A Little Bit Of Humour # 119

WHY DID THE BACHELOR CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the bachelor cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid finding a bride

GARDENING RULE

If you can’t tell the difference
Between a plant and weed
Then learn by pulling one up
That’s the best way to proceed
And if it comes out quite easily
Then the other one is the weed

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 369

Oh, the grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill,
And he marched them down again.
But when they were not up nor down
The grand old Duke forgot they were there
But that was an occupational hazard
As he had early onset dementia

THE PLURAL OF MAN

So if it is correct that
The plural of man is men
Then why is the plural of pan,
Pans and not pen

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IS # 2

It is a sad fact of life that is
Inherently unfair
If there are four ways
In which a thing can go wrong
A fifth way will occur

IF LAWYERS CAN BE DISBARRED # 1

If Lawyers can be disbarred
then will fishermen be debated?
Will magicians be disillusioned?
And politicians denominated?

FOR THE BARGAIN PRICE OF A FIRST CLASS STAMP

For the bargain price of a first class stamp
You can trust a letter to the post master
But it won’t be delivered the next day
And second class won’t arrive the day after

MY GRANDFATHER WAS A BIT DEAF

My Grandfather was a bit deaf
He couldn’t hear with clarity
When Neville Chamberlain
Declared our common enemy
He thought that England had
Declared war on Jeremy

SENTIMENTALITY

The man lived with a wife
Who was overly sentimental
And after many years of marriage
It finally sent him mental

MY YOUNG SON JUSTIN WAS KNOCKED OUT

My young son Justin was knocked out
Of the latest school’s spelling bee bout
Armageddon was the word that did it
But hey it’s not the end of the world is it

ARE YOU WEARING MORMON GARMENTS?

Are you wearing Mormon garments?
The ones like cool white milk
Are they supposed to be sacred?
Or something of that ilk
Or to preserve your modesty
In sensual soft shimmering silk

ALL ABOUT RACIST SEAFOOD

I saw something shocking
On one of those nature programs
All about racist seafood
They were the Ku Klux Clams

THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE

The grass is not greener on the other side
Of the fence, that’s what they tell me
But, what if they’re wrong about that
And you never actually take a look and see

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEBODY

I always wanted to be somebody,
Which proved to be impolitic
Because I realize that maybe
I should have been more specific.

DYSLEXIC, AGNOSTIC, INSOMNIAC

Dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac
His traits were a catalogue
And he stayed up all night
Deciding if there really is a dog

A Little Bit Of Humour # 118

WHY DID THE DIVORCEE CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the divorcee cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid another bride

WHEN I HAD MY VERY FIRST GARDEN

When I had my very first garden
It filled me with absolute terror
I didn’t have any experience
But I learnt by trowel and error

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 368

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
He goes to the doctor without hesitation
And four hours later has a penis extension

ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 3

Are you wearing odd socks?
Well it’s not quirky or hipster
And I don’t think it was your intent
I think you must have dementia

THE PLURAL OF FOOT

So if it is correct that
The plural of foot is feet
Then why is the plural of boot,
Boots and not beet

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 2

It is a sad fact of life that if
There is a worse time, when
Something can go wrong
Of course it will happen then

IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 2

If clergymen can be defrocked
Then can dry cleaners get de-pressed
Or must songwriters be de-composed
And hair stylists get dis-tressed?

WHEN THE PRINCESS FOUND THE FROG

When the princess found the frog
And the kiss was firmly planted
The prince turned out to be gay
And the Princess was disenchanted

BIMBETTE IS NOT THE BRIGHTEST

Bimbette is not the brightest
And living with her is very hard
In fact she’s the reason
The gene pool needs a lifeguard

I MADE MY GIRL BIMBETTE

I made my girl Bimbette
Really laugh on Saturday
The only problem is I told
Her the joke on Wednesday

MEN LIKE LOGIC AND SEX

Men like logic and sex
In fact they really like it
But sex better than logic
Though I can't prove it

PUT DOWN # 59

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “you are the sun and the moon”
Simply don’t be taken in by it
And just say “I may love to shop
But I'm not buying your bullshit”

BIMBETTE SAYS SHE CAN COUNT TO SEVENTY

Bimbette says she can count to seventy
But I think that’s very doubtful
Because in my experience she always
Finds sixty nine a bit of a mouthful

SOME PEOPLE ARE UP BEAT

Some people are up beat
And see life as a positive
But I was born to be a pessimist
Even my blood type is B Negative

MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 1

My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says that my first passport
Was written on a scroll

A Little Bit Of Humour # 117

WHY DID THE BIGAMIST CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the bigamist cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to the other bride

TO A GARDENER

To a gardener,
A grassed over area
Is just a flowerbed
That has yet to appear

ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 2

Are you wearing odd socks?
I suppose the look is a bit hipster
But honestly at your age, you are
Meat and drink for a quipster

THE PLURAL OF TOOTH

So if it is correct that
The plural of tooth is teeth
Then why isn’t the plural
Of booth, beeth

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IF # 1

It is a sad fact of life that if
Several things can go to cock,
The one to be befall you
Will cause the most shock

IF CLERGYMEN CAN BE DEFROCKED # 1

If clergymen can be defrocked
And lawyers be disbarred
Then that must mean that
Tree surgeons can be debarked

MY BROTHER IN LAW IS FROM STRATFORD

My brother in law is from Stratford
He went to Shakespeare's school
No of course he didn’t know him
He was in the year above you fool

THE EXITED STATES OF AMERICA

The exited states of America
Have an upcoming election
And a Trump victory will make
The united states of aggression

A CONFUSED SPERM ASKED FOR DIRECTIONS

A confused sperm asked for directions
Not really a masculine trait
But he asked and was told
Oh I wouldn’t start from here mate

THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 2

That's political correctness that is
When my little neighbour Allen
A short ass with a chip on his shoulder
Is actually vertically challenged

MY WIFE DROVE HER FIRST HUSBAND

My wife drove her first husband
To shoot himself in despair
But she only drove her second
To the bottom of a bottle to be fair

PUT DOWN # 60

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”
Ignore him unless he persists then say
“How many times do I have to flush
Before you go away?”

SUICIDE IS PAINLESS, ACCORDING TO THE SONG

Suicide is painless, according to the song
I think it’s supposed to be a witticism
But I have always thought of suicide
As the most sincere form of self-criticism

MY BROTHER AND I ARE CHALK AND CHEESE

My brother and I are chalk and cheese
As hard as I try we just don’t fit
i.e. when he’s drunk and sees a street sign
He has an urge to relieve himself on it

WHEN A NINETY TWO YEAR OLD MAN

When a ninety two year old man
Married his eighteen year old bride
She had a blush on her cheeks

And after the wedding breakfast
She was presented with the presents
And he was given two weeks

A Little Bit Of Humour # 116

WHY DID THE FUGITIVE CROSS THE ROAD?

Why did the fugitive cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide

A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED

A weed is a plant that has simply mastered
Every survival skill in the way it grows
But with all its hardy guile and cunning
They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 367

Mary had a little lamb
She couldn’t stop it bleating
So Mary snapped and the lamb
Made very good eating

ARE YOU WEARING ODD SOCKS? # 1

Are you wearing odd socks?
Well that’s quirky in the youth
And it’s quite nice to see, but
But on you they look stupid in truth

THE PLURAL OF GOOSE

So if it is correct that
The plural of goose is geese
Then why isn’t the plural
Of moose, meese

THE SEX WAS SO GOOD LAST NIGHT

The sex was so good last night
With my girlfriend Bimbette
That after it was over even
The neighbours had a cigarette.

I QUIT MY JOB AT THE REFINERY

I quit my job at the refinery
In the helium gas zone
It was a good job but I refused
To be spoken to in that tone

SHOTS WERE FIRED AT THE CHOIR

Shots were fired at the choir
Which has affected morale
The Arizona News called it
“Gunfight at the Ok Chorale”

PUT DOWN # 58

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he falters and flirts with you
He is only flattering to deceive
So ignore him, but if he persists ask
“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”

IT IS A SAD FACT OF LIFE THAT IS # 1

It is a sad fact of life that is
Something of a curse
Left to themselves things
Will go from bad to worse

THE INVENTOR OF DENTAL FLOSS

The inventor of dental floss
Was honoured and hailed
When a piece of commemorative
Plaque was unveiled

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS

The Guinness book of records
Have published an update
The world’s untidiest man has died
And his body is lying in a state

A CHICKEN AT THE MOVIES

A chicken at the movies
Made the whole theatre look
So the manager asked
“Why are you here chook?”
The chicken replied,
“Well, because I liked the book”

I HAVE BEEN TOLD TO EXERCISE

I have been told to exercise
But I am deliberately refraining
As refusing to go to the gym
Counts as resistance training

HOSPITALITY IS AN ART FORM

Hospitality is an art form
Making your guests feel
Like they're actually at home,
While wishing they were for real