GETTING ON # 4

 

You have reached old age

And you sit around and wonder  

Why you rang your friend

To ask him for his new number

GETTING ON # 3

 

I may be getting on in years

But it’s not all doom and gloom

I have the body of an 18-year-old,

Which I keep in the spare room

GETTING ON # 1

 

You know you are getting old

When you can’t work out how

The cereal got into the fridge

And you can’t find the milk now

THERE ARE THREE THINGS THAT HAPPEN

 There are three things that happen, when

You reach my age, in my view

The first thing, your memory starts to go

And I’ve forgotten the other two

THE SENIOR CITIZENS GROUP

 

The Senior Citizens group

Were one of the very top

Break dancing troupes

And they were called Hip Op

EVENTUALLY YOU WILL REACH A POINT

 

Eventually you will reach a point,

And I’m there I must admit,

Where I’ve stopped lying about my age

And started bragging about it

INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON

 

Inside every older person

There is a younger person

Wondering and saddened

About what had happened

I CAN STILL ENJOY SEX

 

I can still enjoy sex

At Seventy-four,

I live at seventy six

So, it’s only next door

AT MY ADVANCED AGE # 2

 

At my advanced age I find

I am surprised by something

The presence of public toilets

Are worryingly comforting

AT MY ADVANCED AGE # 3

 

At my advanced age

I can still cut the mustard

It’s just opening the jar

That I find so terribly hard

I KNOW I’M GETTING OLD # 2

 

You know you’re getting old

When you start to curse and mutter

After realising you spread face cream

On your bread instead of butter

AT MY ADVANCED AGE # 4

 

At my advanced age

I don’t worry too much about

Avoiding temptation

It will avoid me without doubt

THE REASON THAT THE OLD MAN

 

The reason that the old man

Fell in the well?

Was simply because

He couldn't see very well

SHE WAS NINETY THREE YEARS OLD

 

She was ninety three years old

While he was only ninety one

Not a cross word, but they were

Both deaf when said and done

THE FIRST SIGN IS FORGETTING NAMES

 

The first sign is forgetting names

And that really makes you frown

Then you forget to pull your flies up

Finally, you forget to pull it down

I KNOW I’M GETTING OLD # 1

 

You know you’re getting old

When answering your phone cheerily

There is silence on the other end

And you realize it was on the TV

DAREDEVILISH # 3

 

Some activities in life

Since time began

Build your self-esteem

Like no others can

One such activity

Of which I’m a fan

Is sharpening pencils with a knife

As it makes me feel like a man

DAREDEVILISH # 2

 

Some activities in life

Since time began

Build your self-esteem

Like no others can

One such activity

Of which I’m a fan

Is prodding a fire with a stick

As it makes me feel like a man

DAREDEVILISH # 1

 

To do something daring

That is my wish

Like eating cup-a-soup

From a dish

DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN?

 

I grew a beard, thinking it would say

"Distinguished Gentleman" to all

Instead, what it’s actually saying

Is Senior Discount seeker at the Mall