THANK GOD IT’S FEBRUARY
Thank God it’s February
And the month of January
Is now just a memory
And thank God for Salary
GROUNDHOG DAY FEBRUARY 2ND
According to German folklore,
If the skies are cloudy
When from its burrow,
A groundhog emerges
On Groundhog Day,
Then spring will come early
But if the skies are sunny,
And the groundhog
Sees its own shadow
It will return to its burrow
And Winter will continue
For six more weeks
CANDLEMAS DAY
If Candlemas is sunny and bright
We will again feel Winters bite.
If Candlemas brings cloudy skies
Spring will be an early surprise
Friday, 21 February 2014
Friday, 10 January 2014
Bits and pieces
UNDER A SLATE GREY SKY
Under a slate grey sky
Or against a back drop of blue
Crossing bridges
Over river and stream
Thru woods and fields
Onward and upward
Over hill and vale
Riding the rails
The Locomotive speeds
Across the countryside
The marvel of the age
IT’S THE END OF MY AUTUMN DAYS
It’s the end of my autumn days
When heavens siren sings
And amidst a russet dawn
I hear deaths silent wings
A HOUSE IS STILL JUST A HOUSE
A house is still just a house
Made of brick and plaster
It takes something else
If it’s a home that you’re after
And making the transition
Now that is the real trick
And whether you do it or not
Depends on the partner you pick
THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY WAS IN FULL SWING
The office Christmas party
Was in full swing
Cheap plonk and nibbles
That kind of thing
From someone’s iPod
Loud Music played
And to that music
Eager bodies swayed
ALAS MEL SMITH
Melvin Kenneth "Mel" Smith (3 December 1952 – 19 July 2013)
Mel Smith
Comedian and writer,
Film director,
Producer and actor
Jack of all trades
Master of all
ENTER THE GARDEN HUMBLE BIRD
Enter the garden
Humble bird
Sing the sweetest
I have heard
Sing loves song
Upon the breeze
To your mate
Up in the trees
Bid her come
Courting on the wing
And with her
Brightly sing
HELLO MY LITTLE BUZZY BEE
Hello my little Buzzy bee
Amidst the flowers flying free
Gathering the Pollen busily
Make sweet honey just for me
AT THE END OF HIS LONG LIFE
At the end of his long life
A Godly man passes into heaven
Where he sits with God
And revues their Journey again
While he looked back
Sitting at Gods right hand
He saw it represented by
Two sets of footprints in the sand
But he noticed that at times
There was just one set
When he was at his lowest
And he was very upset
So he spoke to God and asked
That in the scene he was shown
Why at the hardest times
He walked the path alone
No my son you are mistaken
At those times God said
I thought it would be more fun
If we hopped instead
Under a slate grey sky
Or against a back drop of blue
Crossing bridges
Over river and stream
Thru woods and fields
Onward and upward
Over hill and vale
Riding the rails
The Locomotive speeds
Across the countryside
The marvel of the age
IT’S THE END OF MY AUTUMN DAYS
It’s the end of my autumn days
When heavens siren sings
And amidst a russet dawn
I hear deaths silent wings
A HOUSE IS STILL JUST A HOUSE
A house is still just a house
Made of brick and plaster
It takes something else
If it’s a home that you’re after
And making the transition
Now that is the real trick
And whether you do it or not
Depends on the partner you pick
THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY WAS IN FULL SWING
The office Christmas party
Was in full swing
Cheap plonk and nibbles
That kind of thing
From someone’s iPod
Loud Music played
And to that music
Eager bodies swayed
ALAS MEL SMITH
Melvin Kenneth "Mel" Smith (3 December 1952 – 19 July 2013)
Mel Smith
Comedian and writer,
Film director,
Producer and actor
Jack of all trades
Master of all
ENTER THE GARDEN HUMBLE BIRD
Enter the garden
Humble bird
Sing the sweetest
I have heard
Sing loves song
Upon the breeze
To your mate
Up in the trees
Bid her come
Courting on the wing
And with her
Brightly sing
HELLO MY LITTLE BUZZY BEE
Hello my little Buzzy bee
Amidst the flowers flying free
Gathering the Pollen busily
Make sweet honey just for me
AT THE END OF HIS LONG LIFE
At the end of his long life
A Godly man passes into heaven
Where he sits with God
And revues their Journey again
While he looked back
Sitting at Gods right hand
He saw it represented by
Two sets of footprints in the sand
But he noticed that at times
There was just one set
When he was at his lowest
And he was very upset
So he spoke to God and asked
That in the scene he was shown
Why at the hardest times
He walked the path alone
No my son you are mistaken
At those times God said
I thought it would be more fun
If we hopped instead
Tales of Love # 12
YOU BRING ME RAINBOWS
You bring me rainbows
Of an April morning
You bring me the laughter
Of a hundred happy children
You bring me the azure blue
Of a summer sky
You bring me the scented meadows
Of a summer day
You bring me the moonlight
Of a star bright night
You bring me the wonders
Of the modern age
But most of all you bring me
A love that I have never known
ANOTHER OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
The office party
Was in full swing
From a Radio
Music played
Too loud for my taste
And overly jolly
For my mood.
Wine was consumed
In copious quantities
As eagerly
As the temps
Who imbibed it
And the more it flowed
The more inappropriate
The behaviour became
It was noisy
Raucous and unseemly
And I had seen enough
So I drained my glass
And prepared to leave
Which was when I saw her
Standing alone
In a quiet corner
Gazing into space
An untouched drink
In her hand
And sadness in her eyes.
She seemed oblivious
To events unfolding
In the office, It was like
She was elsewhere
I hoped wherever it was
Was a happier place
She looked so sad.
I was drawn to her
Though not out of sympathy
It was in equal measure
Recognition of a kindred spirit
And a kind of curiosity
To determine the reason
For such great sadness
Amidst the jollity
Of another Christmas
Had she too lost
The object of her affections?
“Hello” I said
“Not enjoying it?”
She shook her head
“Let’s leave then”
I suggested
She smiled weakly
And nodded her accent
And we slipped away
When she smiled
She was much prettier
From that moment
I took it upon myself
To ensure she would
Never be sad again
That was forty years ago
And we’re still happy
I SAW HER ACROSS THE ROOM
I saw her across the room
Wearing a worried frown
There was sadness in her eyes
Beneath her Tinsel crown
But there was something
Hidden away all the while
A previously untapped joy
Hinted at by the faintest smile
So I smiled and said hello
Not knowing that was the start
Of a Christmas romance in which
I would give to her my heart
You bring me rainbows
Of an April morning
You bring me the laughter
Of a hundred happy children
You bring me the azure blue
Of a summer sky
You bring me the scented meadows
Of a summer day
You bring me the moonlight
Of a star bright night
You bring me the wonders
Of the modern age
But most of all you bring me
A love that I have never known
ANOTHER OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
The office party
Was in full swing
From a Radio
Music played
Too loud for my taste
And overly jolly
For my mood.
Wine was consumed
In copious quantities
As eagerly
As the temps
Who imbibed it
And the more it flowed
The more inappropriate
The behaviour became
It was noisy
Raucous and unseemly
And I had seen enough
So I drained my glass
And prepared to leave
Which was when I saw her
Standing alone
In a quiet corner
Gazing into space
An untouched drink
In her hand
And sadness in her eyes.
She seemed oblivious
To events unfolding
In the office, It was like
She was elsewhere
I hoped wherever it was
Was a happier place
She looked so sad.
I was drawn to her
Though not out of sympathy
It was in equal measure
Recognition of a kindred spirit
And a kind of curiosity
To determine the reason
For such great sadness
Amidst the jollity
Of another Christmas
Had she too lost
The object of her affections?
“Hello” I said
“Not enjoying it?”
She shook her head
“Let’s leave then”
I suggested
She smiled weakly
And nodded her accent
And we slipped away
When she smiled
She was much prettier
From that moment
I took it upon myself
To ensure she would
Never be sad again
That was forty years ago
And we’re still happy
I SAW HER ACROSS THE ROOM
I saw her across the room
Wearing a worried frown
There was sadness in her eyes
Beneath her Tinsel crown
But there was something
Hidden away all the while
A previously untapped joy
Hinted at by the faintest smile
So I smiled and said hello
Not knowing that was the start
Of a Christmas romance in which
I would give to her my heart
It Happened At Sea
MARY KEZIA ROBERTS
Mary Kezia Roberts
Was a remarkable woman
If for no other reason
Then she sailed, as a stewardess,
Aboard Titanic, and survived
And two years later
Was aboard the HMHS Rohilla
When she was wrecked
And she survived again
HMHS ROHILLA
On 30 October 1914
The hospital ship Rohilla
Sailed southerly through
The stormy North Sea
Bound from Leith to Dunkirk
To bring allied wounded home
Around 4:00 a.m.
On that fateful morn
With the high seas
And storm force winds
Battering the ship
She struck Whitby Rock,
On the Saltwick reef
South of Whitby town.
It was wartime
No landmarks were visible
As blackouts were observed
And aids to navigation
Were nonexistent
Although only 600 yards
From the safety of shore
The fiercely blowing gale
Hampered rescue attempts
But the RNLI persevered
And more than half aboard
The stricken ship were saved
RNLI – THE WRECK OF THE ROHILLA
When the Rohilla
Struck Whitby rock
On the Saltwick reef
In October 1914
The storm was so bad
The life boat
Could not be launched
From Whitby harbour
So the rescuers grittily
Manhandled the lifeboat
Over an eight-foot seawall
And treacherous rocks
So it could be launched
From the beach
On the first attempt
They rescued seventeen
On the second
Another eighteen
But in the second attempt
The lifeboat was damaged
Too badly to make a third
IN THE TEETH OF A GALE
As the savage seas
Pounded the stricken ship
Helpless onlookers watched
From the lonely beach
As nature won out
Ropes attached to Rockets
Were shot from the cliff top
But in the howling gale
Each fell short
HMS BIRKENHEAD
HMS Birkenhead began life
As a steam frigate
One of the first iron-hulled vessels
Built for the Royal Navy
But she was quickly converted
And was commissioned as a troopship
It was as such on 26 February 1852
While transporting troops to Algoa Bay,
She was wrecked at Danger Point
Near to Gansbaai
100 miles from Cape Town,
With insufficient serviceable lifeboats
For all the passengers.
This gave rise to the most disciplined
Act of self-sacrifice ever witnessed
Described in verse by Rudyard Kipling
As the "Birkenhead drill"
Where the soldiers famously stood firm,
In serried ranks and allowed
The women and children
To safely board the boats
The courage and chivalry
Of the noble soldiers
In the face of certain death
Gave rise to the now accepted practice
When abandoning ship
Of “Women and children first”
And 550 men perished in the sea
EAST INDIAMAN ARNISTON
The Arniston was an East Indiaman
But had been requisitioned as a troopship
She was sailing from Ceylon to England
To repatriate soldiers wounded in the Kandyan Wars
When during a storm near Cape Agulhas, South Africa
She was wrecked at Waenhuiskrans on 30 May 1815
With only six surviving of the 378 aboard
L&ASNC ROYAL CHARTER
The steamship Royal Charter
Was returning to Liverpool
In late October 1859
Laden with gold
And Nuevo riche prospectors
From the Australian goldfields.
It was recommended to
Thomas Taylor, Captain
To put into Holyhead harbour
To wait out the storm
But having thus far
Made good time from Melbourne
He wanted to press on to Liverpool
As she rounded Anglesey’s
North-western tip
The barometer dropped
The squall quickly grew
And reached Storm force 10
On the Beaufort scale
The Royal Charter tried,
Off Point Lynas,
To pick up the Liverpool pilot
To guide them to safety
But the wind had risen
To Hurricane force 12
And was driving her
Towards the Anglesey coast
The Captain dropped anchor
But within two hours
Both anchor chains had snapped
And on 26 October 1859
The steam clipper Royal Charter
Broke up on the rocks near Moelfre
Despite the heroic efforts
From the people of Anglesey
Less than 40 survived
From the 450 passengers and crew
THE ROYAL CHARTER STORM
The Royal Charter storm
Which blew up out of the Irish Sea
Takes its name from one ship
Out of the 133 ships
Sunk on the 25 and 26 October 1859
With a further 80 damaged
And a death toll of 800
CAPTAIN’S AWARD
In the aftermath
Of the sinking
Of HMHS Rohilla
In 1914
Amidst all the plaudits
Medals and awards
For heroism and gallantry
Was Captain Neilson,
Awarded the RSPCA’s
Bronze Medal
For his efforts to rescue
The ship's cat
Mary Kezia Roberts
Was a remarkable woman
If for no other reason
Then she sailed, as a stewardess,
Aboard Titanic, and survived
And two years later
Was aboard the HMHS Rohilla
When she was wrecked
And she survived again
HMHS ROHILLA
On 30 October 1914
The hospital ship Rohilla
Sailed southerly through
The stormy North Sea
Bound from Leith to Dunkirk
To bring allied wounded home
Around 4:00 a.m.
On that fateful morn
With the high seas
And storm force winds
Battering the ship
She struck Whitby Rock,
On the Saltwick reef
South of Whitby town.
It was wartime
No landmarks were visible
As blackouts were observed
And aids to navigation
Were nonexistent
Although only 600 yards
From the safety of shore
The fiercely blowing gale
Hampered rescue attempts
But the RNLI persevered
And more than half aboard
The stricken ship were saved
RNLI – THE WRECK OF THE ROHILLA
When the Rohilla
Struck Whitby rock
On the Saltwick reef
In October 1914
The storm was so bad
The life boat
Could not be launched
From Whitby harbour
So the rescuers grittily
Manhandled the lifeboat
Over an eight-foot seawall
And treacherous rocks
So it could be launched
From the beach
On the first attempt
They rescued seventeen
On the second
Another eighteen
But in the second attempt
The lifeboat was damaged
Too badly to make a third
IN THE TEETH OF A GALE
As the savage seas
Pounded the stricken ship
Helpless onlookers watched
From the lonely beach
As nature won out
Ropes attached to Rockets
Were shot from the cliff top
But in the howling gale
Each fell short
HMS BIRKENHEAD
HMS Birkenhead began life
As a steam frigate
One of the first iron-hulled vessels
Built for the Royal Navy
But she was quickly converted
And was commissioned as a troopship
It was as such on 26 February 1852
While transporting troops to Algoa Bay,
She was wrecked at Danger Point
Near to Gansbaai
100 miles from Cape Town,
With insufficient serviceable lifeboats
For all the passengers.
This gave rise to the most disciplined
Act of self-sacrifice ever witnessed
Described in verse by Rudyard Kipling
As the "Birkenhead drill"
Where the soldiers famously stood firm,
In serried ranks and allowed
The women and children
To safely board the boats
The courage and chivalry
Of the noble soldiers
In the face of certain death
Gave rise to the now accepted practice
When abandoning ship
Of “Women and children first”
And 550 men perished in the sea
EAST INDIAMAN ARNISTON
The Arniston was an East Indiaman
But had been requisitioned as a troopship
She was sailing from Ceylon to England
To repatriate soldiers wounded in the Kandyan Wars
When during a storm near Cape Agulhas, South Africa
She was wrecked at Waenhuiskrans on 30 May 1815
With only six surviving of the 378 aboard
L&ASNC ROYAL CHARTER
The steamship Royal Charter
Was returning to Liverpool
In late October 1859
Laden with gold
And Nuevo riche prospectors
From the Australian goldfields.
It was recommended to
Thomas Taylor, Captain
To put into Holyhead harbour
To wait out the storm
But having thus far
Made good time from Melbourne
He wanted to press on to Liverpool
As she rounded Anglesey’s
North-western tip
The barometer dropped
The squall quickly grew
And reached Storm force 10
On the Beaufort scale
The Royal Charter tried,
Off Point Lynas,
To pick up the Liverpool pilot
To guide them to safety
But the wind had risen
To Hurricane force 12
And was driving her
Towards the Anglesey coast
The Captain dropped anchor
But within two hours
Both anchor chains had snapped
And on 26 October 1859
The steam clipper Royal Charter
Broke up on the rocks near Moelfre
Despite the heroic efforts
From the people of Anglesey
Less than 40 survived
From the 450 passengers and crew
THE ROYAL CHARTER STORM
The Royal Charter storm
Which blew up out of the Irish Sea
Takes its name from one ship
Out of the 133 ships
Sunk on the 25 and 26 October 1859
With a further 80 damaged
And a death toll of 800
CAPTAIN’S AWARD
In the aftermath
Of the sinking
Of HMHS Rohilla
In 1914
Amidst all the plaudits
Medals and awards
For heroism and gallantry
Was Captain Neilson,
Awarded the RSPCA’s
Bronze Medal
For his efforts to rescue
The ship's cat
A Little Bit Dirty
RED SILK
Red silk clinging,
Accentuating
Each contour
Each curve
And when she moved
It moved with her
Like a soft caress
RED SATIN
Sexy red satin
Soft as the skin
Contained within
Smooth red satin
RED FACED
You never look as lovely, you know?
As you lay beside me in the afterglow
And the reason for that I must confess
Is that I love you red faced and breathless
I WAS AT THE END OF MY WITS
I couldn’t understand
I was at the end of my wits
I couldn’t undo her bra
I couldn’t get to her tits
The device was preventing
My reaching her bits
Then I thought that I should
Remove my woolen mits
I PULLED A CRACKER
I pulled a cracker
At the Christmas Party
And by way of a novelty
She wasn’t even tarty
Not at all my type
But I began to weaken
And thought to myself
Well tis the season
When the pagan symbol
We were stood below
Took effect, we kissed
Beneath the Mistletoe
Though not my usual morsel
I’m not one who dawdles
And I soon had my hands
On her Christmas baubles
ON THE VINE
My husband and I were
Visiting a vineyard
We were on holiday
To rekindle our passion
Which due to the side effects
Of his obesity
Sex was restricted
To only a special occasion
I’d lost sight of him briefly
Amidst the vines
When I found him
With an erection and at play
I looked at the vines
As he said Sémillon, Sémillon
I replied “I think you’ll find
They’re Chardonnay”
I SAW HER ACROSS THE OFFICE
I saw her across the office
She had tinsel in her locks
And a gleam in her eyes
She wore red striped socks
Way up to her thighs
My thoughts were not of her locks
As I devoured her with my eyes
I thought she was quite a fox
But then to my surprise
She offered me her Christmas box
As she undid my flies
Red silk clinging,
Accentuating
Each contour
Each curve
And when she moved
It moved with her
Like a soft caress
RED SATIN
Sexy red satin
Soft as the skin
Contained within
Smooth red satin
RED FACED
You never look as lovely, you know?
As you lay beside me in the afterglow
And the reason for that I must confess
Is that I love you red faced and breathless
I WAS AT THE END OF MY WITS
I couldn’t understand
I was at the end of my wits
I couldn’t undo her bra
I couldn’t get to her tits
The device was preventing
My reaching her bits
Then I thought that I should
Remove my woolen mits
I PULLED A CRACKER
I pulled a cracker
At the Christmas Party
And by way of a novelty
She wasn’t even tarty
Not at all my type
But I began to weaken
And thought to myself
Well tis the season
When the pagan symbol
We were stood below
Took effect, we kissed
Beneath the Mistletoe
Though not my usual morsel
I’m not one who dawdles
And I soon had my hands
On her Christmas baubles
ON THE VINE
My husband and I were
Visiting a vineyard
We were on holiday
To rekindle our passion
Which due to the side effects
Of his obesity
Sex was restricted
To only a special occasion
I’d lost sight of him briefly
Amidst the vines
When I found him
With an erection and at play
I looked at the vines
As he said Sémillon, Sémillon
I replied “I think you’ll find
They’re Chardonnay”
I SAW HER ACROSS THE OFFICE
I saw her across the office
She had tinsel in her locks
And a gleam in her eyes
She wore red striped socks
Way up to her thighs
My thoughts were not of her locks
As I devoured her with my eyes
I thought she was quite a fox
But then to my surprise
She offered me her Christmas box
As she undid my flies
A Little Bit Of Humour # 37
I BOUGHT A PRESENT FOR MY WIFE
I bought a present for my wife
Which cause us to have a fight
It was an enlightening book entitled
“I was wrong and he was right”
I’VE ENROLLED MY WIFE # 3
I’ve enrolled my wife
On an evening class
Which should be simple
And not difficult to pass
It deals with the differences
She will have to face
Between a normal handbag
And a bloody Suitcase
AUGUST EXPECTATIONS FADE
August expectations fade and this season
My team has once again failed to impress
Our end of season video will once again
Be in the shops in time for Christmas
CHRISTMAS KEBAB
I love a Kebab at Christmas
More than any other time of year
Their infinite variety of fillings
Fills me with Christmas cheer
You don’t have to eat the same
Stereotypical stuffed pitta
Apart from Donner you can have
Comet, Cupid, Dancer and Dasher
I’VE ENROLLED MY SON # 1
I’ve enrolled my son
On an evening class
Using the brakes without
Giving passengers whiplash
A BRIGHT OUTLOOK
I woke up this morning
In the early morning light
I looked in the mirror
And not a wrinkle in sight
My wife, who was sleeping
Soundly in our bed
Now looked like
Sandra Bullock instead
The house looked neat
The garden looked tidy
So I should have gone
To Specsavers obviously
I’VE ENROLLED MY DAUGHTER # 2
I’ve enrolled my Daughter
On the perfect class for her
Learning basic skills to hone
Like shopping on her own
IF YOU ARE OUT CAROL SINGING
If you are out Carol Singing
And you dry during the song
Just stop and Take a deep breath
Then Keep calm and Carol on
I’VE ENROLLED MY SON # 2
I’ve enrolled my son
On an evening class for
Learning how to dry towels
By not leaving them on the floor
NEVER MIX THE GRAPE AND THE GRAIN
Never mix the grape and the grain
My Dad always said to me
And his inference was quite plain
Mixing them would be silly
Well now I think he was insane
They mix perfectly in my muesli
I bought a present for my wife
Which cause us to have a fight
It was an enlightening book entitled
“I was wrong and he was right”
I’VE ENROLLED MY WIFE # 3
I’ve enrolled my wife
On an evening class
Which should be simple
And not difficult to pass
It deals with the differences
She will have to face
Between a normal handbag
And a bloody Suitcase
AUGUST EXPECTATIONS FADE
August expectations fade and this season
My team has once again failed to impress
Our end of season video will once again
Be in the shops in time for Christmas
CHRISTMAS KEBAB
I love a Kebab at Christmas
More than any other time of year
Their infinite variety of fillings
Fills me with Christmas cheer
You don’t have to eat the same
Stereotypical stuffed pitta
Apart from Donner you can have
Comet, Cupid, Dancer and Dasher
I’VE ENROLLED MY SON # 1
I’ve enrolled my son
On an evening class
Using the brakes without
Giving passengers whiplash
A BRIGHT OUTLOOK
I woke up this morning
In the early morning light
I looked in the mirror
And not a wrinkle in sight
My wife, who was sleeping
Soundly in our bed
Now looked like
Sandra Bullock instead
The house looked neat
The garden looked tidy
So I should have gone
To Specsavers obviously
I’VE ENROLLED MY DAUGHTER # 2
I’ve enrolled my Daughter
On the perfect class for her
Learning basic skills to hone
Like shopping on her own
IF YOU ARE OUT CAROL SINGING
If you are out Carol Singing
And you dry during the song
Just stop and Take a deep breath
Then Keep calm and Carol on
I’VE ENROLLED MY SON # 2
I’ve enrolled my son
On an evening class for
Learning how to dry towels
By not leaving them on the floor
NEVER MIX THE GRAPE AND THE GRAIN
Never mix the grape and the grain
My Dad always said to me
And his inference was quite plain
Mixing them would be silly
Well now I think he was insane
They mix perfectly in my muesli
A Little Bit Of Humour # 36
I’VE ENROLLED MY WIFE # 1
I’ve enrolled my wife
On an evening class, so that
She can learn how
To adjust the thermostat
ARE YOU WEARING EAR MUFFS?
Are you wearing ear muffs?
Sorry but that’s how it appears
After all how was I to know?
That you have cauliflower ears
DO I HAVE A PET NAME FOR MY WIFE?
Do I have a pet name for my wife?
Yes, I like to call her Bambi, chum
Because she’s cute and clumsy
And I’d like to shoot her mum
I’VE ENROLLED MY WIFE # 2
I’ve enrolled my wife
On an evening class
So she will learn how to
Start a conversation
During the commercials
In the same way I do
CHURCH CONTROVERSY
At our church there is
Something of a controversy
In regards to when a foetus
Can be considered a baby
A few of us believe that
An unborn foetus in Surrey
Only becomes viable when
It has graduated university
I DON’T MEAN TO GO INTO A PANIC
I don’t mean to go into a panic
Or cause a massive fuss
But there are now only twelve
Shoplifting days until Christmas
I’VE ENROLLED MY HUSBAND # 1
I’ve enrolled my Husband,
To make his skills complete
On an evening class
About how to work the toilet seat
ARE YOU WEARING A MUFF?
Are you wearing a muff?
It’s like a big ball of fluff
Is it to keep your hands warm?
That you wear that muff?
Or is it a hiding place, for
When you’ve knicked stuff
MY WIFE LOVES EXCHANGING PRESENTS
My wife loves exchanging presents
Happily amidst the Christmas cheer
In fact she enjoys it so very much
She exchanges my gift every year
I’VE ENROLLED MY DAUGHTER # 1
I’ve enrolled my daughter in a class
Which caused her to exclaim
It was on Paralleled Parking
Which is quite a simple aim
Preferably in less than an hour
And without an Insurance Claim
I’ve enrolled my wife
On an evening class, so that
She can learn how
To adjust the thermostat
ARE YOU WEARING EAR MUFFS?
Are you wearing ear muffs?
Sorry but that’s how it appears
After all how was I to know?
That you have cauliflower ears
DO I HAVE A PET NAME FOR MY WIFE?
Do I have a pet name for my wife?
Yes, I like to call her Bambi, chum
Because she’s cute and clumsy
And I’d like to shoot her mum
I’VE ENROLLED MY WIFE # 2
I’ve enrolled my wife
On an evening class
So she will learn how to
Start a conversation
During the commercials
In the same way I do
CHURCH CONTROVERSY
At our church there is
Something of a controversy
In regards to when a foetus
Can be considered a baby
A few of us believe that
An unborn foetus in Surrey
Only becomes viable when
It has graduated university
I DON’T MEAN TO GO INTO A PANIC
I don’t mean to go into a panic
Or cause a massive fuss
But there are now only twelve
Shoplifting days until Christmas
I’VE ENROLLED MY HUSBAND # 1
I’ve enrolled my Husband,
To make his skills complete
On an evening class
About how to work the toilet seat
ARE YOU WEARING A MUFF?
Are you wearing a muff?
It’s like a big ball of fluff
Is it to keep your hands warm?
That you wear that muff?
Or is it a hiding place, for
When you’ve knicked stuff
MY WIFE LOVES EXCHANGING PRESENTS
My wife loves exchanging presents
Happily amidst the Christmas cheer
In fact she enjoys it so very much
She exchanges my gift every year
I’VE ENROLLED MY DAUGHTER # 1
I’ve enrolled my daughter in a class
Which caused her to exclaim
It was on Paralleled Parking
Which is quite a simple aim
Preferably in less than an hour
And without an Insurance Claim
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