A Little Bit Of Humour # 6

ARE YOU WEARING A STICK ON TATTOO?

Are you wearing a stick on tattoo?
Is that really the best you could do?
What? You were too scared to get proper ink?
What will the rest of the chapter think?

ASK A STUPID QUESTION # 1

As I came out of the chippy
With two steak and kidney pies
Large chips and mushy peas,
An old wino, with sad eyes
Said “I haven’t eaten for two days”
Pausing I looked to the skies
Then I replied “I wish that I
Had will power like you guys”

KFC FAT CONTENT

An obese girl served me today
When I went in to KFC
She said “sorry about the wait.”
All smiley and friendly
I replied “don't worry dear,
You might lose it eventually”

WOMEN ARE NOT MOODY

Women are not moody
Not a bit of it
Its just they have days
When, lets face it
They are not prepared
To put up with the shit

COQ AU VAN

I tried cooking with wine last night
But it didn’t go very well therein
After five generous glasses
I forgot why I was in the kitchen

OK STEVE

He said “it’s Stephen with a PH”
Which I thought pedantic
But he wasn’t a fussy git at all
He was just very acidic

THE FIRE OFFICER’S INSPECTION

The fire officer did his inspection today
And he asked me “In the event of a fire,
Tell me what steps would you take?"
I replied "Bloody big ones" squire

I AM BLESSED WITH FRIENDS

I am blessed with friends
Some of them are fruity
Some are soaked in alcohol
Some of them are nutty
Some are sweet
Some add spice
Some add zest
Some smell nice
An abundance of riches
My friend’s numbers are Rife
And when mixed together
They are the fruit cake of life

BLEAK FORECAST

There was Snow in the forecast!
And the TV weather girl said
“I’m expecting 8 inches tonight”
I thought to myself, “what a big head”
And anyway with a face like that
She’d need her vibrator Instead

ARE YOU WEARING A LACE UP CORSET?

Are you wearing a lace up corset?
All whale bone and string
Oh Wow it looks really sexy
But how do I get into the thing?

KEY PLAN

I am always loosing my keys
So I have devised a plan
My husband is horrified
As the car might be stolen

But to my way of thinking
It’s the perfect solution
After all what could be simpler
Than leaving them in the ignition

GETTING INTO FLORA

"I want to buy flowers for my girlfriend"
John said to the Florist
"Of course Sir, what is it you're after?"
The florist asks to assist
After a moment John replied
"Well, a shag would be top of my list"

SPICE GIRL

It was the plan of my wife
To spice up our love life
This involved her dressing up
To encourage me to tup
Now I have to say I didn’t mind
Watching her bump and grind
But as she played her sexy role
She didn’t dance around a pole
Nor gyrate upon my lap
To encourage my old chap
But even with all the gyrating
My libido was still hesitating
In fact there wasn’t a glimmer
As she danced around her Zimmer

WIDOWERS RECOMPENSE

I am now a lonely widower
And all my buddies are dead
But there are compensations
That must definitely be said

There’s life in the old dog yet
That’s all I have to say,
As I go to the retirement home
For my fifty shades of grey

DEFROSTING THE FRIDGE

I spent two hours defrosting
The fridge yesterday
Although my darling wife
Prefers to call it foreplay

A Little Bit Of Humour # 5

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 3

When my Gran got out of bed
After bedding one of her chaps
She felt pains down below
Coz she was standing on her flaps

MY PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE IS THIS

My philosophy on life is this
Whatever life throws at me
Without thinking I pick it up
And throw it back instantly

A PERFECT GIFT

I just bought my wife a new fridge
I’ve just been online and paid for it
I’m so excited I can’t wait to see
Her face light up when she opens it

NICE ONE JAMIE

My children can never forgive
That interfering Jamie Oliver
For bring about the early demise
Of their favourite Turkey Twizzler

LOST PROPERTY

I left two bottles of Whisky
On the train to Prestatyn
I thought them gone for ever
Until a nice man called Glynn
Of the lost property office
Telephoned me from Prestatyn
To say the man who found them
Had just been handed in

CHARITY PLEADERS # 2

Just 3 pounds a month
From me and you
Will help to pay the lease
On their luxury HQ

I HAVE MY FIVE A DAY

I have my five a day
Every day of the week
Here is today’s list
Just you have a peek
Two Fig Newton’s and
A banana milk shake
One chocolate orange
And a carrot cake

DEPRESSED DRINKER

I used to have a coping strategy
For when things got grim
I would try to drown my sorrows
But the bastards learned how to swim

SITTING ON THE BACK ROW

Sitting on the back row
When the cinema’s dark inside
With your left handed girl
Try to keep on her right side

HOUSE CALL

“How long have you been bedridden?”
The visiting doctor asked
The patient replied “well certainly not
Since my husband passed”

A LOVING ATMOSPHERE

A loving atmosphere, at home,
Is such an important thing
A tranquil harmonious home
Is vital to your well being
Do all you can to create one
By not having offspring

MY DOCTOR SAYS

My doctor says
I have been in continent,
But I don't know

I can’t remember
But if the doctor is right
Then where did I go?

CAN I BUY A GOLDFISH?

I went in to a pet shop and said,
“Can I buy a goldfish?”
The girl said, “certainly sir
If that’s what you wish,
Do you want an aquarium?”
She asked putting me in a tiz
Finally I replied “Well actually
I don't care what star sign it is”

ARE YOU WEARING A PUSH UP BRA?

Are you wearing a push up bra?
Well I think you’ve pushed them up too far
I’m not sure where they should begin
But they shouldn’t be under your chin

I'VE JUST HAD A LETTER FROM A SOLICITOR

I've just had a letter from a solicitor
To “once and for all” inform me
That contrary to what I might believe
Screwfix are not a dating agency

A Little Bit Of Humour # 4

ARE YOU WEARING A POLICEMAN’S HAT?

Are you wearing a policeman’s hat?
And you don’t get fed up with that
When they ask about your bobby’s hat
“Does your head reach the top of that?”

CHARITABLE BEQUESTS REQUESTS # 2

Not happy just to pester me in life
The Red Cross want me instead
To change my last will and testament
To take my money when I’m dead

A MAN IN A HOT AIR BALLOON # 2

A Man in a hot air balloon
Has lost his bearings
As he slowly floated by

He looks down below
And shouts to a man
“Hello, Where am I”?

“Well you tell me mate”
The man shouted back
“You have a better view than I”

GOURMET PARSNIP CRISPS

Gourmet Parsnip crisps
I found out today
Can easily be included
As one of your five a day

SELF MEDICATION

To counteract the signs of aging
I have an alternative to the
Cosmetic treatment hustle

I just drink plenty of wine
It’s much cheaper than Botox
And paralyses more muscles

VERY RED CROSS

I supported the Red Cross
For many Years
But their hard sell tactics
Brought me to tears

Not content with
My monthly subscription
They bombarded me with requests
Of every description

First they told of troubles
In foreign lands
I said “I can’t pay more
Than what I had planned”

So they thought a change of tack
Will open my wallet
And told me what they did
In Nether Wallop

Emails and letters
Calling with the hard sell
Well I’ve had enough
They can go to hell

MEETING TIME

I have found in meetings
Where minutes are taken
Hours are wasted
Unless I am mistaken

THE LEADER TOUCHED A BUOY

The leader touched a buoy
During the course of race,
When he got to the shore
His mother slapped his face

ALCOHOL IS NOT THE ANSWER

Alcohol is not the answer
That’s my suggestion
It does help however
To make you forget the question

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 287

There was a crow sat on a stone
And there he sat and ate his scone
When it was gone, when there was none
He sat and ate his Chelsea bun
MY GIRL IS TEACHING ME A LANGUAGE

My girl is teaching me a language
Natalia is from Russia you see
But it is not going very well at all
She tried with simple things for me
Asking the Russian word for napkin
Soviette is not the answer apparently

LOST LUGGAGE

It was a dreadful flight
And it was late as well
Then I couldn't find my case
On the baggage carousel
So I went to “lost luggage”
To report the loss of it
The woman looked the part
But I didn’t trust her a bit
She said she would apply
Her professional hand
Then she said “now tell me
“When does your plane land?”

I DO MENTAL ARITHMETIC

I do mental arithmetic
When I’m lying in my bed
I like to count the voices
I hear inside my head

THIS TALK OF CULLING BADGERS

This talk of culling badgers
Is completely unsound
If we keep discussing it
We’ll drive them underground

ARE YOU WEARING A PUZZLED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a puzzled expression?
You must really think I have some gall
But if it wasn’t for pickpockets like me
You'd have no hint of a sex life at all

A Little Bit Of Humour # 3

ARE YOU WEARING LACE GARTERS?

Are you wearing lace garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there lacy garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing lacy garters?

I DO DRINK COFFEE

I do drink Coffee
But it’s not a favourite of mine
It doesn’t fill me with cheer

It just fills in the time
Until it’s socially acceptable
To start drinking beer

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 2

When my Gran got out of bed
After one too many tipples
She didn’t even notice that she
Was standing on her nipples

SOME PEOPLE COME INTO OUR LIVES

Some people come into our lives
And leave footprints on our hearts
Others tread softly leaving no traces

But then there are the ones
On who you want to leave boot prints
All over their stupid faces

TAP IT, UNWRAP IT

The Chocolate Orange
I have so far concluded
As one of your five a day
It may definitely be included

IF MY GIRLFRIEND IS WEARING TIGHTS

When my girlfriend
Is wearing tights
And she over does it
Eating Turkish delight

Her mouth stuffed full
She starts to cough
Involuntarily farts
And blows her slippers off

THE OLD BANGER

The old banger
Wouldn’t start this morning
It wasn’t too long after
The day was dawning
I just kept trying
Over and over
But I couldn’t
Get her to turn over
Until eventually
With a cough and a fart
I managed to get
The old thing to start
Though not working
On full power
She got out of bed
And went in the shower

A SCANDAL HAS BROKEN

A scandal has broken
Of the very worst kind
It’s totally unforgivable
To my way of mind
That fraud Pudsey Bear
Isn’t really blind

FAREWELL TO YOUTH

I’m getting old
My youth has been relinquished
I’m told my grey hair
Makes me look distinguished
The sad truth is
My ego has been extinguished

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 286

Nelly Bligh
Caught a fly
And tied it to some thread
With some delight
She tied it tight
But then the fly was dead

ARE YOU WEARING WINKLE PICKERS?

Are you wearing winkle pickers?
And you don’t mind the snickers?
And when they ask it doesn’t offend?
“Do your toes go right to the end?”

THERE’S AN ARMY SURPLUS STORE ACROSS THE STREET

There’s an Army surplus store across the street
That only sells camouflage gear as far as I can see
I don’t know how well the business is doing
But it seems a bit of a niche market to me
And I watched loads of people go in the shop
But coming out I could only count about three

SON OF THE SOIL

I found the top soil two inches deeper
When I went to my allotment on Monday
I found the top soil two inches deeper
When I went to the allotment on Tuesday
The next day as I approached my plot
My poor old heart beat quickens
So when the top soil was two inches deeper
I could only say “The plot thickens”

TRANSFER SURPRISE

I was surprised Mario Balotelli left City
Though it was surrounded in farce
I would have thought it more likely
That he’d disappear up his own arse

I'LL TAKE THE RED ONE

Bimbette asked in a sex shop
“I want to buy a new vibrator”
The assistant said “just choose
From that display by the door
"I'll take the red one" She said
To the man behind the counter
He replied with a deep sigh
"That's a fire extinguisher"

A Little Bit Of Humour # 2

ARE YOU WEARING CELLULITE CREAM?

Are you wearing cellulite cream?
And is that workin’ for yer?
I only ask as it looks like
You’re covered in tapioca

FOOD GROUPS

There are six food groups
When it comes to my kitchen
Canned, Boxed and Bagged
Jarred, Bottled and Frozen

SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE # 2

As a proud Briton
I will be disappointed
In a strange way

Not if Scotland leaves
But more so
That Wales will stay

CHARITABLE BEQUEST REQUESTS # 1

The Red Cross are getting greedy
Not happy to just milk me in life
They want me to will them a percentage
Of what should go to my wife

A MAN IN A HOT AIR BALLOON # 1

A Man in a hot air balloon
Has lost his bearings
As he slowly floated by

He looks down below
And shouts to a man
“Hello, Where am I”?

“Are you completely mad?”
The man shouted back
“You’re floating in the sky”

THE DEPENDABLE FIG ROLL

The dependable Fig Roll
Or Fig Newton if you must
As one of your five a day
It’s an absolute must

THE HEDGEHOG CULL

The campaigners have won
The Hedgehog cull won’t be done
They argued it shouldn’t go ahead
It was just wrong they said
Saying they were un putdown-able
I think they are just un pickup-able

THE LIFE OF PIE

Off they go to the bakers
For a pie of pork and pickle
Trundling along the road
Riding on their obesecycle

A BITTER PILL

Realisation of my folly comes
As I lay abed at first light
I took a sleeping pill and
A laxative on the same night

ON THEIR OBESECYCLE

On their obesecycle
They have to scurry
Not that the obese
Are able to hurry

They can still walk
Though they don’t bovver
And they are so fat
That they appear to hover

DON’T KEEP THINGS BOTTLED UP

Don’t keep things bottled up
If life is getting you down
Pour yourself a large one
And drink away your frown

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 285

My little old man and I fell out
I'll tell you what it was all about
What agitated the lazy lout
And caused him to shout
Making me and him fall out
Was that I had money and he had nowt

ARE YOU WEARING A RED CHAPEAU?

Are you wearing a red chapeau?
It’s a very daring choice of yours
Because wearing a red chapeau
They’ll say red hat and no drawers

I'VE JUST HEARD THE WINDOW CLEANER

I've just heard the window cleaner
He was really making tongues wag
Cursing, shouting and swearing
I think he’d clearly lost his rag

I CAN’T BELIEVE THE SIZE OF MY WATER BILL

I can’t believe the size of my water bill
It’s really getting me down
According to Oxfam for £3 a month
I can supply a whole town

A Little Bit Of Humour # 1

ARE YOU WEARING A CHAPEAU?

Are you wearing a chapeau?
That’s the French for hat you know?
Well you look quite sweet I must say
Though I’m not a huge fan of the beret
And the rather limp looking overcoat
It isn’t really what you’d call haute
But I need to find a condom dispenser
Because I have a thing for Frank Spencer

UNDERNEATH THE SPREADING CHESTNUT TREE

Two old retired generals
In the autumn of their years
One was a French Hussar
The other of the Grenadiers

One spoke of conquering Spain
The other one of India
One of conquering the hun
The Frenchman of Canada

The two men argued for hours
People thought them bonkers
But it was quite innocent
They were just playing conquers

SWINGERS

Two couples decided to swing
And swapped partners to play
“That was the best sex ever”
Hugo said afterwards to Ray
His friend agreed and added
“I wonder if the girls are ok”

I NEED GLASSES

I need glasses
So it would appear
But the glasses I need
Let me be clear
Are glasses of wine
And glasses of beer

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 1

When my Gran got out of bed
And suddenly felt chest pain
She knew that she had only
Stood on her nipples again

CHARITY PLEADERS # 1

Just 3 pounds a month
Will help them meet their quota
So the fund raisers can drive
Their 30 grand motor

DON’T THROW IN THE TOWEL

Don’t throw in the towel
When times get tough
Because no matter how bad
No matter how rough
It doesn’t really help
Because you see
Throwing in the towel
Just makes more laundry

THE CARROT CAKE

The Carrot cake
I have to say
You can include
As one of your five a day

SHEEPISH CONVERSE

A sheep bleats in the twilight
As day drifts into night
So I responded in like wise
Much to my wife’s surprise
“Why on earth did you just bleat?
You’re not a bloody sheep”
I replied, “I am not of the country
So it simply occurred to me
That in my humble view
It was the polite thing to do”

LOW EXPECTATIONS

I find that in my life
Low expectations are advised
Because I am rarely disappointed
And often quite surprised

MEMORY MAN

I remember the words
To every number one
Since 1968
Every single one
But for some reason,
Not that anyone cares,
I can’t remember why
I walked up the stairs

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 284

I'll tell you a story
About an affluent Tory
Who waxed on the big society

I'll tell you another
About Ed and his brother
Who questioned his propriety

WHEN I TOLD MUM

When I told mum
I had opened a theatre
I got a rather strange
Reaction from her
“Are you having me on?”
She said to me
I said “you'll have to audition
And then we’ll see”

SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE # 1

As a proud Briton
I will be disappointed
If Scotland choose to go

As an Englishman
I’ll be disappointed
If they vote no

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK NAIL VARNISH?

Are you wearing black nail varnish?
Well it’s just a bit of a macabre garnish
And its going to stand out is all I will say
When dressed in white on your wedding day

An Antidote To Writers Block (Part 64) St David’s Day

When I returned to the village after a rattling good shag with Shula in the back of the Mahajak’s shop van, Shula was in much higher spirits after our adventure in the lay-by than she was before it.
I parked the truck by the back door to the shop and got out; I went around to the passenger side and helped Shula step down and managed to slip a hand up her sweater and even uncupped one perky little tit before her feet hit the floor.
“Thank you Simon” she said “but you’re only supposed to take my hand”
“I’ll remember that for next time” I said
She opened the rear door to the shop while I opened the back doors of the van.
“Alois, Alois” she called and the amiable young man appeared.
“Yes Shula” he said attentively
“Can you unload the van please” she asked kindly “So Simon can return home”
“Yes Shula” he said surprised at being asked to do something rather be ordered “of course Shula”
He looked at me and I nodded sagely and he smiled before going about his task.
I patted him on the shoulder and said
“She’s warming to you Alois”

When I got back home Katy was sat in the kitchen with Maria Cherry-Thicket who stood up and excused herself within minutes of my return.
I think she still harboured her suspicions about my moral suitability.
Of course she was perfectly correct about her instincts regarding me.
She did after all catch me and Tilly Bushe in Santa’s Grotto or more precisely caught me in Tilly in the grotto.
Though Tilly and I covered our tracks before she raised the alarm she knew what she saw and she was uncomfortable in my presence.
As the front door closed Katy let out long sigh.
“Thank you God” she said looking to the heavens,
“Katy” I rebuked her
“I don’t mean it” she said, “Maria is a lovely person but a little too pious”
In the evening Claire called in on her way home, it was only a very short visit but we would see more of her on Saturday.
Later that night as I sat in the uncomfortable chair next to Katy’s bed she said
“You’re a very kind man Simon”
“What’s brought this on?” I asked
“Well letting me stay here, in your house, in your bed, looking after me” she elaborated “and today driving the van to help Shula”
Well I felt a bit guilty about that, although I meant well and did it to help her I did end up helping myself.
“We all have to do what we can as we go along the road” I said “that’s all”

On Saturday I rose early to a beautiful sunny morning, the nicest morning we had seen for several weeks.
Katy also woke early and prompted by the certain knowledge that her future didn’t hold many such glorious mornings she arose.
It pained me greatly on such a morning that I had to chastise her for attempting the stairs unaided.
“I came down on my bum” she said, “It was quite safe”
As a result of her solo ascent she was seated on her throne in the kitchen when the nurse arrived,
And I was much surprised to see Molly had sent me a pretty one with strawberry coloured hair, she was barely five feet tall, slender and pale.
Things were looking up, though we did nothing more than smile and flirt and I was reminded of Molly’s words to me “if I sent you a pretty one, what would you do with her”

We had a number of visitors during the course of the day; all sanctioned by the formidable Olivier Adamson, but none of them stayed for long.
In the evening there was no repeat of the pretty nurse but instead we were blessed with a pretty doctor when Claire Andrews walked through the front door.
“Hello!!” she called “Anybody home”
“In here” I called back
I was alone in the kitchen at the time Claire walked in
“Where’s Katy?” she asked a split second before the toilet flushed.

Claire took Katy into the lounge and did the medical stuff while I prepared the evening meal, well when I said prepared I should more aptly say I put a frozen Pasticcio into the oven.
Claire was staying for dinner and was also staying the night while I did another Roving Angels Patrol.

After dinner and when everything was cleared away it was time to get Katy upstairs for the night.
“Right miss” I said “Are you going to be miss independent again or do you want me to carry you up”
“Carry please” she said quietly like a naughty child.
I picked her up and instantly thought she was getting lighter.
I carried her upstairs and Claire followed behind us.
I sat her on the bed and Claire took over while I got ready to go out.

I was in the spare room just about to pull up my trousers when Claire pushed open the door and stood staring.
“Can I help you?” I asked
“Oh yes” she answered with a leer
I pulled up my trousers and walked to the door
“That will have to wait until later” I said and kissed her
Then she put her keys in my hand
“This will get you home quicker” she said and we kissed again.

It was a bitter cold night for patrolling with the Angels and I was pleased at the end of the shift to get into Claire’s car and put the heater on full blast.
I was suitably thawed out by the time I pulled onto the drive.
In my absence Claire had sat up with Katy for the evening and when I walked into my study she greeted me warmly in my bed.

A few hours later I was woken by the alarm on Claire’s phone.
She had set it so she could get up and return to the spare room before Katy woke for the day.
She silenced the alarm and she quietly and carefully tried to slip out of bed unnoticed.
But as she sat on the edge and prepared to stand up I hooked my arm around her waist and pulled her back under the covers.
“I have to go,” she protested
“Come first, and then go,” I insisted.

After obliging my lusty request she slipped away upstairs and I slipped into a coma and it was almost one o’clock when I came to.
I awoke to the marvellous aroma of Roast pork wafting down the hallway.
I padded along to the kitchen to find Katy and Claire hard at it cooking Sunday lunch.
“Wow roast dinner” I said “that’s great I’m starving”
The two women turned their heads towards me and simultaneously looked me up and down and said in unison
“Shower”
I did as instructed and when I returned every thing was on the table with both women seated I walked to the vacant seat and Claire handed me the carving utensils.
“Thank you doctor” I said in my best Dr Kildare and we all laughed.

After lunch Claire and I cleared away while Katy sat at the table and chatted to us.
“As soon as were finished its Sunday Matinee time,” I said
“What do you fancy?”
“I don’t mind” Katy said
“Do you have “It’s a wonderful life””? Claire asked
“Oooh that’s my sisters favourite” Katy announced
“I didn’t know you had a sister,” I said
“I have two,” she replied proudly
“Older or younger?” Claire asked
“Both older,” Katy replied, “I’m the baby of the family”
Claire and I just smiled and nodded
“Anne is the oldest, and she and her husband Clive live in the Sudan where they run an orphanage, and Marion lives in Alaska where she married a local man Bob and they run a Church school in a remote settlement”
“Wow, do you get to see them often?” Claire asked
“No, no I don’t” she replied sadly
“When did you see them last?” I queried
“Seven years ago at Maz’s wedding” she replied
Then Claire asked the difficult question
“Do they know?”
“Yes” she answered
“Are they coming back to see you?” Again it was Claire with the hard question
“No, I’m afraid not” she said sadly “they live too far away and they don’t have the money to fly over”
There was a brief silence when Claire and I didn’t know what to say, I think Katy picked up on our failure and filled the silence
“We write and email and talk on the phone when we can, we’ll get to say goodbye one way or another”

After the film Claire stayed for supper and helped get Katy settled before she went home.
Then I read the Philosophers Stone to her until it was finished.

On Monday Molly sent me the pretty nurse again, the one with the strawberry coloured hair.
Her name was Freya St David, and I managed to get in some first class flirting before she rushed off.
“See you this evening,” she said as she left
Things were definitely looking up.
However apart from a marked improvement in the crumpet quality of the nurse it was an uneventful day.

On Tuesday while pretty Freya attended to Katy I searched in the lounge for the Vicars address book, which only took me a few minutes to locate and it took another five to find the information I was looking for.
I was just leaving the lounge as the nurse was coming down the stairs.
I offered Freya a coffee and to my delight she accepted.

Just after she left the phone rang, when I answered it, it was Robert Hunter asking if, providing she was up to it, he could steal Katy away for a few hours for a Women’s Institute lunch.
I check with the vicar and she was actually quite exited at the prospect so I agreed.
After I waved her off I went down to the surgery to see Olivier.
I gave her the names and addresses of Katy’s sisters and asked her to arrange tickets for them.
“I didn’t know she had sisters,” she said
“Nor did we” I answered and took my wallet out of my pocket.
Then I placed my credit card on the counter.
“First class open return” I said “and charge it all to this”
“Yes Simon” she said rather out of character, she’d never called me Simon before. “Leave it to me”

When I left the surgery I went across the road to the shop to see if Shula needed me to take her to the Cash and Carry in the van or just to take her in the back of the van.
That thought prompted a stirring of the beast below but when I got there I found Alois and Maisie working in the shop together.
Anjuli and Shula were both at the hospital as Omid had taken a turn for the worse.
That kind of took the edge off my dishonourable intentions towards Shula though my stirring didn’t abate.
So that lunchtime while the vicar was being dined by the W.I. I gave India Carrington a thorough spanking in my garage once more.
Alas our wonderfully stimulating session in my improvised house of pain and pleasure was to be our last which carried with it considerably less significance than the fact that when Katy returned from her luncheon she stepped through my front door for the very last time.

She had much enjoyed her lunch date but she said she was tired and would have a little nap.
I was also quite tired courtesy of India’s appetites so I fell asleep in front of the TV only waking when pretty Freya knocked on the door.

After having attended to Katy a prolonged exchange of significant flirting between Freya and myself followed before I said goodbye to her.
Katy was refreshed by her sleep and was hungry enough for supper though she chose to eat it in bed.
She fell asleep while as I read her “The Chamber of Secrets”.

The next day there was no pretty Freya knocking on the door at 8 o’clock in the morning; instead it was my cousin Molly.
“Hi Simon” she said brightly “did you get my present?”
“Hi Moll, yes I did” I replied “Thank you”
“Have you opened it yet?” she asked
“No not yet” I answered
The present she was referring to of course was Freya St David.
“Better hurry,” she said, “She’s in great demand”
“Don’t worry” I assured her “I will un-wrap it very soon”

The reason Molly was there was to cover for me while I went to Roehampton to see Georgia and reacquaint myself with her tidy bod.
I hadn’t seen her in the flesh for a while and she had an itch to scratch and I had the scratcher.

I called in at Mahajak’s on the way to the station to see if Shula had any needs I could fulfil and Alois told me Omid had died during the night.
I left the shop and was lost in my thoughts as I walked on towards the station; I was snapped back to reality by the sound of a car horn.
When I looked up it was Dr Andrews, who pulled her car to the curbside just ahead of me.
“Where are you off too?” she asked having noticed my overnight bag.
“I’m going off to see Georgie,” I answered
“Lucky girl” she said and looked surprised she had said it aloud and quickly added, “Give her my best” and drove off before I had a chance to speak.
“Well I was planning to give her my best,” I thought to myself

After a thoroughly nerve tingling 24 hours with Georgia, in which I reacquainted myself with every inch of her nubile form, I returned by train to Bushy Down.



It was just after lunch on a cold damp Thursday afternoon.
February was drawing to a close but the winter seemed reluctant to loosen its grip.
I called in to the shop to offer Shula my condolences, not in this case a euphemism but she was in bed asleep.
I did however speak with Alois at length, and I found my original assessment of him to be borne out, finding him to be a very likeable young man.
I thought that Shula could do a lot worse than to set her newly widowed cap at the young man before me.
I thought they would make a good match even though it meant potentially losing another of the fillies from my stable
He was very timid and he would be perfect for Shula to manipulate and shape, in the shop as well as in her bed.
“Look after her” I said to him “she needs your support”
“I will,” he said earnestly
“She might talk tough but inside she’s really just marsh mallow”
I said as I shook his hand.

When I got to within sight of the house I saw Pandora’s mini pull up outside Judith’s house.
Judith got out of the passenger side and gave me a smile and a wave as she made her way up the path.
As I approached the car Pandora wound down her window and said
“Hello darling, when are you coming to the club?”
“Never mind hello darling” I said “I got a proper telling off from Olivier Adamson for letting you and Jude in to see Katy without going through the proper channels”
“Oh dear” she said unsympathetically
“Don’t worry I’ll make it up to you darling, I promise”
“I would look forward to that,” I thought as I watched her drive away.

As I approached the front door I was feeling quite fatigued after answering all of Georgia’s demands and I was hoping that Molly wasn’t going to be in a playful mood, as I didn’t think I had it in me to have it in her.
As luck would have it she had the curse or to quote her own words
“I’ve got the decorators in”
While I was away Katy had been it some discomfort and Claire would be calling in the next morning to see if was time to increase her meds.

Contrary to the old adage March came in like a lamb and gave us our first glimpse of spring.
And along with the early spring sunshine the beautiful Dr Andrews arrived with an expression on her face that didn’t match the morning.
“I’ll go straight up,” She said

She was upstairs for about half an hour and her expression was no brighter when she came down than it was on the way up.
She walked straight over to me and hugged me.
“Every thing ok?” I asked
“I didn’t think we’d have to go onto the strong stuff for another week or two” she replied “It’s progressing faster than I imagined”
For the next ten minutes Claire sobbed into my chest.

This new pain management was stronger than before but had a smaller window of effectiveness, which meant the nurse’s visits would increase and within a week or two would necessitate a nurse on duty overnight.

For my part I wanted to maintain some semblance of routine with Katy as long as possible and I kept up with the Harry Potter.

Claire gave the midday injection and in the evening pretty Freya called in at the usual time.
We flirted a bit as usual and then as she was leaving she said
“See you at midnight”

I was starting to get used to the uncomfortable chair as I read another three chapters from The Chamber of Secrets.
I only stopped at three, as there was a knock at the front door.
I opened it a few minutes before midnight.
The diminutive figure of Freya St David was standing on the step in the cold night air.
“Come in” I urged her “you don’t have to knock”
“I don’t like to enter anywhere uninvited” she said making it sound deliciously dirty.
“I’ll bare that in mind for the future” I said

While she was upstairs giving Katy her injection I was in the kitchen washing up some coffee mugs and glasses.
I didn’t hear her come downstairs nor did I hear her walk into the kitchen and sidle up behind me.
In fact the first time I knew she was standing behind me was when she slipped her arms around me and began to unfasten my belt, she then proceeded to undo the button on my jeans and tug down my zip and before I could blink she had my trousers and pants around my knees and her hands on my cock.
After a minute or two Freya steered me around so I was facing her from where she could kiss me and grab my cock in a more meaningful way at the same time.
Pretty little Freya had taken complete control of the situation, which was something I was quite unaccustomed too and it was rather refreshing.
Nonetheless I reclaimed the initiative by lifting the diminutive little nurse up off the floor until she was standing on a kitchen chair where she continued to kiss me while I yanked her black tights and lacy knickers down to her knees.
I slid my hands up the backs of her thighs until I reached the fleshy little cheeks of her buttocks, which I caressed and squeezed before I seated her on the table so I could completely remove her pants and tights.
I sat down on the chair, which placed me perfectly between her white skinny thighs, and I was about to drink from her velvet cup when she pushed my head back.
“Later” she said taking the initiative again and climbed on to my lap.
She kissed me hard on the mouth and her little tongue darted in and out of my mouth like a tiny serpent as she impaled her hot tight cunny around my cock, her hot breath filling my mouth as she moaned and slid down on me.
I instantly set about separating her from her uniform, which only took a few seconds once I had located the zip.
Once she was naked my hands quickly sort out and found her lovely little breasts.
Freya by that time had her arms wrapped tightly around my neck and was going at me with relish, her mouth was now by my ear and she was moaning hoarsely as she pumped down.
All I could do at the point when the pace became frenetic was to grasp at her buttocks and hang on for dear life as she pumped up and down on my shaft, faster and faster.
“Oh Simon” She whimpered as she moved towards the abyss.
I moved my hands up to her hips to control the rhythm.
As she gripped the back of the chair behind my head and through gritted teeth her moans grew louder and louder and louder
“Ohhhh god” she screamed and throwing back her head she pumped on me again and then I came in her.
Again she pumped and again milking me of every drop.
“Mmmm” Freya exclaimed as she wrapped herself around my neck again and kissed me.
We stayed like that for a minute or so then she was on the move and released my cock from its syrupy tomb with a pleasurable sigh.
And I took her to my bed.