TAKING OFFENCE

People are so easily offended today
This is quite ironic really
As due to political correctness
We are censored so heavily
And with all the sanitising
There is so little opportunity
But those who do take offence
Fall into three distinct categories

Firstly, the genuinely offended
Those who feel the detriment,
Whose opinion is seldom heard
Unless it’s politically expedient

Second, the white middle class heterosexuals
Who like to be offended on others behalf
And are particularly suspicious
At anything that gets a laugh

Thirdly, come the professionals
Those who get offended for a living
They frequent the morning TV sofas
And are relentlessly unforgiving

The professionals feel no offence
But find their roles financially fulfilling
They will take umbrage for anyone
Just to earn another shilling

Even worse however is anticipated offence
Those who want to act just in case
Some unspeakable offence may be caused
If things are unchanged or left in place

The original intention may well have been
That a better society was planned
But what they have managed to do instead
Is to make the world more bland

DEAR LOST AND FOUND

Dear lost and found
Can you please assist?
Lost – one heart
In poor general condition
Broken repeatedly
Repaired shoddily
(Too many times to count)
It is a good heart
Generous in proportion
True and steady
Not of fickle disposition
A trusting heart
A heart given freely
Last possessed by Julie
Heart was last seen
Being trodden underfoot
By previous keeper

EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

You always feel like
A Sunflower amidst the Daffodils
A Thistle among the Tulips
Out of place, unsightly

You see yourself
As the ugly duckling
But who never transformed
Into the beautiful swan

You feel ugly and at odds
Ungainly and ungraceful
How wrong you are
To me you are perfection

You should feel like
You are a Rose amidst Cabbages
An Orchid among Daises
In pride of place, radiant

I see you as
The beautiful signet
Who was transformed
Into a beautiful graceful swan

That’s how I see you
An angel from the host
A goddess among mortals
Whom I shall forever worship

THE HOST OF STREET ANGELS

Spread the good news
By any means you choose
Pass on the news to all
Herald it with clarion call
And drummers drumming
The Street Angels are coming

A host of angels on the beat
Where the folk of Woking meet
Armed only with Gods light
To illuminate those in plight
But not to preach or evangelise
Nor to judge or chastise
But to listen with sympathetic ears
Offer a tissue to stem the tears
Have a Christian heart to care
And make a difference there

For road weary travellers
And over enthusiastic revellers
The intoxicated and the incapable
The distressed and the vulnerable
And for the impromptu shoeless
And the temporarily clueless
They have sensible Flip flops
And sugar boosting Lollipops

So spread the good news
By any means you choose
Pass on the news to all
Herald it with clarion call
And drummers drumming
The Street Angels are coming
And their blessed presence on the street
Shows that God is on his feet

ANOTHER MIXED COLLECTION OF HUMOUR

TAKEN ITS TOLL

I don’t have a bell to ring
Someone’s taken my dingaling

I don’t know what’s wrong
Someone has taken my dong

I don’t know why the bloody hell
I can’t seem to ring my bell

I know the batteries haven’t run out
It’s not old and clapped out

So I’m at a loss to explain
Why I’m out here in the pouring rain

Now wait a moment that’s not right
It should be visible an LED light

Now that really is quite odd
It’s gone, some thieving little sod

Has stolen the bell push off the door
Light and all, to be seen no more

So I don’t have a bell to ring
As someone’s stolen my dingaling

A CALCULATED DECISION

Miss Armitage entered Calculus class
To stand amidst a disorderly eruption
And she immediately confiscated a catapult
Deemed to be a weapon of math disruption

TENSE TRAVELLER

I just returned yesterday
From the town of Oldham
But as that is in the past now
I suppose it should be Feltham

KATIE SINGS LIBERALLY

I have to say my heart was gladdened
When I heard Katie Melua sing
China has obviously come a long way
If there are 9 million bisexuals in Beijing

ENGLISH DEFENDERS LEAGUE

Goals scored in the premiership
Reached record numbers on Saturday
But that’s what happens when you hold
An EDL rally on the same day

EXTREME SPORTS TIP # 1

You don’t need a parachute
To go skydiving
Unless you want to make it
A regular thing

CLEANING HOUSE

My wife and I went up to the loft the other day
And I cleaned it with her while we were there
But oh dear now there is all hell to pay
As I cant get the cobwebs out of her hair

MEDICAL PRACTICE

I refuse to go to the local doctors,
A medical practice part of the NHS
And I know beggars can’t be choosers
But they can practice on somebody else

TAKEN AT THE FLOOD

As I stand by the placid waters
Watching as the evening sky glows
I ask myself the question
Why didn't Noah kill the two mosquitoes?

OH YES HE IS

On stage at the Victoria
The lad playing Aladdin
Was attacked from behind
But the audience tried to warn him

THE CORRECT SOLUTION

I was caught stealing Tippex
You know, the liquid correction solution
Well my employer pressed charges
And I was sent to a correctional institution

THE PERILS OF FAST FOOD

Why did the hapless Wile E. Coyote
In pursuit of his nemesis, Roadrunner
Spend a fortune on ACME products
Every all singing, all dancing, must have winner
If he had all that money to burn
He could just have paid for his dinner

SELF ANALYSIS

Are you clinically obese?
Is your alcohol intake quite scary?
Do you like to dress up as a woman?
Then eat, drink and be Mary

HELP LINE # 3

I phoned the incontinence help line today
To say “I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
In the hope of having my condition assuaged
But try as I might it was always engaged

THE LOUD MINORITY

People today are so self obsessed
So wrapped up in themselves
Banging on about THEIR rights
THEIR civil liberties THEIR freedoms
They have forgotten about the people
Who fought and died to win them

DOCTOR MANNERS

Elsie went to see her doctor
Because of persistent back pain
The doctor was less than sympathetic
Having to examine her again
“I’m sorry Elsie but as I told you before
Its old age, you’re just getting on a bit”
Elsie demanded a second opinion
He said “ok, you also have saggy tits”

THE LATEST FAD

I’ve been on every diet known to man
Atkins, Lemonade, Cabbage and f-plan
And I’ve never lost a thing worthy of mention
But I try every new one, full of good intention
Now I'm on the Whisky diet, which I’m taking steady
And do you know I've lost three days already.

GO WAYNE

“Wayne, go to the paper shop”
“Wayne? Go to the paper shop”
“Cant do it babe, it can’t be done”
“Wayne, just get off your bum”
“Cant be done babe, I can’t do it”
“Wayne just do it you lazy git”
“I’m not being lazy babe honestly”
“It just can’t be done babe really”
“Coz I went to the paper shop yesterday
And it had blown away”

SWEET GIRL

Ahla was very cute and sweet
And she worked at the sweetshop
An appropriate occupation
For such a confection
I asked her out one day
And too my surprise she said yes
But on our first date I found
She was not so cute and sweet
But was rather deliciously sinful
And she gave me a proper treat
But I wasn’t the first to dip his liquorice
In that particular fountain
Every lad with a sweet tooth
Had sampled her pick and mix
Even the oldies with a taste for soft centres
Had tried her Turkish delight
But I didn’t mind sharing
After all a bag of candy goes a long way
But I had to draw the line
When I heard about Bertie Bassett
With whom she did Allsorts

DIVORCE IS..... # 1

Divorce is…
Cathartic, purification
Therapeutically purgative
Like colonic irrigation

CORNERING THE MARKET

The corner shop has reopened
It’s been closed for a bit
It’s got new owners
And they’ve had a refit
I’m not sure if it will succeed
It’s a bit of a niche market
But there’s a new corner shop
So I thought I would try it
I told them “It’s a bit specialized”
I felt it only fare to warn her
And it’s called “the corner shop”
I just bought the four corners

A MIXED COLLECTION OF HUMOUR

HOUSEWIFE

When I used to leave the house
I kissed my wife goodbye
Now as I leave my wife
I have kissed the house goodbye

LOOSE MORALS #1

She was without her knickers at Twickers
There was a little thatch at Brans Hatch
There was a blushing fellow at flushing meadow
When she was legs akimbo in the limo

PHILOSOPHICAL REMINDER

Even though hurting you
Is the very last thing I want to do
Not to tell you this would be remiss
It is still on the list.

CONDOM

In the Middle Ages
The condom was invented
Using a goat's lower intestine
So pregnancy could be prevented
It was an innovation of its time
But birth rates were un-dented
So a simple modification was made
Resulting in a drop in births
They simply removed the intestine
From the goat first

HELP LINE # 2

I phoned the incontinence help line today
“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
But I was extremely disappointed to be told
By the disembodied voice that I should hold

SOLICITING

A lady of the night
Was arrested by a cop
For selling herself
At a busy, truck stop

“I am not selling myself”
She told her accuser
“I am selling condoms
With a free applicator”

LOOSE MORALS # 2

She showed all her bits in Biarritz
She went all the way in St Tropez
When she got hot on a yacht
And got bare arsed before the mast

BIRTH DEFECT

A woman gave birth to a baby
And knew instantly that it was not right
“What’s wrong?” She asked the doctor
He said “your child is a hermaphrodite”

The woman had no idea what that was
But knew from his demeanour, it wasn’t good
The doctor hesitated before speaking
“It means the baby has more organs than it should”

“The baby is equipped as a man and a woman”
The doctor had to further explain
Before the woman finally understood
“You mean the baby has a penis and a brain”?

A PINCH OF SALT

Take life with a pinch of salt
So the old adage goes
So follow the advice
Take it from one who knows
Take life with a pinch of salt
Take it from a wise fella
Just follow it with a slice of lemon
And a good shot of tequila

SENIOR TRUTH

If I must tell the truth about getting old,
Then I shall put all my cards on the table
Even when I’m naked I still want to
Slip into something more comfortable

NOT PAYING ATTENSION

I was only half listening to the radio
So I’m not sure if I heard right
But I think the gist of it was
“Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite”
I think it was the weather forecast,
Meaning “Persistent rain but occasionally bright”

LOOSE MORALS # 3

There was some show n tell at the hotel
When she showed her tits in St Kitts
She was asked to leave would you beleive
So she showed them again on the plane

IN MY GHIA

Wherever I drive my Ford Ghia
Whether it be far of near
No matter if the roads are clear
In my mirror to the rear
A BMW’s Teutonic sneer
Will almost always appear

SEX EDUCATION 101

Peaches told her mother when she got home
Tommy showed me his willy at school today
The mother in shocked silence heard her continue
"It reminded me of a peanut in a way”

The mother relaxed a little with this addition
As it was not the answer for which she was braced
“Is that because it was really, really small”?
Peaches replied, "No because it had a salty taste”

ERIC THE CLERIC

Atmospheric Eric
An evangelical cleric
Was highly esoteric
And was quite mesmeric
But the atmospheric cleric
Was prone to the hysteric
And like his father Derek
Became a bedlam cleric

LOOSE MORALS # 4

She made women chatter at the regatta
But she made men quiver on the river
And when she was floating in a punt
There was absolutely nothing to see

PHILOSOPHICAL HAPPINESS

The truth of the matter is I guess
That some folk cause happiness
Some cause it wherever they go
While with others it’s whenever they go

LOVE IS.....

Love is…
The beginning
And the end
And everything in between

Love is…
Taking moments
And making memories
Together

Love is…
The unspoken,
The unwritten,
All the things
We don’t have to say

Love is…
The golden thread
Binding us together

Love is…
The mundane,
The ordinary
And the everyday
Made extraordinary

Love is…
Not making promises
Its keeping them

Love is…
Being comfortable
With each other
Even in the silence

Love is…
Is a dream fulfilled
Or a wish come true

Love is…
Not fearing the quiet
Not doubting in the silence
Not feeding your insecurities
Not being jealous
Jealousy is not love

Love is…
Not a metaphor
Nor is it figurative
Or expressed in symbols
Love just is