A Humourous Selection # 17

THE STUFF OF DREAMS

Let me say this from the start
You’re a lovely bit of stuff
I say this in all sincerity
You’re a gorgeous piece of fluff
I can’t emphasize this enough
You are truly cute and buff
What I wouldn’t freely give
To spy you in the buff
And what I wouldn’t do
For a glimpse of your chuff
Just to see if there is parity
Between collar and cuff

CALL CENTER MODE YET AGAIN

One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her

"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy said
Bimbette replied to him
“I have a problem printing in red”
He asked, “Do you have a colour printer”?
Then the line went dead

INCONSIDERATE NEIGHBOURS

At 3am there was a knock at the door
It was my neighbour, the cheeky little strumpet
3 o’clock in the morning, can you believe that?
Having the door knocked by some bit of crumpet
All I can say is that it was lucky for the little madam
I was still up playing my trumpet

MATRIMONIAL BEQUEST

He called out to his wife
As he sat watching TV
"When I die I’m going to leave
Everything to you sweety!"
She shouted back,
"You already do, you lazy B"

OUT OF MY LEAGUE # 2

Though not the type
To put it about
She was a looker
Without a doubt
It’s a shame
I’m not in with a shout
I’ll just go home
And knock one out

MY MISSING WIFE

My wife has been missing for a week
The Police haven’t found her yet
They told me to prepare for the worst
So I've put all her clothes back in the closet

DYNAMITE BLONDE

The body builder took off his vest
And Bimbette said, "What a Great chest
it’s because of all the exercising maybe”
He said, ‘That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

The body builder took off his trousers
And Bimbette said “Oh wowsers
What great legs you have, strong like iron!”
He said, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Hon”'

The body builder took off his shorts
But instead of complimentary retorts
Bimbette ran away screaming in fear
“I’m getting the hell out of here”

He quickly got dressed and followed on
And earnestly asked her what was wrong
“I got afraid of all that dynamite because
When I saw how short the fuse was!”

HOMEOPATHIC HUMOUR

I told a joke about alternative medicine
And it only raised a smirk
That’s the problem with Homeopathic humour
It doesn’t really work

WHAT A THOUGHTFUL GUY

My wife and I walked passed,
A very posh restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?"
She said and she was quite right

Being something of thoughtful man
I mused as we walked along the street
“Oh what the hell she deserves it”
So I walked her passed again as a treat

SHIRK ETHIC

I’m not possessed of the work ethic
But I don’t mind going there
However the eight-hour wait
To go home is a real nightmare