? Isn’t that silly
It’s a place that make you shiver
But nothing at all like Chile
THE SNOWMAN STOOD ON HIS LAWN
The snowman stood on his lawn
With a smile across his face
Because the snow blower was
Heading towards his place
HERALDING ITS ARRIVAL
Heralding its arrival
A lone piper suitably bedecked
Leads the procession
To the hosts table unchecked
It’s delivered to the supper
With such deferential respect
Then addressed and served
Not to eat it shows disrespect
Well if I’ve eaten anything fouler
Then I truly cannot recollect
IT’S A SURE SIGN YOU HAVE LOST # 1
It’s a sure sign you have lost
Your sex appeal for certain
When the local peeping tom
Chooses to close your curtain
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 333
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
We'll all make meth
PC’s take it off again,
PC’s take it off again,
PC’s take it off again,
We're all going away
ARE YOU WEARING A DOPEY LOOK?
Are you wearing a dopey look?
Come on tell me what’s to blame
No please don’t answer that
And I don’t want to know her name
Cinderella’s team is bottom of the league
They’re even lower than the bumpkins
But it’s obvious why they struggle
Because the team coach is a pumpkin
A STRIKER AND A MAGICIAN
A striker and a magician
Clearly have in common
An almost instinctive ability
To do hat tricks effectively
THERE WAS A FOUR HOUR POWER CUT
There was a four hour power cut
While she was in the department store
And Bimbette then spent all four hours
Trapped halfway up the escalator
DOWN AT THE STABLES
Down at the stables
We have a dirty phone caller
Who we have nicknamed
The hoarse Whisperer
IF THE MOUNTAINS OF THE WORLD
If the mountains of the world
Were to be put to the test
The most intelligent one
Would be mount cleverest
MY UNCLE HAS WRITTEN AN EXPOSE
My Uncle has written an expose
It’s a real kiss and tell
About being a vet, it’s called
All creatures grunt and smell
DIETING TIP # 1
When you are alone
And you eat something
It has no calories, as long
As no one sees a thing
FOGHORN LEGHORN’S COOP
Have you ever wondered why?
A chicken coop has two doors?
Because it would obviously be
A chicken Sedan if it had four
IF YOU WERE TO TRAIN QUASIMODO
If you were to train Quasimodo
For an American footballer game
The result of training would be
The Halfback of Notre Dame
THE COLDEST COUNTRY ON EARTH
The coldest country on earth
Is not Lapland? Isn’t that silly
It’s a place that make you shiver
But nothing at all like Chile
THE SNOWMAN STOOD ON HIS LAWN
The snowman stood on his lawn
With a smile across his face
Because the snow blower was
Heading towards his place
HERALDING ITS ARRIVAL
Heralding its arrival
A lone piper suitably bedecked
Leads the procession
To the hosts table unchecked
It’s delivered to the supper
With such deferential respect
Then addressed and served
Not to eat it shows disrespect
Well if I’ve eaten anything fouler
Then I truly cannot recollect
IT’S A SURE SIGN YOU HAVE LOST # 1
It’s a sure sign you have lost
Your sex appeal for certain
When the local peeping tom
Chooses to close your curtain
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 333
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
We'll all make meth
PC’s take it off again,
PC’s take it off again,
PC’s take it off again,
We're all going away
ARE YOU WEARING A DOPEY LOOK?
Are you wearing a dopey look?
Come on tell me what’s to blame
No please don’t answer that
And I don’t want to know her name
New Year 2015
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 1
I was separated from my wife
Due to my serial infidelity
And found myself in bed again
With her best friend Felicity
It was on New Year’s Day
And Felicity asked me
“Did you make a resolution?
What was it? Go on tell me”
I replied “Not to be unfaithful
Ever again to my wife Pru”
As she climbed onto me she asked
“How’s that working out for you?”
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 2
I made a New Year’s resolution
To stop having one night stands
Which would be easier to do
If second dates were in my plans
NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?
ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES
When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope
THE YEAR IS TURNING
The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution
FROM ONE YEAR TO THE NEXT
I want to kiss you
On December 31st
Before the clock strikes twelve
Until the last chime
Echoes in the night
Of January the first
So one year will come to an end
In the most amazing way
And the next will have
A beautiful beginning
I was separated from my wife
Due to my serial infidelity
And found myself in bed again
With her best friend Felicity
It was on New Year’s Day
And Felicity asked me
“Did you make a resolution?
What was it? Go on tell me”
I replied “Not to be unfaithful
Ever again to my wife Pru”
As she climbed onto me she asked
“How’s that working out for you?”
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 2
I made a New Year’s resolution
To stop having one night stands
Which would be easier to do
If second dates were in my plans
NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?
ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES
When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope
THE YEAR IS TURNING
The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution
FROM ONE YEAR TO THE NEXT
I want to kiss you
On December 31st
Before the clock strikes twelve
Until the last chime
Echoes in the night
Of January the first
So one year will come to an end
In the most amazing way
And the next will have
A beautiful beginning
Thursday, 27 November 2014
A Little Bit Of Humour # 72
A YOUNG WOMAN GOLFER
A young woman golfer had just started
Her round, when she was stung by a Bee,
It was so painful she abandoned the game
And returned to the clubhouse for sympathy
Her golf pro saw her as she returned
And wondered why she was back so early
So he went to ask her what was wrong
And she told him “'I was stung by a Bee”
“Oh dear, that’s awful” he said “Where?”
He was sympathetic right from the start
“Between the first and second hole”
She replied wincing at the stings smart.
He nodded knowingly and said
“Then your feet were too far apart”
THE OFFER THAT SWUNG THE VOTE
The offer that swung the vote
On the recent referendum day
Was lowering healthy portions
From five, to three a day
TO UNDERSTAND DISABILITY
To understand disability, you should
Put yourself in their place
You might want to start by using
A disabled Parking space
AFRICA HAS ITS PROBLEMS
Africa has its problems
With the outbreak of Ebola
But spare a thought for
Every Little Englander
Who is exposed every
Summer to Tombola
DR WHO IS VERY, VERY OLD
Dr Who is very, very old
Even for a time traveller
And I think he is also
Suffering from Dimensia
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION
Crime Scene Investigation
Better known as CSI
Has been on the air so long
It should be renamed RSI
MY COUSIN IS A LOOKALIKE
My cousin is a lookalike,
He’s a dead ringer
For Prince Harry Wales
He’s a Doppelginger
TOFU GATEAUX
For my birthday my kids
Bought me a Tofu Gateaux
Which was as much use to me
As a slinky in a bungalow
POLITICIANS PRETEND
Politicians pretend to
Represent the people
But in reality, they
See us merely as Sheople
DON’T REST UPON YOUR LAURELS
Don’t rest upon your laurels
Once you’ve reached top
Because someone on the ladder
Is just waiting for you to drop
IF YOU EAT A BURGER
If you eat a burger
And it gives you the trots
You will probably find
It was horsemeat like as not
I LOVE IT WHEN WE BEAT THE AUSSIES
I love it when we beat the Aussies
It’s a bit of a passion of mine
Because they are such bad losers
I’m way up on cloud nine
I like to ask them, “Would you like
Some cheese with that whine?”
A young woman golfer had just started
Her round, when she was stung by a Bee,
It was so painful she abandoned the game
And returned to the clubhouse for sympathy
Her golf pro saw her as she returned
And wondered why she was back so early
So he went to ask her what was wrong
And she told him “'I was stung by a Bee”
“Oh dear, that’s awful” he said “Where?”
He was sympathetic right from the start
“Between the first and second hole”
She replied wincing at the stings smart.
He nodded knowingly and said
“Then your feet were too far apart”
THE OFFER THAT SWUNG THE VOTE
The offer that swung the vote
On the recent referendum day
Was lowering healthy portions
From five, to three a day
TO UNDERSTAND DISABILITY
To understand disability, you should
Put yourself in their place
You might want to start by using
A disabled Parking space
AFRICA HAS ITS PROBLEMS
Africa has its problems
With the outbreak of Ebola
But spare a thought for
Every Little Englander
Who is exposed every
Summer to Tombola
DR WHO IS VERY, VERY OLD
Dr Who is very, very old
Even for a time traveller
And I think he is also
Suffering from Dimensia
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION
Crime Scene Investigation
Better known as CSI
Has been on the air so long
It should be renamed RSI
MY COUSIN IS A LOOKALIKE
My cousin is a lookalike,
He’s a dead ringer
For Prince Harry Wales
He’s a Doppelginger
TOFU GATEAUX
For my birthday my kids
Bought me a Tofu Gateaux
Which was as much use to me
As a slinky in a bungalow
POLITICIANS PRETEND
Politicians pretend to
Represent the people
But in reality, they
See us merely as Sheople
DON’T REST UPON YOUR LAURELS
Don’t rest upon your laurels
Once you’ve reached top
Because someone on the ladder
Is just waiting for you to drop
IF YOU EAT A BURGER
If you eat a burger
And it gives you the trots
You will probably find
It was horsemeat like as not
I LOVE IT WHEN WE BEAT THE AUSSIES
I love it when we beat the Aussies
It’s a bit of a passion of mine
Because they are such bad losers
I’m way up on cloud nine
I like to ask them, “Would you like
Some cheese with that whine?”
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 6
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 13
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the dwelling
the fragrances of Christmas
Was all we were smelling
I DON'T WANT MUCH FOR CHRISTMAS
I don't want much for Christmas
What I want is quite naïve
And an unrealistic expectation
I just want everybody to be happy
I know it’s a forlorn hope
But miracles do happen at Christmas
THROUGHOUT THE YULETIDE SEASON
Throughout the yuletide season
In the light of the fireside glow
Christmas garlands are strung
Of Holly, Ivy and Mistletoe
BALTHAZAR, MELCHIOR AND CASPAR
Balthazar, Melchior and Caspar
The wise men of the east
Search for the prince of peace
Gods dove against the beast
And with the holy birth
The light of love was released
A NOVELTY CHRISTMAS CAPER
It was a novelty Christmas caper
I was given some Sudoku toilet paper
Not a gift I would choose
You can only use number 1s and 2s
WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES
When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope
ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?
THE YEAR IS TURNING
The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the dwelling
the fragrances of Christmas
Was all we were smelling
I DON'T WANT MUCH FOR CHRISTMAS
I don't want much for Christmas
What I want is quite naïve
And an unrealistic expectation
I just want everybody to be happy
I know it’s a forlorn hope
But miracles do happen at Christmas
THROUGHOUT THE YULETIDE SEASON
Throughout the yuletide season
In the light of the fireside glow
Christmas garlands are strung
Of Holly, Ivy and Mistletoe
BALTHAZAR, MELCHIOR AND CASPAR
Balthazar, Melchior and Caspar
The wise men of the east
Search for the prince of peace
Gods dove against the beast
And with the holy birth
The light of love was released
A NOVELTY CHRISTMAS CAPER
It was a novelty Christmas caper
I was given some Sudoku toilet paper
Not a gift I would choose
You can only use number 1s and 2s
WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES
When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope
ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?
THE YEAR IS TURNING
The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 5
ARE YOU WEARING ELFIN EARS?
Are you wearing elfin ears?
They go with your elfin features
Let’s go and play in dingerly dell
With all the woodland creatures
CHRISTMAS SPOILERS
The Christmas spoilers
Will soon be with us again
And that as you well know
Means the bloody children
THE QUEEN’S SPEECH
The Queen it would appear
Gets a TV special every year
But one of my many queries
Is why does she never get a series?
IF YOU LISTEN CAREFULLY
If you listen carefully
Late on Christmas Eve
You might hear a sound
You might not believe
For behind the skirting
In the quiet of the house
The little creatures say
Happy Christmouse
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 12
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the bungalow
not a creature was stirring
In the firelight glow
IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE IN DAD’S HOUSE
It was Christmas Eve in Dad’s house,
And not a hint of the season in sight
No stockings hang by the fire side
He was such a miserable old shite
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
It’s Christmas Eve
The mood is merry
Listen to the sleigh bells
Here comes Mr C
ON CHRISTMAS EVE, A NUTCRACKER
On Christmas Eve, a nutcracker
Is turned into a handsome Prince,
Clara saves him from the Mouse King
And go to the land of sweets and mints
There they dance around for a bit
Before the Prince takes Clara as his belle
And they marry and that’s The End
And that is the nutcracker in a nutshell
THE NIGHT IS CLEAR
The night is clear
Here! Here!
Can’t you hear?
It’s the reindeer
Santa is near
Let us cheer,
Open a Beer
Christmas is here
IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY IN MY MUMS HOUSE
It was Christmas day in Mum’s house
And the table was laden with fare
And the love flowed like the wine
Oh how I wish I was back there
Are you wearing elfin ears?
They go with your elfin features
Let’s go and play in dingerly dell
With all the woodland creatures
CHRISTMAS SPOILERS
The Christmas spoilers
Will soon be with us again
And that as you well know
Means the bloody children
THE QUEEN’S SPEECH
The Queen it would appear
Gets a TV special every year
But one of my many queries
Is why does she never get a series?
IF YOU LISTEN CAREFULLY
If you listen carefully
Late on Christmas Eve
You might hear a sound
You might not believe
For behind the skirting
In the quiet of the house
The little creatures say
Happy Christmouse
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 12
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the bungalow
not a creature was stirring
In the firelight glow
IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE IN DAD’S HOUSE
It was Christmas Eve in Dad’s house,
And not a hint of the season in sight
No stockings hang by the fire side
He was such a miserable old shite
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
It’s Christmas Eve
The mood is merry
Listen to the sleigh bells
Here comes Mr C
ON CHRISTMAS EVE, A NUTCRACKER
On Christmas Eve, a nutcracker
Is turned into a handsome Prince,
Clara saves him from the Mouse King
And go to the land of sweets and mints
There they dance around for a bit
Before the Prince takes Clara as his belle
And they marry and that’s The End
And that is the nutcracker in a nutshell
THE NIGHT IS CLEAR
The night is clear
Here! Here!
Can’t you hear?
It’s the reindeer
Santa is near
Let us cheer,
Open a Beer
Christmas is here
IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY IN MY MUMS HOUSE
It was Christmas day in Mum’s house
And the table was laden with fare
And the love flowed like the wine
Oh how I wish I was back there
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 4
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 17
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a louse
But there is a reason and here’s the tell
It’s just been fumigated and stank like hell
EBENEZER SCROOGE WENT TO COURT
Ebenezer Scrooge went to court,
Accused of shagging a cat
The judge dismissed the case in a jiffy
And said in all his years as a judge,
That he'd never known Scrooge
To put anything into a kitty
CHRISTMAS ISN’T JUST ABOUT PRESENTS
Christmas isn’t just about presents
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Christmas marks the birth
Of the saviour of all mankind
CELEBRATING CRIMBO
Some drunken bimbo
With legs akimbo
Showing off her bits
From ankle to pits
Lay in the gutter
And was heard to utter
To a fellow bimbo
Hacky crambo
ARE YOU WEARING ELF EARS?
Are you wearing elf ears?
It’s a very sweet look on you
So take me to your workshop
And do what little elves do
THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE
The best form of exercise
Is sex! Well that’s what they say
But five minutes at Christmas
Won’t take my beer gut away
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU BOTH
Happy Christmas to you both
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year
We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year
We will remember
And take a pause
Amidst the cheer
Just like every year
So we wish you
A happy Christmas
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year
Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993
Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978
ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT
When my Dad was just a boy
He never saw a lemon or Lime
And oranges only ever appeared
In his house at Christmas time
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 11
Twas the night before Christmas
And all around the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a peasant
ARE YOU WEARING A PAPER HAT?
Are you wearing a paper hat?
It’s Christmas day and that’s that
We’ve pulled our Christmas crackers
So everyone must wears a paper hat
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a louse
But there is a reason and here’s the tell
It’s just been fumigated and stank like hell
EBENEZER SCROOGE WENT TO COURT
Ebenezer Scrooge went to court,
Accused of shagging a cat
The judge dismissed the case in a jiffy
And said in all his years as a judge,
That he'd never known Scrooge
To put anything into a kitty
CHRISTMAS ISN’T JUST ABOUT PRESENTS
Christmas isn’t just about presents
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Christmas marks the birth
Of the saviour of all mankind
CELEBRATING CRIMBO
Some drunken bimbo
With legs akimbo
Showing off her bits
From ankle to pits
Lay in the gutter
And was heard to utter
To a fellow bimbo
Hacky crambo
ARE YOU WEARING ELF EARS?
Are you wearing elf ears?
It’s a very sweet look on you
So take me to your workshop
And do what little elves do
THE BEST FORM OF EXERCISE
The best form of exercise
Is sex! Well that’s what they say
But five minutes at Christmas
Won’t take my beer gut away
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU BOTH
Happy Christmas to you both
See, we did remember
Because you are so dear
Just like every year
We will never forget
We just wish and wish
You were still here
Just like every year
We will remember
And take a pause
Amidst the cheer
Just like every year
So we wish you
A happy Christmas
And wipe away a tear
Just like every year
Mary Evelyn Curtis 20/1/1921 – 29/3/1993
Harold Curtis 19/6/1922 – 8/5/1978
ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT
When my Dad was just a boy
He never saw a lemon or Lime
And oranges only ever appeared
In his house at Christmas time
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 11
Twas the night before Christmas
And all around the Crescent
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a peasant
ARE YOU WEARING A PAPER HAT?
Are you wearing a paper hat?
It’s Christmas day and that’s that
We’ve pulled our Christmas crackers
So everyone must wears a paper hat
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