ON THE ROOF

 

Two lonely aerials meet on a roof and start to date

Very soon they fall in love so it must have been fate

They name the day as their love has proved resilient

The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant

Uncanny Christmas Tales – (013) An Unentertaining Christmas

 

Since the advent of Cable, Satellite and Streaming the quality of the entertainment seems to diminish as each Christmas passes.

It used to be bad enough in the old days when there were only three channels to fill, but we did at least get some great Christmas fare.

Now we allegedly have more choice than we have ever had, although I think the reality is that we merely have more channels, and the same or even less quality.

In truth the terrestrial channels can’t really compete although to be honest they don’t even try don’t even try any more to offer anything that we might consider to be of acceptable quality.

Year after year all five channels are packed with a mixture of repeats and things which should never be seen again.

I remember a Christmas not long ago; I can’t remember one single stand out program that appeared on the terrestrial channels that year.

To be truthful it doesn’t have to be the latest Christmas schedule as every one is the same.

The Great Escape, Tom Browns schooldays, Mr Chips and the obligatory Sound of Music.

However, there are sometimes a selection of new dramas though quite honestly, they do tend to flatter to deceive.

I remember one holiday season several years ago where one of the offerings was something called “Uncle Adolph”, God alone knows what they were thinking.

Ken Stott had the lead role, although he was more reminiscent of Groucho Marx than the Fuhrer and at one point good old incestuous Uncle Adolph was sat knocking out a tune on the piano to impress his pretty young niece and I genuinely thought he was going to burst into a chorus of “Springtime for Hitler”, to be quite honest the play couldn’t have been anymore ludicrous if he had.

I do still get my bumper Christmas edition of the Radio Times every year and open it with real hope that this year will be better than the one before, but alas.

AND THE BEST PICTURE IS

It’s that time of the year once more
When the motion picture industry
Pat them selves on their collective backs
And mark another year in their history

But when the time comes
How do we choose what to see?
Film reviews are little help
And critics add no clarity

Industry spokesmen and women
Film critics and film reviewers
Those who form the Oscar collective
Are of little use to film viewers

“Best picture Oscar” must be good
Well I fell in that trap
I watched “Gangs of New York”
And it turned out to be crap

Also I have found I am out of step
With the film critics view
So you have to decipher the code
That’s all you have to do

Just follow this simple guide
“Critically Acclaimed” = Crap
“Stunning cinematography” = No story
“Award winning soundtrack” = Artie crap

“Thought provoking” = No car chases
“Dark” = Badly lit
“Moving” = Alright for girls
“Moody” = Poor dialog and badly lit

“Oscar nominated” = Wasn’t good enough
“Poignant = Has no plot
“Oscar winning” = Over hyped
“Gritty” = They say fuck a lot

These simple tips may help
Save you wasting precious time
Watching an ill described film
Best designated as a crime

BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT

Britain’s got talent
Of that there’s no doubt
Britain’s got talent
The secret is finally out

Britain’s got talent
In depth and variety
Britain’s got talent
For every one to see

But apart from talent shows
And the Royal Variety
There is no outlet
For these acts on TV

Where it not for Blackpool
And Lakeside in Frimley
There would be no outlet at all
For our wonderful variety

So Simon Cowell
Master of the TV franchise
Give us more variety on TV
As a feast for our eyes

Britain has got talent
An unseen depth of it
But it doesn’t matter
If we never get to see it