A Little Bit Of Humour # 46

ARE YOU WEARING A TIRED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a tired expression?
There is also a hint of depression
I recognize that look on a man
You’re a Manchester United fan

OILY FOOD

When my Dad was a boy, there was
No cooking oil or anything like that
Oil was for lubricating the garden gate
And you cooked everything in fat

PENSIONERS DON’T COUNT PENNIES

Pensioners don’t count pennies
Out of necessity
It’s just that only they
Have the time you see

MY SATNAV IS A VERY HELPFUL DEVICE

My Satnav is a very helpful device
But you don’t need to takes its advice
Sometimes you have to give it a rest
Because it doesn’t always know best

EVERY TOM

When you hear
The chorus, from where
The alley cats tarry
Just remember
That every tom
Has a dick, Harry

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 314

What are little boys made of?
Snips and Snails
And puppy dogs tails?
Not bloody likely

ARE YOU WEARING A SELF-SATISFIED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a self-satisfied expression?
It’s what I would expect from a banker
But in short what I’m actually saying
Is that I just think you’re a wanker

I FOLLOWED A CAR WITH A BUMPER STICKER

I followed a car with a bumper sticker
“Vets drive like an animal” Was the gist
Then I was almost run off the road
By what must have been a Gynecologist

HE DIDN’T CUT A DASH

He did not in anyway
Cut a dash
His skinny legs
Hung below his shorts
Like two pieces
Of knotted string
And yet he ran
Like a gazelle

SMOKING ISN’T BAD FOR YOU

Smoking isn’t bad for you
Not in my personal view
And what I based that on
Was that it cured my bacon

AN EMPTY TANGO

An empty tango
Tin can
Propelled by
A careless hand
Through the window
As the car sped
Set it dancing
The tin can fandango
In balletic style
It rhythmically moves
Doing the
The litterbug Jitterbug

A NEW MUMMY HAS BEEN DISCOVERED

A new mummy has been discovered
In Egypt by an Italian Professor
It was covered in chocolate and nuts
And is believed to be Pharaoh Rocher

TO THOSE WHO LOOTED

To those who looted electrical goods during rioting,
A Police press conference announced today
Should be aware of the consequences so remember this
The one year manufacturer's warranty runs out in May

A MAN RAN SCREAMING FROM A BUILDING

A man ran screaming from a building
"It’s a boy, I don't believe it, it’s a boy!"
Which would have been quite touching
Had he not been running from a house of joy

APPARENTLY PEOPLE IN DUBAI

Apparently people in Dubai
Don’t understand the Flintstones
And that is the popular view
But it’s not a cultural thing
Nor is it East versus West
As people in Abu Dhabi Do

A Little Bit Of Humour # 45

ARE YOU WEARING OXFORD BAGS?

Are you wearing Oxford Bags?
Well the obvious question that begs
If they are no longer in fashion
Is it because you have baggy legs

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 313

Wee Willie Winkie
Runs through the town
Upstairs and downstairs
With his trousers down
He was aptly named

THERE WERE MANY THINGS IN THE FIFTIES

There were many things in the fifties
Because of rationing God knows
That didn’t make the dinner table
But the one constant were no elbows

DESCRIBING RETIREMENT

The best way to describe
Retirement is make no mistake
If you ask a pensioner
A never ending coffee break

PUT DOWN # 57

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when he driving you mental
"Any connection between your reality
And mine is purely coincidental”

SHE TELLS ME WHEN TO START

She tells me when to start
And when not to hesitate
She tells me when to stop
And when I should indicate
She tells me when to speed
And when to use the brake
She tell me when to stay in lane
And when it’s safe to overtake
She tells me if I leave a gap
And when I get too near
She tells me when to accelerate
And when I should change gear
She tells me when the light is green
And when the light is red
I don’t know why I married her
She’s just the same in bed

SHE PHONED FROM THE SPERM BANK

She phoned from the sperm bank
For donations and to be truthful
I hung up, but she phoned again
And then I gave her a mouthful

THE DOOR OPENED AND I SAID

The door opened and I said “Ah madam
Can I show you this carpet sweeper”
“No” she replied “and don’t call me madam
You make me sound like a brothel keeper”

INOCULATIONS ARE A DRAG

Inoculations are a drag
Just remember it’s the jabs
That might well prevent
Many ending up on slabs

LONDON 2012 OPENING CEREMONY

Nothing surprised me more
About the 2012 Olympics
Than the opening ceremony
It was astonishingly good
I must admit I had my doubts
I feared a parade of stretch Limos
Disgorging scores of scantily clad
Essex girls wearing plastic tiaras
And a climax of the ceremony
Would have been a group
Of Hurray Henrys from the city
Dropping their trousers
And farting out a rendition
Of Rule Britannia
Before one of the bare arsed brokers
Would use an Olympic torch
To light a fart
And subsequently ignite
The Olympic flame

I LIKED THE OLD BOND MOVIES

With reliable heroes
And camp villains
But I watched on recently
And I found it quite exhausting
Foot chases, car chases,
Running here, driving there
It left me quite out of breath
It didn’t leave room for a story
The old Bond films had a story
Punctuated with action
Now they had action
Punctuated by more action
Bond was one of a kind
But now I’m not sure
If I’m watching James Bond
Or Jason Bourne

WHAT A SILLY ASS

What a silly Ass
So Asinine
Quite complacent
That ass of mine

I WORK IN AN OFFICE THAT’S SO QUIET

I work in an office that’s so quiet
I suggested without misgiving
That we should all join hands
In order to contact the living

DEAR MR CADBURY

Dear Mr Cadbury I would like to say in my view
That to find Someone, Is something of a coup
Who enjoys a chocolate finger as much as I do

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF DIFFIDENCE?

Are you wearing a look of diffidence?
Why do you lack of self-confidence?
You have a look to leave them agog
And you’re as fit as a butcher’s dog

A Little Bit Of Humour # 44

ARE YOU WEARING A DIAPER?

Are you wearing a Diaper?
Well if that’s what you wish
But have you become incontinent?
Or is it just some kind of fetish

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 7

I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really concentrate
I was asked what “benign” meant
Alas it’s not after you be eight

WHAT KIND OF FOOD IS MUESLI?

What kind of food is Muesli?
It’s really rather absurd
On the farm it’s not dissimilar
To what we feed the herd

PUT DOWN # 56

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
And your tolerance reaches saturation
Just say “You’re beginning to make sense
It must be time for my medication."

THAT DRESS IS QUITE REVEALING

That dress is quite revealing
Your breasts it’s barely concealing
I think perhaps your teasing
Offering them up for squeezing
Your bust does look rather ample
Go on let me have another sample

ALWAYS READ STUFF THAT

Always read stuff that
Will make you look good
If you are struck with death
Earlier than you should

ARE YOU WEARING A TARTAN SKIRT?

Are you wearing a Tartan skirt?
And what’s above your socks?
If I were able to take a look
I could maybe see the Trossachs

YOU HAVE A REALLY DELICIOUS FIGURE

You have a really delicious figure
Oh I so love it when you wiggle
As you parade with vim and vigour
And you make your goodies jiggle

IF YOU’RE CONSIDERING A TATT

If you’re considering a Tatt
I suggest you think about that
Realise what it is you’re looking at
And let me tip you the wink
Just pause if you’re on the brink
And think before you ink

AN EARLY SIGN OF SUMMER

An early sign of Summer
But make no mistake
One swallow does not
A stag night make

DO YOU LIKE PICNICS?

Do you like picnics?
There’s one on Sunday
If you say yes
It could be a funday
But let me say
Before we begin
Bring a blanket and be
Prepared to sin

VINCENT VAN GOGH’S SUNFLOWERS

Vincent Van Gogh’s Sunflowers
Brought me to tears
If I had painted them I would
Have cut off both ears

MY UNCLE JOHN IS RETIRED

My Uncle John is retired
He doesn’t miss work, He says
But the people he worked with
During his professional days
Of course he lies to spare them
Which is one of his ways

21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 294

Eppie Marly's thinks she’s fine,
And won’t go out to herd the swine,
She lies in her bed till eight or nine,
The lads on the farm all think its fine

ARE YOU WEARING A NAPPY?

Are you wearing a nappy?
Well if that’s what you wish
But have you become incontinent?
Or is it just some kind of fetish

A Little Bit Of Humour # 43

ARE YOU WEARING VELVET GLOVES?

Are you wearing velvet gloves?
Oh how elegantly you’re stood
Their addition, a touch of class
If anyone knew class, you would
They look so elegant on you
I just hope they feel as good

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 6

I was once a medical student
But it was harder than I thought
I was asked about terminal illness
Which isn’t being ill at an airport

MY GRANDFATHER TAKES FIVE SUGARS

My Grandfather takes five sugars
In his tea and yet he is very old
He remembers when sugar was good
In fact he said it was called white gold

SENIOR CLASSES

The biggest advantage
Of taking classes while in retirement
Is if you play hooky
No one is going to ring your parents

PUT DOWN # 55

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
And he starts annoying you
Just say "Don't you have
A bowling game to get to?"

I BOUGHT MYSELF A SATNAV

I bought myself a Satnav
I got in the car, turned it on
And I put it on my dash

And it told me where I was
Like I didn’t know already
What a waste of bloody cash

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 312

Mary had a little rash
So she can’t do it anymore
But she said its ok for us
To use her back door

ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER BOOTS?

Are you wearing patent leather boots?
Well I’m as open minded as any other
But really? Thigh length leather boots
When we’re burying your mother

GSOH

A man likes a woman with a sense of humour
But he doesn’t want to hear her jokes
To him a good sense of humour means
That she is required to laugh at the blokes

BURNS NIGHT SUPPER

With Haggis, Tatties and Nips
The Scots celebrate Burns night
They pipe it in with Bagpipes
And that’s really not right
What the hell is wrong with them
I thought they actually liked him

IF YOU WANT TO AVOID

If you want to avoid
Disaster on a plate
Even though
They are first rate
Avoid eating Lobsters
On a first date

I COULDN’T GET THE OLD BANGER

I couldn’t get the old banger
Started this morning
I tried to get her to turn over
As the day was dawning
But to no avail, she just
Lay there yawning

ON A FIRST DATE DO NOT CHOOSE

On a first date do not choose
A restaurant to meet her
Because it’s not conducive
With your being a messy eater

THE WORLD HAS BECOME A SMALLER PLACE

The world has become a smaller place
And it will never be a big world again
But where ever you go things are the same
I wish I could uninvent the Aeroplane

SENT TO THE HEADMASTERS OFFICE

When I used to be sent to the headmasters office
I knew that the punishment would never be as bad
As having the ignominy of going and explaining my
Behaviour to my disappointed mum and dad

A Little Bit Of Humour # 42

ARE YOU WEARING A SENSUAL AIR?

Are you wearing a sensual air?
It seems that you are not even aware?
But it flows from each and every hair
I’m sorry i don’t mean to stand and stare
But sensuality follows you everywhere

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 5

I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really try
I was asked what “varicose” meant
And said it was nearby

CURRYING FAVOUR

When my Grandfather was a boy
No Curry houses existed near or far
In order to go out for an Indian
He would’ve had to go to India

WHEN I IGNORED THE SATNAV

When I ignored the Satnav
I actually heard it scoff
And when I said “I’ll go my way”
It told me to sod off

THE COMMON TERM FOR SOMEONE

The common term for someone
Who retires but goes to work again
Because they enjoy it too much
To give it up, is criminally insane

PUT DOWN # 54

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when your patience is done
“I'm no proctologist, but
I know an asshole when I see one”

SHE WAS DEFINITELY ONE FOR A BARGAIN

She was definitely one for a bargain
Olympic standard if I had a hat I would doff
She liked a bargain so much she had her husband
Circumcised for the sake of ten percent off

YOU ARE NOT MY CUP OF TEA

You are not my cup of tea, though
You’re not beyond help to be sure
But admitting you’re an asshole
Is the first step towards a cure

EXPLAINING TO A TECHNOGEEK

Elaine was trying to explain to her geeky boyfriend
How she had gotten pregnant, with no luck at all
So she put it into techno speak “when I uploaded
From your hard drive you didn’t use a fire wall”

ON MY VERY FIRST DAY AT PRIMARY SCHOOL

On my very first day at primary school
I handed, as instructed, a letter to my teacher
It was addressed to “whom it may concern”
And it had been written by my mother
It read “The opinions expressed by this boy
Are not in any way those of his mother or father”

IF YOUR EMPLOYEE GOES ALL RAGING BULL

If your employee goes all raging bull
Instead of his normal little sparrow
Just say “Easy there Mr Testosterone
Or I’ll replace you with a marrow

THE LIMITATIONS OF MODERN MEDICINE

My friend said I should take my husband
To see a doctor but I don’t know
Modern medicine is excellent but they
Can’t cure “honesty impairment” though

WOMEN DON'T MAKE FOOLS OF MEN

Women don't make fools of men
So don’t believe all the hype
Most men don’t need any help
They are of the do-it-yourself type

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 311

Mary had a little fan
She waved it to and fro
Mary still has her fan
But is it as little? No

ARE YOU WEARING FAIRY WINGS?

Are you wearing fairy wings?
As someone’s special surprise
I hope you’re not a good fairy
And you’re wicked in disguise

A Little Bit Of Humour # 41

ARE YOU WEARING ANGEL’S WINGS?

Are you wearing angel’s wings?
As someone’s special surprise
I hope you’re not too angelic
And you’re a Devil in disguise

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 310

Mary had a camper van
She took it to the wood
She said that I could come
But I misunderstood

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 4

I was once a medical student
But they had to send me home
I thought that a “seizure”
Was an Emperor of Rome

THEY’D NEVER HEARD OF YOGURT

They’d never heard of yogurt
When my Mum was young
And putting it on your privates
Would’ve got you hung

RETIRED PEOPLE DON’T CARE BEING

Retired people don’t care being
Called Pensioners on any account
Because the name pensioner comes
With a concessionary discount

PUT DOWN # 53

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just Say if his patter doesn’t pass
“Don’t make me go psycho bitch
On your annoying little ass”

A DOCTOR DROWNED IN A WATER HOLE

A doctor drowned in a water hole
Which goes to prove at any rate
He should have thought about the sick
And left the well alone mate

THEY JUST KEEP ON TALKING

They just keep on talking
Long after people are
No longer interested
So we should pity the teacher

SOME PEOPLE NEED TO EXTRACT

Some people need to extract
Their finger out of their butt again
To get some much needed
Oxygen to their brain

WISE OLD SAGE

It was previously said
By a very wise man
“I don’t know
Ask a woman”

I ORDERED A BURGER AND FRIES

I ordered a burger and fries
Even though I know it’s all full of fat
but the girl behind the counter
Said “would you like fries with that?”

WHEN PEOPLE WALK INTO YOUR LIFE

When people walk into your life
You can’t always control who
But you can control which window
You throw them threw

POP-UPS

Life is full of people
Who “pop in” or “pop out”
But if we were meant to “pop”
We’d all live in toasters

TWO PSYCHICS

Two psychics stopped and the first one said
As by chance they happened to meet
“You're feeling good today. How am I?”
As they met one another in the street

ARE YOU WEARING TARTY GARB?

Are you wearing tarty garb?
Well I will say this for a start
You might well get picked up
But no one wants to date a tart

A Little Bit Of Humour # 40

ARE YOU WEARING A MONOCLE?

Are you wearing a monocle?
Can I ask the reason why?
You can still wear spectacles
Even if you have a glass eye

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 3

I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really try
When asked about the “fibula”
I thought it was a small lie

THERE’S A DOWNSIDE TO RETIREMENT

There’s a downside to retirement
And I think there is only the one
Which is that despite all the extra time
Everything still doesn’t get done

PUT DOWN # 52

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say if you tire of his fawning
Did you eat a bowl of stupid
For breakfast this morning?

THE INTERNET CAN BE A CURSE AND NOT A BLESSING

The internet can be a curse and not a blessing
For example the gambling sites on the net
Where eager Gamblers don’t even need
To put on a shirt in order to lose it on a bet

MY SATNAV HAS AUDIBLE ALARMS

My Satnav has audible alarms
They make each journey fraught
So I think I’ll trade it in
And buy the silent sort

MULTITASKING IS A MYTH

Multitasking is a myth,
It doesn’t work sadly
Multitasking just means
Doing lots of things badly

HE WAS THROWN OUT OF A BAR

He was thrown out of a bar
For inappropriate behaviour
And was given a whack

He pointed at the sign
Which read “liquor at the front”
And “poker in the back”

AFTER HER EXAMINATION

After her examination
The doctor said
"I can find no reason
For the pain in your head
Now let me see the thing
That gets ladies in distress”
At which point the lady
Lifted up her dress
And started to remove
All her underwear
At first all he could do
Was stand and stare
But then caused the doctor
To loudly shout
“No don’t take them off
Just stick your tongue out"

SENIOR PHARMACY

When I go to the chemist
The cost is beyond belief
And everything in my basket
Says it’s for fast relief

SUPERSEX

“Supersex” the old lady said
To the seniors group
And in reply they chorused
"We'll take the soup"

IF I’VE LEARNED ANYTHING IN MY LIFE

If I’ve learned anything in my life
It is that you should take a chance
And nobody cares if you can't dance well
Just get on the floor and dance

THE UPSIDE OF BEING CLINICALLY OBESE

The upside of being clinically obese
To the point of being handicapped
Is that it makes it significantly more
Difficult to be forcibly kidnapped

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 309

Mary had a little van
She had it all last summer
But now her little van
Has turned into a Hummer

ARE YOU WEARING PINCE NEZ?

Are you wearing pince nez?
Do I think they suit you? In truth no
As you’re a thirty four stone woman
Who is never going to look like Poirot