Nature Days

HUMMINGBIRD FLY

Hummingbird fly
On vibrant wings
Sip, iridescent beauty
From trumpet blooms
The nectar sweet
With long slender bill
In flower deep

FROM THE BREAK OF EACH NEW DAWN

From the break of each new dawn
When heralding the new day
The sun crests the horizon
To Paint the eastern sky
With natures orange glow
Until it sets again
In majestic splendour
Beyond the western hills
And is swallowed by the darkness
It gives life with its benevolent light

FLAME TREES

Flame trees in the jungle
Petals like tongues of fire
Burning bright in paradise

ON THE CUSP OF SPRING AND SUMMER

On the cusp of spring and summer
Hawthorn hedgerows bloom
And produce their fruity haws
Before the autumns gathering gloom

THE FADING LIGHT OF THE EVENING

The fading light of the evening
Mirrors the slow diminishing
Of my own dwindling light
As we both head towards the night

A DEW DROP SLOWLY ROLLS

A dew drop slowly rolls along the broad leaf
Like a perfect pearl, it moves on its journey brief
Before dropping off the edge to a rivulet below
And the pearl disappears into the mercurial flow

ON A STORMY NIGHT

On a stormy night
As strangers slumber
Around the gables
The wild wind howled
And rain hit the panes
Like thrown gravel
As the lightning struck
And thunder growled

THE HEATHERS ON THE HILLSIDE

The Heathers on the hillside
And Buttercups in the meadow
The Bluebells in the woods
And Orchids in the hedgerow
What a green and pleasant land
Where the wild flowers grow

AS THE EVENING LIGHT FADES

As the evening light fades
The sky takes on a twilight hue
Until the stars appear above
And the moon comes into view

RED ADMIRAL

Red admiral flutter by
You Beautiful butterfly
Drink from the buddleia
Lovely Vanessa atalanta

THE RED KITE

The Red Kite
Beautiful in flight
In the cape verde sky
Raptor flying high

THE RED SQUIRREL

The red squirrel
Cute arboreal Character
Once abundant in our woodland
Now small in number
Only survive in small pockets
Thanks to the grey intruder

LITTLE BIRD BRING US

Little bird bring us
Your sweet song
To woodland
And to meadow
Usher in another
Blessed summer

AMIDST THE MYRIAD STARS

Amidst the myriad stars
The bright crescent moon
Hangs in the midnight sky
And palely paints the ocean
With its gentle lunar light

A DAZZLING ARRAY OF STARS

A dazzling array of stars
Carpet the night sky
Enlivening the heart
And making spirits fly

A Little Bit Of Humour # 20

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 6

I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
One possibility is in Suspense
That makes the adrenalin flow

HE CERTAINLY WASN’T MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 2

He certainly wasn’t much of a policeman
Of that most people would concur
His colleagues called him the Gurkha
Because he never took a prisoner

THEY SAY THAT THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE

They say that the love of your life
Will only come into view
When you’re not really looking
Which for me was certainly true

Unfortunately when we met
I was texting as I drove my Rover
Just as she crossed the road
Which is why I ran her over

PICKUP # 7

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“There is something wrong
With my mobile phone miss”
You might well begin
“you’re not in my contacts list”

PICKUP # 8

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
But if your tastes are unusual
Don’t be shy about it
Don’t beat about the bush
Just come right out with it
Say “I'd suck a fart out of your ass
And hold it like a bong hit”

I WAS CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING

I was caught shoplifting
Form the Apple store
It was my first offence
I’d not done it before

They didn’t prosecute
I got lucky clearly
Although I think it was
Only Scrumping really

THE BANK OF ENGLAND ANNOUNCED

The Bank of England Announced
In an article they wrote
Jane Austen Will appear
On the new ten pound note

I don’t like to put a damper
On the decision but you see
This decision means that
She will be the “Tenner” Lady

MY WIFE IS A JAILER

My wife is a jailer
And in a fit of passion
I made advances
To get my marital ration

In the ensuing melee
I became entangled
In her bunch of keys
As they dangled

I begged for assistance
But she just scoffed
And in the end
She just fobbed me off

I LOST MY THESAURUS TODAY

I lost my thesaurus today
It was after the exam
I can’t find the words to describe
How upset I am

THIS MORNING’S BREAKFAST NEWS

This morning’s Breakfast News
Live from Downing Street
On the rolling news that never stops
I have learned in the last few minutes
That the Prime Minister had toast
While Nick Clegg had coca pops

MY DAD HAD TO HAVE HIS CAT PUT DOWN

My Dad had to have his cat put down
It was all terribly sad
He didn’t find that the lethal injection
Was all that bad
But what the vet said afterwards
Really upset my Dad
“That’s the first of the injections
Out of the way Mr Plaid
Only another eight to go”
Which was when Pop went mad

I WAS ALWAYS TOLD THAT FARMING

I was always told that Farming
Was a terribly tough way of life
Well I haven’t found that to be the case
And nor has Audrey my wife
We were told by almost everyone
We were making a big mistake
But we chose to be Wind Farmers
And honestly it’s a piece of cake

A Little Bit Of Humour # 19

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 5

I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
What if I end up in Capable
I find that that’s often where I go

WHEN I LAND A REAL PRIZE WINNING FISH

When I land a real prize winning fish
It’s like meeting a bird that’s really fit
I am filled with the same indecision
I don’t know whether to eat it or mount it

OUR SCARECROW WON FIRST PRIZE

Our scarecrow won first prize
When the winner was revealed
The judges at the county show
Thought it outstanding in its field

A FOREST FIRE CAN START

A forest fire can easily start
With a match you carelessly threw
Yet it can take a whole box
To light your BBQ

PICKUP # 5

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Do you believe in love at first sight?”
You might try to ascertain
And then you could continue
“Or should I walk by again?”

THE CARPENTERS

My wife said to me
Let’s play carpenter’s
So we got hammered
Then I'll nail her

I WENT TO MY VEG PLOT TO CHECK

I went to my veg plot to check
On my tender little darlings
And heartbreakingly I found
Decimation of my seedlings

The perpetrators are self-evident
By the tell-tale slimy slug ooze
And I could tell they had help
Due to the clearly visible Snail trail

RACING THROUGH ON THE GREEN

Racing through on the green
Breaking hard on the red
Foot dallying on the amber
Before belting across instead

I WANTED TO DONATE SPERM

I wanted to donate sperm
But there was a difficulty
I couldn’t perform
As the surroundings were iffy
Then I found you could do it by post
And I came in a jiffy

I PICKED UP A GIRL AND WENT BACK TO HERS

I picked up a girl and went back to hers
But I was struck by impotency
She was very understanding and said
“That used to happen to me”

WHEN ALBERT EINSTEIN

When Albert Einstein
Tugged on his penis
It was widely regarded
As a stroke of genius

YOU’LL NEVER GUESS I BET

You’ll never guess I bet
What it is that you get
If you cross the Atlantic
With the RMS Titanic?
Do you give in? Can I say?
Ok then “About half way”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 18

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 4

I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
I have never been in Flexible
But I really don’t know
I think it’s important to stand firm
So I would have to say no

ARE YOU WEARING LEDERHOSEN?

Are you wearing lederhosen?
Well that’s a look you could lose
And they make your buttocks squeak
Like a pair of new shoes

MY DOG MUST BE MUSICAL

My dog must be musical
What rubbish I hear you groan
But he must be I tell you
As I saw him eating a trombone

I’M WORRIED ABOUT ONE OF MY HENS

I’m worried about one of my hens
There’s something wrong with Megs
I think she must have been possessed
As she keeps laying Devilled eggs

ARE YOU WEARING A DIADEM?

Are you wearing a diadem?
Why are you some kind of princess?
No you actually have to be royalty
Not just daddy’s little princess

ARE YOU WEARING BAGGY DUNGAREES?

Are you wearing baggy dungarees?
Oh yes they’re the bee’s knees
And I can get inside them with ease
In fact I can have them round your knees
Quicker than you can sneeze
Oh yes I like your baggy dungarees

ARE YOU WEARING BRUT?

Are you wearing brut?
How 1970s of you
And it smells as if
You splashed it all over too

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM?

Are you wearing denim?
I didn’t know you could still buy it
It’s just like I remember
And it still smells like shit

WHY UNITED?

My mate asked me why
I’m a United fan
I replied that it was
Because my brother Dan
Supported the Reds,
Also my dad was a United man
And my mum was a
Lifelong United fan
So that was why I was also
A Man United fan

“That’s ridiculous” he said
“What if your brother was a thug?
Your mum was a prostitute
And your dad was on drugs
What would you be then?
You poor misguided fool?”
“Well obviously” I replied
“Then I'd support Liverpool”

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 3

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
The people suffered poverty and starvation
All the inhabitant had to live in their cars
It was the first time I’d come across an in-car-nation

HE CERTAINLY WASN’T MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 1

He certainly wasn’t much of a policeman
Of that there was very little doubt
His colleagues called him the station cat
Because on rainy nights he never went out

A Little Bit Of Humour # 17

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 3

When my girlfriend suggested
We play Doctors and Nurses
I was up for it even when
She told me about the role reverses

But when I dressed up in a uniform
With a starched white apron
She buggered off to play
Eighteen holes with a surgeon

ARE YOU WEARING BLUE LIPSTICK?

Are you wearing blue lipstick?
Then you must be a Dutch chick
Because I’ve heard the song Ma’am
About blue lips from Amsterdam

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 3

I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
I will probably be in Doubt
It’s not for frequent flyers though
Its destination I’m unsure of
In fact I’m not sure I want to go

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 2

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
Who have a novel approach to automation
You are not prohibited to own a motor car
Unless it is Pink, making them a Pink Car-nation

THE RED HOUSE

I met her in the Red House
When she gave me the eye
I gave her an appraising look
And thought I’d give her a try
I knew my luck was in when
She was unbuttoning my fly

ANNA WAS A GOOD TIME GIRL

Anna was a good time girl
In fact she really had a ball
And we called her Anna Glypta
As she liked it up against the wall

I REMEMBER LIKE YESTERDAY

I remember like yesterday
That cold and crispy morn
And just how proud I felt
On the day my son was born

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 300

Baa Baa black sheep
Have you any wool?
Please say yes sir
To make my wagon full

No I don’t have any wool
You bloody Wally
I’m not a sheep
I’m your Border Collie

TOM SHARPE RIP

He wrote Vintage Stuff
Of Riotous Assembly
And Indecent Exposure
He liked his Porterhouse Blue
In The Great Pursuit
And was no Blott on the landscape
Nor was he The Throwback
With Ancestral Vices
And in the end he didn’t die
It was just a simple case of Wilt

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY AND I’M SEVENTY THREE

It’s my birthday today and I’m seventy three
And I’m fit as a fiddle, nothing wrong with me
Although my memory's not like it used to be
And also my memory's not like it used to be

MY WIFE SAID I WAS NOT MYSELF TODAY

My wife said I was not myself today
Which I thought was a funny thing to say
But then she went on to say to me
She noticed the improvement immediately

GROWING OLD TOGETHER

Growing old together
Is not an easy trip
In fact as time goes by
It’s just a pain in the hip

A Little Bit Of Humour # 16

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 2

When my girlfriend suggested
We play hospitals
I thought phwor
But she gave me an enema
And now I don’t want
To play anymore

ARE YOU WEARING A SPACESUIT?

Are you wearing a spacesuit?
Good that makes two of us
Because I'm an astronaut and
My mission is to explore Uranus

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 2

I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
I would like to go to Conclusions
But you have to jump there, so
As I can’t do much physical activity
I would have to reluctantly say no

HEALING HANDS

Jesus cured all the sick and the lame
Apart from one scruffy man at the back
Jesus gestured him to come forward
“No way” he said “I'm on disability wack”

I LOVE CELEBRATING FATHER'S DAY

I love celebrating Father's day
With my sons and daughters
Though I do realize it can cause
Confusion in certain quarters

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 301

Hickory dickory dock
The mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
But the others escaped unscathed

EATING WITH THE INLAWS

An evening spent
With my wife’s family
Is good food and wine
And gracious hostility

I WENT TO THE MOVIES LAST NIGHT

I went to the movies last night
And watched a really good thriller
About a man poisoning the Cornflakes
Who turned out to be a cereal killer

YOU SHOULD NEVER RAISE YOUR HANDS TO YOUR KIDS

You should never raise
Your hands to your children
And for that, there
Is a very good reason
Not that I’m saying
They shouldn’t be corrected
But you must never
Leave your nuts unprotected

SURPRISE YOUR DAD ON FATHER’S DAY

Surprise your dad on Father’s Day
Asking him for advice should do it
And if you really want to surprise him
You should actually accept it

MUM KNITTED ME A JUMPER

Mum knitted me a jumper
I hate wearing I as I look silly
But I’m a kid so I have to
Especially when mum feels chilly

IT’S JUST AS WELL THAT JESUS

It’s just as well that Jesus
Wasn’t born today to be fair
As there aren’t 3 wise men
And a virgin anywhere

A Little Bit Of Humour # 15

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND SUGGESTED # 1

When my girlfriend suggested
We play hospitals
I thought phwor

But all she did was
Lay me on a trolley
And leave me in a corridor

ARE YOU WEARING SPACE PANTS?

Are you wearing space pants?
Well your virtue may be imperiled
Because wearing those pants
Your arse is out of this world

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 1

I’m thinking about taking a holiday
But I don’t know where to go
However I may end up in Sane
How I get there, I don’t know
As they don't have an airport
You can be driven there though

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 1

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
Who have a novel approach to automation
You are not prohibited to own a motor car
Unless it is Red, making them a Red Car-nation

I GOT CAUGHT TAKING A PISS

I got caught taking a piss
In the local swimming pool
The lifeguard shouted so loud,
I nearly fell in. the bloody fool

MY DOCTOR SAID I’M BORDERLINE OBESE

My doctor said I’m borderline obese
But it didn’t bother me at all
Because at the end of the day
That makes me borderline Normal

PUT DOWN # 49

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Allow me to give you an example
By way of a demonstration

When I was in a club one night
It must have been nearly half past two
A woman said to me “If you lost weight,
Shaved and cut your hair you would do
I replied “yes but if I did all that,
I’d be talking to your mates instead of you”

I CHATTED TO A GIRL IN THE PUB

I chatted to a girl in the pub
And suspecting her gullibility
I proceeded to proudly boast
About my special ability

“I can divine when a woman
Was born, to the very day
Just by feeling her breasts
It’s as simple as child’s play”

"Really? Is that really true?"
She said “or is it just a lie
Just so you can feel my tits
But go on then give it a try"

So I had a good fondle
And thought she is so dumb
And I teased her nipples
Till they were as fat as my thumb

But she started to get impatient
And I heard her say
"Come on then, what day was I born"?
I replied, “it was yesterday"

SAME SEX MARRIAGE

There’s a lot of discussion at the moment
About “same sex marriage”
Well having been married for thirty years
I’d like a “some sex marriage”

RED HAT

She was a stunner
In her new red hat
And it turned a few heads
Have no doubt of that

She was not dressed
As someone one ignores
But everyone was thinking
“Red hat no drawers”

RED NOSE

He had a large red nose
Just like a strawberry
His pock marked snozz
Was not a thing of beauty
But it was not a drinker’s nose
In fact on the contrary
It was actually the result
Of learning to eat with cutlery

THE RED LION

I met her at the Red Lion
Almost forty years ago
It was in the lounge bar
Beside the fires cozy glow

As soon as our eyes met
I was lost and I knew
My heart was hers forever
And cupids aim was true